Review #79

Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin

Story by TwilightRova

Review by Ray

Arc I Chapter 1

Super AN:

Well shit. Two words in and it’s already clear that we’re in the presence of true fanfictional beauty.


Understood; I shall continue reading this version.



=A Twitliht fanfikshin=


Okay, the spelling sucks, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.



A second author’s note immediately after the first one? Okay, now that’s painful.

This is a twilight fanfikshin written by me AND my bestest frind lol enjoy, it's kawaii!!!!


Two friends writing a kawaii fanfiction. This better not be what I think it is.

so hi my name is rebecca swansin and i




Well the super author’s note wasn’t lying, this story almost killed me. Luckily I was saved by the healing powers of fukitol.

am a cousin of bella swan but my friends (da collins) jsut caull me Moon becuz I am as petty as 1.

Okay, so she’s as pretty as a crater coated rock.

i am sebentene yrs olde and i am a straight A student


Not in English class you’re not.

at Fourks high (AN: HaHaHaH HIGHE)


scool in wayshingtone.

Huh, I always thought Forks was in Washington. But if she insists on Wayshingtone, let’s at least find out where that is.


Okay, Google doesn’t know. Fantastic.

i really like da rain and dat's why I caem to goa nd live there. i haev beyoutifull dark haire dat is in ponietailz dat stetchs to my baeck and peopull says that I look so beyoutifull becuz of it xsept for bella dat slut.


She shoved herself into the story as Bella’s cousin, even though she hate’s Bella. I just don’t get it.

so i got up dis mourning from my bead and wokee up to da beautifoul reign. I thoght dere might b a thunderstrom soon so I got decideded to get dressed in my usual scool cloesthes.

So wait, if it wasn’t going to storm she’d wear something else?

Then I put on a rainjacket that really completmentde my deep crimson eyes

An unusual eye color? Dammit Rova, don’t make me start a Sue counter.

and wenty downstiars and made a poptard for brekfest.

Fuck, I’m useless here; that’s already in joke form. She might as well have called the poptart MC Hammer, because I can’t touch this.

I stated to make da poptard by putting it in the microwave, because toasters r 4 morans.


What could toasters have possibly done to you Rova?

I ptu in 4 5m inutes

Holy damn, does she just enjoy eating molten lava for breakfast?

and then left to take a shit in da bathromo.

That’s a good place to take a shit and all, but did you really need to clarify?

Onlee whne I got dere bella wus usin da shittor and the stupid bitch wouldnt let me in

Weird, it’s almost like the world doesn’t bend to your needs or something.

so i pouteded and decid eto scarm at her "Bella u stupid fucking bitch gtfo da btahroom already!!!!" "No u fuckor"

Good talk.

bellla shoutede at my. "gtfo o ill get chadley over here bella" i screemd but den she jus tresponed "so wat i h8 that basturd". Fuerius


i just decidedd 2 leave da hose for da mornin an go 2 scool.

Wait, so she didn’t need to take a shit anyways?


Also, what ever happened to her poptard?

I wint otside and kickeded bella's fuking uglee truock becuzs i am a enviyourmeantalist and h8 pollushin!!!1 Onlee i hurt mye fut and den i shooted "OWWWWWW" and curesd dat stupid cunt bella.

Yup, she’s the stupid cunt for owning a truck. It couldn’t possibly be both of you.

den i saw Jakub frum accrross da street and wavded to him. but i realllyy dunt liek jakub evor sinse i found out dat he wus a furry.


First of all, what? When was that ever mentioned before? Second, why would it matter if he was? Yes, furries have written some awful, awful stories that we had to review, but they’re hardly the worst offenders.

Fcuking fourries!!!!! but bella doeznt no dat jakub is a wearwolv


Furries ≠ Werewolves, m’kay? Although they do look pretty similar…



but i do sinse jakub tolld me. so den i got into my poursh

Which, depending on the models, has about the same fuel efficiency and a truck.

and drrove it 2 scool and i got dere 8 fifteen witch is gud becuz scool doeznt strat until nine thirtee.

When Shakespeare said, “Better three hours too soon than one minute too late,” this isn’t what he was talking about. It’s high school, you don’t have to be that early.

so at scool i finnalee sawd edowerd he wuz sitting on top of hiz porsh withe hsi shitr offf and da sun luked so grate on him.

So he’s a vampire basking in the sun. Twilight fanfiction, bringing bad to a whole new level of bad.

inside i blushd an giggled a L O T. den next 2 him wuz rossey amd bennet and accross frum dose 2 sitting on an Ahdi (iz dat how u spell dat 1 car taipe)

Maybe? Don’t ask me, ask Google.

were caspor and alicia. all of dese peepel were da collins who were da kidz of a supa hawt tirty year olde man name Karlyse nd his wife (aslo a MEGA FCUKING BITCCHHH!!!!!)



dey wavd. i wavd back.


