Review #66

Et Tu, Geico

Story by Tigris Lupa

Review by Ray




Julius Caesar ran out of Hogwarts, his Gryffindor robes flaring around his toga and flapping behind him.

And this is the last mention of anything related to Harry Potter. Seriously, this is the scene establishing sentence, and it establishes something that will never come up again.

The sun glinted off his shiny head and wavy, chocolate comb over and sparkled in his mud brown eyes as he sprinted towards where he’d seen the Geico gecko lounging down by the lake.

A vast world full of wizards and magic? Fuck that, clearly the story needs to focus more on an advertisement whore gecko.

Except he wasn’t the old gecko Julius had known anymore. Over the summer he’d come into his magical inheritance and was now a bishounen.

Huh, Wikipedia says bishounen is the Japanese term for a young boy whose beauty is beyond gender or sexuality. Or something like that. The important part is that the article doesn’t mention magical inheritance or geckos.

“Geico-sama!” he panted as a he came to stand by the devastatingly beautiful, humanoid lizard.

Geico looked up at him, his scales, now rainbow accents on his perfectly pale skin, glittering in the sun.

Kneeling down, Julius took the magical creature’s face in his hands. “Ever since I first saw you, my heart went doki doki,

And apparently that one is the Japanese onomatopoeia for a heartbeat. For fuck’s sake, if I had known this would have so much Japanese influence I would’ve summoned Hentai Man. But for some reason, I didn’t think it would come up in the story about Roman Julius Ceasar and English Geico Gecko, who are doing God knows what in Scottish Hogwarts.

and now that you’ve come into your magical inheritance and become a bishounen, I just couldn’t hold back.”

Geico fisted his hands in the Roman’s toga front, gazing up at him imploringly. “But, Caesar, what about-“

 

Geico fisted his hands in the Roman’s toga, and then started talking about why they can’t be together. Also, is Geico really the gecko’s first name? I guess I’ve never looked into it, considering I’ve never felt the urge to write erotic fanfiction about the reptilian little fuck.

Caesar gazed lovingly into his love’s reptilian eyes. “I don’t care about him, I only want you.”

The gecko pushed him back, a stern look on his face. “Prove it.”

“How?” the general beseeched.

The humanoid gecko turned and knelt down, presenting himself.

“Take my virginity, Caesar,” he panted, his puckered entrance gaping and winking.

That’s it? That’s the daunting challenge Caesar has to overcome to prove his love? Pathetic. If he was the submissive one I could understand the struggle, but Caesar barely has to do a thing; he hasn’t even started and Geico’s ass is already gaping.

“Take it like you took Gaul.”

Caesar ripped his toga off, revealing his weeping cock to the world.

Geico stared back at the thick slab of Italian meat in a nest of royal purple curls,

Seems natural.

face pinched in fear. “But, Julie, it’ll never fit.”

You’re the one who brought it up!

“That’s okay.” Caesar picked up a basilisk fang lying nearby. “We’ll make it fit.”

 

He jammed the fang in the gecko’s ass, squeezing the tooth so that acid spurt out, before starting to carve.

BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY SANE AND LOGICAL THING TO DO. THANK YOU TIGRISLUPA, FOR BEING SO IN TOUCH WITH REALITY. Now that that’s over, let’s get on with this otherwise rational story.

When he’d finished, he started ripping pages out of their textbooks and stuffing them up into the widened passage.

 

Geico looked back, his eyes blown wide with lust as he squinted in confusion at his dominating lover. “What are you doing?”

Yes, do explain, I’m sure we’re all very curious.

“Lubing you up,” Julius said as he jammed another piece of paper up the lizard’s man pussy.

 

This entire story is a typo, I refuse to believe anything leading to that sentence could be intentional.

After he’d finished preparing his uke,

 

he lined himself up, holding the head of his cock against the gecko’s sphincter. “Are you ready for me to invade you, Geico-sama?”

If he isn’t, I can only imagine what else Caesar has in mind.

Geico pressed back, trying to stab himself on Caesar’s sword. “Oh, yes, Julie! Cross my Rubicon! Cross it!”

Really? A historical reference in the midst of all this madness?

Caesar grabbed his hips and slammed in with a crinkle.

 

The sound of slapping skin and crumpling paper echoed around the lakeside as Julius set a punishing pace. Soon smoke started to come out of Geico’s ass as the pages started to catch on fire from the friction from Caesar’s dick.

