Review #59

I'm Not Okay

Story by Raven

Review by Ray




So my story was just on The Critiquecast, and I have to say, it was interesting being on the other end of a legitimately critical review. I like to think of myself as a decent writer, nothing exceptional at the moment but hopefully on my way. But you know who I know I'm better than already? Raven.

The editor of My Immortal, arguably the worst fanfiction of all time. Well a while ago I found something troubling; she wrote her own story, and it's about goths going to Hogwarts. I hoped it wasn't really by Raven and I tried to put it off, but... this is I'm Not Okay, by Raven.


Chapter 1

a/n: okay I don't own this but whatever.

You don’t own Harry Potter? You don’t own the title taken straight from a My Chemical Romance song? You don’t own the basic understanding that acknowledging you’ve stolen something doesn’t make it legal?

Fifteen-year-old Eternity Demen'tia

You’ve got to be kidding me. Not only is it the same opening as My Immortal, but Ebony and Eternity share a name.

 

Are they that unoriginal? They can’t even reuse their own ideas, they have to take turns with them.

(Wait wait wait, I feel like I've heard this before!)

Is that… hey, other critics! Get out of here! Sorry folks, just like Tara’s account, Raven’s was also deleted along with this story. The only conveniently usable version I could find already has commentary, so give me a moment to take care of a few things.

(What kind of name is 'Eternity?)

 

Alright, now back to the story.

Johnson warily took a seat on the Hogwarts Express. As she did so, she heard many giggles in the air.

“Her Mary Sue senses took over, allowing Eternity Demen’tia Dark’ness Raven Way Johnson to assume they were giggling specifically at her.”

Ugh. Stupid preps.

It’s good to see that this story will focus on societies real issues. It doesn’t matter how you act, it’s really just about how you dress.

Eternity had hoped she wouldn't see any when she came to Hogwarts. They had made her life in Los Angeles High School miserable.

 

Heh, I just couldn’t contain myself at the thought of this character existing in the real world.

Now she was supposed to put up with them here? She sighed sadly, and stared out of the window. In her misery, she took her iPod out of her Emily the Strange bag and blared on some My Chemical Romance

In her misery, she did the thing she was going to do either way.

(A/N: Don't they rock?).

Yes, they’re a rock band, that’s what they’re supposed to do.

Oh great. Now even more preps were giving her dirty looks.

She is using muggle technology on her way to a place where that kind of thing isn’t allowed. That’s right, I’ve done a little research this time around.

Eternity tried her best to ignore them.

How could she notice them in the first place? She’s looking out the window and blaring her music, so unless these people are actually touching her I don’t see the problem.

It wasn't because Eternity was dirty or deformed or anything. Maybe it was something to do with her black leather corset,

 

Dammit, I was hoping that Raven would at least spare us the clothing descriptions, but it looks like we’re not so lucky.

or her ripped black miniskirt or her black combat boots or the metal music she was listening to.

Metal? My Chemical Romance is emo punk, not exactly metal.

Eternity hated how people judged her like that just because she was a goth.

It’s not because you’re dressed like a goth, it’s because you’re dressed like a slut. Or, maybe it’s just your oh so likeable personality that gets their attention.

She was beautiful,

 

with long raven black hair

Raven, get it? Like the author? Get it? GET IT? HAHAHAHA, YOU’RE SO CLEVER RAVEN, THIS IS SUCH A GREAT STORY!111

with red streaks, deathly pale ivory skin and piercing blue eyes that would make any goth man's heart beat like a subway train.

So she has the ability to kill gothic men via heart failure. I’ll give Raven some credit, that’s definitely an original superpower if nothing else.

She was skinny, but had curves in the right places.

I’ll go out on a limb and say she doesn’t have particularly deep brain grooves.

But her eyes still bore the sadness of the scars of her tragic past. When she was two, Eternity's parents (she was a pureblood) had committed suicide by slitting their wrists.

Hey, better they do it when she’s two than when she’s actually gotten to know them. Based on the only description we’ve been given of them, they sound like unfit parents anyways.

She was adopted when she was five, but all was not well. Her new life was hell.

But she’s gothic, so to put it in normal terms, her life was incredible.

She was constantly abused, beat and raped by her new adopted parents.

Of course, she wouldn’t really be a Mary Sue if we didn’t have a reason to feel sorry for her. Seriously though, they raped a five year old? Even for pedophiles that seems a little young.

