Review #60


Story by Xxxxemo4everxxxX

Review by Ray

For the record I felt we could use Hentai Man’s help on this one, but since he and Martin are still busy constructing my nightmares, he’s currently unavailable.

At least you have me.

Dis is mah storee dunt flam it k?

And just like that you lost me.

i know dis isnt very good atm

Then why the fuck did you post it? I feel like she knew at some point we would find this.

Of course she did, have you seen her username? Xxxxemo4everxxxX, if this isn’t Raven then Raven doesn’t exist.

but i wil ficks it l8er!

Or delete the story and let people repost it, whichever.

(AN. me adn Crow worked rly hard on dis)

Crow? Wait a minute, you cannot fool us like that Tara! First you ruin Harry Potter, now you ruin all of my anime? I loath you…

Well, to be fair I still think Tara is done. But Raven, or Crow, definitely could’ve taken in a new pupil.



Yeah, this one is so poorly written that it’s painful, get used to it.

Called Nicole frum accross da classrum.

This is worse than My Immortal.

You weren’t there man, you don’t know!

"Omg hay, Cola!11"

It’s a good drink and all, but…

said da ofer and mai frends are kool and goffik


and we stuk our middle fingures up at dem.

You’re an asshole, there’s no other way I can put this.

She’s also ripping off My Immortal. who the hell rips off My Immortal?

"SO GURLZ WUT U WANNA DO 2DAY?11" said Cow passivly. (DIS IZ ME!)

You’re a cow, really…

"noffing much" replied Bird.

That is a damn lie, I’ve read this and they’re doing everything today.

Dude, spoilers!

You want spoilers? This is Tara meets Hans Von Hozel meets Google Translate Confuckulation; there is no hope.

"BURD IS THA WORD!11" Shouted Chicken.


"Shut up you idirots.

If you can’t spell idiots, don’t be cocky about it.

We r ment 2 be kool and goffik. lets act it." gruntedly Raven


in a deppressed voice.

Lihtg (AN. from da anime Deaf Note.)

No, you spelled his name and even his anime wrong. Sadface. Such sad.

took out is magicalsz sparkles wadn

Does he have one of those?

He has a notebook that kills people.

and killed L and Edwarty Kurren.

So the main part of Death Note, or at least the first season, is that he couldn’t kill L because he didn’t know his real name.

And Edward Cullen is still alive because she misspelled the hell out of it.

Dammit, you had one job Light.

adn den went to our skool bcuz he wanted 2 learn in Engrand

 Impossibru Guy - engrand

(we liv in Englanfd)

Where the fuck is Englanfd? I know I failed geography but I don’t remember Englanfd.

Well get a globe, it’s right between Austalifa and ‘Muricfa.

Russia, China, JaroaN, Ichigog, Kanji and Pukia

So we’ve Hetalia, Bleach, and I don’t know if that Pukia is supposed to be Rukia or Pikachu.

I feel like this could’ve been a lot more clear by listing the people named after countries second, instead of listing them first and giving me the impression that they were literally the countries.

were w8ing outside tha gaet. I sekritly

Warnuts was trying to read this out loud, and pronounced that Skrillex.

It’s fucking close enough, can you tell the difference?

liked China and my frend, Crow likked Rukia (she is a lesbo nigga dont like it gtfo).

A couple of things. I noticed there’s there’s a lot of fanfiction about Rukia and Ichigo, so clearly not a lesbian.

At least not in the fanon.

Get your fancy words out of here. Second point, she’s basically white, not even close to black.


A two. How the fuck a two, why the fuck a two, two two fuck two two!

dey shuted wen dey saw us.

I would shoot you too.

and den da sky opened up above us adn dis HOOGE thing came out from da skie.

Isn’t the sky already, you know, open?


That is one of my all time favorite animes, would you please stop fucking with it?

Kenji and Fukia

Fukia you too.

all took dees drugs or somefing

Or something. You know, before you unleash your hellspawn upon the world you might want to get the details straight.

and turned invisible.

Those must be some incredible drugs, or something.


At least she got his name right.

took out his big thingy

Oh fuck you. I can’t believe I have to ask this, but are you talking about his dick or his zanpakuto?

and defeted the mostntw thingy.

It was his dick.

it then turned to dust. The monster had hid Crow and Rukia ran over to her adn they both blushed.


"OMFG NOOOOO!111" creamed someone

Well we escalated rather quickly from blushing to creaming.

behid us it was Edwardz girlfriend BELLUR SWACK!11

Granted I fuckinng hated Twilight, but could you at least learn to spell her name right?

Yeah, you tell her Walnuts.

That’s it; find me a gif of someone beating the shit out of someone.

What if I say no?

Then I’ll make you find a more violent one.



She took out a knige and walked towards Light. who took out his Sparkle Wand and killed Bellur.


Crow scrome

I’m pretty sure emo4ever honestly thinks scrome is the past tense of scream.

and Tukis gabbed her protectivly. Bird (ME!1)

Zero shame. If you’re in a story you don’t typically announce it unless it actually is a story about you. I’d call her a Mary Sue, but there’s too little character to tell. And that’s a first.

stared codly


at the scene infont of meh. Brik walked ovur to Bellars body and nudged it with his foot.


This is officially the bitch who wrote this story, there’s no way around it. and when I have to use a meme to bring in logic that’s sad.

Lightoe had gon awyah.


I can tell you for a fact I didn’t.

It’s not as long, but you were right Warnuts; it’s worse than My Immortal. It's also not the first story we've reviewed that was worse, but this is the first one to make me admit it.

Revioew plz.

We are.


Feels like we skipped a few chapters.

Ichihog adn Gukia

Don’t bother Walnuts, if we spend all our time bitching about the names we won’t have time for anything else.

There is nothing else in this story, it’s bad spelling of names and that’s it.

What? This story is full of stuff. Not good stuff, not even stuff that can be defined within the terms of reality, but stuff.

were wankling

No wankin’ in public.

awae adn Cow ran up to dem and sed fanks for fisting her.

Well… at least she’s polite.

(dey were at her house 'cause it was a party)

One hell of a party.

and then we all herd Tamacars cat cumming behind us (it wuz a garden farty)

Because that totally justifies the previous statement.

his car was accross the road and as he walked towards us a FLYING PIG, hit him.

