Review #58

ImmaWiserd (Post 3)

Story by raveneagel

Review by Ray




42 da invitation

Dear Lieutenant,

You are hereby invited to join in on demolishing every aspect of this story. I know not why it was written in the first place, nor do I know how much of the story is influenced by Eagel’s life, but I do know that it is in desperate need of retribution.

-Sarcastically, Ray.

Are Martin and me just going back and fourth with each other?

Hent is too close to being called gay as it is and Warnuts is too painfully white, we’re the only three who can handle it.

Yet somehow the three of us aren’t reviewing it at the same time.

Martin, get out of here, can’t you see Fluff’s already involved? (AN: nd im still nevar talking 2 u until u giv bak my postr!11)

steven wuz sittin on da sand in da hufflepuff commenroom flewin his big gay muscles an doin musikal theter.

I missed a lot didn’t I.

Sort of. Hufflepuff is comprised entirely of stereotypically gay people, and their common room is Egypt, which is located behind an ass door and contains the penismyds.

So I didn’t miss much.

Oh, also Turtle has been temporarily removed from the story, he and David are climbing the tower that Noah built instead of an ark which contained several variety of demons.

Is Jesus at least still in this?

I don’t know, they haven’t really mentioned him in a while. Apparently one of the most influential figures in history isn’t quite as important as finding out what Joseph decides to put his dick in.

den bradberry walked up.

"steven! i just got dis invitation from da slitherins 4 a gay butt sex party by da lake" he sed.

I didn’t get invited…

Wait just a minute, this sounds suspicious; since when do the Slytherin have a lake?

Since when did Hufflepuff go gay?

It was right around the time Slytherin went goth and Gryffindor went prep.

"fabulos!" sed steven "i got one 2!"

"so did i!" sed another hufflepuff.

"so did we!!" sed all da other hufflepuffs.

"fabulos!" sed bradberry

 

"gay butt sex party?" sed da gay samaritin. "dosent dat seem a little suspicious?"

Yeah, but remember the part about gay butt sex?

"who would lie about gay butt sex?" sed steven

"oh ur right" sed da gay samaritin "lets go get ready" an dey all rushed into da penismids to get ready. dey were puttin on cowboy hats dat looked like giant penises an dey were packing vibrators an sex toys into rainbow colored suit cases.

It’s a nice thought Hufflepuff, but as the host I think it’s Slytherin’s job to bring all of that.

bradberry wuz puttin stuff under his hat.

den da gay samaritin shoved dem all up up his asshole (not rly cuz dats stretchin it a bit).

If you know what I mean *wink*

ch 43 da shiqs of hufflequff

all da hufflepuffs were at da lake gettin ready 4 da party. dey were wavin dere cocks around in da air gettin dem nice and big.

Eagel, do you really have a penis?

"where are all da slitherins?" sed steven

Hiding from you probably.

"if dey arent here soom well have 2 start without dem"

den... far out on da lake... dere were some things.

Suspense… building suspense… absolutely no payoff.

"wut r dose?" sed bradberry. den dey saw. it wuz da slitherins on ships holdin swords an wands an machine guns. an at da head of da first ship wuz... HAROD!

Is Harod supposed to be Harry?

I don’t think so, but it’s really anyone’s guess.

"my my how the tables have turned" he sed "now YOU are the ones dat are going to be fucked!"

"HORRAY" sed bradberry.

 

"no" sed harod "i mean im about to kill u"

"oh..." sed bradberry. he wuz lookin sad.

"AH!" sed da gay samariten "its not going to be dat easy! u are about to lern da gratest secret of da hufflepuffs! not only are we gay..."

 

 den he took out a cutlass an removed his leg to show a wooden penis shaped pegleg underneth. "WERE ALSO PIRATES!!!"

 

Yar me Pastafarian brethren, do what ya must to survive but don’t be forgettin’ our peaceful ways.

YAR!

now all da huffle puffs were takin out swords an wands an gettin ready to fight. da gay samariten took out his big black dildo wand an waved it around in da air. "PIRATE SHIPS" he sed an pirate ships appeared in da lake. all da hufflepuffs were raisin da sails an manning da poop deck

 

an gettin on da canons.

"shiver me timbers" sed bradberry "it seems dat were going to war"

This is the gayest Pirates of the Caribbean sequel ever. I love it!

