No, the title isn't a typo, but it is what told me this story would be worth reviewing.
May 18, 2003
Cindy wakes up on a small bed still groggy and sore from the from the chase the two days before!
Waking up has never been more exciting! You can tell because of the exclamation point!
She mumbles to herself, "Damn!
Okay, seriously though Iotonka, you should know there are other ways to punctuate the end of a sentence. I only mention it because “Damn!” doesn’t sound much like mumbling.
How did they find me?"
Maybe you’re not quite as subtle as you think you are, Miss Yells-a-Lot.
She had been on the run for two months and thought she was home free. She sits up on bed the looks around.
This the proof read why you do.
Then she mumbles, "Damn!
I hate this place!
What if instead of blatantly saying that, you had the narrator describe all of the things that make it a hateable place? Just a crazy idea that’s been floating around lately.
I swear that next time they will not find me!"
She slowly stands up and walks over to the door, looks out the 5 by 5 glass window
Five by five furlongs? Parsecs? Cubits? Planck lengths? Doesn’t matter, the only important thing is that the glass window is a square and nothing else.
and yells, "You fucking pricks!"
A half second later she receives an electric from the collar she wearing, she mumbles, "Damn, that fucking hurts!"
verb (used without object), mum·bled, mum·bling.
1. To speak in a low indistinct manner, almost to an unintelligible extent; mutter.
2. To chew ineffectively, as from loss of teeth: to mumble on a crust.
verb (used with object), mum·bled, mum·bling.
3. To say or utter indistinctly, as with partly closed lips: He mumbled something about expenses.
4. To chew, or try to eat, with difficulty, as from loss of teeth.
5. A low, indistinct utterance or sound.
incorrect usage (Used in bad writing found on obscure websites), mum·bles
6. To exclaim or shout: She mumbles to herself, “Damn!”
Five second later a face appears in the window.
Five seconds, I’m sure we’ll be referring back to this detail countless times later on. And even if we don’t, it did so much to set the scene and make the narrative feel complete that it would be utterly retarded for Iotonka to have gone without it.
The keypad next to the door beeps and reads. "Unlocked, Access Granted..."
The door slides open into the wall and a lady walks in. She set a tray down on the table next to the bed.
She was given room service for calling people pricks? Shit, I’ve been doing it all these years for free.
Nice to have you back 154.
Must be the number of times she’s mumbled “Damn!”
We were beginning to worry about you?
You’ll have to say it with more conviction than that. Take a lesson from Cindy 154, just don’t take too many or you’ll be selling it too hard. How is it that both character are terrible actors and neither of them are acting?
You know we can't let you run loose like that. You're too important to us!
"Yeah right! Like you people really care about me. You have no right keeping me here!"
Maybe if you told us where this is, or who you are, or what you’re doing, or why you’re doing it, or how you’re doing it, then maybe, maybe us readers would be inclined to care. Until then we’ll sit here being unimpressed by your misuse of vocabulary and punctuation.
A half second later
Okay, I’ll give Iotonka some credit; we might be missing who, where, what, why, and how, but we do have when down to an impressive degree.
she yells "Ooww! That hurts!!!"
Three times the exclamation!!! Three times the incompetence!!!
as the collar zaps her again.
The nurse grabs Cindy face
and says, "You better learn to cooperate or else we will have to turn the power up on that collar of yours!
I don't think you want us to do that."
Fine, don’t kiss, it’s all the same to me; just do anything remotely meaningful.
Cindy mumbles under her breath, "You fucking cunt, you just wait until I get a chance to fuck you over!"
I’m not quite sure where this is going, so that was either the best or worst choice of words.
The nurse tells Cindy, "Now sit up straight so I can take a look at you! No ill effects, good!
Ill effects from what‽ Iotonka, you are making a deliberate point to avoid telling us anything.
Eye sight is fine, good!" As the nurse continues looking Cindy over, the girl hears a voice in the back of her mind. "Hey Cindy, It's me Cat."
Cindy tries to return a response to Cathy's mind, but the grogginess still lingered.
Weird how that grogginess wasn’t a problem when she was calling people fucking pricks. Although speaking of grog, I’ll be right back.
Cathy sends another thought to Cindy mind, "Don't try to respond, it just makes your head hurt!"
I couldn’t have summarized this review better myself.
Cindy turns her head slightly and tries to send another thought to Cathy
“Bitch, what did I just say?”
"O...Okay Ca...!" The girls were used to using their telepathic powers this way.
Which girls? What telepathic powers? These questions and more will probably never be explained, next time on Center, The!
The nurse finishes looking Cindy and reaches for a glass sitting on the tray. "Here drink this." The nurse gets up walks out the door.
“You’ve demonstrated a complete lack of obedience and a general contempt for us as a whole, but I trust you to drink this unexplained liquid without any supervision.”
Cindy hears the nurse talking to some body in the hall. "She'll be up to speed in a few days General."
That was a pretty quick assessment nurse, wanna maybe give a doctor a shot at that?
She hears the General Respond, "Thank you nurse."
The nurse turns, presses a button and the door closes. Cindy jumps off the bed and runs to the door.
Too little too late, now go drink the rape water science water rape water.
She yells, "You fucking cunt!" She gets zap again. "Oowww!" Cindy turns, and walks back to the bed to lie down. The grogginess slowly wears off.