AN: peopull stey tund 2 see moar fo da fikshin i cent w8 2 rite moar TY

Yeah, if you could stop texting us the story, that would be great.

Arc I Chapter 2

=A Twitliht fanfikshin=

AN: so dis maeks TOOOOO chapturs

There’s using the wrong two, and then there’s just rubbing it in.

of dis fanfikshin i hop i sune get reviws!!!!


da sun was rally baeting douwn on my byoutifull eyez

Is anyone really surprised that she’s staring at the sun?

and i qicklee toke out my mirrore & cheked mysolf. i had a lot uv sweet on my heart shapd cheina nd my wiede 4hed w/ a widoe's peek was sweeting alot.


i had pail scin just like edowurd and lips wur 2 fully 4 a jowline.

We get it, you’re beautiful and gothic, please move along.

enywas i qicklee hopppeded ovar 2 were edowurd an caspor wer.

Es ist wie eine ganz andere Sprache.

i statred 2 spak wiht dem.

Eine ganz andere Sprache.

"hiya edowurd"

"hiya rebeacca"

But her friends, the Cullens specifically, call her Moon. This Edward is an imposter!

"how r u doing 2day edowurd" i askedd

"itz a good ting we r inside is all i will sey"

"y is dat"

"becuz it iz sooo sunny 2day"

“Consistency? What’s that?”

"oh Ok" i stated as i wakled awaye frum da two boyz. (actuly i am shure caspor iz a transexal

Well it might not be canon, but that’s very nice of Rova to include—

da sick fucker


becuz he is alwayz doin femininine stuff wit alicia like shpopinga and treyng out cloaths).

Yeah, clothes are for women!

so den i went 2 my biolology class were Mister chocolove (i can remeembr his naem srry) wus teching biolology.

Biolology is a sensible thing to teach in biolology class, so way to go Chocolove. If that is your real name.

Biololgy is my favorit class becuz dere r lots of expearimints in it. edoward and i sat next 2 each othre as we toke hour seats in the clasroom.

bella came an den sat 2 da left of us. bella da stoopid biotch was soooo stupit.


You just misspelled stupid twice, your argument is invalid.

she trippedd while in her chare


and becuz of dat i lahffed and edowerd did 2. bella scramd at us "shut up u fukin bitchez i fukin h8 all of u" and den she sat bcak down. Alicia went 2 bella and pated her on da baeck

"dere dere" Alicia massagd bella. "itz all ok" i den stuck my midle fingor up at da two becuz i fukin h8 dem all.

Mr. Chocolove, make Moon shut up.

"Mr. Chocolove maek rebeacca shut up" bella whinied.

"wat did she do to ya'll?" he asked

"rebecca stuc her middel fingor up at me" cryied bella

"Wat a fatass" i wispurred 2 edowurd. he lokked at nme alll dreemyly and i bluoshed agian and giggled.

"Ok so 2day we r all doin a suprize exporimint-

Surprise experimenting? I’m listening.

we r gunna see whoz human 2day" sed Mistor Chocoluv.

Something something school system joke.

"Everee1 take a blood testt an den submit da samplez 2 me an den go"

Wait, so the students aren’t even doing the experiment? I’m starting to doubt that this is really in the name of education.

jsut as mistor chokolove finisheded dat statment Alicia ran from da classrume, which made bella crie becuz nobody fukin lkies that horing slut. i loked over 2 edowerd an he hadd a vcery very wouried look over his faece.


AN: so im relaly liking maekinjg dis story i have seven storee arcs of ideaz availble

She’s not lying, the most recent instalment is arc IV chapter 35.

i hope u all review da story an den u all can give my criticism so dat i can maek da story better

Admitting that her writing might not be perfect?


and get moer reviows yay

Arc I Chapter 3

=Chaptear 3: da fliught of edoweird=


Well your instinks smell repulsive.

i loked up at edoweird and he has a grimm loook on hiz faece. i silently preyed 2 my god (judah) and hopped dat edowird colud exsempt from da humen test. his beutifull red eyez


shot towardz me and den i instatly understud wat edowrd meant. he wnted me 2 taek da test 4 him.

She can do that?

i also shoot a glaence at him and den tuk da needul frum him. i stuck it in me, beering thru da pein by thinkng of

Edward, love, bla bla bla we get it.

bella and how much i h8 dat biotch.

Oh. Well I guess that also works.

edoword stated 2 get off on da smell of bloood but his fendship with me ekpt him frum biteng me.

As for the rest of the class…

"owwww" da entere class went

"yummi" edowrod screamd tinking fo all da blud

“Subtle,” said absolutely no one.

"edoward you fucker" i screemd!!! he wuz bein such a bitch i wuz taeking da test 4 him yet he kept wineing liek a b1tchee bithc.

