Review #7: Metroid High School

Chapters 1-4

Story by 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006-chan

Review by Ray

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Chapter 1











Chapter One: The Big Dance

It was three days before the baig dance.

Well I’m already baffled. In the title of the chapter, the author spelled big just fine. But then in the first sentence, it’s spelled baig. So she, I’m going with she, knew how to spell big, and then shoved a nonsensical A into the mix. That doesn’t make sense on a phonetic level because big has no a sound, and it doesn’t make sense as a typo because the A key isn’t even all that close to B, I, or G. Dafuq?

Take it easy, this thing’s just getting started.

Shut up Yellow.

Ridley walked up to Samus.

Two sentences in and shit’s about to go down already, that was fast.

He was really nervous.

Wait, what?

He had never gone on a date before and Smaus was really, really, pretty.

Forgive me for not being too familiar with Metroid, but don’t Samus and Ridley get along about as well as Diet Coke and Mentos? Also,

Yeah, they look like a nice couple.

So he finally got enough courage and went up to her locker.

"Uhhh Samus?"

Samus looked up. "What do u want?"

"Uhhhh… Do you… uhh. Dd.. d… do you want to… go.. to the dance with me?"

Samus said "Okay"

Holy shit, that worked? Somebody get me a pen and an application to Metroid High.

Ridley was really really happy! He was going to go on his first big date! "Wow," thought Ridley. "I hope Samus is my girlfriend. I'm the luckiest guy in the damn school!"

Three days llater it was the big dance.

It seems a bit unnecessary to start the story three days before the big event and just have two days of nothing, but on the other hand, this story was unnecessary in the first place.

Everyone was there!

"Hey Ridley!" a voice sneered.

"Damn it" exclaimed Ridley. "Oh, no, it's Kraid and his gang!"

Over walked Kraid and his cronies. "What do you want, blubber brain?" Samus inquisited?

So did she inquisite?

"Well, well, well. Looks like little Ridley's got himself a girlfriend! Ooooohhhh!"

Come on 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006-chan, this is high school, not middle school. Great username by the way, it just rolls right off the tongue.

"Watch it, blubber brain or ill blow you and your little crew way up in the air!" Samus responded

That actually sounds kind of fun, count me in.

Kraid's eyes narrowed. "Looks like you win this time.

Curse you Samus, and your empty threats of aerial merriment!

But don't you worry; we'll be back. Come on boys!" Kraid declared.

Everyone in Kraids gang laughed and walked away.

Laughed at Kraid, presumably.

Samus and Ridley were all alone.

Just a moment ago, everyone was at this dance. Then Kraid and his cronies left, and now it’s just Samus and Ridley. So that either means that everyone in the universe is under Kraid’s allegiance besides Samus and Ridley, or the author is full of shit.

"Don't mind those damn people Samus. They're stupid people."

I’m sensing some projection here.

"Ya, I know" answered Samus.

Then the music started playing really slow. People everywhere stared slow dancing.

People are disappearing and reappearing at random, it’s like My Immortal all over again!

Oh, hey Ray, what are you working on?

Green, is that you?

What? No, it’s Martin… Are you alright?

Sorry, just having a flashback.

"Hey, um, Samus… Do you want to dance?" Ridly proposed?

So did he propose?

Samus looked down. "I never learned how to dance before." She declared.

Ridley smiled "Don't worry its easy!"

Yeah, you just thrash your claws and flap your wings, and, well, I guess that might not work so well for you, huh Samus?

"Samus smiled nervously "Okay" and they stared to dance. "Wow" samus alleged. "Its reely easy"

And they danced untile it was time to go home.

At the end of the night Samus and Ridley were walking home.

"Uhhh, Samus? I love you" Ridley declared.

Well that was fast.

"Really?" inquired Samus?

For Meta Jesus’ sake 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006-chan, do they ask questions or not?


Uhhh, Ridley"

Ya Samus?"

"I love you too" Samus Descirbed.