Flying pigs? That means I can stay up past midnight!

and den we saw da eval witch Harrahe Fudgeshitoka

What was she trying to spell?!

waving her arms around and den a rock flyed out from da skie and hit him.

Random occurrences should be used to create conflict, not alleviate it. But in this case it’s just one random event after another with nothing in between.

Harrahe den got into a car and ran him over. "OMG HARIHU, LOOK OUT!1" we all scrome as a plaen came and landed on Haruhis car and killed him.

" just happened?" said me.

My thoughts exactly.

Pissy (from Pokemanz)



warkled over to Veoky and hugged him "OMG LETS GET ABCK TO THE PART GAIS!1" "OMG YES!" said Frow.

“OMG no” said everyone reading.

adn we carried on the party. I facked hume

You facked who?

I hope they used protection.

I hope they didn’t and she gets a sexually transmitted holocaust in her cunt.

alone wit China bcuz we livved ner eachofer.

Because? That word implied one thing is leading into another, and there is no continuity in this.

Unless they’re making progress, but, they’re not.

a big thing came out of da skie and attaked us.


Hentai Man, stop with the tentacle attacks.

China protected me adn then Ichigo came holding his big thingy and cummed and killed that monster.

Told you it was his dick.

"OMG THANK U!" a cried.

I’m only crying because I have to read this shit.

Chinman was hurt adn he waved his Azn wand and headled himself. (it had lead in it) and it hurt him but he waz all better.

This story is full of fuck.

This story is fuck.




Stop giving us reasons to.

"Ichigo!" Sed Tukia. Edwind (frum Full Metail Alchemist) wuas beating up Ichigo because he had ginger hair and called him short.

But Edwin’s brother had ginger hair…


Chantie, I’m so sorry for you.

said "Omg u guys suck! Stup beating up Ichpoh"

Ichigo is the only motherfucker who caught bombs, punched them through his enemy’s face, taunted him, and said “if you’re not going to use your tongue it’s mine” followed by ripping said tongue out of his face. Spell his fucking name right.

But they had already killed him. (OMG that bastard is finally ded!)

Which bastard?

That short little fuckin’ alchemist better be dead.

Rukiar cried. "NUUU!" and den she was all "DARNCE SODE NO SHIRAY-ect"

So what’s this bullshitery?

It’s how she releases her sword, but it’s wrong. Of course.

and tried to kill Edwart but Alphart got in da way and she stopped.

You just have to smear the symbols on his armor, Albert can’t stop shit.

Verokey, Burd and Corw saw and were cring. But i wusnt bcuz i hate Ichigo.

Then why the fuck was he in your story and saving you like twelve times?

"LETS GO DO STUFF WITH VOLCALOIDS!1" said Owlwind suddenly said.

What the fuck are they?

I’d also love to know, but…

"WTF IS A VOLCALOID?" I sed (no srsly. wtf.) "LETS READ HENTAI MANGA INSTED" I saided.

You’re shitting me.

Nope, we completely skip over the potentially interesting thing and go jerk off instead.

Veoky isnt a pedo like us

You say that like being a pedo is a good thing…

so he said no and went home. Me, Chaowlwi adn Bird all went to read yaoi and yuri and stuff.

And stuff? What, like futarian?

We met up wit China and the other losers and went to eat pizza.

Instead of the valcafuckers or hentai? Fine, whatever, go off on your infinite tangents.

(no one els is az important as China, amirite.)

Well you just called her a loser, so you’re wrong one way or another.

we saw Edwimp and Alphone while we were walking there and we bought them along with pizza for us.


Me Owlint and Stabird went to a book shop to buy sex mangas. and then we saw JACON FACK in da porn section and we creamed.

Who’s Jacon Fack? The less I know about your fetishes the better bitch.

I could stand to hear more, but that’s just my morbid curiousity.

i nudged a bookshelf adn all da fikks came and laneded on him.

You creamed and then tried to murder him with book?

Edwarty stabbed and killed him. "Omg finally Jacob Black is ded!11"

Is this supposed to be the Jacob from Twilight?


Stp saying mad tings about da strooeis.



Hey Warnuts, let’s flame this.

Now we sound gay, thanks.

Like this is the first time we’ve looked gay in one of these.

Aster Edqsrd

Ed… Edward? Is this Edward from Twilight or from Full Metal Alchemist? Pick one.

adn Alphones had killed Ichigo (fin Insane der u go) Crow (WAIT OMG. I TINK U MITE HAV A CARACTUR Crow i think)

Does the writer also not know what’s happening?

was rugging away fro, the Samrai Pissa Carts Spedy, Poly and Guideo were casing er and Veoky.

Oh my fuck, that looks like an experpt from Finnegan's Wake.

Ligt wrote down there names in da Deaf Note and waving his wadn and hey died. Clouf (frum Finale Fantosy) was groping Owlwind and then Axel (frum Kinddung harts) came in and saw them and Axel wuz all "GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY WOMAN!1"

But I thought Cloud’s girlfriend… oh fuck it.

Owlint has dark blu solder lenf hair, a small green skit, green boots and a red messager hat.

I don’t give that many fucks about what characters are wearing when it’s described in actual English, why would this matter to me?

She is a stubborn rude ass adn Clound and Axle are bof in love wit her.

Sure, I’m gonna stop caring about what this bitch writes.

Rushai wuz all "OMG I WIL STALK YOU!1" to Chinar because he is cute. and Veoky who looks like a male verzon of Amy Winehouse

What is everyone’s obsession with Amy Winehouse?

Also, who is Amy Winehouse?

Tatted up crack whore.

You’ll need to be a lot more specific, to the Google!


Ah, alright, I know a song or two. Now if only Google could explain what’s happening in this story.

Let’s at least try it.


Well shit.


Wait, Hentai Man, come back! Help us!

wuz getting piced on.


Then Pisty cae, and threw her balls at the pepul who were picking on him.

Okay, let’s break this down. Then Pisty cae, that was probably meant to be then Pisty came, which was supposed to be then Misty came. Her balls were probably supposed to be pokeballs, probably. The rest is pointless and stupid, but nonetheless self explanatory.

