Review #95

Dora must die 2: the revenge of Agent BM

Story by Agent BM

Review by Warnuts




Well turns out Agent BM decided that one small story wasn't enough so he made Dora must die 2


Dora must die 2

I don't own Dora the explorer, if I did she'd be cancelled by now.

I might be too happy about this.

Trivia time!!! When did Dora come out?

Dora's a lesbian?

One point to Ray! We also would have accepted August 14, 2000.

Chapter 1, a deadly game

Apparently my work isn't done. Some computer hacker in his garage in Oregon did a little magic and brought her back to life.

Dare we ask how.

No no, it's better this way.

Mart! Why must you trole us! Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dora's now scheduled for a new season. She must be punished.

I opened the portal into her world and went in. I came back with her, her friends, and everyone she knows.

Except Diego, the parents, the Big red chicken, and the pig pirates.

This story doesn't have pirates? Well, I've lost all interest, you two have fun.

No pirates means no booty. I’m out. You one have fun.

The hell you’re both out, now get back in the cage.

I was promised cake. There was no cake.

With Nicolas Cage?

The cake was a lie, so is Mr. Cage.

For saying that you don’t get a piece.

  Here you go Ray.

Yes! Insert Portal quote and Nicholas Cage bees may may.

I don’t even get

   

One piece.

 

Take your well earned piece of cake and get out of my damn sight.

I took them to a remote island in the Atlantic

Oh, while we're there, if anybody sees a remote for a cyborg version of Hentai Man please let me know. I need one because Martin and I aren't working in cahoots to replace Hent with a more efficient machine, and I want to make sure I don't activate this hypothetical creation.

...I am ok with this….and I’m not ok with that.

and with my assistant Robert, we came up with a little test for them.

"Welcome my prisoners, who's ready to play a game?" I asked to everyone who was now waking up

Villain lesson, wait about one minute for your victims to wake before talking to them. This will install more fear.

"Who are you?

I am none other than Hentai Man! Bask in all of my glory you simpleton!

 

 

Didn’t even need to scream to grow my hair.

Where are we?" Dora asked

I appeared on a giant TV screen and told them who I was

"My name is Brandon Martinez, but you may call me by my other name, Agent BM"

If you’re going to tell them you “secret agent” name why even bother with telling them your real name?

BM….Start the naming montage.

Bowel Movement.

Banana Masturbator.

Boobs Master.

Butt Massager.

Big Meanie.

Bat Man.

"Where are we?" she asked again

"Fucked Town, population; you."

And suddenly I need a plane ticket….It’s a “work” expense.

"You're on a remote island in the Atlantic, 100 miles from civilization. So who's ready for a fun game?"

Is it Monopoly? Because if it is I’m not playing if Hent is the banker… Cheating thundercunt.

I was a realistic banker. You guys just need to fill out your W240s and you’ll be fine.

I asked them

"What kind of game, and do we get a trophy if we win?" asked Boots

"You're a funny monkey, monkey man,

Monkey man, is that really the best you could do?

He will go bananas!

 I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last"

 

But surely Agent BM would never really lie about that.

 

"Kill us" said Boots

Agent BM, do you know what a question mark is? I know you've used them, but do you know what they're for? Because they're kind of important. If you forget one, it can turn a monkey's confusion into

 

Which just has a different vibe.

"That's right, I took you here for a fun little hunt, I'm going to hunt every single one of you and mount your heads over my TV. But I wouldn't suggest you all stay together, that would make this game too easy"

I would like all of our readers remember that last line, we’ll bring it up in a bit.

"You're gonna hunt us?" asked Benny

Benny, you're a bull. You should've faced off against a man in a colourful outfit and been chopped into Mexican food years ago. Just be thankful you got to live for as long as you did.

"That's right blue bull. I want you all to take one last look at the people you came here with. Because the person on your left, will die.

You can’t kill my bitch! I just got her!

Well Warnuts, it was only a matter of time.

