Review #87

My Inner Life (Post 8)

Story by Link's Queen

Review by Warnuts

Evading the Shadow

Oh dear me, I can already tell this is going to suck.


If only there were somebody who could help you with that, somebody who you could let out of a certain cage that I may or may not have locked myself in.

Ha, I don’t think so Cuntasoris, you’ll just run off and review some My Immortal bullshit for reasons that are completely beyond me. You stay in the cage, and when it’s over you can leave.

           The trip back was quiet for the most part, although we did worry about Draconians patrolling the skies or Dark Knights on ground patrol.

Dark Knights? When did this become Batman fanfiction?

If only.

We kept on trails that were mainly concealed,

If you were truly dedicated to staying concealed, you would do what any half decent tactician knows and stay off the trails completely. But I’ll let it slide, considering Ocarina of Time wasn’t exactly open world.

avoiding open areas or staying in one place for too long.

I don’t get why, you killed two of them with ease.

We rode all night long, taking turns sleeping on horseback.

How in the flying fuck does that work. It’s not like driving a car.

I was the first one to sleep while Link guided my horse by rope. Then we switched and I took the lead guiding his horse till morning.

Would this work?

If they were experienced riders it could, but the real question is why they would have to do it in the first place. It’s not like they’re crunched for time after they get through this one area, they can both stay awake and sleep later.


           We ate dried meat and cheese for breakfast then stopped at the Snake River

Snake? Snake‽ SN—


to wash up


Do you even want me to unlock you?

and refill our waterskins. We built another makeshift raft and then crossed the treacherous river.

What was wrong with the old one?

And what about the horses, did anyone bring that up last time?

Yeah, they just made a big raft.

Followup question, if they’re going to keep making big rafts, why not just build a damn bridge?

Because that would be smart.

Once on the other side, we disposed of the raft and covered up our tracks as so we could not be followed.

Again why? Not only does Hyrule have you to protect it but it also has an entire fucking army.

We rode all the way to the Black Desert without stopping to rest since we were close to Ariakas's


Looking at that apostrophe hurts me.

We’re Retributionist not grammer natizs.


border. Once we arrived at the Black Desert,

But you literally just said and I quote “We rode all the way to the Black Desert without stopping to rest since we were close to Ariakas's border.”

we wrapped our heads with damp rags

Hm, I’m not sure if I should call them gross or wasteful; did they dampen the rags with piss or drinking water?



Heil Semantik!

and gave some water to the horses before crossing the hot desert.

          The trek across the Black Desert was long and treacherous. The heat was immense and the sand caused my mouth to dry out.

You said that last time, there is no need to tell us again.

I nearly drank all my water before we finally reached the desert border.

Oh, nearly. So she didn’t run out and get thirsty for a while, but she was close to going through some sort of discomfort.

What a hard life she lives.

At least she has a strong man in her life WHO SHE COMPLETELY DOESN’T NEED but he’s still there treating her well BUT NOT IN A SEXIST WAY he’s just there to help when she needs it WHICH SHE DOESN’T, EVER. THE MARY SUE IS COMPLETELY COMPETENT AND SHE KNOWS MAGIC AND KARATE AND LIKES CLOTHES AND ADVENTURE AND WIELDS IMMENSE POWER WITH MINIMAL CONSEQUENCES. How’d I do, was that a decent summary?


Once we left the desert behind, we found a small river and stopped to rest and wash up again. Link and I sat under a Hugh burlap tree, enjoying the shade it provided while we ate bread and cheese.

Is cheese all you eat? You’re not going to shit for a good while.

And it’s not even like cheese makes good trail food, especially in a desert environment where it would get all sweaty and melty.

She’s the avatar, she just made a freezer.

Then feeling my eyes growing heavy, I cuddled into Link's arms and took a well deserved nap.

See Link has a purpose. He’s a good pillow, and nothing else. Also what do you mean “well deserved nap” since you've left nothing has happend.

           Link awoke me a short time later then we resumed heading home. We finally arrived back in Hyrule just before nightfall.

So I vaguely recall some agreement where we would never speak of this major plot hole again, but that was a while ago and I just have to say it; Link is the hero of time. He can control the time, he could have easily made it day and night at convenient points in their journey and avoided a whole lot of bullshitery.

The pinkish lavender coated skies reached its hand across Hyrule Field, giving it even more immense beauty.

“Look how poetic I am.”

We headed for the drawbridge and crossed it just before it was raised for the night. We rode all the way to the first gate where my old friend Perrino was on guard duty.

Okay taking bets on how many times they say friend. I have five internets on fifteen times.

I’ll raise you six monies and make it one score of friends.

As we approached him he jumped as a look of pure shock crossed his face. "Oh by the Goddesses…Jenna you and Link have finally returned home!"

“We weren’t expecting you so soon. Uh, give me a minute? Hey, Saria! She’s back, get rid of the effigies! Yes, all of them! Welcome back your highness.”

"Do you wish to see Princess Zelda tonight?" He asked smiling. "Yes we do Perrino, and with great urgency." "We have some very important information." I returned sternly, my face glowing with concern. "Yes at once then mistress Jenna." Perrino returned as he slid the gate open.

           We rode up the dirt path and to the second gate where the guards took our horses to the royal stables then led us inside the castle. We were then led to the throne room where Zelda was waiting, her eyes shimmering with happiness that we returned home safely.

Well that’s a delightful surprise, not even one friend. But I was closer so I win, pay up bitch!

Fine, but my monies are all in my office. Let me out of the cage and I’ll get them for you right away.

Well okay… HEY wait a minute, you sneaky bastard.

But that was all soon to change when we told her about our encounter with Draconians and Dark Knights.

“Wow Link I didn’t know you were such a little bitch” Zelda said after we told her the story.

           After she heard all the information we possessed,

All of it. Not just the crucial parts, not just what’s relevant to the situation, not even the interesting things; every single bit of information Jenna has ever known.

Oh so she made her read this story?


security was upped at every border and along the perimeter near the Black Desert and Gerudo Desert. Word had spread quickly threw Hyrule about Ariakas and his Draconians, causing the citizens of Hyrule to be thrown into a shear panic.

See that’s why you don’t tell your people ‘hey there’s this guy with a dragon army who might attack here.’

People in Kakariko Village had started boarding up windows and bolting doors.

They’re being invaded by Dragons, right?


And they know their houses look pretty flammable, right?

Apparently not.

More guards were stationed along the border to Death Mountain

Please tell me that is not a true place in the Zelda universe.

Actually, it is. But it’s where these friendly little fucks live, so I can’t hate it too much.


and just outside the entrance to the village.

          The word had even spread to the Kokiri Forest and Gerudo Valley.

Both of whom would be completely fucked in the event of dragon attack. Although they’re not alone; the Hyrule castle and, ironically enough, the goron village in Death Mountain are probably two of the only safe places.


The castle is a castle, and the village would make for a fantastic bunker. But knowing this story, I think I know how it’s going to happen.

