Here we look at the first five chapters of a story that has nothing to do with the Blues Brothers despite the title. The story is actually thirty five chapters long, and there's a short sequel, but the first five chapters are more than enough to demonstrate why this story belongs here.
Chapter 1, Misson Form God
Notes: Hi my name is Sara (not Palin unfortanetly) and im a 13 yearold girl who loves America and God and the Constantution
Sarah, you have a lot to learn, and fortunately I’m just the bitter prick to teach it to you. Let’s see just what we’re dealing with.
so i librul soshalist who likes barrack obama than LEAVE NAO and go back too getting wefare for noting and trying to turn every1 into gay athists
Well fuck. All aboard the misinformation train, we’re leaving the station and we ain’t comin’ back until this review is over.
also I lik video games like supper smash bras and otters even thou im a gril
That’s alright Sarah, grils can like otters just as much as byos.
(my mom sad id turn a les if I play video game but I put pics of jaykob from twilit and juston beber in my room so idont).
If your sexuality is that dependent on your surroundings, you should consider playing the fuck it card and calling yourself pansexual.
CHAP 1: MISSON FORM GOD
I was in my seance class
This better not be another fucking Hogwarts fanfic.
one dat when my librul teacher mr jonson was talkin about evilusion.
Oh, science class. Well good, maybe Sarah can learn a thing or two here.
"an tat is why humins came form monkees and their is no god" he said.
I razed my han.d
"yes Sara" he said.
"if humin came from monkees why r their still monks"
It’s quite simple. Normally I would say that humans and monkeys share a common ancestor, but in this case, I’ll say that your misguided view of evolution has no effect on the presence of those who withdraw from society and devote themselves to prayer.
my teacher had no anser for that
He probably did, he was just too busy losing faith in humanity to say the answer out loud.
so he give me a ditention and an f on my test.
Good call Jonson; science isn’t about asking questions, it’s about punishing those who want information.
"hahaha!" he sad "you Christens wil be defeet on day! athests alreedy rule dis cuntry becuz of obama car and son all Christens will goto deaf panells!"
I remember when my science teacher made the same exact speech. Afterwards he was no longer my science teacher.
just then the door toteh science room opened and God walked in.
Guess what Jonson.
he was waring a rob and had a bread like he allways does.
Of course he always has his bread, how’s he supposed to go anywhere without his body?
"mr jonson ur gong too HELL!"
"no cuz u arnt reel" mr jonson said.
Really Jonson? You could argue that it isn’t really God, but whoever just walked into the room clearly exists.
"lol ur a moran" God said
and he stroked mr jonson with lighting
and mr jonson ded.
"yay!" said all the Christens in the class.
"boo!" said the Heatrans so God stroked all them to.
And all the Heatrans say!
That’s for changing the page, and welcome to the review.
"ok now I nead too talk too Sara God said. "so everbuddy else leave."
"ok" my classmates left the room.
It was that easy? I mean, if I saw God I’d at least ask for his autograph.
Hmmm, who’s your father Sara?
Could it be the prince of darkness?
ive bean watching u for sum time," he sad, "this world isnt the only on I mad."
"for real" I ask.
“Fo’ real though, you shittin’ me G?” she casually said to God.
"yea do u no about video games."
"yea I play them with my bro and Lauren" (my bro is my brother
and Lauren is my BFF forever and shes a PCC (Pretty Consertative Christen)
Tiardttacyangtrutaayagtsotlbananavaitumstiyhjsioitfp (That is a really dumb thing to abbreviate considering you are not going to regularly use the abbreviation and you are going to spell out the long version anyways, ironically taking up more space than if you had just said it outright in the first place.)
like me to)
"well they are real because when u play the nother unevirse I made"
"cool God" I hi fived God.
Fuck it, that would be pretty cool.
"ok but theres treble. Satan found out about this and now hes in Nentendo World.
You’re a little behind God, Satan has been in quite a few games and for quite a long time.
Only u can stop him b4 he dose evil stuff their."