The person on the right of you, will die.

But we need Martin! With all the stupid shit we do, his medical miracles are the reason we're very narrowly alive.

I can’t, Mystery will kill me.

You’re going to kill her too! I will not allow you to kill them! I shall not be cockblocked by you!

The person in-between the person on your left and the person on the right, will die" I shouted

 

Is this a riddle? That's a very roundabout way of saying a very simple thing.

So the person on my left is my student. The person on my right is another student…..and the person in the middle is a handsome masked character….

He knows my Secret Identity!

"But whoever can make it to the beach will go free

Hey guys didn’t we read a story like this in ninth grade english?

You can read?

Haha you’re so funny. But for real does anyone else remember a story like this, you know minus the Nick Jr. characters.

Well it is a cliche used in almost every action speech.

I’m talking about the plot (or little there is)

What ninth grader would write something….like….tha…..you were in my ninth grade class weren't you?

I repeat, haha you’re so funny.

 and win a SPECIAL prize, but it isn't easy, I've set up traps all over the island. You get a 30 minute head start, GOOOO"

"Thirty minutes? Perfect. Okay, map. Map. Fuckng Map! Finally. How do we get to the beach?"

“Take exit six and…..Recalculating…...Recalculating…… You are boned. “

"Can you say that in Spanish?"

“Tome la salida de seis y ... ..Recalculating ... ... recalcular ...... Usted está deshuesada.”?

"¡Muy bien! Me gusta español, que voy a seguir usarlo."

勝利

Do I need to get Samuel L. Jackson in here?

And with that, they all scattered in different directions while I suited up for my long hunt

 

   

 

(A half hour later)

Because time is very relevant.

I was all suited up, weapons in hand and covered in camo

But where is your bag of guns?

Lo tiene, pero no puedes lo ves porque se camufla.

"Robert, watch the monitors while I'm gone, I need to know where they all went"

Do you all remember that line I told you to remember? (if not look up eighteen line and you’ll see it) Having someone watching your “prey” I don’t think it gets any easier.

I told my assistant

"Alright, but I think I'm gonna make a sandwich first.

And on this glorious day, no fucks were given. I mean, um, y en este dia de gloria… how do I not know how to say fuck in Spanish?

Because Japanese is so much better.

   

Sí, pero prefiero jugar con tu.

いいえ。

So who wants to go to my remote island in the Atlantic?

Better question, who wants to break in the new Hentai Girls with me?

You have to get the girls first.

Next?

Pamela Andersons’ boobs are more real than them.

And thats why I’m going to an art college. Soon they shall.

You’ll make a lot of lonely nerds in Japan happy one day

Girls can be nerds too.

You want one before you embark?" asked Robert

"NO, I don't want a sandwich" I shouted

 

Also Robert needs to step up his game, Doras’ mom offered breakfast and still got killed.

"You sure? I got the last of the tuna fish" said Robert

"I DON'T LIKE TUNA FISH" I shouted "Too fishy"

*insert knee slap here.*

And with those last words I headed out into the jungle to hunt Dora and her friends. Their heads were mine

Great ways to end chapter one.

So the hunt begins, I will kill Dora and her friends before her new season comes. Thank you for reading and stay tuned for the carnage and violence that will follow.

How could we not stay tuned? Rest assured Agent BM, we're going to read every last part of this.

Because The Boss demands it!

Chapter 2, boots is killed

Spoilers!

Ch. 2

Incase you missed it the first time.

I crept through the jungle looking for my targets. I could hear crying in the distance.

And the award for worst prey ever goes to…

My victims?

I went around a tree and I could see boots crying.

Boots!

Damn! I’ll win next year.

He had his leg stuck in a bear trap. I aimed a gun at him, but he was too good for that.

 

I walked up to him.

"Hello monkey man"

"Just kill me and put me out of my misery" said Boots

"No, I'll make you a deal, you tell me where Dora is, and I'll heal you and set you free"

Stop and think boots, this man kidnapd you and all your friends. Do you really think he’ll let you go?

