Review #63: My Inner Life aka Fuck My Life (Post 5)

Part 1

Story by Link's Queen

Review by Warnuts

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Okay so this story just tried to kill me. when I started my brake I got extreamly sick so I'm going to try and finish this story as fast as I can so here we go.

 The Encounter          

Grabbling my bow and my (9)Phoenix circles and Link equipped with the Master Sword, I kissed little Link, said a few words to Ruto then Link and I headed for Lake Hylia and the Water Temple. We went to the stable to grab our horses, since Epona was carrying, I saddled Star Dancer and Link saddled Midnight Star.

Why didn't he take Epona?

Mounting our horses,

Ah... no that joke is played out.

 we left the sanctuary of our house, and made our way through the blinding snow. The storm had kicked up again. It was very cold and the snow knee deep.

A: *was, B: was it up your knees or Star Dancer's

A The wind whipped our cloaks around as we pushed onward. Visibility was next to nothing, I could barely see Link in front of me. "Jenna are you ok?!" Link yelled over the howling wind. "So far I'm ok, but I can barely see anything in front of me!" I yelled back. "Just follow the sound of my voice my love,

Okay in reality how often does that work?

 I will help guide you!" Listing to Link's voice, I was able to follow him. We kept a steady pace, pushing through the deep wet snow. I wrapped my now damp cloak around me trying to stay warm.    

    After some time we finally came to the fences leading to Lake Hylia. By this time the storm had died down some so visibility was much better. Link made  Midnight Star come to a complete stop, causing snow to kick up behind the stallion's powerful hooves. Pulling back on the reins Star Dancer came to a complete stop just a few feet behind Link. "Why did we stop?" I questioned. "We need to jump these fences, but with the snow as deep as it is I know that Midnight Star can make the jump but, do you think your mare can handle the jump?" Looking down at my mare, I patted her on the head and stroked her mane. "I have full confidence in her Link, she can make the jump."

Okay we all know that she wil make the jump perfictly but how funny would it be if she totally bifed it.

 "Then lets go!" Link yelled.    

   Backing up his horse, Link prepared for the jump. When he had enough distance, he booted the horse in the legs and ran towards the fences guarding the lake. With a kicking up of snow, the black stallion flew gracefully over the fences, leaving a trail of mist behind him.


 Bringing the horse to a stop on the other side of the fences he looked at me. "Now you make the jump." Nodding, I backed up my mare and prepared for the jump. When I had enough distance between the fences and I,

I booted my horse in the legs and bolted towards the fences. Just before I reached the fences, a cloud of snow kicked up behind my horse's powerful hooves as she made the rough jump over the fences. Link then took off in front of me and called for me to follow.

You know for something they had to stop and talk about, she really rushed that part of the story.

I watched as the lake slowly became visible. When we reached the bank of Lake Hylia, we were shocked at what we saw. Pulling our horses to a complete stop I exchanged glances with Link. "The lake is frozen over!"

No shit you cumbubble! It is winter

"How are we supposed to get inside now?"

No stop right there, if it is frozen then how did bitch-tits get in? You can't say it froze after she left because it snowed two days before this and don't forget the snowstorm that was happening when she got to your house.

 I said as we dismounted. Pulling out his bow, Link nocked an arrow of fire and shot it at the lake. Steam rose up as the fire melted the ice beneath its fiery rage. "Well well, Link your full of surprises."

No you're just a dumv bitch that didn't plan for a WATER temple to be frozen in some places

I said with envoy. Link smiled, then nocked a few more arrows and shot them one by one into the ice, creating a hole in the ice. "Now we can get inside."

And get hypothermia and frostbite in the process

Link inquired. "Wait a second Link, isn't the door to the Temple under the water?" Link nodded. "How do you suppose we are going to get in there?"      

  Walking back over to his horse, Link reached into his saddlebags and pulled something out of it. Turning back to me he threw a blue looking tunic at me. "Put that on."

"That's the Zora tunic, it allows its wearer to breath under the water." I looked down at the tunic in my hands, wondering if it would really work. "Are you sure its going to fit me?"

Does it matter you are in and out of the water so fast you really don't need it. Also if you do need that tunic what about Link?

Looking back at me his eyes seemed to glow. "Don't worry my love it will." Looking back down at it one more time, I took it and slipped it on over my dress. Then I walked over to Link just as he finished putting his on.        

"Now the entrance is at the bottom." "The only way to get down there is with the Iron Boots."

Or swimming down works but Link never learned how to do that.

"Iron what?"

Have you ever talked to Link?

I asked with curiosity in my voice. "The Iron Boots are boots made of Iron to help the wearer to be heavy enough to walk on lake bottoms.

So was that the disigners idea when he mad the boots?

 "Oh that's amazing, you never cease to surprise me Link my love." I said with a little giggle. "Now since there is only one pair, you'll have to hang onto me or you will just float back to the surface."

Of course they have to hold onto each other, why wouldn't they? It's not ike they could each wear one of the boots that seem to fit any fucking foot they're put on.

No you see if they each wear one then they would only flot half way down.

 Nodding, I watched as Link equipped the Iron Boots. When he was ready, I grabbed onto his arm as we made our way into the lake. The boots made a loud clopping sound

*bad poker face

as we descended to the lake's bottom.

Walking on the bottom of the lake made me feel a little uneasy,

Well you aren't doing shit, that's Link, you're just hanging onto him.  

 but I had confidence in my husband's abilities. When we reached the Temple's gate, I looked up at the blood red jewel sitting above the entrance. A slight shiver went down my spine as I stared at the ghoulish looking thing. Hugging onto Link, we descended into the Temple. As we walked further into the eerie Temple, a wash of uneasiness ran over me. "Where do we go from here?" I said as I held onto Link tightly. "I'm not sure

Wait what? You had a mental brake down when you heared Dark Link's name and yet you can't remember how to get to him. No if something is that tramatic then you wound't forget a singel moment of that day and that includes how you got to him!

, but my best guess is that we should head for that strange room."

As we descended deeper into the Water Temple, I started to feel as if someone was watching us. "Link do you feel as if we are being watched?"

You know that you could have said 'I got this strange feeling' then asked 'Link do you feel as if we are being watched?'. Oh wait htats right, repeating fetesh.

 "Yeah I feel it, I also feel a presence as well." "He's here I can feel it."

Or is it Dark...Jenna?

Dammit Ray stop bringing up bad things that can happen!

 Feeling my cat like instincts kick in, I raised my head up and sniffed the air. "You're right, I smell something fowl."

I'm sorry can you run that by me again?

"He's close." I said lowering my head. "Closer then you think." A sneering voice called from within the Temple.

Wait what?

I jumped at the sound of the eerie voice echoing threw the corridors. "Come out and show yourself, I know you're here!" Link yelled as he unfastened his sword in its sheath. "Ha ha so…the "Hero of Time" has returned to challenge me." The sneering voice called again.

So that is dark link talking, but he's... he doesn't...does he talk?

 "Your more of a fool then I thought." I begun to shake as the sneering voice continued to vibrate threw the Temple's corridors. "FOOL!?"

*soul eater fool

"You're the fool!" "Why won't you show yourself?!" Link screamed

No you see that's what makes him smart. It's called psychological warfare.

as he unsheathed the Master Sword. Just then we heard a shuffling sound behind us. Then the next thing I knew, I was struck from behind and then all went black.

Rape time


When I awoke, I noticed I was lying on the floor bound hand and foot with rope. Looking around the room, I saw Link sitting next to me bound as well.

I can uderstand your bitch as getting knocked out, but link? By the time I got to Dark Link I had like 16 hearts.

I tried to tug at my bonds, but it seemed no matter how hard I tried the bonds seemed to tighten. "Its no use Jenna, I've already tried." Link said in a faltering tone. "It seems that we are prisoner of my mirror self." "You are so right." Called the sneering voice again. Just then a figure appeared in the doorway to the room. "So…the "Hero of Time" is now my prisoner." "How long I awaited this day, the day when I would get revenge on my counter part." I watched as the shadowy figure moved forward revealing an exact copy of Link. Although the "copy" was darker, wearing a black tunic and hat, and those blood red eyes shone with pure evil.


Enough with your damn eyes!

As he approached Link, the look of him made me shiver in fear. "What are you going to do with us?" Link said with hatred in his voice. "Hmmm….I haven't decided what I'm going to do with you yet." Then he glanced over at me, his blood red eyes piercing into my soul. "But I think I have plans for that beautiful wife of yours." The mirror image said with amusement in his voice. "Oh by the way…call me Dark Link."

Why even bother tell us your name, in this story any conflict is istantly resolved. I give this three maybe four parragraphs.

Just then Dark Link strode over and bend down beside me, "Such a beautiful creature." He said as he put his hand under my chin, lifting my head up to face him. I shot him a look of hate. "I have plans for you sweet thing." Dark Link said as he ran his hands seductively down the side of my face. "What the hell are you talking about!?"

Well gosh I wonder. He's only calling you beautiful and touching you, prof. Hent will you?


I looked up at him, his red eyes seemed to glow with an evil desire. "Oh…I have special plans for you." "You will soon find out." He begun to laugh, a laugh so hideous that it made my skin crawl. Realizing what he meant, my eyes grew as big as saucers. "I want nothing to do with YOU in that manor!"

Hey what if he just wants to play twister

I cried as I spat in his face.

No you swallow like this.


