Review #78

Legolas

Story by Laura

Review by Ray




Legolas was riding along the woods and one day he found a baby whaped in colth

Everybody take a moment to say whaped in baby talk.

so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said"who left you here little one"

Is he honestly expecting an articulate response from the baby?

and then the baby just cryed

Oh look, reasonability. That’s kind of rare in these stories.

and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas said"your name is going be Laura"

I know what you’re thinking Legolas, but put the baby down, get back on your horse, and ride away. This good deed isn’t worth it.

and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he lived.

Fine Legolas, be the good guy.

 

Legolas said"father mother I found this little baby in the woods and then Legolas mother got up and walked down and said"

 

Seriously, how fucking difficult is it to use quotation marks? If you can’t at least figure out the basic placement of them, then your characters just shouldn’t be allowed to speak.

how can people put baby in the woodsand to die".

They put baby out in woodsand to die because they had a premonition of the monumental Mary Sue she would become.

Then Legolas father said"we are going to keep her"and then Legolas was happy for someriseing.

That’s not a word. It’s almost a word, it’s very close to being a word, it meets a good chunk of the criteria for becoming a word, but it is not a word. You know what it’s supposed to be? Some reason. Someriseing doesn’t look much like some reason, but there’s a crack squad of literary scientists working around the clock to decipher that one word, and some reason is the best they’ve got.

 

Is it even worth translating? Some reason is about the most useless thing to put in that spot. Laura could’ve just left it at, “Legolas was happy.” It would’ve covered everything we need to know, and not wasted the effort of reading nonsense words.

10 Years Later

Good, the more years between someriseing and us, the better.

Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".

“Danube to the Laura, danube to the moring!”

Then Legolas said"whats a matter"

You’re a matter, we’re all a matter.

and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses

I swear to fuck, if you describe any clothing, I will say something very unpleasant.

and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"

And I didn’t know Strider was a psychic who can learn arbitrary things about people out of fucking nowhere. Also, I don’t know who Strider is.

and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.

The narrator says that like the princess and Legolas are in some way related and godfuckit it’s Laura isn’t it?

Then the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".

Mean while Legolas and Laura was horseriding and then Laura said"Legolas whos that"and then Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and Strider.Legolas said"that is Gandalf and Strdier"and then Strider said"Legolas"and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen" and then Strider said"hows you"and then Legolas said"I am fine"and then Gandalf said"whos this then"and then Legolas said"meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby".Laura was shy at first and then Legolas said"Laura come and meet Strider and Gandalf"and then Laura said"hello I am Laura".

 

This is the most basic form of dialogue possible, it looks like a computer wrote it.

Laura.requestName(Legolas);

Strider.runGreeting(Legolas);

Legolas.runGreeting(Strider);

Strider.requestStatus(Legolas);

Gandalf.requestName(Legolas);

LauraShyness = 7;

LauraSueness++;

Legolas.invitation(Laura);

LauraShyness = 0;

LauraSueness++;

if (LauraSueness >= 9000)

        fanfiction.publish(internet);

Legolas said"she is the princess"

Wait, she’s already the princess? Since she lives in the castle, she’s just been added to the bloodline? The fuck?

and then Strider said"she is so cute"and then Legolas said"that will be my falut"

 

and then Gandalf said"why"

Yeah! Fuckin’ why‽

and then Laura said"he protects me thats why"

Oh, and that makes her cute because—

 

No hold on, it’s because—

 

Wait, maybe the reason is—

 

Nope, I can’t do it, it’s impossible. Making any connection between those statements causes a violent cranial rupture. The only mildly, mildly acceptable explanation is that—

 

and then Legolas looked up and said"I think we should go back to the castle"and then Laura said"I can feel it too".

Fantastic, magical plot detection is just what we needed in order to avoid a scene that might require good writing.

Legolas said"do you want to stay for a night"and then Gandalf and Strider said"yes please"and then they had tea and went to bed.During the night Legolas ask the gards to keep an eye on Laura's room.

Shouldn’t the guards already sort of do that? Keeping an eye on things is at least half of their job description. The other half is doing something about what they see, and Legolas didn’t even tell them to do that part.

Mean while the Orcs climed up the window and grabed Laura

But the guards kept an eye on the kidnapping, and that’s what matters.

and then Laura woke up and screamed and then the gard went into her room and saw lots of Orcs and then Legolas ran down the hall.Then Legolas said"where is Laura"and then the gards said"the Orcs took her".

“Laura is gone, but it’s okay sir; we kept an eye on her room and it’s still looking fabulous.”

Mean while the Orcs was back at Mondor and then Laura said"put me down"and then the Orcs did

 

and then the Dark lord came out of the fire and said"welcome Laura"and then Laura looked at him and said"no it can't be"and then she tryed to run away but the Orcs got her.Then the Dark lord said"put her into the cell and bet her and also do what ever you want with her but do not kill her".

“Do whatever you want, but do this and don’t do this.”

Then the Orcs took her to the cell and trow her into the cell and then they shut the door.Laura go up and went to the window and looked out and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save her.

So how long before they set out to save her?

Mean while back at the castle of Milkwood Legolas was getting the army ready to go and save Laura.

So how long before this becomes a good story?

Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains and then one of the Orcs striped her and then he raped her

I said a good story, not a plot point dedicated to scoring the Mary Sue some sympathy points.

and then Laura said"go away you bastard".Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion

Just. A fucking. Tube. Of. Poison. A tube, of fucking poison.