That’s a pretty shitty description, I would have gone with a declaration there.

And then in the soft moonlight the two lovers kissed.


What a lovely kiss that must have been.

But then it was cut short because esamus had to go home now.

"See you tomorrow samus" ridley exclaimed.

"Damn" thought ridley. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."


That’s the author’s idea of a cliff hanger? I’d say the story was wrapped up pretty completely, awful as it was. But looky here, seven more chapters, evidently this is just getting started.

Told you.

Shut up Yellow.

Yeah, tell him Martin.





Chapter 2









Chapter Two: Sleepover of Suprises part 1

Spoiler alert, the next chapter isn’t called Sleepover of Suprises part 2. In fact, no chapter is. In the case of some authors, that could be for a very poetic and clever reason. So in this case, it is not.

One day Samus and Ridley and her frends Ted, Mandy, Robbie, 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006, Helen, and Tio Juan were at a sleepover.

Okay everybody; one of these things is not like the others. While I don’t think a majority of these people existed in the canon, I know for a fact that Tio Juan certainly didn’t.

Samus's parents were off on a business trip and wern't at home so they could do whatever "What should we do now?" Samus quized her friends.

It’s a quiz?

A. Continue the story

B. Continue the story

C. Continue the story

D. None of the above

"I know!" declared Ted lets play truth or dare!

"True dat!" Samus and co said.

Ah, what a timeless phrase.

"I dont know how to play" confessed Tio Juan.

But Tio Juan, why did you say “True dat” if you don’t know how to play?

"Tio Juannnnn" everyone groaned. Then they laughed really loud "HAHAHA"

Oh, thank you 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006, so so much. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember what laughter sounded like until you reminded me.

except 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 who was too cool to laugh.

"Its real easy said Helen who had been Tio Juan's neighbor and best friend since kindergarten. Helen and Tio Jaun secretly like each other but were always too afraid to tell each other their true felonies.

Two people liking each other is a felony? Is one underaged and the other a horse? So many questions…

"all you have to do is to take turns and ask truth or dare and then the person will choose one and you have to choose a question for them that they have to answer no matter what and if they choose dare then you choose a dare that they have to do and its really funny!"

If you think truth or dare is funny, your friends aren’t the assholes they should be.

explained Helen.

"A-OK" declared Tio Juan. Everyone sheered!

Did someone say sheared?

How about Samus goes goes first" Risley proposed slyly."

"oh brother!" Samus groaned "Looks like I'm outta damn luck" Samus conceedesd.

There’s something bothersome about the same person saying “oh brother” and “damn” back to back, it’s just not natural.

"Truth or Dare" Ridley smiled like a bear.


"Riddle me this," riddled Ridley.

"Have you ever stolened something?"

All eyes turned to Samus as she fiddled with her fingers.

"Well... ther was this one time..."

… when I took an item in multiplayer just as someone else was about to grab it.

"Go on" Ridley meniachley stated.

"Well... I was at Keaton's general store... and there was this Green Day CD I wanted... And I didn't have enough money... so... well..." Samus was embarassed

With album titles like Dookie, Nimrod, and American Idiot, I feel like making a joke here is just too easy.

"HAHAHAHA" Ridley expressed himself really loud!

"Mmmmm" 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 sighed roolen her eyes. "You and your petty crimes... especially for such a sellout band..."

Is she mocking herself in third person? Not only that, but is she mocking Green Day before they proved they could count to three in Spanish?

"Wow, you're sooo angsty" noticed Ted.

"Ugghhh," 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 moaned and went back to filing her nails with a nail filer.

Thanks for the clarification, I would have assumed she was filing her nails with a filing cabinet and a god damn manila folder.

Everyone laughed really loud "HAHAHA" except 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 who the joke was directed at.

Now this sounds more like truth or dare.

"Okokokokokokok I think it's Ted's turn."

It’s Samus’ turn, you cheating liar.