Every night, she would sit down and cry in her bed. Even at school, she was always being bullied. Her life was totally fucked-up and she couldn't stand it.

Even though she did, for six years.

When she was eleven, she kept getting mail and stuff from Hogwarts but her adopted parents wouldn't let her go.

Dead parents, letters from Hogwarts, generally shit upon by society, this all sounds oddly familiar…

Finally, at fourteen, she was forced to run away.

Anyway, Eternity saw someone trying to sit down next to her.

 

This ought to be good.

She jumped to her feet.

"Get the fuck out of here you fucking bastard!" she shouted.

 

That’s what I enjoy about these characters, they’re so rational and realistic.

"What's wrong?" asked the person. Suddenly Eternity felt calmed down. The person had a very low, sexy voice.

Oh, well then fuck it, how could she be mad at anyone who’s remotely attractive?

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Eternity apologized.

"It's all right. Now can I at least fucking sit here?" asked the boy.

Really? If you’re planning on using the fuck word, at least be fucking mad about something.

"Fine." said Eternity.

They boy sat down. Eternity looked at his face. He was extremely hot. He had long dyed black hair and blue eyes.

"What's you're name?" asked Eternity.

"Draco." he said.

Because Draco is known for his dyed black hair…

"That's an unusual name.

You’re one to fucking talk, your name’s Eternity.

But I guess I can't fucking talk. My name's Eternity." said Eternity.

"Cool." said Draco. Eternity and Draco shook hands.

Respect? In a story written by Raven? Unheard of, I need a second to process this.

"How old are you?" Eternity wanted to know.

"Fifteen. How about you?" asked Draco.

"Same."

Then, the train stopped and Draco and Eternity had to separate.

One chapter in and it’s clear this is better than My Immortal by a long shot, but I still feel obligated to review it. In Raven’s defense, I’m Not Okay is telling a story and it’s actually written in English, two things that My Immortal couldn’t quite handle. But despite that, it was written by Raven, and if nothing else I’m curious.

Chapter 2

a/n: if ur a prep, DON'T READ THIS STORY.

But what if I’m not a prep or a goth? Did I just blow your mind Raven? You didn’t even know that was possible, did you?

If you're not please help me out by suggesting some goth bands and movies for me to reference.

‘N Sync and My Little Pony: Equestria Girls.

Thanx.

Ur welcum.

After the train ride Eternity and the other students got off the train.

All at once and in the same direction, meaning Eternity and Draco didn’t need to separate whatsoever.

Eternity was shocked. In front of her was a beautiful castle. A very tall bearded man asked them to follow him into little boats. Draco waved good-bye to Eternity and made death's touch sign (a/n: if u don't know what that is I suggest u fuck off to a Britney Spears concert or something)

Is she talking about the dim mak, or something even more disappointing? Either way, I wouldn’t even go to a Britney Spears concert sarcastically.

Eternity and the others trooped inside the big castle.

"Is this the school?" she asked a fourth-year next to her.

 

"Yeah." said the fourth-year.

"It's beautiful." said Eternity.

"You think that's beautiful?" a preppy first-year girl with blonde hair wearing a Hilary Duff t-shirt asked.

Now I just know that this interaction will be full of respect and end in friendship.

"Why the fuck not?" Eternity asked defensively.

 

"Yuck, it looks scary to me." said the girl and Eternity rolled her eyes.

"Ignore her. She's just another stuck-up prep." said another girl next to Eternity. Eternity looked at the girl. She was pretty and looked about fifteen and she had long black hair with purple streaks up to her waist

 

Up to her waist. I have to admit, that must be some impressive pubic hair, but it’s a fashion statement too far in my humble opinion.

and one forest-green eye and one blue one. She was wearing a long flowing black dress under her school uniform

At least she’s actually wearing one, it sounds like she’s the first character to actually give a damn about it.

and fishnets and combat boots underneath that.

"What's your name?" Eternity asked her.

"Fillipa (a/n: Filly there's a shout-out 2 u girlfriend!) Clarke.

Filly, you have my condolences.

Call me Filly if you want.

 

She reveals the nickname in the middle of saying her real name. Then, she reveals the nickname for a second time.

But my middle name's Shadow.

My middle name is an underscore and you don’t see me bragging about it every chance I get.

You could call me that too." she said. They shook hands.

Such respect, very friend, wow, so goths, amazing.

Then they had to separate because Eternity had to follow Hagrid and the first-years into a magnificent hall. Banners were draped everywhere and four long tables were in the room.

An old man with a long beard introduced himself.