Yes, because nothing evil can ever happen in a video game, that might actually make it interesting.
Conflict? KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
"right this is the hardest thing u ever done
Even harder than her math test last month?
even harder than ur math test last month.
Even harder than her math test last month.
God thing i'm God and I can give u cool powers and stuff."
Here’s another idea God; what if you stop being an asshole and solve the problem yourself with your apparently infinite power?
Now that wouldn’t be any fun.
So God gave me some power and I fell to sleep.
Of course, the power of insomnia! Because it’s just so useful!
When I woke up I was outside of the Smosh Manshon!
Chapter 2, Sara Meats Charecters
Notes: First of all whats a troll?
I men I think I fot sum in a game b4 but there not in my story so why did you mention them in the revew. And whats a mary sue?
Your character, probably.
And my mom and dad sad that I need to spred the truth of God's word on the intranet and speak out aganst the soshalists destroying America.
Also I didnt updaty yesterday becuz my family thought that their woud be the raptor.
Lauren said their woudnt and she was rite so I gess that provs who smart she is.
CHAP 2: SARA MEATS CHARECTERS
the smash mantian was a really big hose
Wow, that’s about the shittiest design for a mansion I’ve ever heard of. And even if she did say house instead of hose, what would be the point? That’s already the definition of a mansion.
with like a gatrillion
romos an was alota stories tall I was inteminated by who big it was. Suddenly someon came.
And suddenly I realized I laugh just about every time one of these writers says that.
It was like a robot except a person was in it.
"hai their pretty gurl" the robot person said.
"u think im pretty" I saod.
I think this is lazy dialogue.
"yea ur the hotist gurl ive ever sean."
I thought it was Mister Chef from Hallo but it wasnt but I didnt no that so I cloded my eyes an mad out with robot person but when I open them its not Mastre Cheef but SAMAS ERIN!
So hold on. You closed your eyes the entire time the helmet was coming off? And since you thought it was master chief, shouldn’t you have expected a second helmet?
And does their power armor really look that similar?
And do the lips of a warrior genetically modified to be a badass:
Feel at all similar to the lips of a warrior genetically infused with bird DNA.
What was that? I was watching girls make out.
"hahahhaha I triked u in too thikning I was a dud but im a girl" samas said.
I&rsqursquo;ll give her some credit, she tricked an entire generation into that once.
What? I was thinking about girls making out.
"why do u do these! I liek guys nit girls ima Christen!" I shooted.
And everyone knows that your religion determines your sexuality.
Martin, you’re a Christian; do you like guys and not girls?
No, I like girls and guys.
For real or for this joke?
For whatever the internet wants.
"BECAUSE IMA LESBAN!" Samas said "anf im a antithesis so I want u 2 goto hell for bein gay like me."
than Samas tred too rap me
Everyone is always breaking into rap battles in these stories, I don’t get it.
she took of my shirt (I had my bra under so I wasnt tipless)
I think you would get more tips if you didn’t have a bra.
adn my shirt which had pantees under it so I still wasnt nakid.
That’s a big shirt.
"no help!" I screemed.
Okay, we won’t help you.
Lucklily Link and Math
Math to the rescue motherfucker!
and Icke wear nearbye so they git hoarses and ran up and came b4 iy was to late.
"stop been a gay librul Samas" Icke said.
"yea wereman and your a women so lissen to us" Link said.
Weremen? Does that mean they’re only men during a full moon?
Yes, they’re lycangents.
"but im a lesban so im a femanast and im not gonna lissen to u" Samas said. She taked of my shoes next.
She is the most obsessive compulsive rappist.
They were fancy hi-hells from goosepy zanaty that cast my mom $2000.
Please, no more description of clothing.
butthan Marth grabed Samas with his hercule arms and through her in teh moot off the manshan.
Are we sure this isn’t a castle?
"r u ok" he asked. He kissed my hand romanticly.
"yea sorry I mad u do that"
“I’m a helpless teenage girl in a videogame, you know the rest.”
"its ok Samas is a librul so she hadit cumin" March said. I looked into his eyes. He was like if the looks of Jaykob and Juston Beeber were combined with the genus of Sean Hanety and Ross Limbog.
Here’s an alternative description; he’s fucking Marth. This isn’t fiction, this is fanfiction. We know who he is.
Expect he had blue hare.
My hare was long and bland and really petty.
Petty or pretty? it actually matters here.
"u hat libruls to" I asked.
"yea me and Link and Icke r all borne-agen Christens" Marth said.
"cool can I meat everyone els" I sad.
If you know what I mean.
"ok" so I climed on Marth's hoarse and rod
If you know what I mean.
too the manshan and went in side.
I think she’s just trying here.
In the manshan I met other Christens like Peach and Zelda and Ton Link and Pit and Nas and Luckas and Kerby and King Deedee and the Maryo bros (Mary and Lugia) and Sonec and Sold Snape, who was Marth's father
bcos fukk da canonn
(I dont think he was Marths father ibn the gam but wouldnt it be cool if he was)
No, their canons are completely separate, it would be ridiculous.
and Clod Strafe
Cloud Strafe? Who the fuck is Cloud Strafe?
and the real Master Chef
(those 2 werent in smash bros for some resin but there in this). But their were also libruls like Bowser and Ganandorf and Waro and Donky Khan and Diddy and Metal Nite and Picachoo and Pacman Tranner and the other Pacmans and Wolf and Fux Mcledo and Falcon and Captan Falco (who was Samas boyfrend b4 they both turd gay from a govermint vaksine). I new I had my work cut out for me.
Alternative description of everyone there: everyone except samus from super smash bros.
Chapter 3, He Finalle Smash
Notes: Stop atecking my storey! God will juge u when u dye
Well I’m gonna judge you while we live.
and if u insult Christens tehn he will send u too Hell! And thanks 2 the people who said nice things. I no u will goto Haven.
What if someone said something nice and then insulted a Christian? Hey Sarah, your story isn’t the worst story we’ve ever reviewed! Hey Martin, I have no strong feelings about the color green!
Also I no that Samas is a lesbain becuas when I firts playted I only saw her in amour soi thought she was a hot guy but then I usde her finale smash and fond out she was a gurl.
I’m purple. By that same logic, I’m probably gay according to a few of our readers.
I had to star at my pics off justan beber and jayncob 4 even longer then I usuely do wen Lauren comes over 2 kep me strait.
CHAP 3: HE FINALLE SMASH
The Hulk is in this?
the next day I was in my first mach of my carer. It was Me and Zelda fitting Bowzer and Falcor.
Getting Bowser in a suit must be a bitch.
We were the rad tem becuase were consercativs and they wear the blu tem becuas they wer libruls. I was waerinmg a pretty red dress that everone expect the libruls complamented me on.
Weird, you’d think Samas would be all over that.
Boozer keeped breathing firs at us an Falco shat lazors form his gum.
Zelda turne dinto Shrek
Shrek is love, Shrek is life.
and throw needs at Boozer and hit hem wiht a chan. Son bowsar was defet. Ten Falcor git a smash bell and sumoed a gina tank call a lendmaster and shat Zelda so she flyed of and loosed. I thout I was domed butthen I herd Gods vois.
"Sara! Remamber the powerz I give u at scool." I used on of the powers that God gav me and I insanely had my finale smash. I actived it and it cussed me to turn into an angle. I used my holly powers to stroke down the lendmaster and defete Falco.
I see nothing wrong with this.
"this gams winer: rad tema"
I didn’t even know rad tema was in this.
the narater said.
Nope, just nope.
When I laft the fit Mart hwas waiting for me.
"OMG! that was amazon! I nerver seen someone us a finale smash withotu a smash ball b4!" he said.
Then how do you know it’s final smash, not something else?
"Its because of the powers God gave me."
"Cool. Now me and my dad are fitting Samas and Wario."
Greet! Ill wach" I said.
“Few, my superpowers need charging up.”