"scroo u rebeka" he skreachd at me an den got up and PUNSHED BELLA IN DA FAECE az he rann owt of da room.


"Stop mothafugga!!!!" scream Mr. Chocolove az he tred 2 graab edowardz wrist but he wuz suc ha fuggkin wymp dat he culdnt hold unto edowird. but edoward smacked mr. chokoluv and chokoluv's afro feel of.

"OOOOMMMMFFFGGG" want da entyre class.

I somehow doubt the entire class said the exact same thing. The human test on the other hand, totally plausible.

hu nu dat chocoluv wuz reelly BALED!?!?! mr choklove ran frum da rooom an den de entyre clas got up an stateted 2 leav. i decideed 2 go 2 lunche were i wuld meat up with da rest of da collins 4 lunch.

so den i got to lunch an da lunch lady

Apparently lunch is the word of the day.

gave me a fuckin styrofoam tray so i smaked da biotch 4 being an antee eviomental terrorist!

Be that as it may, it’s no excuse to slap a bitch.

den i got a apull and came.


there i wuz sittin 2 da left off caspor an alicia. i wuz also sitting 2 da right off rossey and gennet.

"hi guyz" i takled

"hi moon" every1 repled.

"were iz edowerd?" i qestined. evoree1 loked arund at eech otha but noone new were edoweird wuz.

"moon i dunt tink dat any1 nows were edowird iz


Repeat yourself much?

aftor he ran awae during biolology" answord clemmet. i noded towerds bennet 4 answoring da qeshtin. den i loked ovar 2 were bella wuz sittin an saw dat she was sitting alone. dat wuz becuz all fo bellas fiends had deaded durin da summor by a vanpier nameded angela hu waz wunce 1 of bellas fiends.


i laghed soooo haerd wen i foundd owt abot it. but baeck to da poiwnt we all didunt no were edowerd wuz WERE CULD HE B!?!!?

C, this is Y I H8 replacing a word with a letter, it’s just an I sore.

Arc I Chapter 4

chaptor 4: da drug deelor


No problem, always happy to help.


aftre luche i wented 2 da next class i had 2 see if edoword wuld b dere. i had engrish clas were i wuld hav 2 go and studi engrish.

Yes, yes you do.

we were reeding V 4 venessa.

Hm, I wonder if they also read V for Vendetta.

itz all abut a masekd purson hu goz arund killin peepul hu r in a contemplashin camp. da peepul hu r in da camp r eethur homo or blac liek mr chocolove or antee govormentil jerkz or illigull mexikanz.

I don’t know a single thing about that book, but this feels like a pretty safe bet.


i reaally dont liek illigull mexikanz all da way up noerth in fourks becuz dey r illigull and shuldnt b coeming here.

Disliking something because it’s illegal is among the worst reasons you could have for disliking something; it demonstrates a complete lack of conscious thought and promotes even more laws we don’t need.


I’m not an anarchist and I don’t have any strong feelings on immigration, yet she still managed to piss me off with that simple statement. Be careful with because, it’s a powerful word.

enywayz V iz dis soshiopath hu edweird eyedentifiez wit hbecuz edowird haz aslo killeed peepul in da paste.

Until he became a bitch and slapped the vampire mythos in the skull.

den edowred came. he sat down neckst 2 me an den he lookd at me

"sorree 4 wat i sed erlyer" aplogised edoward

"dats ok i wuz misssin u enewayz" i repliered

"ok den letz promiss 2 nevar fioght agauin" sed edoweird

Yeah, let me know how that works out.

an den i instately new day edowrad wuld lov me 4 ever. we loked arund da clasrum. there i wuz sittin 2 da rigjt off caspor . i wuz also sitting 2 da left off rossey and jemmet.

Is this going to be a riddle?

alicia wuznt dere tho so i deciededd 2 aske caspor were she wuz.

"Caspor were is alicia" i asekd


Repeat yourself much?

"she is doin a drug deel 4 da $$$" answored casper.

"wait wat shez a drugee!?!?!?!!??!" I SCRAMED LUODLEY

Fine, Moon can scream all she wants in a room full of people, but that’s no excuse for the narrator to shout.

"no no she just sellz da dipe 2 pepul hu wanna by tha shiut" clamed caspor. i wuz instately assoured. alicia wuz a dealor but she wuznt an addicet so evereeting wuz ok.


sudenly alicia came an den sate down next 2 me. i notced dat she hade a G U N on her an i wuz sooooooo scraed 4 a seknd dere. den i relized dat she probely jsut uzed da gun 2 protecte herserlf in drugg dealz.

Are we just going to ignore the fact that she’s brandishing a firearm in school? Yeah? Okay, I’ll shut up.

i onedurd if she had e ver shout sumbuddy wit it.

"hay alicia"

"ya moon"

"haev u ever shot sumbody wit dat gun u hav dere"


Repeat yourself much?