Link and I were having a picnic in this level I made up, when suddenly news arrived that the Draconians had attacked. So we mounted our horses and made the unnecessarily long journey to the Goron Village, where we spoke with the guard outside the gate. “Everyone is safe inside” “Your highness.” “But I’ll open the gate, endangering the lives of everyone, so that you can” “Get through.”

Sounds about right. Although they would mount thare mare and stallion.

Link and I were having a picnic in this level I made up, when suddenly news arrived that the Draconians had attacked. So we mounted our horses Warnuts and Hentai Man and made the unnecessarily long journey to the Goron Village, where we spoke with the guard outside the gate. “Everyone is safe inside” “Your highness.” “But I’ll open the gate, endangering the lives of everyone, so that you can” “Get through.”

I hate you.

The Gerudo's had started upping their defensive training and attack strategies. The Gerudo leaders were pushing all the women from as young as fourteen to enter the harsh Gerudo Training Grounds to hone in on their attack skills.

For fuck’s sake, does Hyrule have an army or doesn’t it?

You mean the one run by Link.

Yeah, that one; the one that’s completely stupid but somehow makes this Gerudo army even stupider.

Security had even became tightlipped among their hideout. Only persons possessing the Gerudo's Membership cards

Now they stop sounding like a town and more like a club.

were allowed within its walls.

           Even the peaceful Kokiri had started training in the arts of attack and defense.

Peaceful my ass, they don’t even let a child leave the town without the proper weapons.

Mido had made sure that he would not go without some way of protection for his forest or people. So every Kokiri was equipped with a Kokiri sword and small crossbow.

What a weird combination of weapons.

Each were trained under the Know it all brothers whose knowledge in the arts of fighting were widely known.

“They were a peaceful people. A peaceful people with widely known knowledge of fighting and their own series of swords named after them.”

           The Zora and Goron had even prepared for war.

You could have simplified all of this in one line, ready. “Everyone was preparing for war.”

Security was even more tight knitted among them. No one was allowed to enter the Goron City unless they knew the song of the royal family,


and the Zoras admitted no one unless they were in direct contact with the royal family.

You know what this is all sounding like? The exact level of security every village had in the game, which as far as the zoras and gorons and kokiri knew took place during a time of peace.

Even as peaceful as these races have been known to be, they became more warlike,

It’s like their leaders want to protect them.

steeled themselves for battle with the threat of such a deadly enemy as Ariakas. I watched as most of Hyrule prepared for impending doom,

Again they have you and bitch ass Link to protect them. I think they’ll live

their very lives being thrust into a state of turmoil. Fear had spread out among the entire countryside with the knowledge that a Dark Knight on dragon back could attack at any time.


Most Hylians who crossed Hyrule Field to get from one place to another, usually did not stay out in the open too long with that kind of threat upon them.


Didn’t it just say everybody is on lockdown? And now they can wander around in the open?

I think what she means by that is the wandering traders.

Fair enough. Say, remember when Jenna was a wandering trader?

Do you mean back befor I knew about this shitstorm?

You must’ve missed it then. Once upon a time she was your standard Mary Sue, inserting herself into the story in a relatively harmless way. But apparently she ate a shit ton of rare candies, because she evolved into the Mega Sue we see today.

             But there were precautions taken to try to prevent any Draconians form entering Hyrule airspace.


Yeah, I’m sure airspace is a term they used in medieval Hyrule.

Watchtowers were put up along the borders to the Black and Gerudo Deserts. One was even stationed at the infamous Spirit Temple, where Nabooru herself stayed in close contact with. But even with watchtowers in place, no one could be sure that a Draconian patrol small enough could slip past the watchtowers and cross Hyrule's border.

Yeah I guess that could happen… If you have your worst gourds on duty.

Plans were put into the works by Princess Zelda to establish an air patrol of some kind.

“That’s when I remember that I’m part valkyrie, and I also have the power to clone myself, so I offered to take care of the air patrol single handedly while Link did some trivial bullshit.”

Ground patrol had been covered with Knights on horse back,

Oh my me just get to the war

but with something patrolling the skies above, the threat of Draconians crossing the borders from above might be minimized.

Just a crazy idea, but hear me out; what if the guards on the ground had some sort of magical ability to tilt their heads and look up?

To easy, to Da Vinci.

But there weren't really any creatures big enough except Dragons and Griffins to carry a full grown human.

Crazy thought, go and apologize to the griffins. After that maybe you can make a deal. If that doesn’t work you can do what you did during the great war and kidnap them.

           The only other creatures big enough that could fly, were the (25)Unipegs

Sounds sexual, let’s take a look at what the footnote says. And we’ll be looking at twenty six, because somehow these aren’t even numbered correctly.

(26) A Unipeg is a cross between a unicorn and a Pegasus.


Why aren’t pegasi enough? Why must you make this even more whimsical than it has to be? And aren’t they called alicorns? And why do I know this? And How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real? And Has Anyone Really Been Far Even as Decided to Use Even Go Want to do Look More Like?

The Unipegs are winged unicorns. These creatures are said to have mystical powers and can only be seen by a person pure of heart.

Wow how original.


These mystical beauties are also said to live among a magical forest that only appears in the light of the full moon, taking care of the creatures that live among it. If one is lucky to have a Unipeg come to them, it is said that all your dreams and prayers will come true.

My six year old sister could make up better bullshit than that.

Your six year old sister has made up better bullshit that that, surely you remember PU?

That was my other one.

Oh. Well then I take it back, your six year old sister has done nothing with her life.

that lived to the south of Hyrule in the (26)Mystic Rainforest. But the only problem was, one; the Unipegs were a peaceful non-war like race. These winged beauties live peacefully

You just told us they were peaceful. Literally one fucking sentance ago.

among the forest caring for the trees and creatures that live among them. And two; The Unipegs also don't just trust anyone like the Griffins,

You better not start with this shit again.

and usually will run at the sight of a human. It was said that the only way to gain a Unipegs trust, is you have to be pure of heart

Don’t you already have to be pure of heart to see them?

Don’t stare directly into the plot hole.

But there’s so many of them.

Yeah, I think I’m starting to remember why I locked myself in the cage; it’s cold and dark and horrible, but it’s a nice hiding place.

How well did that work

Zero out of ten, would not do again.

and you must also believe in them. If your heart was pure but you didn't believe in the Unipegs, then they wouldn't come to you and Visa Versa.

Wow, that rule is so pointless that it actually is a perfect sphere.

Not even that, one would even be so lucky to even find the Mystic Rainforest. This forest is under a magical spell. The properties of the forest keep changing so that one never knows whether they're in the right forest or not. Also the forest only shows itself fully under the light of the full moon.

We get it, it’s hard to find. Just move to the part where you find them, by yourself, as Link gets kidnaped.

           Zelda was not too sure if the Unipegs would even want to involve themselves in someone else's problems,

Again try the griffin apology/ kidnap plan.

let alone engage in a war. But she wanted to try anyway.

Yes lets waste a bunch of manpower to look for a race of magical bullshit that might not even exist.

This was the last hope for establishing air patrol.

Wanna fucking bet? Farries, did ya think about them? Have them fly around looking for dragons, they might not be able to fight but they can serve as reconnaissance.

But that wouldn’t involve Jenna.

