Review #8: 111Super-Saiyan-Sephiroths2008 Anthology

RESIDENT EMIRAL: THE FOOD NETWORK CHRONIFILES

Story by 111Super-Saiyan-Sephiroths2008

Review by Ray




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RESIDENT EMIRAL: THE FOOD NETWORK CHRONIFILES

Whether it was a mistake or not, chronifiles isn’t actually a bad word.

so this one time, something calsed the apokalips happened

And of course, the story goes from unique to shit in less than a single line. See how casually the apocalypse is mentioned? The end of humanity, and not one fuck given.

and a lot of everyones were zombies, which is bad cause theu smell really bad.

And there are absolutely no other problems when it comes to zombies.

then the zombies ate people, especially near the food network cause chefs are more delicious than anyone else in the entire everworld

Makes sense…

In food network there is this guy his name is Emeral Lagaze.

Huh, I wonder if he’s related to Emeril Lagasse.

he is a super chef and cooks things. he cooks tasty things and says stuff.

WARNING: FUCK GIVING IS AT AN ALL TIME LOW, ABANDONMENT OF HOPE RECOMMENDED.

my favorite show

The narrator’s favorite show? Well this has to be good.

was when he was makeing a thanks giving turkey and it looked so t asty,

I don’t watch the Food Network, but I have to think that happens pretty much, I don’t know, every year.

but he gave it to orphans so I guess that;s okay to.

Yeah, way to stick it to those orphans.

So emeral was like HAY EVERYONE. THERES SUM ZOMBIEZ HEREZ, but the emeral live band were being eated.

Still, it’s the thought that counts.

Emeral was sad, and vowed a vow so he could revenge his friends abd the food network.

HAY YOU ZOMBIES Emeral sad BAM! the zombies died cause Emeral has a speical power when he says bam that makes things explosive

 

and blow up and thats why he cooks really good to casue he says it on tv a lot.

So all it takes is an explosion or two to cook well? Deliciousness, here I come.

 

so the zombies were all dead and Rachal Ray was happy she was alive. sum other food neworkians were alive as well like Boby Flay and those guys from Iron Chef I forget but you can go look it up on wikipedia or something if you feel like it

Warning: The Fuck-o-Meter has regressed past zero. Repeat: The amount of fucks given is negative. The story, rather than giving fucks as it should, is blatantly taking them.

and there were some others but you dont know they're still alive yet.

Yeah, I have no idea…

 

(But you don’t know I lied yet)

For now food netwarks is saved, but there are sti l moar zombies that Emeral wikk have to kill to revenge his Emeral live band...

hay guys there will be more so keep reading wen i rite more kk? i luv you all, comment plz k thx! 3 3 3

Am I missing something with the threes? Also, how is it that the writing, while not great to begin with, plummets in the author’s note? It’s not just here either, it’s all over the world of bad writing. A more casual tone is understandable, but put some fucking effort onto it.

CHAPTIR 1: EMIRAL GETS CALLED FROM THE PRESIDANT

Because when I think of people the president would call at a time like this, Emeril is right at the top.

HaY EMARIL, Rachel yell really loud and obnoxioused THEIRS SOME PRESIDANTD MAN ON THE FOOD NETWOAK FONE FOR U!

THE PRESADANT?! Emiral felt shock and excitedments:

No, not the president, just some president.

he was getin a call from THE prasident of the americas!

He’ll be pretty disappointed when it’s a call from Mexico.

Emeral ran over to Rachal. Emirl grab the phone off her. Rachel listen very carefully to eMeral and the prasident. Emiral started to talking,.

HI PRESIDENT MAN!!1!one!!1

 

the narrator spelled one. The narrator spelled one. The narrator fucking spelled one. A deliberate effort was made towards laziness. Fucks were given to not give a fuck. That’s it, I’m taking over.

 

he said really loudly. he was loud and excite stil;l I CEE ALL THE ZONMBIES, WAT DO U WANT ME TO DO? Emeral and Rachel listened carefully on the fone to heer wat the presadent want.

After enthusiastically greeting the president, Emeril asked what the commander in chief would like him to do. He and Rachael listened intently for a response.