Ted cooly replied with a snap. Everyone rolled their eyes and giggled except for 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 who was too busy listening to "My Chemical Romance" on her iPod Nano.

"What do you choose?" everyone wondered?

"Dare!" Ted D-snapped.

Wait, it’s his turn and everyone’s asking him what he’s going to choose. I get that there are house rules involved, but I dare say the author’s never played this game before.

"Well then, mr. Snappy. Let's see you snap at this one" was Samu's clever remark.

Clever? That’s about as clever as calling someone who snaps a lot mr. Snappy.

Everyone laughed except for 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 who couldn't hear because her iPod was too loud.

We get it, she’s too cool for this story.

"Were going, to spin a bottle and you have to kiss whoever the bottle lands on!

Barring the more obvious problems with this set up, where did they get a bottle?

"Oh nooooo" Ted lameted "But what if its Tio Jaun?"

"Well you have to do anyway because thats the rules of the game!" Samus affirmed.

It’s also among the rules of fanfiction: if the author ain’t straight, ain’t nobody straight.

"I have a bottle" Mandy made known to the people.

What do you know, that was actually kind of addressed. But now I want to know why she had a bottle, and why they planned on having a bottle before they knew if they’d be able to obtain one. The questions are multiplying!

The bottle spun around and arunod and arundo until it finally landed on 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006.

"Looks like I have to kiss 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006!" Ted announced

How does one even pronounce 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006? Are the ones silent? Where are the inflections? Who named their child that in the first place? Did the parents know that she’d go to school with a couple whose names are Samus and Ridley? How awkward would it have been if Samus and Ridley hated each other like I think they’re supposed to? The questions may never end.

"Ugh... very well..." 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 angstily agreed to. "But this is only for this stupid game. You never have, or ever will have a chance with me."

"Yeah, ok" Ted mentioned and he sneakily stalked over to 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 and got real close.

"Let's just over with..."

Then Ted leaned down and gave her a kiss and everyone giggles and he tried to put his hands in her hair but she did not let him and she slapped him and it hurt because she was really strong.

Hey! Don’t make me start a Mary Sue counter, because I will!

"In you're dreams, blubber brain" 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 pwnd.

"hey, my brain is NOT maid out of rubber." Ted pointed out.

"I'm not so sure about that" Robbie snapped back!

"Hey!" Everyone laughed except 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 who didn't think the joke was very funny.

everyone laughed, except for 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 and the readers.

"Ok, ok ok its Tio Juan's turn!" everyone agreed.

"Arrrghhghhghg," coraked Tio Juan.

What, did he just turn into a pirate?

"Uhhhhh... I chose truth"

"Ok, we get to ask one question" samus reminded Tio Juan. "What is your deepest darkest secret?"

Oh, never heard that one asked before. I’m sure Tio Juan will answer very truthfully.

Tio Juan looked nervous. "I like someone in this room." That statement brought a lot of commotion because everyone wanted to know who Tio Juan liked except 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 who was completely uninterested.

"Is it Samus?"

"Is it Mandy?"

"Is it 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006?"

You people are horrible guessers.

"Actually..." Tio Juan wrapped his arm around Helen who was sitting next to him and closed in and gave her a very big kiss. Everyone cheered and clapped their hands except for 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 who was down stairs pouring herself a glass of lemonade.

A couple of things here. One, it’s pretty impressive that Helen and Tio Juan can cheer and clap while kissing each other. Two, it’s amazing that this story is so uneventful, not even the author gives a fuck about it; she’d rather go get some lemonade, and I don’t blame her.

"Helen" Tio Juan said after they were done kissing. "I've always loved you since I met you but I was too afraid to tell you."

"TIo Juan I love you too"Helen confirmed. And the two love birds kissed again again until everyone told them to stop except for 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 who wasn't back from getting a soda yet.

Lemonade isn’t soda, quit messing with my head!

"A-OK!" Tio Juan shouted. "Let's finish the game!"







Chapter 3

Okay everyone.

No more caps?