Me and Crow both look awesome and therefore dont need a description.

Yes, Warnuts forbid something interesting should happen.

I got this one, “On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway.”

Axel and Clown were both figteing ovur Owlwind bcuz she is sexy. and then Edwartr came in wit his shit off. and told them to stfu and then Cloud wuz all 'OMG SHORTIE!' and Edwring was all "OMG I WILL KILL U FOR THAT!11" and he punched Cloud and then Alphone came and told Edwimp to stop.

Who the fuck are half these people? I know one guy, that’s it.


Watch your damn language you cunt knocker.

Fukin’ kids these days.


I don’t want any of your kisses.

Obomba and Hialarry were out nuking wales

Fun fact, Warnuts, Hent, and I all worked on a chemistry assignment which we title Project Nuke the Whales. And surprisingly, we all passed the class.

Nuke the whales, because you gotta nuke something.

and pandos

Not Snuffles!

bcuz dey suck.

Damn pussy bears.

and den Birr Krintoe wuz all "YOU BASTARDS STUP KILLIN WAILS." Adn he threw Alpoarnts hed at dem and it bloo up!1

So umm… we Googled Alpoarnts… Xxxxemo4everxxxX is also an artist…

 ALPHONE by Xxxxemo4everxxxX

Next time on the Retributionists… this is, is probably getting reviewed.

den Obomar got on his magikal unicorn and flyed awae.

Full of win.

I think there’s too much win.

Edwaryu strated chasign him (iek Starzz ecpety Strazz haz a big long metal ting)

So many things wrong, what to choose? First of all, you don’t need to drawe an allusion for chasing, we know how that works. Second, English motherfucker. Third, big and long are two words that shouldn’t be next to each other if you don’t want us snickering.

I swear to me, we’re all adults here.

Edwrat den shot a canbon at him

A what now?

while Bill wuz shuting at Hirraly. Sebartian den came and threw ferks at Obamas unicon and kirred itl.

I may not understand canbons, but I think I know what the ferk a ferk is.

Obamra den falled off and brok his arm.

You mean he…

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■


Barrack, his arm?


Oh, so that’s what you’re into.

Says the guy who fucks my cat.

You’re just mad because you don’t get any pussy.


Brick (frum Opkermans) den gut out hiz aid kite and fixed his amr.

His grammar? Because no he fucking didn’t.

I’m trying to figure out… it’s Brock, from Pokémon! How do you fuck up that badly on your spelling, come on.

Obamr den tuld a judge ti put Edtwat, Alponey adn Bill Crinton in prizun bcuz dey had hurt him.

Checks and balances at their finest.

THEN Clown and Axle were also put in prizun bcuz they had fighted eachofer bcuz dey both loved ChatOwlwin.

Is everyone ready for some breathtaking news? This actually develops into somewhat of a plot.


Irony Man

So fitting.

wuz flying arund after Spindaman

Slenderman and Spiderman?

They had a baby!

and Barkman

Batman and a dog?

They had… oh…

cuz dey stole his marsk and he warnted it back so he was FIRING HIS LAZOR


at then and then one of them hit Owllint and then Clounf and Pixle beated up Irony man bcuz he had hurt der love. a mango then came warking up bhind Curtrow and she HAETS pandas so she scrome and ran awae frum it and cried in a cronder.

Where do we start with this one?

The mango seems like a good place. Is Mango a person? Did he do a sketch on Saturday Night Live with Christopher Walken?


Why are there pandas? I thought they were all nuked. Clinton didn’t tell them to stop nuking whales and pandas, he just told them to stop nuking whales.

Also, she saw a mango and hates pandas; these two things put together are what caused her to scream. Why?

No, she scrome. Another problem. And dafuq is a cronder?

And assuming she meant corner, are we even in a setting yet? How do we know there even are corners?

CHAPRAT 6!1 XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX



ranned up to Cow adn sed "my must rape Edwind, Alphone, Clown and Acle!

The fuck is (s)he into?

Or else u wont be my breast frend anymaor!"

Well shit, I enjoy some breast friends every now and then.

Cow nodded and called to me. we den called to Carslide and he came ovur to help us decide on a pan to save dem.

Save them via rape, sounds like a plan by Hentai Man if I ever saw one.

Oh my god, this story was written by Hentai Man. The fact that he didn’t throw any images into it is amazing.

We decided we wud steal monay to bail dem out so we tried 2 robb a bank and we got a bit of money but it wusnt enough

What bank did you rob?



den Carlsides wifey,

Such a dumb word, but that’s right around problem number four thousand in this story.

Semi came and helped us wit da plan and kirred da garurdes and stuff so we culd steal the money.

This isn’t a story. This is a bunch of kids going on an imaginary adventure during recess and the author writing it down afterwards.

den wun dae as Carslide and Semi were driving hume dey got hid by anoder car

See, hide and seek, this is the youngest author we’ve had.

and hell off a clife and dyed.

Kenji (frum Breach)

Just… enough. I don’t know if there’s anything else I can say.

got out his big thingie

Just fucking write sword, is it that hard to spell?

Well there is the silent W, so she’d probably spell it .jfbn, bfzd/.

It’d still be better, she clearly doesn’t give a shit about Bleach, Kenji, Ichigo.

and went inside Rukia to talk to her.

Yes, a name!

Cow and me were loling at somefing adn den a pando came pup behind Cow and she creamed (SHE HATES PANFAAS)

And apparently she has a hate fetish.

and ran awae behid China. "OMG YOU SRE SCRAYED OF PANDAS?" she asked

No, she fucking loves them.

Well she did cream.

"yes." sed Crow. he gagged her adn she hugged back.

Yeah that sentence just gave me cancer.

Cow has den trying to stop himself frum looking so embbarsed bcuz he got scrayed by a mango and Chin hugged her.


Forky adn Missy were in da secret mating plaec

Forky… I got nothing. Nothing. There’s no possible name that could be mistaken as Forky.

and den Cow, Beuki, China, Russia, Jenji, Palkia and me were all der.

Damn right they’re der.

Me adn Toris got up and tuld dem dat Carslide was ded. we den decided ewe wuld break Clown,Axle, Edwat and Alphat out of da prisun.



We don’t.

