Review #80

Halflife: Fulllife Consequences

Story by squirrelking

Review by Ray

Half-Life: Full-life Consequences

Well hold on, is it fulllife or full-life? Either way it’s a fantastically meaningless title, but at least give it some consistency.

John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer.

Gasp, that’s what I’m doing! This story is so relatable, I like it already.

He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went.

Wait a gosh diddly darn minute, he got this message in an email? So this isn’t urgent enough for a phone call, it’s just more along the lines of, “Hey, when you get the chance, lifeforms from another planet are trying to kill me. So, you know, if you could help out sometime that would be terrific.”

Squirrel King, I hate to say it, but I doubt the verisimilitude of your oxymoronically inconsequential narrative spotlighting an implanted parasite of a protagonist who in a contradictory duality endeavors to deliver the estate of his brother from malevolent extraterrestrials and malicious monstrosities alike yet deters from his thoroughfare at the most accessory hindrance.


John Freeman got his computer shut down

No riveting detail of his exit from the building shall be glanced over!

and wet on the platform to go up to the roof of the building

Oh, so he has a helicopter or a plane or something, that’s kinda neat.

where he left his motorcycle


and normal people close because he was in his office lab coat.

I nearly had an aneurysm reading that, so allow me to translate; he leaves his regular clothes there so he doesn’t draw attention to himself by wearing a lab coat. You know where a better place to keep those clothes might be? In the only place you wear the lab coat, the fucking lab!

John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said "its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences" so he had to go.

Sure, whatever that means, let’s just get the title drop done with and move on.

John Freeman ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed.

But he didn’t do it in a lab coat, so nobody noticed.

He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have weapon.

Do I have to smack a bitch upside the head with some sensibility? If you have a motorcycle on the roof, there’s no way you don’t have a weapon somewhere to accompany it.

The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing


and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.


the mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys".

This dialogue is stunningly realistic, yet powerful and captivating. I see now why this story is so renown.

John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast.

How is he late? That’s really Gordon’s fault for sending a fucking email.

A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.


"I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said


He pulled over. That or they’re having the conversation while driving. I honestly can’t decide which is worse.

"Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman.

"Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head


With the weapon he doesn’t have. He shot him. With the weapon he doesn’t have.

and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster.

John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound

As most motorcycles can do.

and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw "Ravenholm" with someons writing under it saying "u shudnt come here" so John Freeman almost turned around

No. Comment.

but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.

John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman. John Freeman smiled and walked fast.


Is he anywhere near his destination, or did he ditch his motorcycle just for the hell of it?

John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up

Why? It’s not like having no weapon has stopped him before.

and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house.

John Freeman said "Zombie goasts leave this place"


and the zombie goasts said "but this is our house" and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.

Clearly the only solution. Through the entire story these zombie fuckers have actually sounded a lot more reasonable than John.

Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster

Yeah, no, don’t run or anything, take your time.

to get where he was. Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.

When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss

Because that term just translates so well into narrative.

and Gordon said "John Freeman! Over here!" so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see.

Amazing how Gordon never thought to do that.

Gordon Freeman said "its time to end this ones and for all!" and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell.


Seriously, if the boss was that easy to take out, how did it not happen immediately?


John Freeman said "thanks i could help, bro" and Gordon Freeman said "you should come here earlier next time" and they laughed.

Ha, it’s funny because they’re both hopelessly incompetent.

The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled "LOOK OUT BRO!" and pointed up to the top of the sky. Gordon Freeman looked up and said "NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!" and John Freeman walked real fast out.

To these two, there’s no such thing as urgency.

“John Freeman, my brother whose complete name I must clarify whenever speaking to you, you should run away from the thing you pointed out to me while I stand here and look at it!”

“That’s a good idea, but instead of running like a rational person I will instead walk.”

John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss

Bu͏t̕ ̀h͞e̸ ̢al̸r̸e̡a͏d̸̕y ̕f̕o҉ù͞g̛h͢t̶͟͞ ́t͟͞h̸́e͞ ̡̧f̸̨i̵͢͠n͏͝a̡̨l b̷̡̢ơ̷͜͡ş҉̕ş̛͘̕͠ ̨̨́͘͠Ģ̸҉̢A̸̛͟͜͝A̧͘͞A̶͏̵͘Á̶̸̕͏A̕͏̸̵A̕͞H͏̶҉!͞͏

and he was mad and angry.