I read a lot more fanfiction now,

Because if there’s a collection of writing that’s the embodiment of perfection, it’s fanfiction. As proof; the Retributionists don’t exclusively review fanfiction, it’s just happened to be every single horrible story has been a work of fanfiction.

and I think it's time Metroid High School should take on a darker tone now.

Me gusta.

I'm sooooooo sorry that thye updates have been so far apart, but hey I ionly do the best i can, right?

If this is your best, that’s kind of sad.

Thanklsss for the reviewwss!

No problem, I’ll keep it coming.

BTW, this chapter is dedicated to Game-Dude, who inspired me to start writing agin, THANK YOU!

Chapter Three: Samus is Praegnent

Gee, what do you suppose is going to happen in this chapter?

Samus and ridley had been going out for six months now. It was a conincedence, considering that most teenage relationships exist for 2 months, according to a video.

Care to cite your source? Because there are a lot of videos in the world, and my teenage relationship’s been going strong for years.

Everyone was really suprised, because they hadn't expected the relationship to last so long. Not even sames or ridely thought it would last so loing, and that says things!

It does speak volumes about how pleasant that relationship must be.

“You’re such a bitch, I can’t believe I’m still dating you!”

“You’re a motherfucking dragon or something, why am I dating you in the first place?”

Right now, Samus and rildey were at Ridleys house. Ridleys parents werent at home because of a business trip and Samsu didnt have to be home until 1 o clock. Right now, it was only eleven thirty. They were on the couch and it was quiet.

"So Samus, what do you think of... uhh... world politics" Ridly made converesly.

Smooth Ridley. Smooth.

"Ridley, I dont care about things like that." samus asserted

"Ah" Ridley admitted.

After six months, you’d think they’d know each other a little better. Maybe it’s space months, I don’t know.

There was a kind oif silence that happens when people dont know what so say to each other in a relationship.

Why yes, it is a lot like that kind of silence.

But ridley has something on his mind.

"Uhh,,,, Samus..." Ridley approached.

"Yes ridley?" Samus question answered

That dialogue tag made me poop shit my underwear pants.

"You know how... welll... we've been going out for a long time, longer than the average, and well..."

"I agree" samus knodded.

“We should totally break up.”

"Well, you know how... uhhh... you see..." Ridley seemed unholy

Well what do you expect? He’s a space dragon.

"Ridley? I understand what you mean" Samus understood.

"Samus, are you sure about?" Ridley started, but It was too late. It started as an innocent kiss. It ended up as much more than they could baragin for.


I would think a simple *** could convey that the scene had changed, but a shitload of 1s works too.

The next morning Samus wasnt sure where she was./ Then she remembered that she was at ridleys house.

She was supposed to be back at one, she’s gonna be in trouble. I also can’t imagine her parents are too thrilled about her pregnancy. Or that the father is a space dragon. But I don’t know, maybe they’re more open minded than I am.

Then she noticed that she was in ridleys bed. then she noticed that she was naked.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Samus woke up the whole neghborhood.

If she woke up the whole neighborhood with that, how many people did she wake up last night when she was being fucked by this:

"Samus, is something wrong?" Ridley noticed as he qoke up.

What was your first clue?

"OH NO!" he fearfully exclaimed.

"Ridley, what if... if..." Samus worried. Ridley was cooler and didnt loose his cool.

Fair enough, but up until this point, neither have been particularly cool. Unlike me, critiquing the years old fanfiction of a sci fi videogame that… nevermind.

"Do, its ok. My friend told me that it cant happen the first time, so never worry. Its ok," Ridley acsertained.

Seems legit.

"Uh... okay..." Seamus tried to convince herself. After all, who doesn't think it could happen it could happen after just one time?

I feel like more people would know the answer if the question were worded more clearly.

Unfortunately, they were dead wrong.


We meet again, obnoxious transition.

It had been some weeks and Samus was at Helens house. Mandy and 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 were there too. It was the morning, and Samus was feeling a little sick.

