Before we even delve into the story, allow me to break down this title.
Ah, the geddit finger; our only running joke I’ll never grow to hate.
Apple short, you can’t be serious. An emoticon in the story would have been bad enough, but you have the audacity to shove one into your already shit title?
Jimmies Status: Rustled
wEll, tHis iS sOme gEnuine iNcompetence.
Yeah, waddaya want?
Oh. Nevermind, not interested.
Are you sure? It’s about ponies, I know how much you love them.
Dammit Ray, I’m a doctor not a veterinarian!
And finally, we’re done with the title. The title took up over a page of this review. Truth be told I could’ve rambled quite a bit longer, but I’ll spare you; there’s more to get to.
Martin Willis fell from earth into ponyvile by acidentlee walking into a portle meant only for ponees to get into our world so they can pretend to be non speakers and watch us secretly.
I have a few questions.
- Why is this story not about the spy ponies? I mean seriously; of the two plot threads presented, that one sounds way more interesting.
- If the portal was meant for ponies, how did he accidentally walk into it? Surely if it were meant for ponies, it wouldn’t be very tall, certainly not tall enough for a majority of humans to accidentally walk into.
- Who else has walked into this portal? If Martin Willis can walk into it accidentally, he can’t be the only one who’s been through there.
- Back to the spy ponies, how well do multicolored horses, some with wings and horns, really blend in with society? Even if they didn’t talk, it’s a bit farfetched.
He accidentlee waled in it when they didnt know that he was there was to fall in and invade .
Hey twilight. He yelled happily
Because who needs correct grammar or proper narration? As long as there’s a good plot, the readers will adapt.
at the sexy purple mare
who walked by him.
Um, just wondering, can we have a setting? No? Okay, I’ll shut up then.
Oh hello I didn’t see you whats your name she imersoned him
and leaned on his side. my name is martin willis i am orange with blue stripes and my cutie mark is the gun from PORTAL.
Is Twilight blind now? And wait, even if she is, that’s still an incredibly stupid thing to say. In real life people don’t introduce themselves to blind people with their name, hair color, and tramp stamp.
(cause ifell in a portle and I am good at that game)
That is awesome she asked neatly
If you’re using asked as a dialogue tag and you don’t have a question mark, you’re doin’ it wrong. Though in this case, apple short is doin’ it wrong for another reason; Twilight is actually asking the upcoming question, not the previous statement. But you would fucking know that unless you read the whole fucking thing and then went the fuck back.
would you like to go hang at my house with my owl?
Alright kids, if anyone asks you to go to their house so you can hang out with their owl, what do you do? That’s right, you take them up on that shit. Owls are awesome.
I nodded excrushiatinly and she opened the way for us to her house.
A setting! Sweet Cross Dimensional Jesus we’ve achieved setting!
When we got there her pet spike was off(probly at raritys getting sleep)
and she said in a ponder I wonder where my owl went?
Holy shit. This, right here, about five pages into the review, fucking this, is the first time we’ve reached the end of a sentence and I haven’t had anything to criticise. It’s still flawed, apple short is using words however he sees fit and throwing punctuation out the window, but there are no new flaws to point out.
I rubbed her belly
casue she let me do that now
and I said he probly went over to raritys so that they could betogether because he loves her and they should be married.
Shipping Owlicious and Rarity, bizarre but fine. The part that confuses me is that apple short is also shipping Spike and Rarity at the same exact time, and he doesn’t even acknowledge the overlap.
She opened her eyes
So she couldn’t see earlier, mystery solved.
and looked at me. wow you sure now a lot martin
are you sure you never meant spike or rarity before.
No I teased happily
Is there a fanfiction writer in the world who actually knows what tease means?
only ive never fallen into a portle like that one in my life
As though it’s an everyday fucking occurrence.
but I now about ponies because I love the show.
Yup, I suspected as much. Abandon all hope everybody, we’re dealing with a classic recipe for failure.
- Take a show that exists in the real world. This will provide a solid foundation for you to shit upon.
- Make the show an actual alternate universe due to some fantastic coincidence. This allows for conflict resolution before the conflict even knows it existed in the first place.
- Transfer one or more characters from the fantasy world into the real world or vice versa. It’s important to note that at this point, the story can still be salvaged. The next step will fix that.