 A HELICOPTER? TOO A ILAND? LOL OF COURSE I CAN KIL YU SUM ZOMBIES ON A ILAND! I'LL JUST GO BAM AND THEY'LL BE DEAD Emeral knew he cud kill zombies cause he did it before one time when he said BAM and he saved the food network and a lot of their people thats how awesum he is and if you don't think so your dumbzorz and adopted roflmao

Emeril listened to his assignment, regurgitating a summary of his task like bullet points on the world’s shittiest powerpoint presentation. It was a simple mission, one he knew from past experience that he could handle; go to an island and kill some zombies. Anyone who didn’t think he was awesome enough to do it was not only a dumbass, but also adopted. Because as the narrator, it’s not just my job to tell the story, but also to explain my disdain towards orphans.

Emeral hanged up the fone. Rachel started talking shocked. OH MAH GAWD EMERAL, R U TAKIN A HELACOPTER TO FITE SOM ZOMBIES ON A ILAND

YA Emeral said prouded WANNA HELP ME FITE

KAY Rachel answered. Rachel was an okay fiter, becuz her show is okay and shes a girl but she gets beter latar. Rachel also new the iland ahd how to get thar and stuff. Racha; and Emeral talked more.

Emeril hung up, and Rachael began to talk, barely comprehensible through her clear state of shock. She asked if he was going to take a helicopter to an island so he could kill the zombies that infested it, and he confirmed that that was the task he’s been assigned. Emeril asked Rachael if she’d like to join him, and Rachael said she would. She was a decent fighter because of her show and gender, and her skills would only improve. She had never been to the island however. Regardless, Emeril and Rachael continued with their conversation.

PAK SUM OF YOUR IMPORTUNT GEER EMERIL Rachel adviced him like a mom IF YOU CAN'T BAM ANY MOR ZOMBIES, ULL NEED A BAK UP WEPON

O GOOD IDEA RACHEL Emiral compliments her nicely and takes a really big frying pan because all chefs have frying pans

WUT ABOUT UR NIFES? Rachel asked Emeral. Emeral has a big colecshoin of stek nifes. they're sharp and good for fiting. Emiral laughs a laugh that sounds amused.

WE DONT NEED NIFES TO KILL ZOMBIES he ecplain to Rachal IF THEY GET THAT CLOSE THEN UR GONNA GET EATEN! Rachel and Emiriil laughs some mores and they go to the roof of the food network tower. a guy in the helicopter who might be good or bad no on noes yet is wating for racHel and Emaril to bord the helicopter. The helicopter makes whoosh noises with its propalars and is loud and i've never seen a real helicoptar so i dunno if it really makses woosh noizez so this one does okay?

Rachael advised that Emeril bring backup gear, incase he lost the ability to use his magical bams. Emeril gratefully agreed, and packed a frying pan, because every chef everywhere uses a frying pan, no exceptions. As he was securing his cooking instrument, Rachael asked, “What about your nipples?”

        Her reasoning behind what would normally be a ridiculous question was Emeril’s impressive collection of steak nipples, which were sharp and good for fighting. Some might contend that she had really asked about his knives, but at a first glance I read nipples, and it’s my story now so deal with it. Emeril just laughed, and explained, “We don’t need nipples to kill the zombies, if they get that close then you’re gonna get eaten!”

        They both laughed, and proceeded to the roof of the Food Network tower. There, a man sat in a helicopter with a curly mustache and a mischievous grin, waiting for Emeril and Rachael to board. The propellers roared, except they might not have, but they probably did.

READY TP GO TO THE ILAND the guy who is also in the fbi and the cia and other secrety president things asked loudly. h e had to talk loud cauz the helacoptir was makin a lot of noize.

YA, WE'RE GONNA KILL SUM ZOMBIES ND HELP THE PRASEIDENT! Emiral exclaims loud. Its stil loud cuz of the helicopter

K, LETS FLY! said secret angent flyir man. Rachel amd Em,iral get in the plane helicpter and they fly to the iland. it is a big iland with lots of zombiez and a mantion full of maor zombies and stuff i cant tell you yet but it will be really awesum I swear just keep reading!

The pilot, who was apparently in every U.S. organization that sounded impressive, asked his passengers whether or not they were ready to go. He had to project his voice quite a bit to do so, because of the noise within the helicopter. Emeril replied by saying he was ready to kill zombies and help the president, also speaking loudly because of the volume that was still coming from the helicopter.

“Okay, let’s fly,” came the pilot’s response. The chefs boarded the helicopter that was also a plane for some reason, and the flew to the large island, which was complete with a mansion and a metric shitload of zombies. There was also something awesome, but don’t worry about it just yet.