"You Bitch, you'll pay for that!" Whipping the spit from his face, he backhanded me,

What I would give to see that

 leaving a stinging sensation on my cheek. "How dare you hit my wife!" Link screamed.

"With out my help!"

"Well it seems you're in no condition do anything about it." Dark Link said with humor. Then the dark being faced me again. "I will be back for you real soon." Running his hand down the side of my face again, he smiled then got up and strode to the door. "Now don't think of trying to escape."

List of movies she has to stop watching

He said with a smirk then walked out.

I can't believe I have to type this but no, here's what you have to do. first Link's throat (or stab him in the gut) but don't let him blead out. Then with is last bit of time he has left on this earth you make him watch as you rape his wife. Thus destroying him mentilly before he dies.

I looked over at Link. "What are we going to do?" "I dunno, he took my sword and I cannot break the bonds." "It seems were at Dark Link's mercy." Link said as his face faltered. "I will not concede to defeat!" I cried as I twisted forward.

Okay so this is the part where you save yourself please don't make it cheesey.

 "I don't want to either my love, but I'm at a loss on what to do." I was beginning to grow concerned. The thought of what hideous things Dark Link might do to me, sent shivers up my spine. I tried to tug at my bonds again, but to no avail. I was beginning to think that all hope was lost, when a glint of something shiny caught my eye. I peered deeper into the darkness on the other side of the room, as I pushed my self away from the wall and slinked across the floor. When I got close enough to the shining object, I realized that the glints were coming off the gems on my Phoenix Circles. It seemed that in his hast to remove our weapons, Dark Link seemingly forgot to take my Phoenix Circles with the rest of the weapons.

YOU HAD ONE JOB DARK LINK! No wait it's not his fault it's jena's for such shitty writing. FUCK YOU!

"Link look, over on that table across the room." "Its my Phoenix Circles. "I said as I leaned forward. "How do you suppose we are going to get to it?" "We're still bound." Link reminded. Looking back down at my bonds, the feeling of my cat instincts washed over me again. Gracefully, I leaned forward until my mouth met the bonds around my ankles. Slowly I took part of the rope into my mouth and begun to gnaw at it. Quickly I chewed my way threw the rope, knowing I had to make hast.

No, no i could go with the 100 new pieces of the triforce that the Links have, I could also handel all the passionate sex parts you wrote, but I will nt sit here and read about how Dark Link forgot your weapon, and how you got it by chewing your fucking bindings off. No that is fucking retarted.

I had to break my bonds before Dark Link returned.

After some work, I managed to chew through the bonds around my ankles. I got up and staggered over to the table where my Phoenix Circles where sitting. Turning around, I took one of them into my hands and worked it around until the blade was resting against the bonds around my wrists. Taking it, I slowly managed to cut threw my bonds. Putting my weapon down, I rubbed my wrists to soothe the pain from the slight wounds that came from when I tried to break the bonds.

Dumbest escape ever!

"Link I'm free." Grabbing my weapon I walked over to him. "How did you manage to break your bonds?" Link asked with shock.

What were you doing whiel she was chewing off her bonds... On her ankels

"Well I owe it all to the training I had while I was traveling."

A: what training? B: why did Link not know about this? And C: what the fuck type of training are you getting that makes you a fucking cat?

Did someone say fucking a cat?

"Now its time to break your bonds." Reaching down I placed the blade of my Phoenix Circle against the bonds on Link's ankles. Snapping the ropes off, I motioned for Link to turn around. Placing the blade against the rope, I sliced it off in one swift swipe.

How fucking weak are the bonds?

Rubbing his wrists he looked up at me with a smile on his face.        

"You're amazing my love."

Yeah, an amazingly bad writer.

 He said with a smile. I walked into Link's arms and kissed him.  Then his expression changed into a serious one. "Now we must get out of here and find the rest of our weapons before Dark Link returns."

Knowing how this story goes the master sword should be right around the corner.

 Nodding, I grabbed my Phoenix Circles, and followed Link as we slowly made our way to the door. Inching his way out the door, Link checked to see if anyone was coming. "Coast is clear, lets go." Link whispered. Slinking our way down


 the dark corridors, the echo of Dark Link's taunting voice lingered in the air. "We must hurry…this way." Link pointed towards a hallway with a light shining at the end.

Winding threw the shadows

Though, it's fucking through. Unless winding is the name of another bullshit character who enjoys throwing non physical objects, say fucking through.


Alright, clearly I need to stick around for a while.

we came upon a lighted room. Quietly Link opened the door. Peeking inside what we saw was a sight for sore eyes. There on a table sat our weapons.

He just layed them out for them? Behind a unlocked door? Best vilain ever.

Yeah Dark Link, at least make them go through a convoluted dungeon like old times. You know, back when things were actually enjoyable.