"yes i have menny tims" alicia reportd

"r u gunna shot me wit it" i pleeded worridly

"no no of coarse not u silly dunce" screamd alicia, waving da fuckin ggun arownd.

Don’t do that Alicia, it’s a bad idea to make promises you can’t keep.

casper got up frum his chare an den he grabed da gun frum alicias hend.

"alicia no stp u cant go down dis path in lyfe" caper pleeded. i pushd edowerid and i undor da desk frum hour chares and tryd 2 escaepe. alicai stated 2 shoot da gun at da windowz an studentz.

Is anyone else getting the impression that the gun might not be strictly for self defense?

mike newtun got hittd wit a bullett an den he fell frum his chare dieng. alicias aslo shot bella hu wuz crying ova mikes dead boddy.

Do they all have the same schedule?

bella fell 2.

"we hav 2 stop her!!!!!!!" i proteested 2 edowererd.

"ok i hav a plan litsen" sed edowerd

Typically plans are what you come up with before you’re being shot at.

Arc I Chapter 5

Chapter 5 - resolution 2 da gun

laest timne on da kronicals of rebecka swansen:

Oh dear gods no…

"alicia no stp u cant go down dis path in lyfe" caper pleeded.


Repeat yourself much?

i pushd edowerid and i undor da desk frum hour chares and tryd 2 escaepe.


Repeat yourself much?

alicai stated 2 shoot da gun at da windowz an studentz.


Repeat yourself much?

mike newtun got hittd wit a bullett an den he fell frum his chare dieng.


Repeat yourself much?

alicias aslo shot bella hu wuz crying ova mikes dead boddy.


Repeat yourself much?

bella fell 2.


now 4 da resolushin:

edoweird jumpped ovar 2 were alicia wuz and smaked da bitch.


That was the plan. He had to wrack his brain to come up with it, announce the fact that he had done so, and then execute this flawless maneuver.

den da teachor wakled in and he wuz so confewzed az 2 wat wuz goign on. alicia sow dat mr. cleerwater hade walked into da clasrum and alicia shot edowerd an den aymed da gunn at mr clearwatre.

"no alicia dunt go down dis pathe it will onlee cawze u moer sorroe and payne" i screemed.

Hasn’t she been on the path for a while already? She’s shot people, and I quote, “menny tims.” Not to mention the three people she’s shot in this scene alone.

"if u shoot mr cleerwatre naow den u will b stukc in a cycol of reveeng!!!!!!!!" i also screemed. i wuz bery very very concerednd abut da sitatshin. den alicia, da gurl wit da very brouwn haire

And the gun, just a minor detail I thought I’d remind everyone of. But please, continue describing her appearance.

toook her gunn and pointted it at da dieing bella an her dieing friend

“Who had just recently come back to life after being killed by a vampire over the summer.”

who had a lot of blud on da grund.

"illl fukcing kill u all u god dam mothre fuckorz!!!!!!!!!" scraemd alicis hu den shoted bella forteene timez in da neck. Edowird den jumpd behinde alica and slit her wristz wit his fingornaelz. alicia wuz in payne an dropepd da gun an den edawurd stabed alicia in da spiine wit a pensill 1












tiems untli alicia drupped 2 da grund lipm. (butt it wuld b ok becuz alicia iz a vampiore and she wuld heel).

(Only it’s not okay because this story exists in a world without consequences)

den edowerd gaev da gun 2 mr cleerwater who tahnked him "thakn u" he thakned.

den i went 2 go an c if bella or myk were alyve. i rally hopped dat da biotch bella wuld b ded an dat myke wuz ded 2 sinz i h8 da 2 fockerz. den da pearamediks came and tuk bella 2 da hospitel but myke wuz ded he had bene shooted waaaaay 2 meny tims. i wish dat bella had ded 2 but it wuz ok. so den i went ovar an saw dat cassie wuz also shot wich wuz sad 2 me becuz cassy iz a olde fiend fo minee. den da polise were dere an den dey handcofed alicia an tuk her 2 prizun 4 brining a gun 2 scool an den sellin drugs 2 otha studeent an den shooting da otha studentz.

Fuck it, I agree with at least one of those reasons, so good enough.

i weant 2 da batherum 2 du my maykup

Her vanity levels, they’re off the charts!

becuz i hade cryed becuz bella didnt dye. my yerlllowe and blaeck mascare-a had bene all moysturized

"WWHAT DA FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK R U DONI U FOCKIN MOHTAFUCKORES!?!" screemed sum1. me an edowird ran out of da stall naeked


an den we saw angella da vapmiore.

"oh no" i sed…

Will we ever learn the results of the human test? Will this story keep repeating itself? Will Bella recover from her wounds? Will this story keep repeating itself? Find out in the next instalment of the Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin!