One nice thing about this story is that it wrote the introduction for me: Jesus cheated on his husband, Satan, with Nicolas Cage and is now in labour, about to give birth. Includes: MPREG, Slight Gore, M/M, crocs and Miranda Cosgrove. You have been pre-warned.
A/N - Sorry for any errors.
Don’t apologize, just correct them.
No copyright intended. The bible belongs to the writers.
It doesn’t now and it never has, by the time copyright laws were around the bible already qualified for public domain. Besides, the writers wouldn’t have taken credit anyways, according to them it was written by God.
Sadly, I do not own Nicolas Cage and Miranda Cosgrove, they belong to themselves.
removed this, so I'm re-uploding ('cus i'm badass right?)
I beg the admins to not remove this OR IMA TAK3 L3G4L AKSHUN DESU!11!
Caps lock, using numbers as letters, desu; yeah, I think child-of-szmanda might be bluffing.
Please, don't be an ass
and get butthurt (ehe.)
It's been 9 months since I told my long standing husband, Satan that I was pregnant – and since then, our relationship has deteriorated with every passing day.
It’s a relationship between Jesus and Satan, could it have been that great to begin with? I would also question how Jesus is pregnant, but he’s Jesus.
If I'm honest, I understand why he hated me. If your husband was pregnant with Nicolas's Cage's child, you'd be pretty dam pissed to.
Are you shitting me child-of-szmanda? Because it sounds like you’re shitting me. If I had a husband, and said husband was not only pregnant, but pregnant with Nicolas Cage’s child, I’d know my life’s pretty damn interesting.
Of course the first thing that he asked when I broke the news was "Holy fuck, Jesus! But you're a guy?"
Of course, it’s just so fucking obvious.
It took me a while for me to explain to him that in actual fact, I have both genitals.
But that was in the past.
So here we are today - In a hospital, waiting for me to give birth. Satan allowed Nic to watch on the grounds that he was allowed to sleep with Miranda Cosgrove.
On the grounds that Nic is allowed to sleep with Miranda or the grounds that Satan is allowed to sleep with Miranda? Because either way, yes.
It took me a while to agree, but in the end – that bitch is a ugly mother fucker and he isn't really going to enjoy it.
He’s Satan, don’t tell him what he does and doesn’t enjoy.
I consider it personal revenge for his endless hate towards me these past few months.
I guess you're wondering why he's even here.
Not really, I already read about Jesus and Hitler, and they seemed happy enough. Jesus and Satan is even more of a stretch, but I’m willing to roll with it.
Well, in truth, I don't know. Part of me feels that he is going to kidnap the child, and if I'm honest, I hope he does. The little bastard has already destroyed my life, and it isn't even out my womb yet.
It’s not too late Jesus, I’m sure there’s at least one set of stairs in the hospital.
Satan and I are still together – god knows why.
Oh, well there you go, ask God.
I guess we both enjoy the sex.
The hospital is a horrible place; full of death, sickness and hot nurses with massive tits.
Two of the three don’t make it sound like a horrible place at all.
I'm praying to my father that the doctor delivering my child will be a Jensen Ackles look alike, or at least a man. I'm not having a woman touching me down there thanks.
"Fuck you, Dad." I say under my breath as the doctor walks in.
wears an awkward smile that makes me throw up down the front of my hospital gown.
Jesus Jesus, try to have a little self control.
Her eyebrows are worse then an infinite rainbow of crocs, streaming through a twilight convention.
Okay, that one made me throw up a little too.
"Hello. My name is Miranda. I believe we've been acquainted before." She says throwing a seductive glance at my husband but quickly returns her attention back to me. "I'm going to pull that cunt out of you today."
*I’m going to pull that out of your cunt today.
She signals to the large bump in my stomach.
"Just hurry up with it please." I groan, reaching for Nick's hand.
Didn’t think it was possible, but Satan just got burned.
He takes it and rubs his own along my sweaty palms.
"If you wish." Miranda reaches under the bed and pulls out the scariest thing I have ever laid my eyes on. It glistens like a crystal expanse of ocean. I can still see the faint, red trace of its previous victims and feel myself shudder in fear.
Is it the baby?
She is wielding one of the biggest knives I have ever seen.
I recoil as she brings it close my stomach. My grip on Nic's hand tightens as it tickles my skin. Sweat beads trickle down my face like rain droplets racing down a window pane. "Oh god." I close my eyes, praying for this nightmare to be over.
You’re Jesus; instead of whining to your dad like a bitch, just make it happen.
"OH MY FUCKING GOD. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?" I hear Satan shout. I open my eyes and stare at the bloody life form being pulled out my stomach. At first glance it looks like a blue furball, and as I stare longer I notice that it is alive.
I've given birth to Sonic the Hedgehog.
“Thus began armageddon, ragnarok, the zombie apocalypse, and every other world ending catastrophe. The end.”