Review #62

The Petals Fall Twice

Story by Chip Zdarsky

Review by Ray

This is page 143 of a book that doesn't exist, and it's the only page we need to know that it's probably for the best if it never does. Here's The Petals Fall Twice.

She slowly licked and tickled his peeny,

Greatest start to a story 10 out of 10.

and because she was so smart, combined the words in her head, like an expression explorer of old.

Is this supposed to be poetry?

Slickled, she thought. I'm slickling his peeny.

Fuck it, I’m gonna play Minecraft, you do this.

I think that’s a new record for least fucks given.

No matter how brilliant her wordplay,

I mean, compared to the author’s wordplay.

the result was the same. Gary's peeny was now erect.

The way the author is saying peeny instead of penis makes me believe she’s sucking off a kid.

 It felt like a quality bar of peeny-scented soap in her hands.

Has she ever touched a dick before?

I don’t think she’s interacted with a human before. And welcome back to the review.

Remember our policy, zero fucks.

Without warning she gave it a swift headbutt, because men liked that.

I don’t like that.

All men liked that.

As a men I am offended by that.

Clearly neither of you have been headbutted before.

"Phwoa, Melinda. That's the good stuff. That's the stuff that makes me forget about my problems."

Melissa derived satisfaction from this comment, despite the mangled pronunciation of her name. She could feel her horny levels rising to 30% and her hooha was getting right slimy with anticipation of participation.

Peeny, hooha, these are the edgy terms that everyone wants to use but nobody has had the bravery until now.

They sound like something you’d read in a Dr. Suess porno.

"Gary, me need sex now inside please." Damn! Melissa thought. I wish there was a better way to say that!

Sounds perfect to me, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

Gary was only too eager to comply. He wrenched his peeny away from Melissa's grubby paws

So I have a theory about this story, bear with me. I’m pretty sure Melissa is a cat. Not even a very personified cat, just a smarter than average cat. It explains her poor English skills, her rubbing her head against things, and her grubby paws.

and thrust inside her hooha with a thunderous orgasm.

Brings a whole new meaning to one and done.

She was pregnant, but that could be dealt with in the morning, provided she was still alive.


"Outstanding stuff, Melanie," Gary chortled. "I know I could just go to sleep now, but I would like to continue satisfying you, sans peeny.

Was his penis talking?

I don’t… maybe? Sans peeny is an incredibly pretentious way to say without penis.

" Gary nudged downward and his peeny was nowhere to be seen.

"What in have you mind eeeeeee?"

"Just sit back and relax, kitty cat."

See? She’s a fucking cat, it all makes sense.

Melissa did just that , falling back onto the bed and stretching her "perfect 7" body,

Isn’t ten perfect? Isn’t that the whole point of having the scale? It’s an arbitrary measurement in the first place, but if you plan on using it then at least use it correctly.

eager for Gary's attention. He started working his magic immediately and she felt an all too familiar heat rising from her breast. Gary was crouched over top and pooping all over her unbelievably average body.


"Gary, so stinky."

"That's just the poop, baby. Let it just work its magic."


"I... I can't see anything."

"that's because you're blind now, Mildred."



Yeah, that pretty much sums it up, it’s just… huh.

You find the most weirdest shit for us to review Ray.

Just wait until we get to The Bloodninja Chronicles.