Why wouldn't you trust a man with a gun to your face? Sounds like a nice person.

Yeah, that's how Warnuts and I met. Or maybe it was something else, who can keep track of these backstories?

"I don't know, I can't rat her out" said Boots

Good, now you’re thinking.

"Fine, have it your way" I said as I started to walk away

So did he just turn into Agent BK?

"No wait, fine, she's in the cave by the waterfall hiding with the others. I was sent to find food. Now that I've told you everything, now will you help me?" asked Boots

   

"Sure, I'll help you" I said as I took the trap off. I grabbed his good leg and took him towards a nearby cliff

See.

Seriously though, a cliff was right nearby, what were the odds?

"Wait, what are you doing? You said you'd let me go" said Boots a little scared now

No. He said he would heal you. A gunshot to to face will do just that.

"Remember Boots when I said I was going to kill you last?" I asked him

"Yes I do remember that" said Boots

"I Lied"

Fuck you author who I don’t know! You don’t get to steal my bad jokes! Only Walnuts gets to do that!

One day I will kill you all. 

I let go of his leg and he screamed as he fell down into a canyon of rocks. He crashed into the rocks but he was still moving

Okay so you’re alive just shut up and he might leave.

"I'm still alive, it's a miracle" he screamed

I grabbed a sniper rifle and shot him in the head.

Fuck! This is why I’m not a hostage negotiator.

I went into the canyon and cut his head off.

Okay, there's making sure your target is dead and then there's doing things for your own pleasure.

I came back up the canyon and called my assistant

"Robert, is everyone still in the cave?" I asked my assistant through a radio

So was interrogating Boots just for funsies?

"Yes, but they saw what you did and are packing up"

How in the flying fuck did they see him kill boots?

Fucking NSA man.

said Robert

"Then I must hurry"

Chapter 3, Benny and Tico are killed

Hm, I wonder what's gonna happen…

Ch. 3

I crept through the jungle searching for my next victim. I hear a rustling from behind a nearby bush.

Swiper?

I turn around and I see Benny running away

Damn.

"Oh no you don't blue bull"

You need to get more creative with your names, you Cuntopus.

I shot a few bullets at him but missed. I ran as fast as I could and tackled him to the ground like the kids at school do to me

Wait one minute, how old is he.

And do the tacklers enjoy Dora? The plot thickens.

"Please don't kill me, I have a wife and 3 kids to feed" screamed Benny

"You don't have a wife or children" I told him

"Someday I might" said Benny

With a line like that you should let him go.

"No you won't, but I know who you will feed, ME"

"Alright, what do you want?" asked Benny nervously

"I think I'll have a big fat burger with my new drink called Blue bull, remember, blue bull gives you bigger wings" I said to no one in particular

Did he drop a bunch of acid before writing this part

Maybe we did. Maybe we're the multicoloured personalities of one dude high off his ass. We're not, but how neat would that be?

"Uh, who are you talking to?"

"Your face" I shouted as I chopped his head off and shot him

Ah, it’s not killing unless it’s overkill

(2 hours later)

I had cooked most of Benny and made him into burgers and steak. The rest I turned into a sports drink I call blue bull, it's like red bull except a different name

Thanks Agent BM, I would've been completely lost without that explaination.

and it literally gives you wings, sometimes but they don't last long

"It's like Red Bull, but slightly less shitty."

Also how much acid did he drop before writing this?

Maybe we did. Maybe we're the multicoloured personalities of one dude high off his ass. We're not, but how neat would that be?

"Wow, blue guy here's really tasty, except I didn't he had a bionic leg"

Is there such thing as an inverse Chekhov's gun? Because that was introduced long after it should have come into play.

Well time for me to continue the hunt, I think I'll hunt purple squirrel guy next, or maybe dinosaur girl.

Ok. Back from the bathroom. What did I miss? dinosaur girl? Got it.

I know she's not a dinosaur but she looks like one.

"Robert, I'm looking for the squirrel where is he?" I asked

"Look up now" said Robert

Robert, were you even going to say anything if Agent BM didn't ask?

I pointed my gun up and fired into the trees, out of the trees came the squirrel

"One question I've been wondering, why do you hate these guys?" asked Robert

Because they are illegal aliens!

Hent that’s racist… They’re not outside a home depot.

But they are (insert racist joke here)

Well with an argument as great as that I guess you’re right.

"I hate dora because, well that's something between me and her,

Oh I see. She broke up with you didn’t she?

I hate her friends because they know her" I said

"That's not really a good reason" said Robert

"Shut up, I've already started this and I'm going to end this"

I have no reason to kill them but I will continue because I never leave something unfinished.

Chapter 4, Isa's death and Dora's capture

These titles leave so much to the imagination.

I know right? I mean...Who is Dora? And this Isa person? Sounds exciting!

Ch.4

The only 2 left to kill were Dora, and the dinosaur girl, Isa I think her name was.

Don't you be tryna play that, you know exactly what her name is.

I stood on a cliff and saw the 2 close to reaching the beach. I loaded a crossbow with a very sharp weapon, a chainsaw. I revved it up and aimed it at Isa

HAHAHAHA OH MY ME THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN! THAT IS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER READ!        

I thought The Catcher in the Rye was good, but you know, we all have our standards.

Some of which are very low.

and fired. The chainsaw ripped through her head and guts and blood spewed everywhere.

So I can understand the blood, but guts?

Dora started running. I grabbed a weapon I borrowed from another universe, a phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range, and headed down the cliff.

As a professor, I must say. I have never heard of a watt being a way of measuring distance.

As I linguist, I must say I have never heard of range being restricted to measuring distance.

Dora made it to the beach

Fuck Yes! Beach Episode!

"I did it, I won" said Dora

 

 

Those annoying fiesta critters started to play a happy song when I shot them with a single plasma bolt

 

I will give Agent BM some credit, he's thorough. He managed to kill off tertiary characters.

"Bravo little girl, bravo" I said to her sarcastically

"I made it through your game, this special prize better be worth it.

 

I lost all my friends because of you" said Dora angrily

"Don't worry, it is" I said evilly

I take out a cattle prod and shock her until she's unconscious

(Secret underground lab)

Why tell us this in parentheses?

(Why not?) We're past the point of no return when it comes to fucks being given.

Dora started to wake up

"Where am i?" asked Dora

"My secret lab" I tell her

See if you were just going to say it again why say it earlier? You could have made it all suspenseful and shit.

Need I remind you?

 

 

"Why are you doing this to me?" asked Dora

"I guess it's time you know the truth. I built you years ago as a perfect killing machine for the US Army,

   

a machine that could blend in to its surroundings and take out it's targets, but you were everything but that"

"Are you saying I'm a robot, that's ridiculous" said Dora

Yea! If she Is a Robot, how did she swim into this country?

Hello she’s a robot, she just jumped the fence.

The guards would have seen that and gunned her down.

 

Well then….nevermind.

"Oh yeah, look for yourself"

I bring out a mirror and she sees that most of the skin is destroyed, showing a metal endoskeleton

"But that's impossible, how am I able to eat, breathe, live?"

"That's not something you want to know.

Well it’s something I would like to know.

You escaped and traveled to another world,

How the fuck did that happen?

She obviously followed her map.

you had a to show that no one likes, but why it's not cancelled yet is beyond me. It took me years to find you and now that I have you, I'm going to take you apart, maybe fix your chip and then, you'll be the machine I wanted to build for the US military"

Why would you want a Mexican robot as a killing machine?

I dunno, the reds had one.

Ray please, this is not the time to discuss your fetishes. We have work to do.