You and I both know that her being able to transform into a fairy isn’t outside the realm of possibility.


So she sent a small convoy along with two diplomats representing Hyrule to the Mystic Rainforest.

Yes diplomats, because when I think pure heart I think of diplomats

Try sending the aristocrats, there’s not a fake thing about ‘em.

Two days later, the convoy returned with the Unipeg leader,


Finally a part without Jenna!

which came as a surprise to everyone.

“I mean I wasn’t even in there.”

After the Unipeg leader met with Princess Zelda, Link and I, he agreed to help us with our Knights to patrol the skies.

Because why make it any more complicated than that? Paragraphs of establishing how difficult it would be to get the unipegs to fight, only to have them agreeing to fight a few vague sentences later.

Yeah because Jenna was in the meeting.

The only set back was they steadfastly insisted that they would not engage in combat with any dragons.


So they’re no more helpful than farries or owls or griffins or the plethora of other sentient flying animals Hyrule has to offer! In fact, they’re less useful; these horny wingy fucks can only be seen by a handful of people. That might seem good for stealth, but its a huge drawback when you consider they can’t communicate with their own side either.

Since horsemeat was a dragon's favorite meal, the Unipegs would've made a fine delicacy for the dragons.

Oh we’re back to this bullshit

And that was something the Unipeg leader didn't want to risk. He had said their people had been living in secret inside the Rainforest to protect themselves from evil, especially dragons.



Makes perfect sense.

            So the Unipegs prepared themselves for a whole new way of life. Carrying humans on their backs took some time getting used to, especially for their riders. But not too long afterwards, the knights and Unipegs were working hand in hand, patrolling the skies with such marvelous and grace,

 Morbo - the word marvelous does not work that way

flying with the swiftness of a (27)Kariee in flight. Soon there after, Unipegs carrying Hylian Knights on their backs could been seen flying over Hyrule Field. With the knowledge that some of Hyrule's best were patrolling the skies, most Hylians became unafraid to travel across Hyrule Field. Though the dangerous threat still remained, Ariakas with his evil hoard of Dark Knights and Draconians from the Shadow Realm.

           Weeks passed with no sign of Ariakas and his evil knights. Then one day that was all about to change.

Gee where have I heard that before?


           Link and I had made one of our usual trips to Lake Hylia with our fairies and son

Oh yeah, they have one of those in case you forgot.

to watch the sunset. Since I was now seven months pregnant,

“But still perfectly capable of fighting dragons,”

Five bucks says she still will use her bullshit powers still

I had to regularly get out for fresh air. Link and I had found our usual spot on top the highest hill facing west, just six feet from the lake's bank, and snuggled down into each other's arms.

Is this what I think it is? Are they on a picnic?


I held our son in my arms while I breast-fed him. Our fairies had situated themselves at each of our sides, except Aria who landed on my left shoulder while I fed little Link.


A cool breeze rustled gently across the area, causing sweet smells of the approaching autumn to brush against our noses. With a gusty sigh, I backed up against Link's chest and snuggled my cheek against his, while his gentle deep blue eyes were transfixed towards the lake.

This is such a peaceful scene, it would be such a shame if it were to be interrupted by the bad news that you already told us is coming.

           I had always enjoyed these peaceful times with Link. Everything was quiet and serene, no one around to bother us. The threat of Ariakas had slowly started to dissipate, and everyone started to return to their normal lives.

Or so we thought….

I get the weirdest feeling that Ariakas is about to attack.


           The sun's last rays started to disappear over the horizon, it's golden orange lavender rays

There’s only one Ray, and he’s purple dammit. Besides, there’s no way golden orange lavender is a legitimate colour.


Hello! Is anyone in there?


I’ll take that as a yes and come right in then. I’m Dr. Greener, due to his medical ponyitus, I’m going to have to take your prisoner to the hospital.


*Cough, cough, very real cough*

It’s true, I got the dreaded ponyitus from this review I was working on when I locked myself in the cage. More on that later, in the meantime I really need to get to the hospital or something.

Yes, yes, now if this fine gentleman here would just open the cage…



Haha! It is I, Dr. Green! I’m sure you never -


Wow, what a photo realistic depiction of Warnuts kicking Martin into the cage where we’re both stuck now!

stretched its reach over the lake, causing it to glisten like small diamonds.


If everything is special, nothing is!

I watched in awe like I always have done as the reddish orange ball disappeared

Ugh, I think I remember why I disappeared from this review.

 over the horizon giving way to the deep blue color of the approaching night.

How poetic, except it’s not and it’s scientifically retarded. The sky doesn’t turn deep blue the moment you can’t see the sun. I know object permanence may be hard for Jenna to grasp, since most people only understand it once they’ve reached the ripe old age of two, but just because it’s out of sight doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Small white lights started to line the night sky as Link and I got up and brushed ourselves off. I wrapped our son in a tan wool blanket and we proceeded to gather the horses and head home, when I felt a sudden whoosh behind me.

It’s the canon, catch it!

           I swiftly turned around towards the lake.

Too late, it’s gone forever.

Shadows of dancing objects in the wind moved across the water's surface, but I saw nothing that caused that sudden rush of cold wind behind me.

Could it have been… the WIND?


I turned back around wearily and walked over to my horse. I patted the horse gently on the neck then proceeded to fasten Link jr into his small saddle.

That’s a thing? Please tell me that’s not a thing.

After he was secured on his saddle I mounted my mare and moved over to Link who had just finished fixing his saddlebags. But as I waited for Link to mount his stallion, I could not help but feeling as if we were being watched.

Is it just me or did we already read this?

At this point you’ve read the story 1337 times.

1340, but who’s counting.

After Link mounted his horse,

I will never not laugh immaturely at that.

I’ m sorry did I hear something being mounted?

Warnuts can’t play right now, he’s busy with the—


Wait a minute, it’s all four of us! Just like in the first My Inner Life review!

Good point… see ya.

All four?

I mean back then it was, you weren’t part of the, we live in a different—


You’re right. I apologize. As my gift to you, you can join this review.


I moved in closer to him so I was directly next to his ear.

           "Link, I don't know if you feel it too, but do you feel as if we're being watched?"

“Don’t worry honey, it’s the just the moon.”


I asked him barely audible, while my eyes watched nervously forward.


Just don’t look back here behind the fourth wall.

Link paused for a moment then turned to face me. "Are your sure Jenna?" "I don't sense anything of that stature."

“Whatever’s watching us has to be at least 5’9’’ for me to notice.”

[Insert dick joke. Insert it so hard.]

"Maybe you're just nervous about something."

It’s just the impending destruction of Hyrule, what’s there to be nervous about?

Link said softly and he placed a warm hand against my cheek. "I don't know." "I cannot help but feel as if something is watching me, staring at me with evil eyes."

Dear God it’s dark Link.

"I don't know about you, but I'm anxious to leave and go home."

           "I still think that you're just worried about something,

Yeah she is worried about something, she’s told you that three times already.

but if you want to leave my love then we will." Link cupped his other hand on my other cheek and

“Snapped my neck. the end”

pulled my face close to his. "But to make you feel better love, I will give you a nice hot sponge bath when we get home."