"I am Professor Dumbledore.

Dumblydore ol’ pal, how have you been lately? If Raven has the nerve to change Draco’s hair color for no reason, she’d better have to decency to make that headmaster a loveable fucking lunatic.

Welcome back." he said. He made a long speech then he brought out an old wrinkly hat to sort them into houses.

"Let the sorting begin!" he announced.

Eternity gasped then, because the hat burst into song. After he sang the song, everyone clapped.

It wasn’t a My Chemical Romance song?

 

The sound of applause filled the large room. Some people went down to be sorted. When it was Eternity's turn, she sat down nervously on the wooden chair and her heart beat like thunder.

Sporadically?

 

Hurray, she must be dead and the story must be over!

"Slytherin!" shouted the hat.

Did she even have to go up there? What were the odds that the sorting hat would put her in Gryffindor?

Happiness filled Eternity. How could it be?

Well Raven Eternity, it’s pretty simple when the protagonist is a projection of the author.

Draco looked at her his grey-blue eyes filled with joy.

There aren’t enough commas in this sentence. You could look at it in a rational way, and say that Draco is looking at Eternity and his eyes are filling with joy. Or, you could read it the way I chose to, and assume Eternity is a hermaphrodite from now on.

Eternity shrugged and sat down at the Slytherin table next to Shadow.

The night went on and Hogwarts had a feast. Meanwhile Shadow introduced Eternity to her friends. (Draco was one of them.) She pointed to a girl with long purple hair with black tips wearing ripped jeans and an Atreyu t-shirt (a/n: that's u, Tara!).

 

"That's Elvira." she said.

Elvira?

 

At least it’s only one Suey name this time.

Then she introduced Eternity to another boy with black hair and green eyes.

"Hey, bitch." grinned Elvira.

Were those last two lines in the wrong order? Here, let’s try it the other way.

“Hey, bitch,” grinned Elvira.

Then Dumblydore got a headache and killed every last student, the end.

Yeah, I like that order better.

"And that's Darren. He's a half-vampire." she said pointing to the boy.

How exactly does one become half vampire? Did the original vampire only stick one fang in and then decide it wasn’t worth it?

"Hi." said Darren.

The four of them talked about Marilyn Manson and the Underworld movies for a while and made fun of Christina Aguilera and Hilary Duff. Then, it was time to go to the dormitories.

Chapter 3

a/n: look, I don't care when the f Harry Potter is in my version it takes place now.

 

BTW, please come up with some goth books and movies.

The Cat in the Hat and The Cat in the Hat.

If u notice I used some of the gothic bands!

Oh I noticed, I just made it a point to not care.

PS: NO PREPS.

Apparently not everyone knows this, but PS is an abbreviation for post scriptum, or in English, after what is written. And she put the PS in the author’s note, at the beginning of the chapter. Now I’m actually impressed, because it’s exactly that kind of subtle thing that makes Raven the writer she is.

After dinner Eternity had to get back into a line with the first-years (she was part of them but much older) and Draco and another girl lead them upstairs into the Slytherin dorm. (a/n: in this story Draco and Pansy r cousins.)

Sure, why not? By the way, I didn’t mean to be rude earlier and keep the Fukitol to myself. Here Raven, I bet you’ll love these.

 

Eternity got to go to the front of the line to talk to Draco. She plunged her booted feet onto the stone floor and did so until she was at the front of the line.

Or in other words, “She walked there like a regular human being, instead of doing cartwheels and somersaults.”

The other girl talking to Draco was had long ebony locks

*Enoby

with blue streaks in them. She wore lots of white foundation and black eyeliner. She looked just like the girl in Linkin Park's video for Crawling. (a/n: Eternity looks more like Amy Lee.

Ah, good, I see the Imbicillin is working already.

"What's your name?" Eternity asked her.

"I'm Pansy Parkinson. Well, that's what my motherfucking parents called me.

Technically speaking yes, her father is a motherfucker. But it does raise some questions about her mother.

Call me Sea." she replied.

“What does the C stand for?” is how a person hearing this instead of reading it should respond.

"And I'm Eternity." said Eternity.

Draco just smiled shyly at Eternity through his silvery-blue eyes and black hair.

They walked upstairs to the dorms. Eternity couldn't help noticing that the castle looked a lot like the one in Dracula.

A little, but it’s the spitting image of that castle from Harry Potter.