CHAPTER 7!1 XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX Veoky, Owlring, Dung, and me are graguwating frum skool

I doubt it, but did I seriously read that there was a character called Dung?

but we hav 2 save Edwring, Alhome, CLoonf and Axler.

I want to say the list of people they have to save is constantly changing, and it probably is, but this is so chaotic that I don’t even know anymore.

we decided 2 talk to Obamass

It’s funny ‘cause ass.

to set dem free so we went to the blackhuse


and assed if dey cud be set free and Oboma sed "OMG NU WAII!1

Yes, that is exactly how the president speaks, congratulations.


I’m just gonna drink my Dr. Pepper and pretend I didn’t read that.

This episode sponsored by Dr. Pepper.

Ray, they never agreed to that.

Yeah, but when they see this they’ll think, “Oh, we must have made a mistake, here’s all of those monies we owed you.”

Is that why you made the page say we’re sponsored by Google?

Trust me, that’s exactly how it works.

and he got in his magikal Unihorny

A shoutout to the cloppers?

and rieded it into da sunset.

I hope you go blind.

And I hope she develops a case of Broca’s aphasia so that people actually realize she makes no sense.

We den decided 2 get Kiddo and Marka (fum Suol Mater)


and we made dem help us rescue da oferas.

*Others, you stupid cow. Or crow, whatever the fuck you are in this sentence.

Grimlow, Uqillooarra, and Luppi

*Grimjow, ulquiorra. And of all the arrancars names you get right you get Luppi? HE IS THE WEAKEST OF THEM! HE GETS MENTIONED IN TWO EPISODES AND THEN IS KILLED… BY GRIMJOW OF ALL PEOPLE!

 were alsos der adn Turd wuz all "OMG" at Luppi

Is Turd just Dung’s nickname?

bcuz he is kawaaii.



we den decided we wud break dem out of prisun but it was a long way away so we

“Gave up, the end.”

had to walk troo da FOTEST UF SEKRITS.

Could you have meant the Forbidden Forest? You know, the one where Enoby lost her virility to Darco?

and dere were trools and faries and we were all 3gether

bf n gf were siting at a tabel

dey were haeving conversatein.

da gurl sed 2 da boy "bbzz will u luv me 4ever?"

boy said "NO..."

girl was sad

she ran away n cyed

she triped over a chair.

she was DED.

boy ran over to pik up her bodey

he whisperd in her eat "i meant to say... ill love uou 5ever."

dat meen he luv her moar dan 4ever.

I guess what I’m trying to say by quoting this little anecdote, is that maybe 3gether is just a way to say the three of them are really good friends. Really good friends with terrible grammar.

I wuz with Luppi adn Cow wuz clinging to Chinas arm

And there are four of them, not three.


(if u culdnt tell Cow/ Insanity is in luv with China)

It’s probably been mentioned, but here’s the problem; I don’t give enough fucks to remember anything about this story for more than a paragraph, because the author doesn’t either.

Az we were walking troo da fooroest a badger came out of da bushes

That’s a sexual innuendo if I ever heard one.


Ah, one of the first YouTube videos I ever saw. And I was reminded of it by Raspephabio; I’ve come a long way.

and Cow scrome bcuz she hates pandos.

That time it actually kind of makes sense, badgers and pandas are coloured similarly. Mangos and pandas on the other hand…

Grimmjow took uf his shit so he wuz shitless adn Maka and Rukia were walking together and tarking quietly.

You kinda skipped some stuff.

Kiffo wuz scromingg bcuz ddere wuz no symmertry in da forest

So it is supposed to be Death the Kid. Question, why didn’t Maka bring Soul Eater? And why didn’t Death the Kid bring Liz and Patty.

so Quilliptus knocked him out and carried him awaie.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX I HOP U LIKED DIS CHAPRTER!1

I’d like to dis this chapter, so flame on!



CHAPTER 8. Dis Chopter mite be scraay 4 childrne bcuz it has da Pefobear.



+We dicem to go to sleep bcuz Edwradn and da ofets arnt important.

Are any of the characters important? If you’re going to have such a huge cast, at least give us a reason to remember it.

but Owlingh wuz all "OMG NU!2 WE HAVE TO SAEV CLON!11 "

Who’s Clon? Is he a new character that got put in jail?

But we werre tite so we sed moe. as we were sleping da PEFODEAR!11

came adn kidnapped Owlint adn we ddnt know bcuz we were sleeping.

Then how did you know it happened? First grade writing knowledge, if they get kidnapped while you’re sleeping you just wake up and don’t find them.

we we wok up we saw dat Owlitgn wuz gone

That hard? Just that last sentence and you would’ve been done.

and den Chinas panda came and sniffed around and sed something to China (he can spek mango)

…Is that supposed to be Mandarin?


Fuck, you’re right. I’m just so disappointed.


How do you know? Do you know the smell of a pedobear? How do you know she wasn’t willing?

Amazing, this writer is entirely egocentric. Something pretty much only present in people under the age of twelve. It’s all making more and more sense.

he scrome and den Veoky wuz wearing a pinjk dress and wuz all "OMFG. OWLWIND WUZ KIDNNAPEED!2? $/22?/!1"

Fuck you.

We decided to look for Owlgroin

Fuck all of you, that’s hilarious.

My only question is, why do so many of these writers we review sexualize owls? First Tara turned Hedwig into a human who had sex with Snap, then there was the Postmaster General which I barely remember where all of Hogwarts was lusting after Hedwig, I’m pretty sure the Horny Rooster and the Hard Raven must’ve had an owl in it somewhere, and now, Owlgroin.

bcuz she wuz our frnad.

Bless you?

we then saw her tied too a treee

Please tell me she’s getting her dick sucked by that tree, I’m still not over that Jurassic Park fanfiction.

and a beer

Budweiser, Samuel Adams, Guinness?

wuz neckt to her


adn she wuz criyng.

I would too, you can’t exactly drink your beer if you’re tied to a tree.

China, Jenji

Warnuts… Warnuts! Shoving your middle finger into the screen does nothing, you have to Google it.

Too angry, make fingers happen!

adn Tootia

So much rage, so much.

went and beated up da EVAL BEAR

Yeah, that pedobear is disgusting. This friendly bear I just met though, he seems like a real stand up guy.


and saeved Owling. we den saw a little girl named Resime Curren adn Cow hates children bcuz she sucks and killed it.