 

It wasn’t long before Caesar’s rhythm started to stutter as his orgasm approached. “Oh yeah, take my little soldiers, take ‘em, take ‘em!” And with that he cried out, punctuating his last few thrusts with

“Veni!”

No.

Slam.

“Vidi!”

Go to Hell.

Slam.

“Viciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!”

The sad part is that coming, seeing, and conquering all fit this situation a little too well.

With one final plunge, his cum gushed into Geico-sama’s anus, dousing the smoldering paper.

Paper beats rock, cum beats flaming paper lube.

As he made to pull out he discovered that the edges of the paper had entirely worn away his penis.

Then how did he finish?

 

F**K isn’t an act of censorship by the way, it’s an act of abbreviation. The first asterisk stands for fuck, and the second asterisk also stands for fuck.

In fact, he had a paper cut where it used to be.

Isn’t that just the worst? You’re fucking a gecko man boy girl, and the next thing you know your entire dick is reduced to a papercut.

“Huh, I guess that means I’m a girl now.”

 

He looked to where his lover was laying, gobs of cum and ash spewing from the gecko’s no-longer-fiery cave of wonder. “You should stuff my new hole full of your meat, Geico-sama.”

Damn, how deep is that papercut?

Geico grabbed a handful of wet sand and punched it into Caesar’s new sopping hole of love.

Wet or not, sand is the opposite of lube!

Before he plunged his throbbing rod of need into the now lubricated passage,

 

he paused, horrified.

“But you’re a girl now, Caesar-chan!” he gasped, and then exclaimed, “What if I get you pregnant?”

 

What if birds start fisting coconuts? What if Mars decides to adopt Canada? What the fuck if?

Caesar nodded solemnly. “We’ll just have to use protection now.”

“Good idea.” And then Geico cast a summoning spell.

A suit of armor came flying out of the castle. Taking the helmet, he settled it over his cock.

 

“Okay.” He held his knighted sausage to his lover’s sandy, gaping wound. “Now I’m ready.”

"Yes, do it, Geico-sama!” Caesar screamed, holding himself open wide. “Stab me! Stab me like a senator with your dick!"

And with that, Geico punched his cock in shining armor up into the Roman dictator’s base camp with a thundering squelch.

As they were banging, literally,

 

the noise of Geico pounding with his metal armor started to change.

“Caesar!” he shouted as his turgid length kept pummeling his lover’s insides. “I think the condom’s starting to break!”

 

If the “condom” breaks, you have nothing new to worry about.

“I don’t care, Geico-sama! I want it!” Caesar locked his ankles behind the lizard’s gyrating ass. “Put all your savings inside of me!”

 

With one final thrust, the helmet burst with a clang, and the fruit of Geico’s loins erupted into Caesar like Vesuvius on Pompeii.

Caesar’s belly grew and grew until it looked like he was pregnant. Little did they know, he sort of was. Ish.

Listen tigrislupa, don’t bother telling us the details of the story until you actually know what they are.

“Look, we made a baby, Geico-sama.” Caesar placed his hands on his stomach, pressing on the engorged flesh.

Suddenly, heavenly tentacles reached down out of the sky and strung them up and started plundering all of their orifices. All of them. Even their ears.

Hentai Man, I apologize for leaving you out of this, but I know that if you enter this review you’ll never come back out.

Geico was the first one to cum, but the tentacles still kept pounding into him, filling him with angelic slime.

It was only when Caesar began to cum that the tentacles made their move. They punched into his stomach, ripping into it and pulling their baby out for the world to see.

It was a pearl.

Wha—

A pearl made of sand and gobs of cum.

Dammit that almost makes sense.

Their duty done, the tentacles retreated back home, doing the M.C. Hammer slide as they did.

I was getting the impression that the story is trying to make no sense, but then I remembered that it’s on the internet, which means it has to be quality work. So maybe this is all one big complicated metaphor that I’m just not getting.

Caesar cradled their creation to his magically healed torso. “Look, Geico-sama, it’s the proof of our love.”

Geico embraced his new family, staring down at them tenderly. “What do you want to name it?”

Julius stared down into the milky depths of their offspring. “Caesarian-chan.”

I am disappoint. After all of this intricately laid out insanity, we wrap up that tangent with a dumb joke.

At that moment, Dorian Grey came storming out the castle.

Who where why?

“Caesar! What’s going on!” he screeched, arms flailing. “What have you been doing with that bishounen?”

Julius looked up at his boyfriend and soon to be ex.

"I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico-sama."