As she, Draco, Sea and the first-years

I’m both disappointed that she didn’t use an Oxford comma and impressed that the grammar here is good enough for that to even cross my mind.

went up the staircases, a lot of preps from other houses stared at them looking scared. A girl with brown hair and brown eyes kept staring at them. She was talking (probably about cheerleading or some shit like that)

Yeah, and you’re talking too, probably about MCR or some shit like that.

with a girl with long blonde hair. Eternity stuck her middle finger up at the girls. The girls gasped, their eyes got big, and they turned around.

The finger was uncalled for, but was it really so shocking that their eyes bulged and they had to leave?

"Who the hell were they?" Eternity asked Draco.

"Hermione Granger. The girl next to her was Luna Lovegood." said Draco.

"They're such goddamn bitches." said Sea.

"And the biggest fucking preps ever." added Draco.

Eternity couldn't help but agree.

“Even though Eternity had never met them, she agreed that there never were and never would be bigger preps than those two complete strangers.”

They stopped at a portrait. It was of a girl with pale skin, long black hair and black nails. She was the splitting image of the lead singer of Sisters of Mercy.

 

Lalala, can’t hear you and your references to bands you hadn’t heard of for more than a week before writing about them.

"What the fuck? Why aren't we at the door?" asked Eternity.

What made you think you would be?

"You'll see." said Sea.

"Password?" asked the girl.

“Imo noto okayo.”

"Bleeding kisses." Draco said to the girl.

"Correct." said the girl and the portrait swung back to reveal a hole.

The first years, Draco and Sea stepped inside. Eternity did too.

So, everyone. Everyone in the group stepped inside and listing them separately was pointless.

Suddenly, she was face-to-face with Gerard Way.

 

"Oh my fucking god! I so fucking love your band!" she screamed.

"Huh?" asked Gerard.

"Hold on, hold on. That's not Gerard." laughed Elvira.

 

"That's Satan.

 

Everyone says he looks like Gerard." said Shadow.

 

You know, I actually see the similarity.

"Not that that's a bad thing!" said Darren.

"Dude, I love MCR." said Satan laughingly. Eternity smiled and they shook their pallid hands. Satan had long black hair up to his chin,

Again, up. Satan has a neckbeard, good to know.

just like Gerard. His eyes were pale blue and misty, like tears Eternity cried every night.

Well those tears won’t be around for long. Sure she was abused for the majority of her life, but now she’s at Hogwarts, the safest school in all of Scotland.

He wore black eyeliner and black nail polish.

"Do you happen to like Slipknot or Sisters of Mercy?" asked Eternity in a flirty voice.

"They kick ass!" agreed Satan. He and Eternity immediately began talking.

“It was so immediate that it was like they had already been talking for the last few lines.”

The night went on really well. Eternity and her new friends talked about bands like Slipknot, MCR, Evanescence, GC, Marilyn Manson, Sisters of Mercy, Bauhaus, Dead Can Dance, Christian Death, Joy Division, The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Clan of Xymox, Fields of the Nephilim, Southern Death Cult, 45 Grave, X-mal Deutschland, Garden of Delight.

 

They all agreed that they rocked and they all hated shitty pop bands like BSB and Play. They used razors to slit their wrists when they felt depressed.

I’ll be next in line as soon as I’m done with this.

The crimson regret flowed out on their pale white skin. They gave each other makeovers

 

She went from wrist slitting, which should be a topic that holds some gravity, to makeovers, a thing little girls do during sleepovers. With nothing in between.

with black eyeliner, white foundation and lipstick and they read Dracula and Point Horror books out loud to each other with all the lights turned out and only flashlights.

Spooky, but kind of outshined by the whole cutting your wrists thing.

Eternity felt overjoyed. Just a week ago she had been the only person in her school who had dyed black hair or black eyeliner instead of lip gloss and blonde hair,

Did she go to school in Nazi Germany?

liked Slipknot or Linkin Park or MCR rather than Hilary Duff or Destiny's Child, slit her wrists, thought about suicide, wore black, shopped at Hot Topic rather than Limited Too, swore, liked rock or was depressed.

Hey, I’ll have you know I’m not goth and I think rock is great. I should probably be depressed too considering stories like this aren’t hard to find, but tragic as it is I find it legitimately entertaining.

Now there were so many wonderful people just like her. She was ecsastic.

Chapter 4

Eternity woke up the next morning. She brushed her teeth, combed her hair, and then went to her closet.

 

She put on a long black dress that was all ripped and torn, with pink stuff underneath (kind of like the one Amy Lee wore to the Grammies) and then put on big black combat boots.