Link said soothingly

Smoothly? He told you to take a bath, sounded like an insult to me.

as he inclined his lips to mine. After a minute of peaceful eternity,

And utter horror for Link Jr.

Also, a moment of eternity? Oxymorons are fine, but when they’re made by morons on oxy they sound less poetic and more ridiculous.

I looked deeply into his eyes. "You always know how to make me feel better."

Really? I mean he did ignore you when said you were being watched.

 "And that's one of the reasons why I married you."

That is so self centered of her I’m honoring her with a mary sue point.

We need to set up a battle royal at some point to figure out who the biggest Mary Sue we’ve reviewed is.

I said softly against his lips, then  inclined to them again. The moments we spent locked in each other's kiss seemed to tick to an eternity of pure bliss as our small soft kisses soon gave way to deeper more passionate kisses,

Didn’t you want to leave.

and as we held the blissful position I suddenly felt warm and peaceful inside. The feelings of being watch soon left my body and opened up to ones of pleasure.

And now you’re fucking in front of your son. You sick bitch.

But don’t you remember? Them fucking while he’s in the womb was good for him, so this must be like triforce steroids.


           Then we drew apart and I took Link's hand and nuzzled my cheek into his palm. "I don't know what came over me."


"I suddenly feel foolish for thinking that something was watching me when it must have all been a dream."

A dream while you were awake?

It’s all a dream, remember the introduction? Stop kidding yourself.

I said, feeling slightly embarrassed. Link took his hand, lowered it under my chin and lifted my head up until our eyes met again. "I don't think your foolish my love, in fact, your more then that."

“You’re the stupidest cunt I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”


Also, the grammatical irony of him using your and then when talking about fools is delicious.

"Your still the most marvelous, sweet, beautiful women I feel in love with."

“Those women I don’t love on the other hand, holy shit do they make you look like a dull, bitter, ugly bitch.

"And it's those reasons why you should not feel foolish." Link lowered his face and cupped his hands around my face again, drawling me closer until our noses were just barely touching. "But if it would make you feel better sweet love, we should start heading home now."

“I’m scared, we should leave,” said the Mary Sue for no particular reason.

“You’re beautiful and perfect and I love you,” said her puppet.

“I’m not scared anymore, we shouldn’t leave anymore.”

“We should leave.”

"I think our son needs to get out of this night air and into bed."


           Inclining forward, I softly placed a light kiss against his lips. "You're right my love, I would favor that we get home and get our son to bed." "I'm also waiting in anxiety to get that sponge bath you promised me."

She does know what anxiety means, right?

Who do you think we’re dealing with?

I said seductively, my eyes twinkling with a certain desire. "As you wish." Link returned with a broad grin. "You're my Queen."

Why don’t you just marry her then?

We’ve been over it; he did, despite how far from the canon that would be.

♫ Ooooooooh~ Mary Sue’s author’s makin’ Mary Sue marry he, his new author’s makin’ he marry Marry Sue, and no one’ll be feelin’ merry for when Mary Sue’s married he, no one will be able to read the fucking story anymore because it’s all just gunna turn into a bunch of bullshit about love instead of swords and magic and monster and anything in the actual canon!

So is nobody going to talk about the giant elephant in the room?


Doesn’t look like he’s hurting anything.

I’m talking about how she put the whole ‘Link’s Queen’ in the story.

Yeah, that is a bit unconventional. A title drop, that’s nothing out of the ordinary. I do it all the time honestly. But an author drop? If you’re going to do that, you better be embodying a minor character or telling one hell of a story. Guess what Link’s Queen isn’t doing.

He added teasingly, then turned his horse towards the entrance to the lake

The entrance to the lake? You mean the lake?

and booted the horse in the legs,

Even though that’s not how you spur a horse.

taking off at a gallop. With a gusty sigh and a soft smile, I gestured for our fairies to follow then booted my horse as well and followed Link's path.

It took way too long for them to start heading back, yet I’m scared to what comes next because this outdoor setting is all I’ve had the pleasure of knowing of this review so far.

           After we arrived home, we stabled the horses, I put our son to bed then joined Link the tub room. When I got there, he had the tub already filled with hot water and (28)laxiousflower.

No. No, I’m not checking the index to learn about a gorram flower. That’s a world building step too far, especially consider there was already a world.

Taking my hand in his, he removed my robe and gently lifted me into the tub. Then I felt his broad hands against my shoulders as he begun to firmly massage them. As his gentle hands worked my sore tired muscles,

Of doing what? All you’ve talked about this whole chapter is that fucking lake and a meeting with Unibitchies.

and the soothing vapors of the laxiousflower penetrated my nose, I began to feel relaxed, my body loosened up, and Link's soft and gentle words begun to run threw my mind. I felt my eyes slowly close as the good feeling of being pampered caused me to drift into a state of pure bliss.


Huuuyyy, yes, yes, bliss.

           I just sat there while Link massaged me then bathed my body, removing the dust and dirt I picked up while caring for our house. But as my pregnancy progressed, chores were getting harder and more tiring to do.

So have Link do them, it’s not like he would say no.

So I decided that rather then take heat from Link from taking on overbearing responsibilities, I'd let him handle most of the housework like he did before during my first pregnancy, until after I gave birth. So I mentally decided that from that day forward until I had our second child, I would take it easy and relax.

Is she pregnant? I did come in in the middle of this. And another thing, which Link are we talking about? Young Link? If so she’s being a huge pedo.

Well this story started after Ocarina of Time, so do what you will with that information.

           After Link finished bathing me, he helped me out of the tub and handed me my light blue halter gown. I took it gently from him and slid it down over my body. The dress was snug and semi tight fitting, so it left nothing to the imagination

A: shut up your fucking pregnant fat. B: wouldn’t tight clothing be bad for pregnant people?

also, she better than you count 3:she still looks hotter than you even while pregnant.

Warnuts, were those colons I saw? Ugh, keep it classy; use a semicolon whether it’s the right punctuation or not;

Guys; shut; up; we; have; a; problem; the next paragraph, it isn’t awful.


and was one of Link's favorite things to have me wear even though my belly stuck out. After his eyes looked me over with a lingering desire, he decided to push aside the feelings for now and took me by the hand and led me down stairs. We gathered the fairies and decided that since night air was brisk and cool, we should enjoy the rest of the evening out on the porch swing. We went outside and sat down on the swing. I cuddled into Link's arms, as he pushed the swing and caused it to move in a gentle rocking motion. Then I felt Link's muscular arms slink around me, pulling me into his gentle embrace. I just rested my head against his chest and listened to the soft chirping sounds of the crickets for a few moments until Navi decided to stir up a conversation about the upcoming Fall Harvest. We just sat there and talked in meaningless dribble about who was going to set up the decorations, or who just who might be the next lucky girl to win the dance contest, when I felt a sudden chill run up my spine and the feeling of being watched rushed over me again. Since our home was located inside a secluded spot in the Lost Woods, I knew that this time something was definitely wrong.