"fabulos" sed steven.

ch 44 actual cryin in da forest

josef wuz sittin in da forgotten forest wit a raincloud ova his hed.

Oh yeah, for everyone who missed it, Joseph accidentally had sex with a woman. He was part of Hufflepuff. He didn’t take it too well.

Joesf, I feel you dude.

da wild puppies were lickin his toes but he didnt want to pet dem.

den a beam of light came down from heaven... it wuz... JESUS!!!

 

"wut r u doin josef?" sed jesus

"just leeve me alone..." sed josef

"wuts da matter?" sed jesus

"... i had sex wit a woman" sed josef

"OH MY GOD. R U ALRITE?" sed jesus.

Good guy Jesus, everyone who says he was anti gay is clearly wrong now. After all, if we can’t believe fanfiction then what can we believe?

"... no" sed josef

"who did dis?" sed jesus

"it wuz jezebell" sed josef

"oh dont worry" sed jesus "hes had sex wit so many men its like u had sex wit a man too"

"dat doesnt make me feel any better" sed josef

"but josef" sed jesus "u have to get up! da slitherins led hufflepuff into a trap! dere all gonna die witout u leadin dem!"

"i dont care" sed josef an da rain poured down harder.

"but josef" sed jesus puttin an arm around josef "dont u remember why u invented gay buttsex in da first place?"

I mean, I guess someone had to come up with the idea, but I don’t know if I’d call it an invention.

den josef had a flashback.

AN: reed to da next chapta to see da flashback.

ch 45 flashback qart 1

So this is part one of the flashback, but it’s the only part we have to read to see the flashback. Something about that doesn’t quite add up.

AN: dis is a flash back to josefs childhood.

Oh, I thought we were going back to the fight with Slytherin and Hufflepuff.

"FAGGOT" sed jimboba (1 of josefs many brothers) an pushed josef into pombis (another one of josefs many brothers).

Historically speaking, the word faggot wouldn’t even be an insult yet. It originated in Latin, but if gay buttsex hasn’t been invented yet then… nevermind, I apologize for trying to make sense of this.

"ull never get into hogwarts" sed pombis an pushed him into another brother. josef wuz cryin an dere wuz a raincloud ova his hed.

Is there a rain cloud over his head every time he’s sad? I’d be more annoyed than sad if that always happened.

What, you don’t get those? They can actually be kind of refreshing.

"now now boys leave poor josef alone" sed an old woman.

"but grandma hes such a faggot" sed one of his brodders.

 

"oh no hes not. now all you kids go pack 4 skool." sed da grandma den all of his brothers ran towards da house.

"oh josef" sed da gandma "will you cum here for a minute?"

josef stopped. da raincloud wuz still pourin down. grandma picked him up an put him on her knee.

"now i want to give u somthing josef" an she pulled out a coat "dis is a special multicolored cloak"

den josef looked at it. "but grandma" he sed "dis cloak isnt multicolored. its gray."

Fine Joseph, be an asshole to your colorblind grandma.

"oh its multicolored alright" she sed "ull see dat when time cums."

josef took it rly happily. "tank u grandma" he sed.

"now i dont care wut ur brothers say." she sed "i believe ull oneday bcum a great wiserd. an ull bring honor to ur family name. bcuz u are Josef Gay Buttsex.

Now that’s a self fulfilling prophecy if I ever saw one.

josef put da cloak on an da raincloud went away.

"do u know why i like u so much josef?" she sed

"no grandma. why?" sed josef.

"bcuz u remind me of my late husband Gay.

 

dats why u were named after him. he wuz such a happy man. and a great wiserd."

(later dat week at da train station)

josef wuz silently wakkin thru da crowd to da train. den when he turned around he bumped into a muscular boy with a mulicolored thong.

I can only see good things coming from this.

That’s Steven, the guy from earlier… later… that other time.

"excuse me" sed josef

"its no problem cutie" sed da boy.

"wuts ur name" sed josef

"im steven" sed steven

"im josef" sed josef.

den a multicolored top hat flew by dem on da wind.

"MY HAT!" yelled a boy wit a monicule an a moustache.

Hey, your in this story Ray!

I have an entire shitty goatee thank you very much, and maybe someday I’ll be able to listen to The Beards without a sense of shame.

josef caught it. "here u go" he sed.