So tghe next fit began and Marth and Snake are the red team and Samas and Warop were ther blue team. Samas saw I was washing so she tred to deduce me with her lucius lips and huge beasts but I was strate so it didnt work and Mark hit her with his sord while she was distrected and his dad threw gonads at her. She got blowed up and lots a stack.
That’s funny on it’s own.
*begins slow clap*
"Samas! Get ur had in the game! Present brock obana wode want us to kill all Christens," Waryo said.
"Rite" Samas said. She ataked Marth and Snake.
Son everybuddy only had on stack left. Wart rain tords Snack and het him with a motosicle. He flowed off and explode.
*slow clap intensifies*
"Father! NO!" Matt said. He ran at Waryo with is sore.
"Ate hem!" Samasa sad.
"I cant im a librul vogon now so ican only eat vegetas." Waryo said.
Vegetables and motorcycles.
So Waryo was lose. It was a on-and-on fit betwine Samas and Marth.
"give it up Samas u no libruls cant won."
"never! BY THE POWAR OF LORD SANTA
I SHALL BANESH U TOO SUBSPAS WORLD!"
then a porthole openend an sucked.
Math into subspas. The fite was over. The libruls had won.
"wat did u do 2 my sun!" Snake said wen the match was over and marth didnt come back.
"Ill never tell!" Samas said. She blowed me a kiss (witch I dogged)
Kindergarten logic achieved.
and waked away.
I was worred when Marth didnt come back. He still wasnt back for the tee party relay
You sure you're not gay?
so I went with Clod Strafe insted. When I went to sleeped at nite I preyed for marth. Then I lacked the widows and doors so Samas couldnt rap me wile I sleeped.
That nite I had horble nitmars that Math was farced too have gay sax with Satin and Bark Obameh. It was the scurrest thin ever!
Your spelling is scarier than that nightmare could ever be.
Chapter 4, The Serch 4 Matrh
Notes: Mary CHRISmes Eev everbuddy!
Christmas Eve already? Shit, I have to go!
I hop the pepole who sad gopd thins abot my storey get what they want and the pepool who said bed thins donut.
Donuts for Christmas in July, that’s completely random but I’m completely down for it.
Hopfully ican finish anutter chaptar 2morow but its CRISmos (NOT HAPY HOLDAYS LIBRULS)
I’ll have you know us pastafarians are quite proud of the holy time of Holiday. It spans multiple months and participants are encouraged to celebrate by taking paid vacation and eating pasta.
and I hav stuf with my famaly and then ill spend the knight at Laurens hose were well chang in2 are new close 4 each otter (I cant wate. Im shur shell be riley pritty).
CHAP 4: THE SERCH 4 MATRH
the next day all off the Christens in the Manshon were locking for maerth. He was still not back from were Samas put him. I preyed and preyed that we woud found him but he was nowere near the manshon.
It’s almost like extreme fighting is dangerous or something. I seriously don’t get how his disappearance is a major surprise to these people.
I new I had to confont Samas about were Marth was but I new she woud try 2 rap me agen if I came along so I bringed Clod and Sonec and Maryo with me. Samas wasin bad with 4 womens and they were kissing and dong it to each otter.
Come on Sarah, at least knock before you walk in on an orgy.
"discussing!" Maryo vomated.
"stop it Samas!" Sonec said.
"girls sholdnt do that 2 otter girls!" Clod said.
You got something against otter girls?
"Sara! U must jonus and be gay!" Samas and the otter lesbamns said.
There are already five of you; it was considerate to invite Sarah, but how is that not enough?
"No! Im ten trillian percant strait!" I shatted.
"ok then well gagrap u into been gay!"
Because that’s how it works.
Samas and the other lesbans got outta bad. Clod pulled out his gina sore and smucked a lesban with it. She flyed out the widow. Then Maryo shat furballs at anotter lesban and she burst into fame. They Sonce rolled into a bill to defete another one and I used my unbettable marital arts on the other one.
Unbeatable? If she can’t be defeated, why is she worried about being raped in the first place?
Samas was bye herself.