See? If I had to knit pick it’s kind of self centered, but not nearly on the level of what she’s normally doing. The lovey dovey stuff isn’t actually that bad either.

           I looked up into Link's eyes and whispered softy to him. "Link my love, I cannot help but feel as if we are being watched again."

Jesus back to this shit again.

"I know that this seems crazy, but this time I know that I'm not just worried, there really is something out the there watching us." I lowered my head and nestled closer to him, seeking the protection of his strong arms.

“Even though I’m stronger.”

"Whatever it is, it's causing me to shiver with a cold fear." I said in a shuddering voice. Link lowered his head down so that his lips were brushing my cheek, his warm breath tickled my skin. He took my hand in his and brushed his lips crossed my cheek. "Don't worry my love." "I built this house inside a secluded spot, it would be too hard for anyone to find us without knowing the way."

Isn’t your house a fucking tree?

“Well we made a few additions for the baby, oh and we got a queen bed.”

I see what you did there, I hate it, but I still get it.

That reminds me of the unspeakable things that made me hide in the cage. Crotchboobs, so many crotchboobs…

Link took his hand and gently lifted my head up until our eyes locked.

           "Jenna my dear wife, I have never been the one to ever doubt you, I have always entrusted in your instincts." "Even though I find it hard to believe that…." Just then Navi cut in. "Shhhhh… you hear that."

Okay I’m calling bullshit that Navi heard something before Link or even Jenna. I mean Link apparently has super hearing and Jenna is part cat.

Navi said in a whisper,

I played the game, Navi is incapable of whispering.

More references, “Do a barrel roll.”

her blue aura flicking wildly. Gently Link lowered my head and cocked

Oh where’s Hent when we need him.

his long sensitive ear towards the sky, sitting in a dead silence while he quietly listened for any strange sounds. I too focused my hearing on the dead silence of the night, waiting for any strange noises.

“Baby, you’re just hearing things, *Navi hears something* What the fuck was that?”

After a few minutes went by with nothing being heard except for the soft chirping of the crickets and the sound of each other breathing, Link lowered his head, then looked back at Navi. "Navi I hear nothing," "What is it you heard?"

Oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration oh gods the reiteration.

Link questioned slightly annoyed. "It sounded like an low eerie grunting noise and I also felt as if we were being watched."

No just stop.

Navi said then silenced everyone again. "There it is again." She said as she cautiously floated over towards a small clump of bushes. A light blue trail

You disgrace this color.

of fairy dust trailed behind her as she moved closer to the bush, each move she made taking in heed. Then she paused for a moment just a few feet from the bush, as if she was examining it. We watched in dead silence as she just floated there, her aura flickering wildly.


        Then suddenly her aura changed onto a bright red as she shakily started floating backwards. Link and I dropped off the swing and slowly made our war to the end of the porch. "Navi what's wrong?" Link called out to her worriedly. "Link…Jenna, I suggest that we all get the hell out of here!"


When did Navi become a badass?

Navi cried out as she turned around and started flying in a fast pace towards the house. Just then a loud shrill cry filled the air as a massive bat like creature shot out from behind the thicket and into the air. The beast's eerie red eyes were focusing down on us. "OH MY GODDESSES…. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???!!!!" I cried as I backed into Link, thrusting my shuddering body against his. "Oh Goddesses, I don't know love, but everyone get into the house NOW!"

Link you disappoint me, where’s the fierce young Link that killed Ganondorf countless times?

Link shrieked as he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me towards the house. The sound of massive beating wings stirred the wind behind us as Link urgently pushed everyone inside the house,

Yes, hide from the fire breathing dragon in the wooden house.

then bolted the door behind himself

Even fucking better. Once upon a time, there were three Mary Sues and a big bad dragon. The first Mary Sue built her house in a tree, but the big bad dragon huffed, and puffed, and burned her house down. The third Mary Sues lived in a castle, and the big bad dragon huffed, and puffed, but was unable to burn her house down. For the third Mary Sue knew she’d be in a war against dragons, so she prepared for herself and her family. Guess what the second Mary Sue did; she lived in a wooden house and her family died, the end.

Good story, but this is a bat.

Oh. Once upon a time, there were three Mary Sues and a big bad bat—

Don’t you dare.

But I want to know how the story ends.



just before the beast managed to grab him. We watched in horror as the massive black bat like beast tried to rip and claw at the windows,

What type of windows do you have that a giant bat can’t get through?


its long white fangs caked with thick saliva as they glistened against the dim moonlight.

           I just cried against Link's chest while he held me close to him. "What are we going to do?"

Maybe you could fight him like you did WITH THE TWO FUCKING DRAGONS!

 I said in between chokes of tears, my body shuddering with a cold fear. Just before Link could answer, my head snapped towards the winding staircase. "Oh My Goddesses, Link….our son is all alone up there!"

“Quick, bring him down here where the giant menacing bat is!”

"We have to get him, we have to!" I screeched as I pulled myself out of Link's strong arms. Before he could stop me, I broke free and dashed into a dead run up the staircase towards the bedchambers.

“She tripped and knocked her head on the wooden floor, the end.”

When I reached the top, I dashed into the bedchamber on my left, knocking the door aside as I flung past. Gasping and out of breath, I hobbled quickly over to the crib where our son was lying and reached my arms over the side to grab him when a loud death shrill echoed threw the room, rattling the windows relentlessly.

I get the worst feeling that Link Jr is about to kill the bat with the same bull shit powers that Jenna has.

But did you have to say it out loud and set it in stone?

           Quickly I grabbed our son, hugged him close to my body and turned to run out when suddenly a large dark figure with massive weight crashed threw the window and landed on its hind legs,

Oh now it can get through.

 its massive leathery black wings beating with fury. Then the beast curled back its twisted lips, revealing long sharp white fangs dripping with thick salvia while its chilling deep blood red eyes looked me over with such evil that it sent cold shivers up my spine.

“Then I woke up in cold sweat and swore I’d never eat cold pizza again before going to bed.”

I hugged our crying son closer to my body as I slowly begun to back up, the beasts'

Oh, there’s more than one now?

hollow-less red eyes watching my every move

Why is it just watching you, instead of you know killing you

with bloodlust intentions flickering inside them. Slowly the massive bat like creature started matching my every move;

Oh, I thought this was going to be a fight scene. But nope, they’re just going to mirror each other for a while.

its vicious snarls and grunts caused every muscle in my body to tremble in fear.

           It was at that point I knew the evil creature was trying to trap me inside the room, the intentions clear upon its twisted face,

How the fuck would you be able to read the exact intentions of this creature you’ve never seen before?

but I knew if my son, my unborn child and I was going to survive, I had to escape at all costs.

Or you could use the combat skills we all know you have.

I slowly continued to back up, watching the creature as it mimicked me,

So it too is backing up

its fangs glistening against the dim light in the room as the saliva begun to drip faster and thicker from them, causing puddles of thick oozy slime to form on the floor, but I waited for the right moment, the right moment to make my escape.

Speaking of which, has anyone seen Martin?

Last I saw of him he ran out screaming.


I’m here everyone.

Hent, what happened to Martin?

I took him on vacation with me.