"FABULOS!" sed da boy. "wuts ur name?"

"im josef" sed josef.

"an im steven" sed steven

"im bradberry" sed bradberry.

Please tell me Eagel realizes the inherent pointlessness of all three of those statements.

"ALL ABORD" sed da train driver.

If only there was a word for train driver…

Pilot?

den as dey were gettin on a beam of light came from da sky an a boy flew down it. "tank u daddy!" he sed.

"have fun at skool" sed a booming voice.

So rather than sending Jesus straight to school, he sends him to the bus stop. Flawless logic as always God.

den everyone got on da train.

josef steven an bradberry sat down in a room on da train.

"wut house do u hope u get into" josef asked steven

"i dunno" sed steven

"i think it wud b fabulos 2 b in hufflepuff" sed bradberry. "dey all seem so happy"

"yes dey all a gay bunch" sed steven.

Foreshadowing? Humor? Both? We may never know just what Eagel had in mind, but clearly it was something.

den dere wuz a knock on da door. dere wuz a boy with long hair standin wit a suitcase he made out of wood.

"can i sit here" he sed.

"sure" sed steven. an da boy sat down.

"wuts ur name" sed josef

"im jesus christ." he sed "i want to be in griffondoor like my dad wuz"

den he looked at josef "who are u"

"im josef buttsex" sed josef "an dese are my friends steven an bradberry."

"how do u do" sed bradberry.

den dere wuz ANOTHER knock at da door. dere wuz a boy an a girl at da door.

"sorry to bother u" sed da girl "but dere are no free seats left. can we sit with you? im mary margerine."

"an judas killchrist" sed da boy.

Ark, Buttsex, Killchrist, I’m starting to think these names actually mean something…

"dat wud be fabulos" sed bradberry.

"yes indeed" sed steven.

"here u can sit down bside me" sed jesus pattin da seat bside him.

but josef didnt want to talk to anybody.

He was having a horrible job at not doing that.

den jesus looked ova at him.

"hey why are u so sad" sed jesus

"no reason" sed josef

"common dere has 2 be a reason" sed jesus

Not really, that’s sort of the idea behind depression. A biological reason maybe, but there doesn’t need to be a situational issue.

"my brodders pick on me" sed josef

"but now ur at hogwarts so dey cant bother u" sed jesus

"but dere goin b at hogwarts" sed josef

"oh" sed jesus "well dont worry. im one of da best wiserds for my age"

"so am i" sed josef

"hey dats something we have in common. maybe we can in da same house" sed jesus

"id like dat" sed josef

46 flashback qt 2

The q and the p arent that easy to mix up you know.

What are λou talking adout?

da train stopped an everyone got off. dere wuz a big lake in front of da skool.

"how r we supposed to get across" sed josef

"dats my job" sed a man wit a berd. "im proessor moses"

he lifted his staff up an da lake parted.

"now u may cross" he sed.

"jesus wuts dis lake called" sed josef

"oh dis is da red sea. moses parts it every years 4 da first years." sed jesus

Hogwarts is supposed to be in Scotland. The location of the Red Sea -

So yeah, if Hogwarts suddenly went Middle Eastern on our ass I’m not buying it.

Oh, so I suppose you’re going to completely disregard the shifting of the tectonic plates combined with the young earth theory that would accompany a biblical story.

I disregard everything if you haven’t noticed.

den dey all went into da great hall.

 

Someone actually spelled great hall correctly.

"hello first years!" sed pumpass pilot "welcome to skool district 7!! let da sorting begin!!"

pilot put da hat on bradberry a steven. it sed hufflepuff 4 both of dem.

"HORRAY" sed bradberry.

"fabulos" sed steven.

"jesus christ" sed da sortin hat. den jesus came up. "griffondoor" sed da hat.

"judas killchrist" sed da sortin hat. den judas came up. "griffondoor" sed da hat.

I guess he was one of the disciples, but still.

"mary margerine" sed da sortin hat. den mary came up. "griffondoor" sed da hat.

"golith sanders" sed da sortin hat. den dis big ass mothafukka came up. "slitherin" sed da hat. golith laffed in a big ass mutha fukka voice.

"jezebell slutborn" sed da sortin hat.