"tellus were Marth is!" I smacked her.
"No!" Samas said. I started stroking her with lighting from my fingers like in Stair Was becuz one of the powers God gave me was tobe a yeti with the forc.
"Tell us now!"
"NECAR!" Samas said.
“Well where’s NECAR?”
"Stop Sara ur 2 powerful if u keep atecking Samas shell die and than well never fond math!" Sonec said. I new he had a pint so I stapped using lighting on Samas. We had 2 find someone eels who could find Marth. I preyed that God wood show me were Mart was.
"Sara! Mark is in Subspas!" I herd God say.
"Thanks God!" I sad back.
"Were is Marth" Maryo said.
"Hes in Subspas!" I said.
"Oh no how did u no!" Samas sad.
Way to maintain the facade Samas.
Clod hit her with his sord to knack her unconshus.
"Not Subspas that place is terryfine!" Clod said.
"But we havto Marth is in treble!" I said.
"Well ned more people Snoop will want 2 cum too
save his son and Lonk and Ick are Marth's beast pals. Zolta an Pech shuld came to and also Kerby and my bro Luweegee and Pete cuz hes an angle" Maro said.
Just say everybody. Just say that everybody is going.
So we get everbuddy
Was that so hard?
adn goto Subspas to fine Marth.
In Subspas were insanely atecked by Subspas stuff but we beet them.
Wow, that action had me on the edge of my seat, I was worried for the half a second before the vague conflict was completely resolved.
Then we find Master Han and Crazy Hanes.
"Whatter u dong her" Mister Hans said.
“Dong her? I barely know her!”
"Weve cum 2 find Marth" I said.
Your search tactics are admirable but utterly retarded.
"No Sara u will dye!" Crazy Ham said. He tred to pinch me but I puled out my dads shitgun
Let me guess, she’s going to shat somebody with the shitgun.
(its one of my specal movs no that im a smasher) and shat him until he ded.
Than I did the sam to Master Hemp.
"Well dun but Marth is still mine" Tatu leder of Subspas came.
"ILL KILL U!" I said. I tred too shat him but he took my gum away b4 I cold.
"Ha! U shuld no im a librul so I allways take teh gins away!" He said.
But if you take away the gin, how will people get drunk and shoot each other?
I was rite I shuld have nown that. I tred my lighting buthe bloked it. Tehn I tred all my otter atecks.
And suddenly the unbeatable karate becomes complete bullshit.
"who r u dong this" I aked "my powers cum form GOD!"
"yes wile mine come from Satin."
"Bit Santana is weeker then God!"
"Yes but im alos the antichris!"
And that matters because?
"how r u relly" I said.
So Taboo roped of his musk and reveled that he was a bleck guy.
But he was wering a soot not gane close so I new he culd only be presadent brock obama!
Chapter 5, Sarah Versailles Obaba
Notes: STOP WRATING BAD THANGS ABOUT MY STOREY!
Stop writing a bad story.
If yall dont ill tell Lauren to beet u up.
Because physical action always trumps intellectual reason.
She rans crass country and plays batskeetball so shes in reel god shap (but she doesnt try to look manely or anythang becuz shes not a lesban and nether am I. We were makeup an nic close and put alota tim in r hare).
Alos my bro is a senor lintbecker on the hi school fatball teem so he cold beet yall up even easer. Marry CHRISmass (NOY HAPY HOLEDAY)
to the good people who wote good revews! (Im up erly becuz im so excite. I no ill get godo stuff this yer)
CHAO 5: SARA VERSAILLES OBABA
There’s probably a joke about the Treaty of Versailles in there, but I’m not smart enough to make it.
I stud infrant of Ibama, reddy too fite. He keeped taking about how he was the greetest evul 2 evar live and how he wood give my sole to Satin. I new I coldnt bet him in my curant stat, so I activated my finale smash.
"impassible! Noone can use there finale smash without a smash bell!" Brak Osama said.
Nothing is impossible when you’re dealing with a Mary Sue.
Now iwas moor powarfel then him and I quackly wan.