I don’t know if I should be jealous or glad it wasn’t me.

You can come along next time.



Then a strange noise begun to rumble inside the beast's body

No more Taco Bell.

as its mouth begun to open wider causing a dank smell of dead flesh and rotting food to emit from it.

So? My breath tends to smell like that too, it doesn’t mean I’m violent. Necessarily. But really, has this creature done anything to actually hurt Jenna or her family?

Some of us are lost. What’s going on?

I got this one!


Works for me.

With that the beast bucked its head back and let out an ear-piercing shrill cry that caused me to clench at my ears in pain, causing my eardrums to feel like they were going to explode inside my head.

I really hope they do.

The minutes the beast spent locked in that death cry seemed to tick to an eternity,



Also, the beast spent minutes doing nothing but screaming, and you couldn’t find some opportunity to escape?

Yes this way Link can try and come in just to get his ass kicked. Thus leaving Jenna to save everyone.

 when suddenly all went silent and the next thing I knew the beast had gone air born and begun to dip into a death dive towards me.

Jenna; how big is your fucking room? This bat thing, which I’m assuming has a decent size to it,  is able to just fly around all willy nilly?

It depends on how big his “bat” is. He is in this story so it can't be that big.

With a shriek and eyes wide with fear, I decided to make my escape.

About damn time.

Escape? You guys told me that you got to a sex scene!

It’s, um… tsundere? Yeah, let’s go with that. The bat knows that Jenna really wants it, but she’s playing super hard to get.

(saving you a trip to wikipedia) Tsundere is a character who is initially cold or hostile but eventually comes to love the person.     I don’t want to be here that long!!! Give sex now!

Hey Hent look in that cage, there’s a hmanga in there.

Don’t do it, it’s a trap! I have thoroughly inspected this manga, it’s ecchi at best.

What I would never do that.

You think that will satisfy my needs!

There’s also a naked chick?



Swiftly I dashed towards the door, thrusting it aside as I darted past.

           I clenched my son tight against my shaking body as I went into a mad dash down the winding staircase; the sound of massive beating wings rang loudly behind me.

Is it too nitpicky to point out that loudly is a useless word in that sentence? I mean, if this were a formal critique it’s something I’d mention, but clearly we’re far past minor details like that.

Reaching the bottom, I grabbed a hold of Link and begun to pull him with me. "Oh My Goddesses Link, we have got to get the hell out of here, that flying beast attacked me upstairs

No it had a staring contest with you.

And now they’re playing follow the leader. This creature isn’t terrifying, he’s fun!

and is now coming this way!" I said fervently in-between gasps of breath my hands trembling vigorously. His blue eyes suddenly changed into a deep shade of gray,


Which one? Theres like...50 of them.

causing them to widen with a paralyzing fear. "Oh My…..Lilly, Navi, Aria we must leave NOW!"

Like a bitch.

Link cried as he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into a dead run along with him. Using his shoulder Link bashed threw the front door causing the wood to shatter into splinters

Because opening it would be too easy.

This is far more satisfying.

He’s gotcha there.

just as the loud crashing sound of the metal staircase buckling and twisting under massive weight rang loudly behind us. Just before Link and I rounded the corner, I saw the massive black bat creature landing heavily in our now mangled living room, its mouth gapped wide as its death cry begun to fill the night with a cold fear.

          Link and I made our way threw the darkness and into the stables where our horses were dancing around in fear,


God I hate you.

Yeah Hent, that’s not fear. Go find a pony version of this.


But that’s thriller not fear.

Hold on. I got this.

But that’s depression not fear.

Oh my Warnuts Warnuts, that’s angst not depression, he’s a goth not an emo, you don’t know anything, you’re whatever the goth devil is. (Insert heavy eye rolling because I saw part of this episode but really couldn’t give a fuck)

… asked for it.


Hentai Man wins.

 their eyes rolling back as their frightened whinnies filled the surrounding area.

Yeah, it’s a good idea to get on those horses, what could go wrong?

We proceeded to free the horses, allowing all but two to run out the barn and into the deep thicket of the forest.

Cool now everyone else can’t leave fast enough.

Quickly Link saddled Midnight Star and Epona, then threw our saddlebags across them. "Jenna quickly, saddle our son then mount, we must leave quickly!"

“No this is the best time to have some tea!”

“And yes, the saddles are one hundred percent necessary, it’s not like we could ride bareback in an emergency!”

Theres an emergency going on?

There really shouldn’t be, but for some reason Link’s Queen has decided to make a big deal of this.

Link said with urgency as he rallied our fairies

This is the only sex I’m going to get isn’t it?

then mounted his stallion.

Hey, there’s some sex, if you’re into that.

It’s the middle of the night, I’m in my basement, and i'm listening to Hatsune Miku. My body is ready.

"We must hurry and ride to the castle to take sanctuary!"

my sanctuary, yeah. Where fears and lies melt away. Good song.

With hast, I quickly secured our crying son into his small saddle then mounted Epona. With one last glance at each other, Link and I booted our horses in the legs, causing them to whiney and take off out of the barn and into the cold night at a dead run. We raced around the winding trails, made our way out the tunnel that led to the Lost Woods and out onto the peaceful rolling hills of Hyrule Field.

Peaceful? Skeletons there come to life and attack people every single night. Guess what time it is. Night.

Minecraft? Just go to sleep and they will die in the morning.

Unless there’s a fucking tree.

Fuck you shade!!!!

          I lowered my head down against Epona's white mane as it whipped wildly in the wind, the hollowing noises of the wind rushing past us caused the silence of the night to be filled with chaos. Slowly the castle started to come into view just as the loud shrill cry of the bat beast rang threw the forest, followed by the sound of massive leathery wings beating in the air. Slowly I turned my head only to be faced with the sight of the massive evil creature swiftly emerging from the forest and into the air as it took pursuit after us.

Well if it couldn’t catch you while you took the time to saddle your horses and secure a child seat, it doesn’t really stand a chance now. Too bad really, the next game was going to be drink the beer.

Do I need to have played the games to understand what the fuck is going on?

No, far worse; you need to have read the story. In fact, worse than that; you need to have read our review of the story.

I’ll stick with the anime fanfiction. I haven't found a really long one….yet

Is that so? I have one with your name on it, anytime you’re ready.

…...fuck. I hope it’s not one with Naruto. I hate that show.



With a shudder, I lowered my body closer to Epona's body and urged her on into a faster pace, causing her to catch up with Link's horse and the trailing dust that glittered behind our frightened fairies. We pushed on, the vision of the castle came closer into view, and the silhouette soon gave way to the sight of the shimmering stone that formed the castle's walls.

I was probably bitter and angry about it before, but I do kind of like it that she’s incorporated the render distance into the actual narrative. It doesn’t come close to making up for the rest of the story, not by a long shot, but I’ll admit this one thing is a neat touch.

          "Link…we must hurry….the beast is in pursuit!"


I shrieked over the cascading noises racing threw the night, my hands twitching nervously on the reins. "Don't worry love we're almost there, just hang on a little longer!" Link called back, his voice being warped over the loud howling noises.