The suspense is killing me, what could possibly be ailling her?

The problem was, everyone else was healthy in her friends and family, so it wasnt likely the cold or the cholera.

That’s oddly specific.

Something was up, and Helen was about ready to explode.

"Samus, I think we have an emergency!" Helen imploded.

What a twist, she was going to explode, but instead did the opposite!

"Ok Ok, calm down" Mandy controlled. She was the kind of girls who could keep their cool in a disaster. "Samus, we are all worried, but theres only one wayt o be sure," implied mandy.

Was it really an implication if it was outright stated?

Samus looked at her feet. "But where do I get one on those?" Samus speculated.

They’re feet, I would assume you already have two of them.

111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 broke the silence. "I have one," 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 made known. She reached in her black handbag and picked up a small wrapper with something in it. Evereyone was shrouded in disbelief.

''111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006, why do you have a praegnency test in your pocket?" Helen posed.

Great question inspector Helen.

Everyone except 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 thought it was a reasonable question.

111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 rolled her eyes. "Dude, I have a life you know," 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 controversially declared."

Allow me to translate: I sleep around so much that I just keep a pregnancy test handy at all times, because it’s so likely I’m pregnant at any given moment that going to the store to get one that often would be a severe waste of time.

"Ok then" Helen calmed down. The only way to be safe is well...

Not fucking without protection. That’d be the first step.

Samus are you ready?" Helen pried.

Samus was not ready, but it was the only way she could be safe. "Ok." samus decided. "Its time."


Bad transition, stop interrupting the story!

Samus was in Helen's bathroom. She couldn't believe this was happening. Ehat if... NO! SHE WASNT GOING TO THINK ABOUT IT!

Samus tried to calm down but it was too hard. Only 2 minutes... 1 minute…

Time sure does fly when you’re having a nervous breakdown.

Samus held her breath and took a look. "Oh. Oh no. No No No" Samus distruseted. "Say it ain't so..."

Weezer will say whatever Weezer wants to say.


Somewhere in the town a phone was ringing.

Good to know, now can we get back to the story?

It was ridley's cellphone. Ridley picked it up. "Hello?" Ridley answered. He was confused because on the other end of the phone there was silence.

So he hung up.

Then he heard Samus say four words that would change her life.

"Ridley... I'm pragenent."

Okay everybody, let’s all count together. “Ridley(that’s one)... I’m(that’s two) pragenent(that’s still two because pragenent isn’t a word).” But even if it were, that would only bring us up to three. Protip: if you don’t know whether or not a contraction counts as one word or two, don’t mention the number of words in a statement that has a contraction.

Sorry If theres any typos,

Oh, I was just talking about that actually. Well, ranting really.

im terrible a that kinda thing.

And I agree. Hold on, you know what? Without the caps, this bold italic thing isn’t fun anymore.

This will probably end up being about three parts of the story. Look out for part 2, coming soon. Or whenever!

BTW, I had to edit some parts out of this to make it PG-13, so if you want the full chapter, just email me, ok?

I would absolutely love to read the deleted scenes, but I think I’ll live without it.

AN Review, R and R!

Chapter 4

Hello Everyone!!!

Hello again.

Thnaks you sooo much for the reviews!!!

No problem, this is very enjoyable.

I love you all, excpet for hunter001 who was sooo mean !

No comment.

Anyway, this chapter is kind of a mystery and a conspiracy, so hang tight!

So have we just forgotten that Samus is pregnant then?

Chapter Four: The Cholera conspiricy

Back to cholera I see.

Ridley could not believe it. In fact, he origianlaly suspected conspiracy.

Way to go 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006, don’t waste any time getting that theme out there.

But it was much more than he could expect. He'd bitten off far too much to chew, and now no conspiracy could explain the situation he's landed himself in. Or could it?

Well with a jumbled exposition like that, who the fuck knows?


Saamus was at Dr. Bannus's office to have her baby checked.

Holy Space Jesus, continuity!

She was worried because she had never been pragenent before.