Cindy then hears Cathy's thoughts in her mind, "Hey Cindy how many got away with you?"
“Hey Cathy how about you fuck off when I’m trying to sleep?”
Cindy exchanges her thought, "I think about 10 of us? How many have they caught? Cathy replies "Your the only one so far!"
Come to think of it, it’s been a couple of months since the escape; couldn’t they have had this conversation earlier?
Cindy then replies, "I wish you had come with me."
Cathy replies, "I was to scared to go with you!"
"It's okay Cat, but next time I'm not leaving without you sis!" Cindy then closes her eyes and falls sleep.
Insomnia, for when your characters are as bored of the story as you are.
Later that night Cindy is wakened by the screams of a young girl. She tries to ignore them, but can't. She closes her eyes and tries to concentrate on what was happening.
All events and no context makes Ray an angry critic
All events and no context makes Ray an angry critic
All events and no context mmakes Ray an angry critic
v All events and no context makes Ray an angry critic
All events and no context makes Ray an angry critic
She sees an image in her mind of a guard in one of the rooms. He is molesting a young 10-year-old girl.
Oh good, because if there was one thing this story was missing, it was pedopilia.
Problem = Solved
It was the same guard that tried to molest her. She thinks to herself, "Okay its time to teach him a lesson."
So it wasn’t enough when he tried to molest Cindy, but now that a second person is involved it’s go time? I’m starting to question the priorities of these characters that I’m probably supposed to like.
She begins to concentrate harder. The screaming stops as the guard backs off of the girl. He then freezes standing in place. the 10-year-old girl runs to the opposite side of the room. Cindy begins to probe his mind for his darkest fear!
She says out loud, "He's afraid of Lions!"
The guard still frozen, begin to thing that he's in the middle of the jungle naked.
He begins to hear roars in the background! He crouches to the ground hope not to be spotted by the Lion. He tremble's as the roars come closer and louder. A second later he hears sniffing from behind him. Then a small grunt.
Frozen with fear he pees on himself.
He hears more sniffing. The lion then takes a swipe at his leg, he screams! The lion slowly crawls over his leg and begin licking his ass. He screams again in fear.
“And pleasure. But mostly fear.”
The lion begins to circle him. He thinks to himself, "What does it want?" The lion takes another swipe at his back.
The man tries to crawl away, but the Loin stops him. He turns head to see behind him. Just as he turn the Lion crawls on his back to straddle him.
Just remember, it’s all in the guard’s head. Which is being controlled by Cindy’s head. Which is being controlled by Iotonka’s head. Which is hopefully where the chain of fuckery ends.
He tries to move but the Lion gives his neck a submissive bite.
Submissive, I do not think this word means what you think it means.
He Yells, "FUCK! No don't!" in fear.
Don’t you mean he mumbled?
He feels something hot and wet probe his ass. A second later the lion arches his back and thrusts his penis.
He felt the hot wet probe, then the completely separate lion penis. Well then what the fuck was the hot wet probe supposed to be?
The man begins sobbing in uncontrollable pain. Slowly the lion pushes in and out sinking his penis deeper and deeper.
Fun fact, lion penises have several sharp barbs that extend during sex. So if Cindy knows that, this is going to get very unpleasant for the guard.
The lion begins grunting with ever push and pull. The lion pumps harder as his semen enter the man ass.
Let’s see, so far this story is about a psychic who uses a lion to mind rape a guard who was molesting a child in a medical military prison. For a story with so much to work with, surprisingly little has happened.
A minute later the Lion pulls out and crawls off him. Thinking that the lion left he turns and looks back. As he turns the lion grabs his penis and scrotum
in his jaws and bites down. The Guard screams in pain as the Lion tears his genitals away! The guard passes out on the floor As Cindy slowly opens her eyes and breathes a sigh of relief.
About time that lion scene was over, it took up an oddly disproportionate amount of this story.
Cathy calls to Cindy mind, "Damn sis, you've been practicing haven't you?"
"Yeah, now you better get some sleep. We'll have some more fun in the morning. Good night!"
Can’t even get three asterisks in there, really? They’re not expensive, they won’t take up much space, and they look nice; I don’t see the problem.
Cindy is awakened by bell ringing in the hall. A voice over the P.A. sounds an alert, "Man down in room 2! Man down in room 2!"
“He appears to be suffering illusions of becoming a lion’s wife and settling down in a pleasant home on the plains of the Serengeti! On second thought, I wouldn’t say he’s suffering.”
Cindy jumps off the bed and runs to the door. She looks out the window and sees a medevac team go by her door. She hears strange voices but can't make them out. A few moments pass and the medevac team rushes by with the guard strapped to a gurney.
Then she hears the general say to the nurse as they walk by her door. "There goes another one."
Are those two just perpetually outside her door?
Cindy ducks down so not to be seen and giggles in delight.
Why doesn’t she want to be seen? She already made it clear she doesn’t like them, so if they saw her giggling at a guard being injured they probably wouldn’t think anything of it. The guard never saw her, so he can’t blame her for what happened. The nurse and the general already know she’s there, they saw her the other day. And as far as we know they’re part of the group that’s forcing her to stay there!
Cathy sends her another thought, "That fucking prick won't hurt you anymore!"
While you’re at it send Iotonka a few thoughts, he’s in desperate need of them.
Cindy replies in thought, "One down and many more to go!"
This story is unfinished…
Oh now you’re just trying.