 "Oh my Goddesses…..there they are." I said as I ran inside. "Link the Master Sword is here along with our bows!" Reaching over I grabbed my bow and quiver.

TNT please be TNT. Ray no AC(lightning bolt)DC

 I swung the bow over my back,

You fail me yet again Dark Link

 then threw the quiver over my shoulder.

Oh look, she coincidentally used the correct threw.

Then I grabbed the Master Sword, his bow and quiver and handed them over to Link.

Because the great and legendary hero of time is incapable of picking things up on his own. It's not like it matters Link's Queen, either way he's gonna hold what he gets over his head for a few seconds.

Link took the sword and buckled it over his back then swung his bow and quiver over his shoulder.

It's not like he would want to have that ready or anything.

Unfastening the sword, Link removed it from its sheath.

Heh, sheath... I've been reviewing too much erotica.

He took the sword and swung it threw the air,

Why it's not his first time with the master sword.

listening to the rushing sound it made as though it was cutting the air like a knife threw butter.

Or like a sword through air.

"I'm just glad to have my sword back." Link said as he swung it one last time before sheathing it.

Hey, it's called docking and holy fucking shit, that's something I'm a little disappointed in myself for knowing. Damn you Retributionists, damn you!

 "Now lets get the hell out of here." Just then the door swung open.

Jimmy John's.

"Going somewhere?"


There in the doorway stood

Plot twist, It's Bowser.

Wet Bowser or Dry Bowser?

 Dark Link. "I thought I told you two to stay put!"

Well I thought Link's Queen would take Dark Link seriously. I mean honestly, he's made in the image of her fucking idol, you'd think he would be a little more menacing.

See Dark Link If you would have listend to me they would both be dead.

An evil sneer crossed Dark Link's face as he eyed us over. "I don't take orders from the likes of you!" Link sneered back. "You will be after I'm finished with you."


Just then Dark Link drew a sword with a


remarkably likeness to the

And it's that time agian for the dick list

 Master Sword. At that point, with Dark Link holding a sword just like the Master Sword, I begun to think that this is one battle Link would not win alone.

Really, because he has beaten him before.

Drawling my Phoenix Circles I made a daring charge at Dark Link.


 Feeling my cat like instincts kick in, I jumped gracefully into the air, aiming my weapons directly at his face. Just before I managed to strike, Dark Link raised his sword and blocked my weapon causing a clank of metal and sparks to fill into the air. Falling back, I swiftly rushed forward and high kicked Dark Link in the face, causing him to go flying back into a wall. Staggering back up, his face twisted into an evil grin. "So…you want to play rough do you?" He said wiping the blood from his mouth. "I can show you just how rough I can play!"

 A flash of white light surrounded the room, causing Link and I to be blinded. I felt myself being lifted into the air, as if someone was carrying me. I heard Dark Link's sinister laugh ring threw my ears then all went black.

Wow she even makes the fight scenes as boring as the sex.

With unblinking eyes I stared into the blackness of the room I was in. Cold water shifted around my ankles as I walked around. Pushing my way threw the darkness, I listened for any sounds that might be my love Link. "LINK…Link where are you my love?!" "Link are you there?" I cried out into the darkness,

Please find his head, Just his bloody head. That would be great.

 but all there was, was silence. Continuing to move forward, I finally found myself standing in front of a strange tree.


 Looking up at it, it looked twisted and ugly, as if it was a tortured soul. Its twisted branches stretched out like clawed fingers, as if it was trying to grab something. Backing up, the cold water brushed up against my legs, causing a cold chill to run up my back.

Just then a chilling laugh pierced the darkness.


Looking back towards the tree, a black figure slinked out from behind it.

That better be Dark Link

 It's chilling blood red eyes sending a chill deep into my soul. "Dark Link

Good for a seconed i thought Ray was right about the Dark Jenna.

…where the hell am I and where is Link!?" I sneered raising my Phoenix Circles up in front of me. Snapping his fingers a sudden light filled the room, lighting up the surroundings. A sudden shock ran threw me. "Oh…my Goddesses…is this the strange room Link described where he first met his counter part?" Then something caught my eye. Looking over my shoulder, there bound to the wall over the way out, was Link.

Dammit why is it that the bad guys never kill their prisoners

 "OH MY GODDESSES…LINK!" I cried clopping

I feel like she is trying to tell us she is a clopper.

my hands over my mouth. "What the hell have you done to him you bastard!?" "I told you earlier…if you want to play rough, I will show you just how rough I can play!" An evil glint rose in Dark Link's eyes, the flame of hatred flicking in them. "If you want to save your love; then you must defeat me." Eyeing him, I poised into a fighting stance, placing my Phoenix Circles up in front of me. I knew I was in for a long battle.

And I have a long story

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