Ridleyt had told her not to worry and that it would all work out, but samus couldn't help but feel that Ridley was hiding something from her. Little did she know that there was a surprise on the horizion.

“I’m a dragon. How the fuck did you get pregnant?”

"Samus, there is a problem" Dr. Bannus addressed.

“You wouldn’t happen to have had sex with a monsterous creature that’s more or less twice your size lately, have you?”

Samus was not amused. "What is it?" Samus cautiously gandered.

“You appear to be pregnant with an anthropomorphic bird dragon.”

"It seems that there was a... repercussion... of your sins" Dr. Bannus scolded.

Oh, was I actually right?

Samus was shocked by the lack of religious toleration in the establishment.

Can somebody explain to 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 what it means to have a lack of something?

"What seems to be the issue" samus countered as she narrows her eyes.

"I don't know how to say this but... you've got..."

“... a baby lodged in your abdomen, and for the life of me, I don’t know how it could have gotten there.”

Samus held her breath and could not believe what she heard next. It was a tragedy in the making, and she was the protagonist.

"The Cholera"

Oh, the cholera. Well now this shit’s serious.


Samus fell on her bed and was broken into tears. It was impossible. It was impracticial. There was no way it could have happened. But it did.

Samus was crying because her life was ruined by the cholera.

It’s actually pretty treatable, but if that’s the way you want to approach this Samus, then alright.

But there was another reason, becuase Ridley had to have gotten the cholera from someone else and Ridley had never mentioned anything of the sort.

Does the author know that cholera isn’t an STD?

It was a mystery, and Samus was tyrying to find out.


Arondu that time, Helen decided to give her friend a call. She was worried because samus had jeust experienced her first praegnency exam, and it was time to hear the results.

Samus phone rang and she picked it up.

"Hello?" she inquired the person on the recieving line.

"Samus, how did it go?" Helen grilled her girlfriend

“Well, instead of saying anything about the baby, the doctor told me I have cholera.”

"Helen, there was a surprise" Samus tearfully made known to her peer.

"Is it a good surprise?" Helen hoped for the best

“Yes, the doctor found out that I’m giving birth to one million dollars. No it wasn’t a good surprise, dumbass.”

Samus paused to catch her cool and composure. "Helen... I have... the Cholera" she declared with vengence.

Yay vengeance!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" exclaimed Helen with a scream of the gods. It couldn't be. But then... maybe...

"Samus, there might be something you should know. 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006... she has the cholera too."

Well at least there’s some good news.

Samus hung up the phone. She was in disbelief. It... made sense. But it couldnt be true. It was too much of a conspiracy for the truth. Or was it?

111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006, stop using words you don’t know. It’s hilarious, but stop.


For the third time a phone had rang. Rdiley cautiously picked it up, not knowing the full-life consequences on the other end. It was Samus. She was disapporving.

"Ridley, have you had and affair with 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006?" Samus scorned.

Ridley was backed into a corner. It was time for this conspiracy to be brought to an end.

"Samus... a long time ago... before you and I were a pair... 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 and I... well..."

Samus was embarased. "RIDLEY YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME! NOW I HAVE THE CHOLERA! I CANT BELIEVE YOU!" sidesplitted samus.

Maybe he should have been more honest, but I think a better approach would be getting, I don’t know, the readily available treatment. Unless… Oooh, this is space cholera, isn’t it? Yup, everyone’s dead.

I was too much to handle.

Understatement of the year.

"Samus, I..." Started rildey before he was cut off by his scorned girlfriend.

"Save it" Samus delivered with dark passion. "I need time."


Sorry that it was kinda a short chapter but I have big surprises coimg soon.

Please be the end, please be the end…

By the way, I'm looking for people as secondary characters in the next few chapters. If you want to be included in the story, just send a review and put the name that you want me to use in the story!

I’d love to be included, call me Mike Litoris.

This is going to be sooo cool! Until next time, A/N Review R & R!!!

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