And by the fact that they’re riding horses quite quickly, which makes conversation rather difficult.

"We won't make it if that damned beast catches up with us!" I returned angrily as I looked back to see a large black shape with death red eyes thrusting its massive wings against the wind as it begin to dip into a death dive. "OH MY GODDESSES……LINK ITS CLOSING IN ON US……I screeched…..LINK….OH BY FARORE….WE MUST HURRY!"

That’s not the formal way to use ellipses, that’s not the casual way to use ellipses, and best of all; those are not even fucking ellipses. Three dots to an ellipsis, not however many you goddamn feel like. Congratulations Link’s Queen, you misspelled punctuation.

Suddenly the wooden bridge came into view as it lay across the small mote surrounding the shimmering walls that surrounded the Market. "Quickly Jenna…we must cross the bridge before it closes for the night!" Link cried out over the howling wind.

But night already it is sun down moon see darkness bat evil not day but is why?

Booting Epona in the legs, she bolted forward, as she raced across the wooden bridge causing a loud shuddering sound of hooves clicking wildly on it.

           Swiftly Link and I raced threw the Market and up the winding dirt path that led to Hyrule Castle as the loud shrieking cries of the beast rained loudly in the distance. We raced past the first gate, which amazingly, was left open

Well someone’s getting fired in the morning, if Zelda isn’t dead.

and up to the second gates, where two guards were resting lazily on their spears.

What… The… Fuck?

Sounds cumfy.

Quickly Link and I pulled our horses to a skidding halt and dismounted, waking the guards suddenly causing them to jump shakily. Then the guards looked at us skeptically. "What business do you have here Link at this time of night?" One of the guards asked questioningly.

“What business do you as a guard have questioning your blatantly obvious superior?” Ray asked rhetorically.


"This is not the time to ask questions, hurry we must see Princess Zelda NOW….its of great urgency!"

Link’s Queen, what do you think an ellipsis does? I hate to linger on this because they’re used wrong all the time anyways, but I really want to know. They don’t automatically make things more dramatic if that’s what you were going for. If it’s dramatic emphasis you’re looking for consider a semicolon, but for a true dramatic effect you have to earn it.

Link snapped as the shrill cry of the bat creature shattered the silence of the night,

Again why is Link being such a dick?

It’s not like he has been saving a princess for 20 years, over multiple lives, for way too many games, and has still never gotten any.

 its twisted black image came into view as it flew in front of the full moon, causing the guards to jump in fear. "Oh By the GODDESSES….what the hell is that?!"

It’s something much less threatening than the army of dragons poised to invade your kingdom.

One of the guards cried out as he pointed skyward. "That's what we came here about….now we must hurry and take sanctuary inside….open those damned gates NOW! I snapped as I grabbed one of the guard's spears and thrust it at him.


Where is the sex? We have thrusting but we aren't doing it into any holes yet.

Patience young grasssmoker.

Without any questions, the guards hastily opened the gates, allowing us to pass. I unfastened our son from his small saddle, then hastily followed Link and the guards into the sanctuary of the castle.

The first time you see the main villain in Ocarina of Time he’s leaving the castle, showing that he was previously in it. If that weren’t enough, the second time you see the main villain he is inside the castle, right next to the princess and unseen king; the castle is no sanctuary.

           Upon entering the castle, Link grabbed one of the serving girls

All right! My time to shine!


that was passing by and told her to go and wake Princess Zelda. A skeptical look crossed her face, but without haste, she walked quickly



Without haste, quickly.


in the direction towards Zelda's bedchambers.

 We were then directed to the throne room. A few minutes later, Zelda joined us along with her father in the throne room, tired and annoyed looks upon their faces.

Why Link and Jenna have never just popped in this late at night just to say hi.

Zelda swiftly approached us, her blue eyes glowing with irritation. "Link, Jenna, what is of such great importance for you both to come to the castle at this hour of the night?" Zelda questioned as she crossed her arms across her chest.

“We saw a bat and got ascared, can we sleep in your bed tonight?”

Also they do have the best tea.


"Princess, my dear friend, Link and I came her with terrible news,

No, back it up. what you should say is, “HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE IS A GIANT FUCKING BAT THAT JUST WENT THREW OUR FUCKING HOUSE!” More or less anyway.

the news of a terrible creature that has entered Hyrule." I said shakily as I walked closer to Zelda, my brown eyes locking with hers. "What…creature….speak up my friend, what has happened." Zelda returned, her ivory white hand resting upon my shoulder.


Nothing has happened! The bat hasn’t done a single malicious thing, the worst it did is break into your house and chase you around; for all you know it’s because it has some critical message to deliver, something beneficial to you!

It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this!


"Princess what my wife is trying to say is that a terrible evil creature has attacked us in our home, causing us to flee from our house to take sanctuary here."

A creature at there house? #1. Isn’t Link an adventure? Why is he settling down? #2. Mice and or rats are not that bad.

Link added as Zelda's blue eyes begun to fill with a mixture of shock and fear.

           "I cannot quite explain it myself, but I can say that the creature was of some gigantic black like bat creature with evil red eyes and vicious fangs." "And from the way it attacked me, I say it's soul propose was to attack and kill me,

A: no it was probably made to kill Jenna. B: Stop being a bitch.

but for what reason I still don't understand." I said shakily as I went into Link's arms in search of comfort.

and found nun because he is the worlds biggest pussy.  

 I just watched as Zelda and her father's eyes widened, the fear apparent in their eyes. Just then our son started to cry loudly, his little pointed ears twitched uncontrollably as he squirmed in my cold arms.

Really, are elvish ears expressive? They’re like cats and not humans despite the much clearer resemblance to the latter?

I took the blanket I had stuffed in the small leather bag I had carried in and wrapped him in it. "Shhhh my son, quiet down little one." I cooed softly as I gently shook him in my arms. Then Aria flew down and floated softly around his head, the light blue glittery dust caused him to stop crying momentarily as he raised his hands up to grasp it.

And kill it to get five fucking minutes of silence.

At that point I took the momentarily interruption of his crying to move off to one corner of the room.

           "I think he needs to be fed, he's hungry, cold, and tired." I said as I walked over to one of the velvety chairs in the corner, sat down and proceeded to feed him.

I’m sure Hentai Man doesn’t have a gif of anything remotely related to this…

How about this?


I don’t even… I’ll accept it.

I just sat there feeding little Link, while Link had a fevered discussion with Zelda and the king about the new threat of the dangerous dark bat creature roaming Hyrule.

I got it.


As I listened to Link describe the creature to Zelda, haunting memories of the degusting creature filled into my mind. The thought of those evil red eyes and dank breath sent paralyzing shivers up my spine, causing my body to shake with a cold fear. I looked down at our son suckling on my nipple and started to cry silently.

A woman crying while breast feeding, that has the potential to be some powerful imagery. You know what context it doesn’t work in? This one.

Nipple sucking…her child...gif….

Don’t you dare.


Okay, I’ll accept this one.


Le sigh.

Small crystal white tears begun to slowly stream down my face

White? That’s milk, and you’re doing it wrong.

as the dread thoughts of what that evil creature might have done to our son should it have gotten a hold of him.