- To flip the final shit switch, make this type of transfer regular occurrence. But, leave the show characters completely in the dark about the show in spite of the many reasons this would be utterly stupid.
She questioned me annoyed and suspicious what show.
I laughed and kissed her cheek
Honestly, did I miss something?
its ok twilight I love you and would never do anything bad like other humans
Oh, well that’s—
Ok she said believed.
If Twilight is supposed to be the smart one, Equestria is doomed.
Then she lifted her hooves and put my hand on her deep belly ilike it when you kiss me here she said in sexy voice.
This is confusing to read. If only there were some way to mark the distinction between narration and speech. Oh, also, WHAT? There must be a scene apple short forgot to write, because that’s not something you say to a total stranger from another universe. Even if you’re into that sort of thing, you at least have a conversation about it first.
So I brought down my knees and kissed her lower belly and she looked contented so I moved a hand
A hand? Did he become a pony or not? I wouldn’t have thought so, since the pony spies that go to our world remain in their original form, but then he described himself as though he had been ponified. Is this anthro? Probably not, since that just raises more questions about the pony spies.
Why couldn’t this be about the pony spies? It would be so much better if it were about the pony spies.
lower and touched her but you are hot I said even hotter than I though before I fell in the hole here.
She naughtily giggled and pushing my hand to her place parts
We really ought to keep a list of all the unfortunate words used to describe genitals.
said you can fall in this hole.
The innuendos are written so
What the fuck twilight.
So I take it he just realized he’s in a whole new world and trying to fuck a small colorful horse has been the extent of his activities. I’m not saying he can’t fuck a small colorful horse eventually, but maybe he should get his priorities in order.
I made a mock shocked look and tried to tongue ksis her
Yeah, your mock shock is super convincing.
and she let me.
On one hand/hoof/plot-hole-detector, it’s odd that she’s okay with all of this. But on the other, at least this is way less rapey than some other pony fanfiction we’ve reviewed.
She was pissed secretly still att my swearing and she exploded.
What the fuck do you mean what the fuck martin.
Oh, it wasn’t literal. Probably.
I wimpered so that she could see I was only joking and then I put my horse weenie in hers
And this is why you don’t let me within five hundred feet of photoshop.
and we made love and she forgave me.
Spike came home and saw us in bed kissing and licking each other while sleeping.
Apple short, do you know what sleeping is?
You slut puppet.
A legitimate insult I’d never heard before? Alright apple short, because of your generous gift, I’ll forgive whatever dumbass thing you write next.
He threw a dress
Clothes, it had to be clothes! Forgiveness revoked, retribution is in full effect.
he had got from rarity for her and a suit he had got from rarity for me
How did Spike know to get anything for—
Nevermind. I don’t care.
onto the ground and came and smaked twilights head.
Now that’s just disrespectful.
What the fuck spike. I was really angry and pushed him away from her to fall on his but. We love each other
When did love become such an empty word? They don’t love each other, they’ve barely met.
and she is not a slut
She’s kinda a slut…
this is natural even though I fell from earth into here from a portle because she loves me.
OH. IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
I don’t care I loved her first and you go fucking die and slit your wrists or hang yourself like a bitch he screamed as loud as he could
and he grabbed at my foot to go and swirl me in the toilet.
That’s a terrible plan, though it actually doesn’t sound all that out of character.
I will tteach you to fuck my bestfriend fucker he brethed fire and I wanted to cry but hit his head instead.
Because we men have a variety of coping methods at our disposal so that we never have to feel feelings. And by coping methods, I of course mean punches.
Fucking go asshole she loves me. just then twilight used magic and shut him outside loking the door and window and said don’t come back spike I love him and you are being an asshole.
Half of this is true. All of it is out of character.
He realized how bad he was and cried I didnt mean to make you mad I just loved you first
So is two ships per character just a requirement in this story?
and it scares me you let a human love you.
Because dragons are always nice.
Don’t be gay spike
Yeah Spike, stop trying to have emotions in a story. You could learned a thing or two from Martin Willis, he makes sure we have no emotional investment whatsoever.
she gave him a dirty look throwing him back in. just because he is human which he isn’t here because he turned into a pony like all humans when they go to aquestrea
That’s somewhat stupid but sure, at least we know now.
doesn’t mean I cant have sex with him he has a massive dick.
“It’s almost as big as mine.”