The sorting hat has a great sense of humor.

den dis whore came up. "slitherin" sed da hat.

"harod potter" sed da sortin hat.

*Cough* Knew it *Cough*

 den dis other guy came up. "slitherin" sed da hat.

"jimbolia buttsex" sed da sortin hat.

Jimbolia Buttsex, I think I went to middle school with him.

den one of josefs many brodders came up. "slitherin" sed da hat.

"drake buttsex. slitherin."

 

I’m not even facepalming about the story, I’m facepalming about the fact that in the story I’m writing I actually have a character whose name is a couple steps away from that.

"octavian buttsex. slitherin."

"reff buttsex. slitherin." den dey called all of da rest of josefs many brodders an dey were all put in slitherin.

"josef buttsex" sed da sortin hat.

"no..." sed josef "i dont want to be in slitherin..." he felt a raincloud form over his head.

"HUFFLEPUFF!" sed da sortin hat.

"HORRAY!" sed bradberry.

josef wuz happy but he wuz sad dat he wuzznt in da same house as jesus. he looked ova but jesus wuz too busy takkin to da other grifoondoors.

No gay butt sex for Jesus then.

so josef wakked to da hufflepuff tabel.

"ur wit us now!" sed bradberry an steven gave him a big musculer hug.

den da raincloud stopped an josef felt happy. after dey sorted everybody pilot sed "now dat everyones sorted go to sleep."

Hufflepuff won’t be sleeping, will they?

da gay samariten sed "come on children. lets go to da comminroom." an he lead dem away.

The common room happens to be called Cub Training Institute, but that’s a problem for later.

dey went down a long stair case until dey came to da big stone buttcheeks.

"dese r da gates of hufflepuff" he sed. josef wuz amazed.

"how do we get in?" sed josef.

"u say da password" sed da gay samariten "let me in" he sed an da cheeks spred apart. josef wuz more amased. da commin room wuz... EGYPT!!!!!!

"dont be too amased yet" sed da gay samariten an mader sure dat da buttcheeks were closed tight.

"now i am going to tell u da secret of hufflepuff" he sed "r house is da secret pirate navy of hogwarts.

Why a wizarding school needs a navy when you can just blast people with spells will never be explained. Yay...

everyday u will engage in secret pirate classes. can u all say ahoy?"

"ahoy" dey all sed. but bradberry sed horray.

Close enough, he’s certainly one kind of pirate.

time passed an josef grew happier but he wuz still sad. he had his two best friends but he still never found out why his grandma called his coat multicolored.

den one day dey were wakkin around in da penismids... when...

"OH NO MY MONOICAL?" sed brad berry

Everyone, prepare your anus’ for a wonderful origin story.

"wut happened" sed steven

"i sat down an my monical went up my asshole!" sed bradberry "i cant reach it wit my fingers"

A problem we all have from time to time.

"let me try" sed steven an put his fingers up his ass. "i cant quite reach it"

"let me try" sed josef

"please hurry its goin in deeper" sed bradberry.

josef tried to get it wit his middle finger but it slipped away.

Here try mine

 

"is dere nothing long enough to reach it?" sed steven. den josef got an idea. he waved his cock around in da air until it wuz nice an big. den he shoved it up bradberrys asshole.

"wut r u doing back dere" sed bradberry. josefwrapped da monicals chain around his cock an pulled it out.

I can’t tell of that was incredible skill or incredible chance, but I’m impressed.

"HORRAY" sed bradberry

"ur da smartest wiserd ive eva nown!" sed steven.

"u know wut" sed josef "dat actually felt pretty good"

"yeah it did" sed bradberry. den josef had an idea. he ran into his room an started drawin blueprints.

“Blueprints”

he stayed in dere for days an days.

"i wonder wut josefs doin in dere" sed bradberry

"i dont know" sed steven

den da door urst open an josef ran out.

"I HAVE INVENTED DA GREATEST INVENTION EVER INVENTED" sed josef

Fried chicken?

"HORRAY" sed bradberry

"wut is it" sed steven

"its where u stick ur cock in another mans asshole" sed josef.

"dats crazy" sed bradberry "u cant do dat"

"itll never work" sed steven

Even though all three of them witnessed it working a couple of days ago.

"it will work" sed josef "and ill name it after my grandfather. ill call it... GAY BUTT SEX"

I would’ve also named it after my grandfather, but for entirely different reasons.