Okay, the hatred of pointless clothing description has been hard coded into me since My Immortal, but in Raven’s defense these ones are much less painful.

Shadow, Elvira and Sea all got up and

"You are so lucky, bitch."

Forgetting something Raven? Like, I don’t know, the other half of that sentence you started?

moaned Shadow while she put on her own clothes (a long black dress with a corset at the top, pointy high-heeled boots, and fishnets).

"You have such a great body." added Sea, putting on a ripped black dress with no sleeves that looked exactly like the one the lead singer of her favorite goth band had worn to the MTV Awards that year.

That’s a very specific analogy for something that provides absolutely no clarity.

(Elvira put on a long black velvet dress with crimson lace.)

Eternity laughed but secretly she knew what her friends meant. They were all skinny, but not as much as her, and they all only had size-B bras.

Now I’ve never worn a bra as far as the internet needs to know, but B doesn’t seem all that uncommon, so why would that be part of the conflict?

She sadly put her hair up in a messy half-bun, (kind of like Amy Lee has in the video for 'Going Under'.)

You’re Amy Lee, we get it, move on.

put on tons of eyeliner and black lipstick, and went downstairs with her friends.

At the breakfast table, she ate Count Chocula cereal and drank red wine even though it was only breakfast.

And even though she’s fifteen. Although it is Scotland, I’m pretty sure the drinking age is somewhere around the second trimester.

Darren had made a request for human blood, so he drank that and let his friends try some.

That can be requested? And all these years I’ve been getting mine the old fashioned way.

(Eternity loved it.) They all clinked their glasses.

"To depression." said Eternity.

“To Fukitol.”

"To darkness." said Satan.

&ldldquo;To spellcheck.”

"To vampires." said Sea.

“To fandoms.”

"To heavy metal music." said Shadow.

“To author’s who keep coming back.”

"To Eternity." said Draco.

“To retribution.”

Everyone started giggling, except for Draco. Eternity's pale complexion turned red.

Everyone went off to their classes. Eternity hated all of the classes, even though she was good at them. In Transfiguration class, Eternity had to sit next to a bunch of gigging blonde girls.

Completely different than her friends, who were giggling at breakfast. Because her friends giggle with black hair.

Their teacher, Professor McGonagall made a speech, and then made them practice transfiguration on a bunch of ants they would try to turn into pencils.

Everyone was trying, but it didn't work for them. Suddenly, Eternity found herself pointing to the ant and saying a spell…

Suddenly, the ant turned into a gigantic black unicorn with huge black wings and flew out the window.

“Unfortunately miss Johnson, you were supposed to turn the ant into a pencil. D minus.”

Everyone in the room gasped.

Later, Professor McGonagall had a talk with Eternity.

"Eternity, you are being moved up to your fifth year." she said.

Chapter 5

Is everyone ready for the best part of the story?

a/n: TARA IS DA BIGGEST FUCKING BITCH EVER AND BY THE WAY I'M A BIGGER MCR FAN AND GERARD IS MINE 4EVA SO FUCK U! AND I'M NOT GIVING U UR SWEATER BACK!

 

Eternity was so happy.

Me too, that was great.

She went to class with the other fifth-years, Sea, Draco, Shadow, Darren and Satan. That fucking retard Elvira (whose real name was Lindsay like that fucking ho Lindsay Loan) had gone all the way back to first-year and they put her in Gryffindor where all the retarded preps were because she couldn't even write properly and she had to get her friends 2 do it for her.

At first I was disappointed to find out that this story even existed, but this has made it all worth it. There’s a little more, but I don’t have anything to say about it and we already got to the good part. Read it if you want to, but I’m going to mull over whether or not I should still have such a grudge against Raven.

Anyway, Eternity woke up from her dark slumber and got ready for the coming day, which she hated so much. She put on a black leather minidress with black fishnets and black pointy boots. She put some blue streaks in her shower of flowing black raven locks. Then she put on some mascara, white foundation, black lipstick, and eyeliner. Allt the gothic bois starred at her, their piercing blue eyes getting wide. The preps did too but for a different reason. She put up your middle finger at them. Then anyway she put on sum MCR music. She plunged her black feet into the stone cold ground and walked to Transfiguration.

"Hello everyone." said Proffesor McGonagal staring at them out of her giant eyes. "You will all be doing something different this time. You will all have partners." She made everyone find a partner. Eternity's partner was…. Draco!