Spike sighed relenting and sniffled I understand twilight.
Just then an idea hit me and I grabbed spike and placed him on my nee. We can both make love to her spike cause she will let us I said.
I’m beginning to doubt the reliability of this narrator.
He smiled openly and looked at her and she nodded. So getting up we all had sex and I rubbed twilights boobs
What boobs? If everybody is a pony, cartoony or realistic, there are no boobs.
and spike let me so we all had fun.
Spike the baby dragon gave a ponified human permission to touch Twilight’s enigmatic boobs; and this is only the first chapter.
When we woke up after sleeping for the day spike said he was sorry again and after kissing him twilight agreed with me that he was fine and we would let him be with us sometimes but mainly no because she really loved me and only was with him because he was so upset.
Sometimes it almost sounds like apple short is making this up as he goes.
Ok he smiled.
I leaned in and whispered in his ear that if he wanted I would hel him get with rarity to have sex but only if he agreed that I could help.
So he’s going to help, but only if he can help. Technically, the logic checks out.
He did and we decided to later.
This is my first story so please be nice I am only 15
While I’ll admit fifteen isn’t old enough to have too much experience, it’s not quite young enough to be an excuse for The Tail (Get It ;P) Of pRince Martin Willis.
an my friend edited this for me
using his computer so I now there shouldnt be any bad spelling or stuff, except maybe the name of aquestrea because he said he couldnt find it in the correcter.
Skimming back over the chapter, it’s true that the spelling could’ve been a lot worse. But there’s no spell check for a broken plot.
i am really sensitive and not so good at English
Now, this brings up a few issues. If English is apple short’s first language, that’s fine. But until he improves his writing, he probably shouldn’t make it so public. If English isn’t apple short’s first language, that’s fine. But until he improves his writing, he probably shouldn’t make it so public. The point is that competence should come before pompousness.
so please no angry comments because last time I posted a story somewhere they yelled angrily
Who would do such a thing‽
so please don’t yell at me but just tell me whats wrong and I will fix it to be better.
the sentiment is appreciated, but the eleven chapters after this show that it ain’t happening.
Hope you like it all it was my first time writing sex too
and I think it turned out good. Next chapter will be rarity and me and spike. Later and luv
people are asking me to post this and im getting emails and comments begging it so im sorry if it offends. It is not edit since I did right it before anyone offered edit help so here it is.
Oh good, we get a glimpse of this behemoth in its true form.
raritys house was pink frilled like a tutu dress.
Isn’t Rarity’s house already established in the show—
That’s right, I keep forgetting I’m not supposed to expect anything canon.
spike greeted me by her fron door which was made of oak and other things that would attract her cat to be happy there.
I don’t know much about cats since I’m a dog person, but I don’t think a front door made of oak attracts cats.
Oh, hey Fluff. How long have you been there?
Just in the neighborhood, so what are you reviewing?
A clopfic about a Gary Stu who travels through a plot hole to Equestria.
i am afraid she will be mad since idint call to say I was coming to try and be better friends he looked sadly and I hugged him with resound. do not fear spike i will help her to be happy with you I rubbed a hand down his scales.
And to clarify, Spike is the one who acts gay?
i am good with this stuff.
Hard to argue with that, considering he seduced Twilight by doing nothing.
just suddenly rarity appeared and she opened the door with magic. you must be prince willis she blushed like an apple.
An apple analogy that doesn’t involve the Apple family?
I am prince willis I stated proudly
Nice try, but hooking up with a princess isn’t equivalent to marrying one.
and nodded that spike and I should be let into her place.
Twilight said you are amazing why are you called prince willis she shrieked in merriment
Rarity, calm your apparently existent horse tits.
and I hugged her mane with a sexy hand. because on my world i was the best person at PORTAL and the named me a prince and gave me the actual gun from the game made real.
she lowered herself against my side and I stroked her belly. you are fantasti.c
spike who was feeling out of the loop pouted and smacked me.
That key isn’t there to look pretty, it’s there for you to use it. Maybe if you had, that last cluster bomb of letters would mean something.
fuck man you said you would help me not hog her yourself.
Well what did you expect?
i sighed readily and told him do not worry spike i was only telling her why i was a prince
And the only way to do that is to caress the person you’re speaking to.
and she will be easier to love because she likes princes. fucking ok he yelled annoyed at me.