"well how does it work" sed bradberry

"ill show u" sed josef an he stcuk his cock in bradberrys asshole.

"hey dis is pretty good" sed bradberry and he stuck his cock in steven asshole.

"woah!" sed steven an he stuck his cock in josefs asshole.

 

It’s not gay when it’s in a threeway.

A threeway with three guys?

The Lonely Island has spoken.

dey sat around havin gay buttsex.

all da hufflepuffs gathered around.

"wut r u doing" dey sed

"were havin gay butt sex" ssed josef

"gay butt sex" dey sed "wuts dat"

When the bird and the bee both have dicks.

josef showed dem, an den dey all started doing it! even da gay samariten!

"we should show dis to da dumbledoor!" sed da gay samariten.

The Dumblydore from any other story would love it, but this Dumblydore just isn’t the same.

den he lead josef bradberry an steven to pumpass pilots office.

Wait, this Pumass Pilots prick has been Dumblydore this entire time?!

Exactly. Rather than Dumblydore being the headmaster, or the principal in some stories, Dumbyldore is the actual name of the position.

"wut is it dis time, gay samariten!?" sed pumpass pilot "im here havin an important talk wit da wiserd nobel prize president!"

"dis student has invented sumtin rly amasin" sed da gay samariten "its call gay butt sex"

"gay butt sex?" sed pilot "wuts dat?"

den dey demonstarted it for dem.

"im not dat impressed" sed pilot

"WUT R U TALKIN ABOUT PUMPASS" sed da president "DATS DA GRATEST TING IVE EVA SEEN! IN FACT IM GONNA GIVE U DA WISERD NOBEL PRIZE AWARD FOR DIS"

I have no words…

I have no fucks...

"HORRAY" sed bradberry.

later in da great hall josef presented gay butt sex to all da ppl in hogwarts. dey were amased.

Must’ve been a good era, these days when you do that you get tazed. From what I hear.

"JOSEF JOSEF JOSEF" dey all cheered as he got his medal. except 4 da slitherins. "faggots" dey sed.

den josef felt sometin wellin up inside of him. he didnt know wut it wuz. den... his coat slowly turned from gray to multicolored. den he realised... he wuz happy... mabey even... "gay".

den he clicked his heels an did a little turn. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111"

 he sed. an a bigass rainbow went over everyone.

 

dey felt so happy.

(dis is da end of da flashback)

josef sat dere an da raincloud went away. his coat turned multicolored again.

"ur right jesus... i cant let dem all down. dere my friends." sed josef

"good" sed jeses "were da two greatest wiserds da world has eva known. together we can beet slitherin easily."

“Lets go be the gayest wizards ever. And where the fuck is that Turtle guy”

"no" sed josef "dis is personal."

 

 

 

Fluff, tell Martin I’m still not talking to him.

Martin, Ray is not talking to you.

Fluff, tell Ray I give zero fucks.

Ray, Martin-

Fluff, tell Martin he’s a prep who needs to give back my poster.

Where’s Walnuts when you need him...

I’m not getting involved in your little tea party.

Fine, I bet you don’t even own a monical.

I don’t even get payed to do this shit.

Yeah, neither do the rest of us…

Don’t worry Fluff, your check is still being sent.

den agerly he sed "RAINBOW" an a rainbow flew across da woods. we got on it an slid towards da battlefeild.

jesus stood there watchin him go. but den... he felt as if somden dark wuz happinin somewere else...

47 authers note

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1AUTHERS NOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

This’ll be good.

i have sum horrifyin news. i will not b able to post any more chaptas until tanksgivin.

 

 I KNOW. UR GONNA BE SAD. an i no ur all probably sayin "no marquez! u can cum live wit me!"

No you can’t.

but i cant. i have to go live wit my mammas babys daddy for a cupel of months an hes too poor to afford a computer. i may update sometimes if i can go to my local library (were u can find fantastik books like imma wiserd harry potter an da bible)

Is this the real life, is this just fantasy…

wait... wuts dat,,, deres someone at my door! .... its....

"hi marquez"

oh my god!!! its soulja spirit buu jackson!!!! an is dat jesus bhind u?

 

Fuck.You.

