It's been a while, but hopefully this story will make up for the absence. And I should say, it's possible that this story wasn't even supposed to be online in the first place. From what I can tell, it was written in an online text editing program and then, possibly by mistake, made public. But fuck it, here's The Horny Rooster and the Hard Raven.
"Cluck..." - William sighed. He was bored in the Rede Record studios masturbating his long, veiny thick rooster cock.
He’s a rooster; he is a cock. I feel like this could have been more specific.
He had nothing to do.
I’d argue he’s doing plenty.
His owner was in vacation at the Rio de Janeiro beach. William decided to call his friend, Honchkrow, to give him a handy.
And now it’s time to ask; are these characters anthro, the first, or feral, the second?
The correct answer is probably a resounding, “Who gives a shit?” but I can’t help but wonder. William clearly has hands, or some other means of masturbating. But, he also has an owner. An owner however, who he can survive without. He can dial a telephone, but cannot speak. Honchkrow on the other hand, can speak. And regardless, they can both understand each other.
Allow me to translate, I speak fluent cock.
“Greetings my avian brother, how has your day been thus far?”
"What the fuck do you want, bitch?"
"Cluck cluck cluck COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!"
“Oh, nothing of terrible consequence old bean. I simply fancy a handjob, as my proprietor has left me solitary in this residency, leaving nothing with which to occupy my time.”
"Oh fucking shit, could you please shut the fuck up? I'm going to your shitty TV studios right fucking now, you little bitch. Peace."
"Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!"
“Very good, I shall anticipate your swift arrival.”
- the call ended
Thank Jesus H. Jesus.
Honchkrow flew from Venice, Italy, to São Paulo, Brazil.
A flight from Southern Europe to Southern America for a handjob. This is why long distance relationships don’t work.
He was so fucking tired, horse shit!
Hey now, nobody likes a vulgar narrator. Or at least, nobody likes this vulgar narrator.
Honchkrow flew to Rede Record studios and got to the Balanço Geral section.
"I'm here, you little shit"
“I’m quite fond of you as well my love!”
Honchkrow got his giant crow penis hard as fuck and started to give William a blowjob with no advice.
No advice? But how will William pass the exam? How will he mend his relationship with his long lost identical twin? How will he know when it’s time to return the favor? A blowjob with no advice is hardly a blowjob at all.
"Wobble wobble wobble cluck cluck"
“Wobble wobble wobble cluck cluck.”
Honchkrow's cum was flying all over the place.
Honchkrow is the one giving the blowjob, why would he be the one with cum flying all over the place? Clearly there’s some part of English or blowjobs that the narrator is missing, either of which is truly a tragedy.
William's crest because white and creamy covered in Honchkrow's cum. It was the most satisfying blowjob William ever had.
So satisfying that he didn’t even cum.
Honchkrow was furiously masturbating in joy and satisfaction.
I think we can all relate.
"Ohhh... Ohhh... OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH! I'M SO HARD NOW, FUCKING SHIT!" - Moaned Honchkrow -
That’s one loud ass moan.
"Quick, William, get the fucking the phone! I'm so fucking horny that i want to give my friend a call."
Through a series of clucks William told Honchkrow to fuck off, as he found the raven’s request quite rude and impersonal.
Honchkrow got the phone and called his friend, A Pimp Named Slickback.
"A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK, COME HERE NOW!"
I see what you did there, but who’s on first?
"Wadda ya want, biatch?"
Oh, I can also translate jive if anyone needs me to.
"I'M SO FUCKING HORNY! COME HERE, TIGER! I AND WILLIAM WANT YOUR GIGA NIGGA COCK!"
Most birds don’t have a penis, who’s being addressed is unclear, and assuming A Pimp Named Slickback is in fact a tiger then none of them be niggas. Those are the facts, the jokes are hidden somewhere in there.
"Whas the address, biatch?"
This story takes place on a global scale, he’s just lucky they’re even in a country that has addresses.
"REDE RECORD STUDIOS, SÃO PAULO, BRAZIL"
"Ok ya biatch, imma goin' there"
Did he turn into Mario for a second?
A Pimp Named Slickback got in the plane and started flying from the USA to Brazil.
A Pimp Named Slickback was from the states?
While he didn't come, William and Honchkrow fucked hard.
Two days passed and A Pimp Named Slickback arrived São Paulo.
Step up your game A Pimp Named Slickback, Honchkrow flew twice as far in half the time.
He got in the studios naked
He wasn’t even wearing a hat?
(but with his hat on)
and caught Honchkrow and William by surprise. He started relentlessly pounding William's virgin rooster anus while William clucked.
After establishing how easily people get laid in this story, I have a hard time believing William’s never been fucked before.
"Cluck! Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!"
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”
"Yea cluck now, ya fricken biatch!
It’s actually pronounced chicken biatch, but whatever works.
I’d rather not translate that one, it’s pretty bad.
- William released a pool of cum.
The studio was entirely white and creamy.
See? Not an exaggeration.
"WHAT'S UP WITH THE CAWING AND CLUCKING, BITCHES?" - The police arrived. A Pimp Named Slickback and Honchkrow got arrested, and William was culled and eaten in Christmas.
Well… that was sudden.
Two months passed and Geraldo Luis,
The Geraldo Luis? Every webpage about him is in portuguese so I’m not pretending to know what he does, but there’s a chance he’s the shit in Brazil.
William's owner, came back to work again. He found a note in William's perch.
"We killed and ate your rooster. He tasted like dog. -With love, the cops. xoxoxo~"
Sounds about right.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT CAN'T BE!" - Screamed Geraldo. A day after he was found dead with his stomach open and a dildo in his hand.