 

and then he injeted into Laura.

Few hours later

Legolas and the others was on the way to Mondor to save princess Laura.Mean while in the cell where Laura was been kept Laura woke up and she looked on her body there was blood and scars she only could move her right arm but not her left.Then Laura said"I feel so cold"and then she can't see very well.

Don’t any of you feel bad for her, she brought this on herself. Instead of writing a setup where regular conflict could occur, she wrote a setup where only deus ex orc rape could save the starving plot.

At the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others

They simply walked into Mordor.

 

and then they said"let Laura go"and then the Dark lord said"no"and then Legolas said"right lisson I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura and you and the others will find another way in.

Wait, I thought Legolas was making a threat to the dark lord, but he’s literally describing the plan to his party. Right in front of the dark lord.

Then Strider said"alright" and then Legolas started to clim up.

Of course, the dark lord isn’t even stopping them, why would he. Oh look, I found a gif of Laura writing this story.

 

Mean while Strider and the others ran into Mondor and went into the castle.Gandalf said"I'll will go and kill the Dark lord and you and the others go and help Legolas".Strdier said"becareful"and then Gandalf said"I will don't you worry about me".

Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura is.

 

I don’t know much about Mordor, but I have a hunch this takes place at that tower. That’s a big fucking tower. What are the odds that he just happened to find the right room, let alone floor?

Legolas said"Laura are you in there"and then Laura said"Oh Legolas you finally came"and then Legolas said"are you alright"and then Laura said"no I am not alright"and then Legolas said"they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion"and then Laura said"how did you know that".Then Legolas said"when I was your age they did the samething to me".Then Laura said"can you get me out of here"and then Legolas said"ok stand back"and then he ran back and ran towards the door and knock it down.

Martin, Fluff, get over here.

What? What’s happening?

The three of us are going on a magical quest to throw this story into a fucking volcano.

Can we fly there?

No, it only counts if most of us die.

Can I come?

Shoo! You have My Inner Life to finish!

 

Alright, fine, let’s just get this over with.

Well that couldn’t have gone worse.

Give me back my precious!

Laura said"wow"

Laura said, “I have nothing to add but still need to have my presence mentioned.”

and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars also she was naked"

I didn’t mention it earlier because other forms of stupid were happening, but if she has scars then those happened long before she was kidnapped by orcs. Scars take longer than a few hours to form. Unless they’re mental scars, in which case they can form in a single bad fanfiction.

and then Legolas said"why they did it to you not me"

 

They did do it to you, you just said that!

and then the Orcs came and said"because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys".

These orcs are so nice, handing out exposition like that.

Then the fright began

Legolas got out his bow and arrows andstarted fireing at them.Then Legolas saw some swords and said"Strider is that you"and then Strider said"yes it is"and then Legolas and the others started to kill the Orcs.

So nobody’s going to look into the Mary Sue power thing? Could be useful for this exact situation, just sayin’.

Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark lord.Gandalf said"I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here"

Such a specific list of people.

and then a sword came out of nowhere and said"some wished us here"

 

It’s better than in My Immortal when characters would show up for no reason at all. This is a shitty reason, but at least there was some effort to explain it.

and then Gandalf turned and said"Frodo baggins why you doing here".Then Frodo said"we came to help you and also we got rid of the ring"and then the Dark Lord said"oh no"and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord.

I refuse to believe that all conflict has been resolved. Surely there’s something the Mary Sue uses her powers to accomplish, no matter how trivial or stupid.

Mean while Legolas and Strider and the others was helping Laura down and Strider took off his cape and put it around Laura.

Strike that, she needs at least four people to help her walk down a set of stairs.

FEW HOURS LATER

Legolas and the others are on the way back to the castle.Legolas said"we must go to Rivendell to get Laura better".Then Gandalf said"I think you are right"and then they turned around and went to Rivendell.Legolas looked down on Laura and put his hand onto Laura's head and she was bruning up.Strider went aside of Legolas horse and looked and said"she is getting wose"and then Legolas said"I know".

“Gee, if only we knew somebody with access to giant eagles, hint hint.”

FEW HOURS LATER

They were at Rivendell and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday

We cut to a few hours later, solely to transition through a few days.

 

intill she wakes up and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said"yes I am".Legolas said"I am soo happy"and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend"

“Do you want to be my boyfriend, even though I can’t be more than twelve, you’re significantly older, we were raised as siblings, and I was just raped by orcs?”

and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend"

“Yes, I will be your boyfriend, because this relationship could in no way go wrong.”

and then Laura and Legolas kissed again.Laura said"what happened to me Legolas"and then Legolas said"you got kidnaped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark lord gave you some posion"and then Laura said"why I can only move on arm"

A great question considering you moved both just a few seconds ago.

and then Legolas said"your left arm is broken".

Doctor Martin, diagnosis!

Too far away to give a fuck, but it’s probably bullshit!

Good work.

Then the door opened and it was Strider and then Laura said"Hello Strider"and then Strider said"I see you are awake"and then Laura

Oh. Oh no.

 

That’s where it ends‽ You write one of the most infamous Mary Sues and that’s where it ends‽ BAD! BAD LAURA! MY IMMORTAL ENDED OUT OF NOWHERE, BUT AT LEAST IT HAD WIZARDS AND SHIT! YOU HAVE NOTHING!

NOTHING!