"yes an no. ur gonna have to find out 4 urself. u betta catch up marquez. im already goin back to da future!"

wow. dat sounds excition. but wiat... wuts dat in da corner? deres a rainbow cummin out of it! its josef!

"hi marquez"

 

wwhatchu doin here josef

"im lookin for sum gay butt sex. have u seen any?"

oh josef, u queer little white boy.

i gess dis goodbye for now. stay tuned 4 sum more chapters of imma wiserd! deyll be cummin out sumtime neer tankgivin. josef? is dere somtin u want 2 add?

"yeah. to all you readers out there, remeber dis: sum butt sex a day keeps da darklord away!"

Well now that the fourth wall is gone and reality is the same as Harry Potter, I’ll need all the protection I can get.

hahahahaha

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1AUTHERS NOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

48 da AUTHERS RETUrn

 

j.r. rollins

Who is a distant relative of J.K. Rowling, the author of Harry Potter.

wuz sittin at home in england riting da next harry potter book. he

*She

wuz sad bcuz his favorit athor had nut posted any new chaptas loately an he had been chekin everyday.

"i cannot believe i haf 2 wait until tanksgivin" he sed rly sadly an went bak 2 ritin da next hary potter book.

den he stopped. an cheked agin. den... DERE WUZ A NEW CHAPTA!!!!

"OH MY GOD" he sed jumpin out of his seet "MARUEZ JACKSON IS BACK"

he wuz about 2 reed da next chapta wehn... dere wuz a flash of lite! turte wuz standin in da middle of da room!

 

 

 

 

 

 

"were am i" sed turtle

now j.r. rollins wuz rly amased!!! "hey! i no u! arnt u soulja spirit buu jackson?!"

"yes i am" sed turtle

den... j. r. rollins looked at da floor bside turtle "isnt dat jesus?!" sed j.r. rollins

"shh!" sed turtle "ull spoil it 4 everybody!!"

"wutchu doin here" sed j.r. rollins

“I’m here to kill the last remnants of the fourth wall”

"im goin bak frum da present 2 da past" sed turtle

"but dat hasnt happined in da story!!" sed j.r. rollins

J.R. Rollins, do you even know how books work? I mean I guess he’s writing the next book in a series that isn’t even his, so maybe he doesn’t.

"i no. marquez jackson isnt ritin it fast enough" sed turtle

"U MET DA REEL MARQUEZ JACKSON?!!?" sed j.r. rollins.

"i sho did" sed turtle

Yeah, why wouldn’t he? If we’re all part of a book I know I would want to meet the author, mostly to punch him or her in the dick.

"i just met him while going to da future!"

"i luv marquez jackson!" sed j. r. rollins "hes mi insporation!!"

"well" sed turtle lookin arund "i haff 2 get bak 2 hogwarts"

"rly" sed j.r. rollins

"rly" sed turtle

“rly” sed Ray

“rly” sed Fluff

"well i gess ill be reedin about u later" sed j.r. rollins

"goodbi" sed turtle. an dere wuz another flash o lite. an he wuz gone.

49 battle on da nile

How is this story still going on? It should’ve died chapters ago.

da poop deck wuz lookin all shitty.

Would you expect any less?

dere were guts an hufflepuff bodies dat were cut in haff.

Hey Hent, we have more bodies for you.

"dis isnt fabulos at all" sed one of da hufflepuff bodies. den he died.

da slitherins had pushed da hufflepuffs bak 2 da hufflepuff comminroom an dey were now fightin on da nile river.

steven had 1 of da machine guns an wus firin da skittle bullets at one of da slitheyn ships.

"TASTE DA RAINBOW MUTHAFUKKA" he sed.

 

The Care Bears do not approve.

"FIRE DA CANONS" sed da gay samaratin

"AYE AYE" sed bradberry an fired da canon at da slytherin ship. it shot rainbow colored lazors. dere wuz a big esplosion an bodies were goin everywere.

"WE GOT 1" sed da gay samariten

"HORAY" sed 1 of da hufflpuffs but den wuz cut in haff by an enemy machin gun.

Was the machine gun firing knives?

"WILSON" sed anodder hufflepuff.

 

"NOOO" he fell 2 his knees cryin.

den da gay samariten grabed him. "PULL URSELF TOGEDDER MAN" he sed.

"r defensis haff fallin" sed bradberry "deres no1 2 leed us!"