TO THE MANTION! Emeral ad Rachal yell together. The helicopter alread yleft or they would be talking really louyd but they arent so its already gone. very slowly, rachel and Emril walk up the stars inside the mantion...

omg i kant wait to rite the rest of this! next chaptar will be up soon, I promise so keep reading k thx love ya 3 3 3 3

        “To the mansion!” Emeril and Rachael exclaimed pointlessly in unison, having departed from the helicopter. Cautiously, they proceeded up the stairs and into the mansion.

        Author’s Note: I can’t wat to write the rest of this. The next chapter will be up soon, so keep reading despite the fact that there’s nothing for you to read in the meantime.

        See, it’s not so difficult, you just have to pretend to give a fuck and learn how to grammar. Unfortunately, I’ve run out of fucks to give.

CHAPTR 2: WHY THE STORY IS CALLED RESIDENT EMARIL

I take back what I just said, it really helps if the writer does three things; gives fucks generously, learns their language of choice, and incorporates elements like subtlety.

THIS MANTION... Emeril sad queit like at Rachal IT'S KINDOF NOT LOUD LIK A MANTION SHOULD BE

“It’s almost like everyone died and became zombies.”

YOU MEN IT'S SILENTING? Rechal questined bakc, lyking at the sospishus paintings and status in the mantiton.

Why does the painting have to be suspicious? Is there really any need for suspicious paintings when potential plot threads like, I don’t know, zombies, are being thrown around left and right?

YEAH Emeral comfuzzled. ITS LIAK SOMEONE LIVES HER, BUT IT'S EVIL

That’s a very specific hypothesis.

EVIL? gasps Rachl suprisedlyful.

“Suprisedlyful?” mocked Ray, pissedulating.

YOU MEAN REDSIDENT EVIL? someone highpitched somewhere in the mantion.

 

Gasped Emeral and Rachel, they loked ready to fite.

WHAT DO U MEAN RESIDANT EBIL? Emiral yells angry.

Did someone say ebil?

 

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA girly laughed the voiceman. I MEAN THIS IS MT MANTION

Wait, now it’s a mountain? Well that was unexpected.

AND NOW YOU WIL HAVE TO FACE MY CREATTIOND! SO GET OUT OR DIES!

Considering they have no reason to be there in the first place, that shouldn’t be a hard choice.

there were some beeping nouses.

 

the nosies stoped.

 

some doors opened and zomnies came outside, arms waving in the air in hungry.

 

Don’t they look starved?

OH NOZ EMRAL, Rachel squeed cause shes the gurl and paniks more.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that ZM, teh gurl, wasn’t involved in writing this one.

WHAT DO WE DO NAO?!

LOOK emeral pointed loud. Rachel looked at the zombies.

 

They had red shirts on.

If they have red shirts, then why is killing them even a concern? They should go down about as easily as Warnuts’ mom.

on the red shirts was that thing on the comunist flag, the one that cuts grass and stuff and the other one that is something else that doesn't cut grass but I think it would still hurt if you hit yourself wif it.

Once again, I take back what I said about writing. Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to do it publicly until they can demonstrate that they can handle it.

WAT DOES THIS MEAN?!

I wish I knew.

Rachal defended while the zombies walk closer to t he chefs.

IT MEANS THEY COMUNISTS! Emeril angered.

Communist zombies, why not?

AND IF THERS ONE THING I DONT LIKE, ITS COMUNISTS! Emeral didn't lik comnists since they went to his resturnt and didn't really like his foods.

 

And Emeral is americans so he doesnt' like comunsints, just like the presidant.

GLORY TO AMERICAZ!! Emaril and Rachel fighted, hiting zombis in the face with their cookery and Emerals magic BAM powers.

OW Rachel hurted when a zombie hited her in the arm. HE HIT MAH ARM!

 

she got mad and kicked him down tha stairs.

The battle between the Comunsizt zombies and Emerail has only begun a few seconds ago. But more is hold in stor for Emeril nad Rachel as long as the squeaky voice guy livs in this mantion...

srry that took a whil guys, writrs blok is teh worst.

Well, from our perspective it’s more of a blessing.

anyway, i hope u keep readin it, thx if u are already, be nice, comment plz,

Well, I can’t do two of the three, considering there’s no more to read and have nothing nice to say. I did comment the hell out of it though, so you’re welcome.

luv ya bai! 3 3 3 3


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