Are we gonna start reading about a stolen sweater now?

I’m still not letting Martin into another review until he gives back my Green Day poster.

and everyone wuz like "OMFG CUN WUT IS RONG WIT U?.?/,?1


HOE DARE U KIL A CHILD" and Cow wuz all "I hate children you bastards."

Why are they the bastards, you killed a child!

*Late term aborted

Plus, she’s a child! Pedobear kidnapped her!

and they Gassed and den Cow runned away. Chinar followed him into da forest. We den buryed da child Cow had killed

Wait a minute, basic human decency? Remembering something from more than one sentence ago? At least we’re making progress.

and decided nut 2 lok for da EVAL MUDERER

That you followed into the forest.

and her Azn friend so we warked off.


You terroristical bastard.


So we were warkling through da foorest


dat had big treez and a little stream ruggin trough it.

Go take an English class, and try this again.

and i missed Cow but he ran off bcuz he sucks.

Is Cow a dude or a chick?

I don’t know, I need some context in this story!

but he probably doesnt even car

Bro, do you even car?

bcuz China followed him. Creo wuz shitting in a cave

Alright, I see the next spinoff we’re reading. We already have The Time I Took a Shit and Shtting Off a Boat, now we have Shitting in a Cave.

to hide frum China bcuz he doenst wunt to beeeeeeee near hum. but Chinar founded him and den he hugged her adn Cow blushed. and den DA POPE came out of da skie and smelled at dem

Must be one stinky shit if he smelled it all the way from the Vatican, thought it was an unholy abomination in need of a miracle, and stuck his head in the sky.


Okay A, dafuq does that mean? And did the pope just say Jesus Christ?

Well sure, but since you’re God and I’m a saint, clearly the church has changed a little.

omg you are so rong in da head, Jessica!11!" Cow crunged at hearing her rea; name bcuz she hates ut.

Well I hate you too. If I could smite you I would.

And seriously, how much do you hate your name if you prefer Cow?

and den China rooked at her and blashed. da Pope den got out his stick and waved it around and stabbed da floor with it.


and sed "U ALSO KILLED A CHILD?/!1!1"

Little late on that one Pope.


Worst pope ever!

Best pope ever.

Cow sed nothing but China asked him nut to and told him dat the child wuz a vampire.


Me adn da others suddenly sed "OMG WE SHUD GO LOOK FOR COW AND CHINAOKTHX"

Alright, how many virgins do I have to sacrifice to fix this shit?


Warnuts, the color blue, and the god of White Tiles.

Ass. One Justin Bieber would also work.

Sweet, two birds one stone.

so we den went back and went to find dem. we den found them in a cave with some guy in white clothes stabing above dem.


OMG SURRY GURTS I WUZ AWAE 4 A WHIEL 3 XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

Hey Critiquecast, bet’cha couldn’t even touch a story like this. Complaining about syntax, mere child’s play when you’re dealing with something of this caliber.

I’d like a fifty caliber please, right now, to the head.

Dey den sawed dat da guy avou denis wuz da Poe3p and dey deb scrome and she trunted aroumd adn rooked at dem and smelled and dey farted.

Ray break that down for me.

Okay, so they went into a cave and saw Denis. Above Denis was the pope. Deb, whoever the hell that is, was scared by the pope and screamed. Deb must not have been scared by the pope however, because she then turned around towards Denis and the pope. She smelled, which was unfortunate because after she smelled they farted, which is just plain rude.

kampida maruyu kaite chick yuumb romane dye aiet adn dey licked it and had some cock and licked it.

Worst sex scene ever, and that’s saying something.

avftea da roman deyu den went off 2 go rook 4 Edwazurd, ALphone, Clod and Assix. dey watted awaye barck intu da foorest. China wuz blashing and den a BERSAT came our intfon of dem and den SWITSERLAND came out and shot it bcuz he is awesome.

I’m done, I’m done, not reading anymore. Why people, why can’t you learn to type? Get a life, and that’s coming from me, I review fanfiction on the internet.

den da bear got agnry and stareed attarcking us. and he hit Eqwuilliajfd

You fucking tried, you tried and you know it you queefcicle.

and kirred ihm. and den COLORNE MUSTSTAB

Colonel Mustard?!

He wrote it on the school’s computer with a Raven!

came out of da booshes scroming someting about da bur being a DEAMEN and den Switzerland wuz all "HET OTJ ONNG HER!1 HE WUKL KILLD A BEAR!11" so we ranned off.

Raoy MNustst


den put on his groves and burnd saa Braur da Breast wuz named Akabuto. and den OMABA came out of da skie on a magic DRAGQUEEN

A, so much win in that, B, fuck you.

Drag queens are the best mounts.


Warnuts, come back! Warnuts!

No, it’s total bullshit and I wanna go home!

and he ranned off. five sex latert

Two and a half minutes?

Edwrart wuz standing infrunt of us an den he saw Raoy

Ray, what are you doing in here! Oh my me, you wrote this just to torture me didn’t you?

What makes you think I can write bad fanfiction?

And I quote, “me and darco take of eech odderz cloves nd mak out nd them pu his thinggie in my yu-knowhat and we did it 4 evah and den i wnt bak2 mi cofin an wen 2 sleep and wen i wok up it wuz da next dayu and wqent to da mcr consrt wif my bf vampire.”

and ranned up 2 hug him.

chaopet 11 bcuz i culdbnt wait!11

To torture us some more?


SO DEN WITH EQUCORRA DED Yaoi Lasagne burned his budy and den dey warrked off 2 save Alphart and da others.

My brain refuses to process this terrible spelling. I can only read it as, “So then with Equestria dead, gay Japanese porn lasagna burned his buddy and then they wanked off to save Alfred and the others.”

Raoy adn Edwind warked off sumwhere and den Roy sed "Edwart I luv u." and he kissed Edwantd and den dey had sex.

Edward and Raoy were back wit da rest uf da groop again.

What’s the point of having a sex scene if you’re not going to make them fuck? I’m not asking for full details, but it should at least happen.

de grup den set uf agen bcuz dey had 2 find da offetrs quackly.