"i gess dats mi cue" sed a voiec in da ski.

"wut wuz dat?" sed da gay samariten

den... dere wus a huge rainbow commin frum da sky!! it blasted in2 da nile river an da nile river parted.

den... in da middle of da lake…

The lake where the battle isn’t taking place anymore…

was... JOSEF!!!!!!! he had his hands up in da air holdin moseses staff!!

"ITS JOSEF" sed da gay samariten

"HORRAY" sed bradberry.

den da captin of one of da ships sed thru da mircofon "FIRE UR CANONS AT DAT FAGOOT"

You’ll have to be a lot more specific.

all da bullets an canon balls were flyin at josef. den dey came 2gedder in da air. dere wuz a huge esplosion.

"NOOOOOOO" sed all da hufflepuffs.

Please be dead Please be dead Please be dead

but da nile river didnt stop partin... den da smoke cleared... josef was

dead, fanfic over.

ok! he put his magik sheeld up just in time! all da bullets an canon balls were in da air in front of him. den he waved da staff an all da bullets an canonballs flew bak 2 da slitheren ships!!

"NOOO" sed da slitherins as dey drowned in da nile river.

You have to be a pretty bad swimmer to drown in the Nile.

den da captin of daq silthyn ship jumped downn.

"SEA DRAGEN" he sed an a 7 heded sea dragen came up frum da sea. it wuz brethin fire at josef.

Of course, because being able to breath fire is just such a useful trait for a sea creature to have.

"RAINBOW" sed josef pointin his staff at da dragen. but dis wuzznt da homsecktual rainbow wee all no an luv but da kind of rainbow dat cud cut thro da hed of a dragen.

Could or will?

an dats exactly wut it did. it went thru da fire an cut da dragens hed in haff. but da 6 odder heds were still alive! da captin removed his belt. dere were lots o grenades on hi belt. he tok da pin off of 1 of dem an thru in in2 da fire dat da six heds were brethin.

"I GOT HIM NOW" sed da captin. but josef had his magik sheeld up an da see dragen an da captin died in da esplosion.

josef arched bak up to da hufflepuff ship.

"deres no way we can loose now!" sed steven

Hurry up and win.

 

den... anodder ship came thru da slitherin ships. it had... A CANON BALL MACHINE GUN!!!!!

These days we just call that artillery.

bullets were flyin all ova da place. den dere ship wuz destroied.

"AHH" dey all sed as dey fell in2 da nile. josef fell in2 da wttar an had 2 hold on2 a flotin piece o wood.

Even though he could part the water around him.


den... he felt somden brush across his leg... it was a crocadile! he had his moth open an wuz about to eat him!! den josef shoved da staff down his throt an cut him in haff.

josef looked around. bradberrys hat wuz on top of da water but bradberry wuz not under it. den a crocadile burt out of da watter. steven wus reslin wit it.

"LET GO OF MI BEST FREND" he yelled tryin to open da crocadiles mouth.

"LET GO OF MY STUDENT" sed da gay samaratin. he wuz behind da crocidile an had his penis pegleg up da crocodiles asshole.

So that’s where the term pegging came from.

den steven opened da crocidiles mouth an bradberry came out. da crocidile was going bak underwatta... BUT HE WUS PULLIN DA GAY SAMARITEN DOWN WIT HIM!!!! da gay samaritens pegleg wus too far up da crocidiles asshole!!!

I have this problem with my penis shaped pegleg all the time, it’s really a hastle. It’s not even attached to me, I just never want to let go of it after shoving it up an angry crocodile's ass.

Tick tock tick tock.

josef came ova and wuz tryin to help da gay samariten up.

"UNSCREW UR PEGLEG" sed josef

"I CANT" sed da gay samaratin. he was gettin dragged down harder "ITS 2 FAR UP"

den josef took da staff an made a wand blade. he cut da pegleg off an draged da gay samamriten up 2 a pieec o wood.

Would that bconsidereded a circumcision?

 da were all flotin on peeces of wood.

Now when you say wood…

den anodder ship pulld up bside dem.

"y hello ther faggots"

 

back to fic

We weren’t in the fic to begin with?

ch 50 da pope

⌠babala chi chi■ sed da pope in his big church. He was sittin down wit a quil an writin da next book of da bible.