While it may or may not be true that I can only get off to Mexican robots who only exist in a certain web series, this is a completely unrelated matter.

Excellent point Ray. I would be the best leader out of the three of us.

Alright, have fun, I'll be writing fanfiction with Fluff.

 

My time to shine baby! Lets get some more girls in here!

We’re all fucked.

See! Walnuts is ok with it too! This is going to be great. My first order as Mr. Super God Boss King Man, Ray will continue all of his bossly duties but I get free rain.

I get to keep pretending I know how to do CSS and run around shamelessly promoting us? Sounds good to me.

I do however get your coffee mug and your mahogany desk.

But I need the coffee mug for whiskey! And the desk for flipping!

You can have my old desk.

 

 

But I’m taking my plant.

 

Dora started to break out of her chains and started running

"Where are you going, there's nowhere to run" I shout

Clearly there is somewhere to run, or she wouldn't be running.

I start to chase her. She will never see the outside world again as long as I'm here

Unless you fix the chip and rebuild her.

Chapter 5, rise of the cartoons and Doras death

Alright! The Powerpuff Girls Doujinshi here I come!

Ch. 5

Dora was hiding somewhere in my warehouse. I needed to find her and destroy her. I opened a portal and pulled out her cousin Diego

"Dora, if you don't surrender yourself, the boy dies" I shouted

"No, I'll never come out" she shouted

"Fine, you asked for it"

I take out a knife and slit his neck, then stabbed his eye

I had an idea on how to find her and opened up a portal.

What just happened? In that on botched up paragraph so much shit happened that I feel like I need a nap.

No napping on the job! Only I get to do that.

(1 hour later)

I had collected all my favorite cartoon characters and brought them to my warehouse

 

"I have brought you all here to help me. Whoever can help me kill dora the explorer will be rewarded handsomely" I shout

All the cartoons cheered and began searching. At first we had no luck until my favorite character as a little boy, rolie polie olie,

I don’t think you have a right to be writing this story if your favorite show was toli polie olie

...I am ashamed. There are no Hentai pictures of that on google. I have dishonored my family name.

Rule 35 hent, rule 35.

 

found something

"I found her, she's in this box" shouted Olie

"I found her, she was in the most obvious hiding spot in a warehouse."

...she ended up taking the prize?

Dora jumped out of the box and knocked Olie into the crowd

"Let's get her" shouted Rigby angrily

Dora jumped onto the different boxes and tried to escape, but the storm hawks shot her into the crowd with their bikes.

"Let's finish this" shouted Gumball

 

Sorry, just thinking of all the awful Amazing World of Gumball fanfiction there must be. I saw an episode once, and it looks like a prime target for the internet to unleash an unholy rain of lemons upon.

...why are all of his favorite cartoons pieces of shit? No Dexter, no Powerpuff, Avatar, Ren and Stimpy, Space Ghost, Boondocks? What the fuck?

All the cartoons took her apart violently until

Jesus Christ man, you need help

Can you take someone apart in a nonviolent manner while in a angry mob?

all that was left was her head, barely alive. Timmy Turner gave me her head

"Please, don't do this" begged dora

Shut up Dora, your self preservation instincts are artificial and you know it.

I stab her eyes and and begin crushing her head. I remove her CPU chip and crush it. All the cartoons cheered. I payed them their reward and sent them all back home to their worlds

(Some time later)

I found out the man who brought her back to life was Dora's father, who came back to life and was secretly in hiding.

“I caught up with Dora’s father and slit his neck with a knife. I then shot him multiple times in the head to make sure he stayed dead.” That is a directquotet from the first story, how is he alive?

I killed him

Dora was cancelled again and never came back on again. The world cheered when I told them I did the work. I was treated like a hero. Next time I make arobot, I'll be more careful

This is finally done, she's dead, I win, world is happy. Thanks for reading.

No problem Agent BM, it was a pleasure.

So the worlds suffering is all his fault?.....GET HIM!!!