Gasp, that’s what I am! As much as I hate it, this story is still pretty damn relatable.

"I'll get you back evil boss!" John Freeman yelled at the top of lungs.

to be continued..?

Actually… yes. Yes it is. Here’s the sequel.

Half-Life: Full-life Consequences 2: What Has Tobe Done

Yeah Tobe, what the fuck did you do?

John Freeman walked like speed of light

Because fuck running and everything about it!

back to his motorcycl and left behind the bad place behind him.John Freeman had to ride his motorcycle really fast back to the office

But he refused to walk there, despite being able to do so at the speed of light.

but John Freemans gas ran out. John Freeman jumped fast off the motorcycle and landed on dead peoples hands.

Why so specific? Why the hands?

"Gordon Freeman is now these hands... i must kill the next boss and live up to full-life consequences!"


I don’t care how meaningless it is, it’s still full of win.

John Freeman said out loud.

John Freeman picked up a laser gun

What town did he run out of gas in and how do I get there?

and aimed it at trees to see if he could. John Freeman shot and tree fell down in front of him. John Freeman seen eggs fall out of the tree and he put them back home safe.


"These birds dont have to see Gordon Freeman yet. its not time." John Freeman said to him.

Wait, are those monster eggs?


John Freeman had to walked faster and was back at his office work and on a computer. He looked on the internet and found the next boss.

"I know his weakness now" John Freeman said.

You mean to tell me he found a strategy guide that tells him about his own world?


And after that he got emails from someone. John Freeman opened up the emails and read them.

"Dear John Freeman, how are you? I miss you at home come home safe and soon with Gordon Freeman for thanksgiving dinner. Love mom." John Freeman looked at it and got sad and yelled "I WILL KILL THE BOSS AND GORDON FREEMAN WILL BE HAPPY SOUL!"


then he turned on off the computer and wet on the platform again down to his other more faster motorcycle that had gas in it this time.

Because this is a sequel; things have to be more over the top despite having no reason to be more over the top.

John Freeman put the laser gun on his motorcycle and his machine gun and his rocket gun that he found on the side of the motorcycle.

He may be prepared for this mission, sure. But can he exit the building doing a flip? I think not.

He went through traffic and went fast like litning to back to Ravenholm and back to the bad place where Gordon Freeman was. John Freeman went off road and did backflips and landed on back wheels but kept going too.

Are… are there two John Freemans?

John Freeman went really fast again like before and was soon back again at Ravenholm but saw more zombie goasts. John Freeman said to them "Zombie goasts i have killed your friends at the old house and i dont want to shoot your heads. move near the countrysides and you will be friends of John Freeman." The zombie goasts said that "no we will kill you"


and walked fast to John Freemans motorcycle. John Freeman waited until they were in front of his motorcycle and backflipped off his bars and shot heads below and landed and walked fast to where the next boss was.

“Running? The hell you say!”

"you will be one of us!" yelled the dead zombie goasts. John Freeman laughed and shot a rocket at them.

John Freeman saw the next boss far down the road and walked slow this time. He walked really slow like a turtle and sat down on a rock


and watched the next boss near the dead last boss and where the place that Gordon Freeman was. The next boss was laughing at John Freeman so John Freeman said "YOU WILL NOT LAUGH AT ME!" and shot a rocket at him since that was his weakness.


The next boss died and John Freeman was happy. He walked over to the dead bosses and put them under the ground and planted pants on them so instead of messy dirt and dark there was pretty things there now to be happy.

If it were set up right, that might actually be some good symbolism. If it weren’t set up at all, like it wasn’t, it would be stupid.

John Freeman walked to where Gordon Freeman was lying dead

What? When dd that happen?

and crushed from the next bosss feet and looked down. A tear droped out of John Freemans eye and landed on Gordon Freeman.

"You are dead bro and i killed the evil boss." John Freeman told Gordon Freeman

Then John Freeman saw something bad. A headcrab was on Gordon Freeman!


Gordon Freeman standed up and said "John Freeman... you got here slow and now i am zombie goast. you will pay..."

to be continued...?

Actually… yes, again. But that’s a story for another day.