⌠ok. bi mr pope■ sed da church guy an left

⌠ive been workin on dis next book of da bible 4 so long... i wish da lord wud give me insoprashun like he did marquez jackson"

he looked on his computa... dere were no new chaptas...

I’m not a historian, but I would guess that there weren’t computers when the bible was being made.

"oh marquez u sed u wud wrote new chaptas... were u just playin wit me" den he started 2 cry.

den dere wuz a bangin at da door.

"NMR POPE" sed da church guy. "wuts goin on in dere"

"just leeve me alone... im so sad...."

den dere wuz a flash of lite an da room esploded. dere were 2 ppl in da middle of da room.

"am i in hogwarts yet" sed turtle

 

den da pope pointed at turtle "its you!!!! soulja spirit bu jackson!"

“Who I somehow recognize despite his minimal description!”

den da pope jumped out of his chair "OH MY GOD" he sed "IS DAT..."

"shh" sed turtle "ull spoil it for everybody"

but it was 2 late. da pope was running up 2 jesus shakin his hand

…Aren’t we already supposed to know Jesus is in the story?

"IM UR BIGGEST FAN" he sed

but jesus din't say anyting.

"jsus is tired" turtle sed. "he wants 2 sit down" and he did.

"what r u doin here" sed da pope

"im tryin 2 get bak 2 da presnt" sed turtle

"turtle let me ask u a question. why hasnt marquez jacksomn posted anynew chapta latly"

Can you stop kicking the 4th wall in the balls, it’s getting tiring.

"i dont no! dis is s ridiculus!" sed turtle "but im sure turtle is busy. he probbaly cudnt get to a librbary an raquell doesnt have a computer"

"ok i understand den" sed da pope "its just ive been so worried about u up in babel tower"

"oh dont worry" sed turtle "ur gonna b suprised. in fact... i bet marquez is writtin dat chapter right now..."

Marquez, if you are in fact seeiing this review, here’s a little life lesson. Breaking the 4th wall can be funny, but not when you bitch slap your readers with it.

den da pope looked on his computer... DERE WUZ A NEW CHAPTA!!!!!!!

Christ, he’s like the fucking Cool Aid man with this wall.

but when he turned around... turtle wuz gone...

Hopefully he won’t come back.

ch 51 in da tower part 2:1000000 floors up

dere wuz an esplosion and fire went everiwere. me an turtle climbed outta da hole.

"dat wuz hard work" i sed

"yes it wuz" sed david. we both had big mussles from all dat fitin an we were covered in swet so u cud see dem well.

den david looked up " omg!!! we made it to da top floor!!!"

den i looked up. we were lookin at da sky.

Almost like they made it to the top floor…

den my tummy started grumblin.

"im so hungrey" sed david "we sudda brot sum food..."

If only there were dead dragons whose meat you could cook with magic…

den i had a remembered... da 1 spell i hadnt used in a long time...

"stand bak" i sed "..... WAAAAATTTTTTTAAAAMMMMEEEEEELLLLLOOOOOOONMNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!"

den de3re wuz da biggest wattamelon dat eva lived

"OMG" sed david an we ate it.

"wut did we cum up here 4" i sed.

 

 den i remembered. "DA WISERD STONE"

den i turned around. dere wuz a table wit a hand on it holdin.... NOTHIN!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

"WUT" i sed

"yes i got here first" sed a voice bhind us evilly.

we turned around... it wuz... VADERMORT FLYIN ON HIS DOLLA BILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111

I have no words.

"yes i have it... AQND NOW IM DA GRATEST WISERD EVER" a ball of dark electricty formed in his hand "YES NOW EVERYTING IN MY PLAN IS GOING ACCORING TO PLAN.... PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111"

 

den... a ball of red energy hit him on da side of hed.

he flew down an hit da stone floor brekin it.

"wut da hell" he sed

Yeah, I was actually hoping for Voldemort to kill them.

 

it wuz... JESUS!!!!!!!

"i tot u were suspended!!!!!" he sed

"i just got bak" sed jesus and thru anodder big red lazor ball at him.

den vadermort made a sord of dark energy in his hand. he cut da ball in haff and each side flew 2 each side. da walls esploded.

"i crusified u once... AND ILL DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!" sed vadermort

I think my mom told me that once.

den... da battle began...