The dog says, “Bark!”

The sheep says, “Baa!”

The Warnuts’ mother says, “Moo!”

The shitty writer says, “Quackly!”

The fox says,


and den dey saw LEGOS,

If only everything was awesome in this story too.

Mopo and Fat adn Smeargle (frum Lard of da Pings)

Three of the best movies I’ve seen in a good while, and you’re fucking it up.

Lerdolass also had his frands, Happy, Hemrinon and Boob. (frum Fappy Pooter)

I would be way more pissed off it that wasn’t hilarious.

and den Winear came fum rund da trees and hagged Edwart. Obama saw dis and got agnry den shuted "BROOKLYN RAGE" and put Raoy and Winry in prisun.

Who and who and why?

and den Edward got agnry den warked off in to da furest. we decided nut 2 look 4 him bcuz he is men.

Is it maybe supposed to be “Because he is a man” or “Because he is mad”? Because either way you failed.

Obama forroed Edwad and den raped him.

Well that escalated… about actually as fast as I thought it would in this story.

China and Cunt

I like this new character.

The only problem is that we have no way of insulting her.

nwertr sitting neckt 2 eachother and I wuz shitting neckt to Luppi.

This was written by Hentai Man. Out of all the anime characters you could shit by, you shit by the one with tentacles.

and we were all arund a crapfire.

Alright writer, that one was on purpose.

Wouldn’t surprise me.

and den Legoras sed he herd Orkes cumming

Go on…

Ork orgy!

adn he tuld us 2 run.


Please stop being inspired.



Would you like to retry that one?

Legolaass shooted hiz arows at dem adn kirred dembut Cow gut hut bcuz he is stoopid.

Was Legolas using stupid seeking arrows? Because if he is, he’s using the most effective weapon that could ever be in this story.

and den da Pope cam adn waved huxz stick and smelled and sed "OMG GOD JUB LEFGORAS!11!11" adn exploded den teleported.

Is this supposed to be like smoke bomb, or…

Caow wuz cring under da treeee adn China wux ner him. WE DEN saw a ponytaaae adn Missy threw balls at it adn cught it adn, Me, Cow, Pukia, Pissy, Gimmlowrt, Regoras, Kenji adn Ewuilloaw rided on it

All at once?

we den sawed Edwrardfres gost adn we scrome (dis us Edwart Kurren)

Why are you running from that little pansy? His sister told him about his girlfriend going cliff diving and he almost killed himself. Why did I read those books?

adn we scrome a den dand Pohkneetah wuz scryaed adn burnded it. den da Pupe came adn sed "YE SHALLL NAWT PASTA"

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX i hup u lik it!11



Is that a batton? How do fuck up that badly?!


No, no you didn’t.


Logic. Basic logic, it isn’t that difficult, it’s been around for a while. Learn it. Use it. Love it.


I swear to God she just head butted her keyboard.


Rehbar-Chin, Wereallleproctogreth

What, the fuck.

(u dunt ned suh a lug naem bitch), Sricrner-Eahmali, Sund-layers adn da offers (u no who u r!11)

Is it me?

weerre all protting wit da eval gais lik Greeeed, Bihll Crintoe adn Hirrally Crintow, Keichin (frum Suol Etter), Ehveny, Yura (frauk Inyuahda), AIZEN (grum Buhleach), VIsoouies (cawobai beepoop), Yahmi (frum Yu-gay-ho) adn Yahgaymi Light. To stup, Me, Toorist, Chignar, Owlflap, Veork, Luhpie, Tukis, Kanji, Raoyy Mustahave, Edwartd Ehlrike adn Winrar frum saevanf Alpratt.

You know what automatically makes for a great plot? A massive cast. Nevermind whether or not any of the characters are interesting or even used for more than one scene, just keep shoving people into the story until it’s interesting.

We were wanking troo da footest

That’s an interesting way to get through the forest.

This is why I prefer hardwood floors.

wehn we saw a big drahgon dat luked lik fires adn REHGBA-CHAN adn EPIC (i wull call Werallehpicke2gether that bcuz it uz esier)

Which doesn’t make any sense.

I hate to use My Immortal as a positive example, but at least Tara had the fucking decency to give her friends fake names. She made it pretty obvious who they were, but the names in the story were different than the names in reality.

were ridding it 2wards us!11 (dey r frnads bcz dey are butt evil)

I don’t even know. Warnuts and I are trying to decipher this, and we have nothing.

Reebarn adn Epic luks vuyrry uhgry bcuz ahll eval pplz r!1

Actually that’s true according to all TV shows. If you’re ugly, you’re fucked. Not a single joke Ray.

dey dan rude da drahgone 2wards us anc Uqiulliptus

Fuck, that sounds like the name of some Greek legend.

adn Edwart were all "OGM GET UT US FA6 WAYY!2"

Story please start making sense.

adn Epic adn Reahba were laffing and Ehpic sed "U CUN NAT SRUP US!11 WE R AWSM ADN WULL CICK UR ASS!11" adn Reba sed "YES! BURD, TOORIS PRAHPEAR 2 DIE!111"

I would care, but all of this conflict will be completely forgotten by the next chapter.


Dose praps r frum dA go flam dem her aht Xxxxemo4everxxxX on Dehvant art!1

Asslow luk at mai gr8 urt on mai accunt!111



Hey, when I used a banana in a story it served a purpose, even if it was a comedic one. This is random and stupid and contextless, meaning it’s no different than anything else going on here.

Dey had fund Abama adn nao Ed was harpy.

If harpy are the next big thing to replace vampires, I might not even complain. At least things might be original for a while.

Al wuz all like "omg no we ned 2 find da offers!11" adn Edgewurt was like "OBJECSHUN.!"


Objection! This makes no sense your honour, I call bullshit!


and Phenix wuz like "TAKE THAT!1" adn Godot thre cofee at dem. Osama den thre a bum at dem. adn dey al creamed like "OMG!" adn den Obama fanted. den a Pikacho cam adn used tundershuk to wank up Onama. Edwaurd wuz lik "NOOO OBAMAMA!" And Pikachug stupd adn Pomana wok up.