I honestly can’t tell if Spike is supposed to be the one at fault, or if the narrator is self aware. Either way, it’s actually kind of entertaining.
i used the gun and came here through a portle by accident
Accident? Carelessness. Look before you leap.
there was no way back cause the gun broke
I like how we’re just now describing the scene that already happened in the last chapter.
but you can see it here as my cute mark.
i shaked my plot and she eyed the gun with love and envy and amazing.
Only a master wordsmith is able to hammer a noun into an adjective. Apple short, my hat goes off to you.
you have the greatest most wonder cute mark in the whole equestria and its like diamonds.
Yes, diamonds are completely unheard of on a cutie mark, now allow me to put up a picture of Rarity for no special reason.
She licked my butt
and I squeeled happily but spike saw and breathed fire on me burning my butt
dude what the fuck we are getting laid I screeched through fire. fucking you are getting some not me and she was my lover.
She was your crush. If she were your lover Martin Willis wouldn’t even be there.
he ran over and grabbed her by the tit and stuck it in his mouth swirling his snake tongue through it.
I think I know what’s going on here. These, are crotchboobs.
And I don’t much like ‘em. If you do that’s fine, but this graph pretty much sums up my leniency.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go inspect… I don’t know, anything that isn’t this story.
Now are you going to finish this review?
Yeah yeah, I got it.
You’re not going to run off and lock yourself in a cage?
Not on purpose.
You’re not going to make me make you review My Inner Life again?
Look, it’s fine, everything is fine now. I just needed a break.
You consider My Inner Life a break?
Sadly, yes. Now let’s end this conversation before the meta police lock us in a cell in Azerbaijan with cupcakes, a mecha wolf, and a book with pages made of lasers and words made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles.
she loves me not you he said.
If only they could get a third person’s opinion. But since this room clearly just has two people and an object, I guess that’s impossible.
then he started to have sex with her and I was really eager to help.
you canif you promise not to be a dick like before he moved his tail on my chest and we both groaned against rarity.
that nightafter we had all been satisfied a lot I brought him aside. we need to talk spike.
Okay what do you want to talk about I said you are such an asshole but it takes an asshole to know an asshole so you admit you’re an asshole shut up shut up no you shut up.
See apple short? It’s not easy to read.
we have gotten with two of the mane six we must do the rest or it will be unfair.
Who says there’s no such thing as altruism?
his breath went up nose and he agreed as he spoke next to my mouth.
These gay undertones are deafening.
We will go see fluttershy he said she loves me second best to rarity.
that night i sat alone and contemplated my falling through a portle and not getting back. I would be pony forever or longer.
Have you considered deus ex uniponymagics?
this was not time to making love.
So how many ponies is he going to fuck in the next chapter?
i was a prince once i would be a prince here too except since I already beat the game PORTAL i would do my best to be the prince of making the mane six and spike happy.
just when i closed my eye there was angel bunny.
Why is Angel in—
No, fucks! Must, give, no, fucks!
she looked mad and stamped.
What is it angel i asked with sleepy eyes and a yawn that i didn’t even know that she knew me since we werent visiting fluttershy till tomorrow or whenever spike thought best.
she used bunny sign languege
and explaned she had a play date with opalessnse and they were loving like we were
Because cats and bunnies are natural lovers. Horses and dragons on the other hand, that just makes sense.
Hm… yup, it’s official, I don’t even know what I’m being sarcastic about anymore.
when he heard spikes and my plan. she wouldnt let us love her without him. i agreed and we stamped down twice to seal it as promise
“Angel_Bunny has joined your party! How completely useless!”
and then she fell asleep in my pony mane and we cuddled to bed.
Nobody tell him that Angel is actually a he. It’s better this way.
next chapter we will visit fluttershy
What is this, Epic Meal Time?
and angel bunny will be mean probably unless applejack stops by with fruit. my friend helped me again with the editing so thanks dude.
From here the story doesn’t get better, but it does get repetitive so I’m calling it. Just a final thought though, I’m always curious about these friends who edit the writer’s work, because sometimes editors are doing more harm than good. I would know, because I’ve been both types of editor in the past. I doubt the friend told apple short to include a bad plot. But it’s still possible the friend said, “Quotation marks? Trust me apple short, you don’t need quotation marks.”