"Ha! Your alredy to late!" he laffed evully and flyed away "i hided Marth somewere in the Grate Mase tho."
“The Marth is in another castle!”
"im to late what dos that men" I said.
"idont no lets fine math" Kink said.
So we all went in2 the Miz to find Marth. We seerch all over and fote bats aganst bad people their. But Mark was nowere to be fond. We war about to give up wen we herd the sowd of a musial cumin form one of the dores we werent in yet.
I don’t know exactly what Sarah meant to say there, but I do know that if this becomes a musical I’m giving the rest of the review to Warnuts.
We open the door and saw that Marth was insid with Captan Futon and a buncha otter gay guys. He was dress lik a dreg quin. He saw us and skiped over.
Ah, good, at least he’s doing one manly thing.
"ew, dad. Those are last moths shos" he sed to Snack.
The fashion police are on the case!
Snak was wering last months shoos
You have to wait way longer before clothes are retro, last months shoes are the worst possible shoes he could be wearing!
but Marth shuldnt no that.
EVERYONE should know that!
He also taked with a hi-patched vois witha lasp insted of his normel depp manely vois. Captan Fakkon skiped up to.
At least they got one thing right.
Good work Hentai Man, I’ll shine the signal next time your help is needed.
"thisis me bofrend captan facon" Mark sad. then I relized wat happen. Marth was turn gay!
"NO NOT MY SUN!" Snarf said.
Sarah, are you even trying to spell people’s names?
"now wer gonna rap u
an make yall gay to silly" Captan Vulcan said. Tehnb Mark an Captan Favan and all the otter gays
I wanted to find a group of gay otters, but I’m trying to keep this review mildly tasteful and there’s not enough censorship in the world.
in The Room skiped at us. I new they culdnt make me gay becuz only getting repad by lesbans turns gurls gay but it was still scury. Snale got ot his rockette luncher an shat rockettes at the gays and blowed a buncha them up but their wer to maney.
Knight to pawn six.
Clod used a lamer brake to get rad of more gays.
King to rook three.
Zelda shat furballs and used the dimand sheld thin b4 turning into Shaq and using kun fu and ninja stuff.
Knight to queen seven.
Link throwed his bonerang and Ikr used his sord to held back the gays.
Pawn to pawn four.
Maryo and Loogey jamped on the gays heds to kill them.
Bishop to rook seven.
Peech throwed turdaps and Kerby hit them with his hummer.
Pawn to knight two.
Sonec used supper sped ball on them and sence Pete is an angle he sant gays diretlay to hell usin the powar of God.
Check mate, your descriptions are as mechanical as playing chess without the entertainment of actually getting to play chess.
Despit all these their war to many gays in The Room so we had too retret. Everbuddy ran out the dor expect Soldi Snak
"cum on Snaek!" I shatted.
"no yall leve ill hild tem of they alredy got my sun I hav noting to liv 4" Snack fired rockettes into the gays like a maidman wile ever1 elese ran out of the grate max. Soon more gays and lesbans and otter libruls started poring out of the other doors. We wer trap.
Has either side considered talking through their differences?
"ono" I said. I thout I wold be rapped into a lesban and then id hav too kiss girls and stop wering makeup and start wering flanel and id only shop at homs deepo insted of gud storks. Butthan mister han and crazie hen flyed out of the sky.
"hirry! Well crary u2 safe!" Masterham said. I new that God sent them to save us from the gay librusl.
Seriously God, do everything yourself or don’t do anything at all, just stop saving the Mary Sue every time she writes herself into a corner.
They take us back 2 teh Manshan. I was gong to find Samas and beet her up 4 sending Marth to Subspas were he turd gay but she wasnt in the manshan she was shoping at helms deep becuz shes a lesban.
Since Math was gay no I went on a dat with Link insted.
Loyalty at its finest.
We eat at chickfila (Ha! Take that gays!)
I ain’t even mad, supporting homophobia is a small price to pay for chicken.
and then saw a movie.
The end. Of the fucks I give.