Alright readers, what would you say? Seriously, what’s left? I think we covered pretty much everything, and the story clearly isn’t going anywhere new. There are still a healthy amount of pages left and I honestly don’t know what we’ll be able to say about them.

Alphone den sed "Get 2 da hospittle" adn China sed "PANDAS WIL KIL U AL" And Rusha sed "No i like vodka" Mia Fat den cam in adn sed "U CUNNUT CRY UNTIL DIS IS OVAH." And Godpot sed "DATS MY LINE!" Adn Franzika sed "I wil whip u al!" adn she whuped Phenox.

I think even the writer stopped caring.

Den dey caried on wanking

If only I could do the same, but I’m stuck here reviewing what is essentially nothing.

tru da forfist den dey saw Suicun den dey set Pikapod on itg adn it used fundershik adn Suagcoon lost adn den Ash cam adn thrw a pokebal at it adn cat it.

Kiba had lust Makoba agen adn was luking 4 him. Adn Kiaba den mad an army of Lugia of evil so he cud find Makoba adn kill Yugi and take over the world. and get da philosiper stone adn a sandwich.

Known fact in the anime, you can’t use the philosopher’s stone without a sandwich. It actually has to be ham and cheese on rye to be specific.

Light was also wif Kiba adn wuz riting nams in da deaf not

The deaf not, so a book that will not make people deaf.

adn Ruk sed hi and wuz dating Ronald McDonald.

We’ve reached a new low. I just… I need a while.

He also got a McDunald aple pie.

This episode brought to you by Burger King.

Kiba was aguing wif Ligte abut how to tak over da wurld. and to get Ryuk to a shrink.


Menwhil Mokaba had ben kidnaped by Brick adn Brick had jus gaved him piza.

What a nice kidnapper.

Brock wuz mising Ass

I miss ass too.

so he kidnaped a new little boy.

That one I won’t do.

Max and May den came adn saw Mokaba adn den farted adn Brock wuz like "omg now i have to clen dis up."

That was one hell of a fart.

den Makaoaba sed "IL HELP BOCK!1" adn he fell over. Mac adn Mat wuke up and saw Brik clening den cuz dey farted and died.

Less names I have to remember.

HOP U ENJAYED!11!11!1!



Alright, I’m back.

Why do you have a red button?

Don’t worry about it, but if I press it, cover your ears and don’t look directly into the story.

Ash had cat da Sweecun adn wuz harpy cuz it wuz rat. He caled Oak adn Oak sed "WEL DUN ARS!

“Well done ya fuckin’ arsehole, now end this story!”

Giv it 2 me 4 resurch!11!" adn Ass sed no.

Good call, if we’ve learned anything from the Retributionists, it’s that research done on cute and fluffy things is rarely a good thing.

Alhpones back felt wired adn den a pottal opend up in his bark. den Ed sed "OMG WATS DAT!" adn Rick Astley cam out adn statted sining "NEVER GUNA GIV U UP. NEVER GUNA LET U DOWN!1 NEVER GUNA TURN AROUND ADN DESSERT U!1"

Did we just get Rick rolled in a story?

We did.

Son of a bitch.

Den Alhpone ran away wif da offers adn den unicurns cam out of his purtal back adn Charlie and da pink and blue unihorn came out adn saw Rick Asrley and ran away. Den da tenage Mutant niga turtals came out adn karata choped Rick Assley adn a piza cam out of hum.

I’m sorry, what was that last part?

Adn den Als back purtal started to shak adn changed culur and den a mustache and Hitler cam out.


adn ran away. adn Peeps we like "OGM WAS DAT HILLER!11?/!1?" adn Alhpone was lkike "WAT? HUTLER CAM OUT OF MY BARK.?1" Adn den da portal closed. Den Lust adn Envy cam adn attaked. Ash released Treeko adn it used vine whipe adn Envy adn Lust ran away.

Kaiba wuz making sumting dat cud mak gam caracter cum out of da gam or wutever.

You did give up on writing your own story!

adn inside da game Dahlia Hawtone was like "OMG! A DOOOOR! THE DOOOOOOR! IT CAN SEE INTO THE FUTER! INTO YOUR MIIIIIND!11" adn Ron Delite was like "Omg im scared" adn Dey cam out of da door and into Kibas lab. Dahlia was being al cuet adn sweat. adn Ron was like "0_o''"

Did they just throw an emoticon into the story?

Even worse, they threw it into quotes. Ron said that, out loud and everything.

adn Creamed and crayed. And den a Menos Grand adn it had a not suck on it saying "FUCK U. Y U FORGET ABOUT US? -Blech cast"

I’m assuming you’re mad about this?

Psh, what? Why would I be mad YESSSSSSSSS.

And Kiba was like "...Bleech cast? Wus that... Sum orang kid? And... What hapend 2 dat shurt blund kid?" "I'M NOT SHORT!1" Dey herd from da distance. Anywat, Dahlia sed "Helo, sir... Mite i ask ur nam?" adn Kiba sed "The names Kiba, Seto Kaiba. RULLER OF DA NEW WORLD." "Ok. Helo Mr Seto.. Ruler of tha new wurld. adn wat iz ur nam?" she asked to Lite. and Lite sed "I am Yagami Lite. GOD OF DA NEW WORLD!1!" adn den Kiba sed "Wait wat." adn Lite sed "YEAH DATS RITE. I AM A GOD! TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER. O wate. I AM UR LEADDER."

It does not say that.

It says all of that.

Can I just ask why?

And Kiba sed "Omg." Ron den sed "DON'T FITE PLEEEEEEASE." adn everyone was lik "Were did u cum from?" adn Ron sed "Ive ben her da hole tim..." "OK." "anywat.." sed Kiba "U are now part uf my army to tak over adn mak a new wurld!1" adn den Lust cam bagging threw wid Engy fullowing. "SURRY I CUDNT DO IT! DA TREEKO NEW FINE WHIP!" "idiot."

I swear to God she was trippin’ off shrooms, heroin, acid, crack, meth, and bathsalts for funsies, and she still tried to write this.

I furthermore Warnuts, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to learn she habitually smoked marijuana cigarettes. Reefers…


Makoba was etting donuts and den he fund Homer Sampsun in a ox of dognuts.


And that means they’re not ox of donuts, they’re boxen!