Offer the son as a sacrifice, maybe the allegedly horrid creature would’ve left you alone.

And a mixture of fears raced threw my mind on what reasons the creature would've wanted with our son or me caused the feelings of trepidation to rage threw my body, threw my every vein.

For someone who doesn’t know how to spell through she sure uses it a lot.

Then my head snapped and the cold fear raged up my spine again as the realization that I was still pregnant caused the color to drain from my eyes. I begun to shudder at the thought that if the creature had gotten a hold of me, our unborn son……

“Would have remain just as unimportant.”

           I clutched my son tighter as I slowly lowered my right hand to my belly, my fingers gently probing the wrinkles in the fabric of my gown. "Oh my Goddesses, was that creature really after me or was he really after our unborn child."

What did I tell you. No one gives a fuck about Link.

I thought to myself as the thoughts of the creature caused my body to feel like going numb. "What in all of Hyrule would it have wanted with our children," then suddenly my body felt colder, the shock of what came to mind caused me to feel paralyzed, "Oh Goddesses……NO…. that cannot be what it wants them for…or is it?"


Obviously he wants him for world domination.         

Suddenly I heard a gentle voice probe my mind. "Are you ok love?"

Oh she’s just dapper.

The voice called. I looked up and saw that Link was staring at me, his dark blue eyes filled with worry. "Link my love, I think we need to talk…alone."

Why? Why can’t the princess know about your batshit crazy theory about the bat being after you’re little shits you crazy bitch?

Does the baby have to leave too?

Following the logic we’ve seen so far, it’s a safe assumption.

I returned weakly back to him in his mind. Link looked at me with a slight growing fear in his eyes, the color slowly draining from them causing them to turn a shade of gray. "What is wrong love, what has you all worked up?" Link asked me again telepathically.  My eyes faltered. "Link….I just need to talk to you…alone."

You have telepathy, how can you be any more alone?

I returned. "Ok Jenna my love, its ok…we'll talk alone." Breaking the connection, Link was able to temporarily pull himself away from Zelda

She’s not all that hot anyways.

and her father to speak with me alone. He came over and sat down on the velvety chair beside me, taking his strong warm arms and embracing my shaking body gently in them. I gently moved our son to the other breast so he could finish feeding, the looked up at Link, my eyes locking with his.

           I just sat there a moment at looked at him, unable to speak, then Link's eyes penetrated deep into mine as he finally broke the silence. "Jenna what's wrong, you do not look well." Link said with concern, his hands stroking my shoulders. "Link…its just…that creature, I believe I know why it attacked me,

“It knew that an infant and a fituese were still stronger than you.”

and its those very reasons that scares the shit out of me."

Hey now, watch the language. you’re fucking breast feeding a child.

As a saint, I can confirm that sins are transferred through breastfeeding.

As a Professor, I can confirm that this is scientifically plausible.


As a God, I demand that you shut up.

As an Atheist/Rapist, Fuck you and your rules.

That’s it, I’m taking away the porn.

You cannot stop me!

Oh really.





Shit, I never thought anyone would be that desperate to use bing.

I will go any distant. No matter the cost.

I said shakily as small tears begun to well up in my eyes. "What…what reasons, Jenna tell me what's troubling you."

Fuck you’re dense.

Link pleaded as his grip on my shoulders tightened. Then my eyes lowered. "Link…I believe I know what the creature was after….I feel that it was after our children…our son and our unborn child." I returned nearly on the verge of tears. Suddenly Link's face went a shade of white, the color completely draining from his eyes. "What……are you serious Jenna…are you sure?"

Exactly as sure as she is about the bat being evil.

My eyes locked with his again. "Link, why do you think it came after me when I went to get our son?" "When we first ran into the house, it was shrieking and clawing at the windows downstairs, but don't you find it a bit odd that it suddenly flew up and threw the window upstairs right after I ran up there?"

No! At least I certainly don’t! Are you an expert on chiroptera behavior tendencies?

           Suddenly Link's eyes lowered towards our son. "By the Goddesses

Alright dude. It was annoying in Mass Effect and it’s annoying here. The Goddess doesn't care. Shut the fuck up and write something else for a change.

Like Oh my Warnuts.

you don't suppose…?" "No he cannot be what it was after!" Link spurted suddenly, shaky and raspy. I took my free hand and rested it gently on Link's "Love, yes I believe that it was our son and unborn child the creature was after." I fear that Ariakas is behind that attack, he sent that evil creature to carry out his revenge against us for helping Dalamar and for I killing those two Draconians."

             ust then little Link stopped suckling, looked up at his father, giggled and smiled. His little blue eyes seemed to sparkle as he locked eyes with Link's. I watched as Link smiled, took him from my arms and cradled him in his own. With a teary smile, I inched over closer to Link and rested my head on his shoulder.

“Silly baby, don’t pay attention to Link! I’m the Mary Sue mother, I’m the only one you love. Look at me!”

Our son just giggled happily as his father teased and tickled him, causing tears to fall in steady streams down my face as I watched them. Then I felt something move in my stomach. Lowering my hand, I placed in upon my belly and felt the sudden thrusts from within. Our unborn child was kicking, and suddenly my head snapped.

Your head snapped a long, long time ago Jenna.

It was at that point I came back to the realization that it was that tiny life and the life of our son that was in danger.  My face suddenly faltered as I looked back up at Link and directly into his eyes. "Link, I'm afraid." "I'm afraid that Ariakas will continue his attacks on our children until he kills them….."

Fuck. There’s more of them?

I stammered as I started to cry uncontrollably. "I fear that Ariakas will stop at nothing until he extracts out his revenge on us."

Good. Not even from a point of personal contempt, but from a point of storytelling; this plot needs justifiable conflict. If the bat incident does turn out to be an act of revenge, I won’t forgive the way it was introduced but in the long haul the plot will be better off because of it.

           I felt Link's warn palm on my cheek as he kissed me gingerly. Then he handed our son back to me as he gently embraced me again. Slowly he rocked me in his arms while I cried, all the fears inside caused my stomach to clench up. "Shhhh Jenna its alright, I swear by my own life that I will not let anything befall you or our children."

Someone is about to die.

Then Link put his hand underneath my chin and lifted my head up until our eyes met. "But I agree with you darling, I fear as well that Ariakas will stop at nothing to carry our his revenge against us." "So I believe that it is time for us to locate this Shadow Realm and take out Ariakas from within." Suddenly my eyes went ghostly white.

Oh good, she’s been possessed, I can only imagine what wonderful opportunities this will open up for the storyline.

"You cannot be serious!" I screeched. "You cannot actually believe that we can enter that cursed place and hope to come out ALIVE!" I reached over and clasped both hands on Link's shoulders. "If we go there Ariakas will kill us for sure, and besides we don't know what kind of evil creatures live in that place!" "We will be walking right into his hands!" I cried as I shook Link profusely.

           Link looked up at me and smiled. "That's why love," His eyes seemed to glow with some kind of certainty. "He will not know we're there."

Okay now that that is done on to the next chapter.





Haha Sucks for you.