Mokaba screemd adn den Homer kidnaped him 4 eatting huz donuts.

Yeah, I now see why people don’t like the newer seasons.

Brick cam in adn saw Humer stick in the window. but as he got clusser Himer got out adn skuashed Makobar adn ran uff.

Brick den called Scuuby Doo adn Fred sed "k we wil be there." den Brock was scarred wen da Mistery Masheen cam threw da wall. Den Fred riped open da van door adn sed "OH YEEEEEAH" adn Velma sed "Ur nut cool."

What mental state is this person in where that makes sense?

In da Furest as Ed, Al adn Ass were singing "IN DA JUNGLEEEEE~!1" Adn Firestar adn his hunting patty ran uff adn tuld da rest of da clan.



Wen Firestart gut back he caled 2 his clan a meating adn sed "DER R 2LEGS IN DA FOORIST WE HAVE 2 CHACE DEM OUT!1!11!" Adn Lingstrap and Blambelcawl seid "YEAH!" Adn Lefpool was all "no dey wil go in dere own taim." but Firestarp sed "DEY R ETING R FOOD! I dunt tink dey wil leaver soon." adn Leafpill sed "OK."

"OKAY! We wull attak dem nao!1 NO EXCUSES." Adn dey al agred.


That just gave me a headache, a literal headache?

Edwind and Al were stil nervouse adn da Ninja Turdles were falowing wif da rat guy. phonies of god and house adn "AAAAAAHH Omg im lust!" Adn Renji (C? I PUT HIM BAK IN!)

Thanks, I’m sure everyone was complaining about that.

Sed "I wull cler da forist wif my zankapto, Zabimaruy!1!" adn he sed sum stuff adn den he cut da forest down.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Firestat wuz waching frum a distecne adn was like OMG. den he tuld dem 2 attak adn dey did adn Lingtal cam jumping out adn attaked Edward adn Alphones. adn al da offers attaked da ofters.

Everyone attacked themselves.


Was… was there more to that?

Sebastean Mikales (Frum Juroshitsewji) cam out of da forist adn threw firks adn nives at da cats adn kild dem. al adn da ofers ran awae.

Edward sed "Fanks man." adn Sebby sed "I wuz onlay ding it 2 prutenct mah mister Ciel." cars adn fly da pizza adn da wurld gayfay. "OMG SEAL!11 WAT HAPPIND 2 UR EY?1!" Arsked Ichigo

I knew you couldn’t kill Ichigo!

"Nutting." sed cieel.

"Mah evil cats i put in 2 kil dem al feild!1" sed Kaiba. "U shud jes tel me der nams adn den i can kil dem 4 u" sed Lite. "Ok." sed Kiba. "One of dem is Alphone Elrik, kil hum." "I wil do it sun!1!" sed Lite scare. "NAO. we ned 2 find Makona! i furgut abut hum! my stodup brother. DAHLIA! RON! U mus luk on da internat 2 se if u can find any informashun on who mite have Makoba." Ron sed "But siiiiiiiiir! Im nut gud at da interbwec!" adn Dahlia sed "Ur stupid i wil show you Ton." "OK."

"Mow, i wil device an evil plan 2 send al of dem to EEGYPY!1!

What the, Egypt, I go to play with a puppy and I get lost!

Trust me, you didn’t miss a thing.

Were dey wil ba slavs 4 ever. MUAHAHAHAHAH!1!11!"


Homer had Makoba adn was making him bak donuts.

That evil bastard?

adn den da Mistry mahine drive in adn Brik jumped ut adn sed "HOW DAR U KIDNAP DISS?./!"

Ray put the rope down… and the knife… also give me the button.

Adn Hmoure sed "He at my dognut." Brik den punched hum adn garbed Makona adn gut in da mistry machine adn druve off."

So um, what was the point of the mystery machine?



Makoba wuz wok up bai Brik adn his pokermen planing pokerman sliver.

The world should explode at that point, when the pokemon are playing Pokemon Silver.

Majoa wuz like 'BRIK CAN I HAV FOD? CHESKAEK.' And brock sed 'no u wil get fart.' adn Majoka wuz like upsit. piza den arrived at da dor adn Brok opeened it adn sa a ginga man and hot bird. adn dey sad 'piza dalvery 4 Brik adn Makoba' adn Brik wuz like 'MAKOBAS DID U ORDER PIZA?1' Adn Maboka wuz lik ' yes.' adn den Dahila lukd evil at RTin adn wuz lik talkin in2 her sekrit microwave 'kaiba we huv fund Markoba.

This story makes the least amount of sense that English can make.

shud we kil dis dud adn get hum?' adn Kiba wuz like 'omg how did u find him?1' adn Ron sed 'we ar amazin.' adn den Dahlia sed 'NO WE R NINJAS.'

Ninjas, amazing, they go hand in hand.

adn den Brik turned arund adn sed 'Y R U SAYN U R NINHAS?/!1 R u tryn to stel mah pokerman? R u frum team rokkit?11' 'WHO DA HEL IS TEM RIKET?1' sed Kaiba frum da microwave. 'KIL DIS DUD!1!1' sed Kiba

No kill this story.

'OK' sed Dahila adn den Dahli gut up a gun adn shut Brik. Adn den Makoba was scared adn den telepotted 2 kiba. den Dahli adn Rin were like 'wel dat wuz a wast uf tim.'

So is this story.


At Makaba adn Kibas house Kiba was like 'U IDIOT HOW DID U GIT KIDNAPED? AGAEN? HOW DID U GET HER?' Adn Makoba wuz like 'i can telepurt.' adn Kiba farted.

This writer and farts is like Michael Scott and guns.

Den Kiaba luked al evil like adn sed 'U HAV 10 SECUNDS 2 RUN. THERE IS NOWHERE 2 RUN.

Well then why waste both of your time?

NOWHER 2 HIDE.' 'But den y shud i run?' sed Makoba. 'Bcuz i sed so.'

Well that is actually a fantastic reason, the only thing that beats that is because fuck you.

Makoba wuz lik 'But can i eat dis fud first?' 'no'

Oh well now you’re just being an asshole.




And on that nonsensical note, we’re finally done.

I hope she burns in Hell, she ruined so many good animes.