Review #57

ImmaWiserd (Post 2)

Story by raveneagel

Review by Martin




Finally figured out how to post this. Here, enjoy your gay porn.

ch 32 bak to da room

And we’re back to the review, hopefully we’ll remember whatever the fuck is going on but I suspect it’ll make zero difference anyways.

I’ve had the band-aid on for long enough I suppose.

 

me an david were wakkin up da many stairs until we came 2 da ravenclaw picture.

Yup, already remember nothing. Time to play catch up folks.

but it wasnt a picture. it wuz a dragen.

 

Yeah, common mistake.

"u cant cum in unless ur in ravenclaw" it sed

"im in ravenclaw" sed david

"an ill be in ravenclaw in da fututre" i sed.

"ok u can cum in" it sed.

I see no problem with that logic.

an we did.

dere were pillows everywere an goatppl.

I see no problem with that logic.

it wuz really anchent lookin. den a old man wit a bred came up 2 me.

Dumblydore?

 

We are not worthy!

"who r u" i sed

"im noah. noah ark" he sed

Perfect.

"wut r u doin here"

"oh plz mr ark" sed david "me an turtle r hidin from snape. well b here for a while"

"oh i never liked snape" sed noah "he seems kinda evil to me"

You know, just kinda evil. Not completely evil and not simply bad, just kinda evil.

Seems like that one struck a chord with you personally.

Hey, sometimes good guys don’t wear white; sometimes they wear purple and review shitty fanfiction while weaving diabolical lies into even more diabolical truths about themselves all the while. Hypothetically.

'well be hidin out here for a while" sed david

"theyll b lookin up her.

Up her what?

so u need to hide in da upper levels wit da monsters an da demons"

Are they kinda evil too?

"wut" i sed.

"when god wuz goin to flood da world he told me to build an ark. but i built dis tower insted.

Perfect.

Yeah, ‘cause, you know, God’s never all that picky about things, he just kind of makes suggestions here and there. Especially in the old testament.

we all went to da top, but so did all da monsters an demons god wuz tryin to kill. den on da last day

Hurray for ambiguous time management!

I hope it was a Friday.

he sent a raven 2 claw my eyes out. so i decided to call dis house ravenclaw. an dats why we have monsters up dere." he sed

Perfect logic.

"wow" i sed. i wuz amased.

Me too, it sounds like God was trying to undo the evil Adam released into the world, but then Noah went and fucked everything up. Thanks a lot Noah.

"but deres still more" sed noah "a great woserd once made a stone dat gave ppl magikal powers. an he called it da wiserd stone.

Makes sense to me.

Quest Accepted.

an he put at da top of da tower. an to make sure dat no one cud get it he made da demons an monsters more powers. it can turn anyting into anyting else."

That’s a little ambiguous. Martin, just promise me you won’t use it for whatever you and Hent are working on.

Wouldn’t dream of it.

Uh, where are you going?

Just working on some quests.

"if da wiserd stone can change anyting into anyting..." i sed "...den maybe i can use it to invent fried chikin!!" i sed.

I can think of no better use for this incredible power.

And then he so created the water into purple drank.

And it was good.

"hey david" i sed "we sud go an try an find da wiserd stone"

Gee, are ya sure?

Fuck laying low for a while, I can make an infinite supply of fried chicken goddammit!

Yeah, but how awesome would it be if they just said no?

"dat sounds dangerous" sed david "we might need sum wepons" he went in his room an came bak wit a slingshot. "okay lets go"

Ah, so it’s that David, got it.

I sure do hope the wizard stone makes good sling shot ammo.

i took out my gun an my wand "ya lets go" i sed an we went up da stairs.

"dont forget to lock dat big magik door wen you go so dat da monsters dont cum in here!!" sed noah.

 

They’re going to forget and monster will go everywhere!

Damn it Ray, you gave away the bit.

We really need to stop making such specific references.

--

ch 33 in da tower part 1

I never finished the Dark Tower Series, but I imagine this will be a suitable substitute for everything I wanted to know.

we were in da upper level of da tower above da common room. it wuz blak. we cudnt see anyting. denn.... a monster wit glowin green eyes jumped at david. dey were wrestlin on da ground. i wondered why he cudnt see me. den i realised. it wuz dark. an i wuz blak. so he cudnt see me.

Negrouflage, incredible.

david shoved a grenade in his mouth.

One would wonder why he didn’t use that earlier.

"TAKE DIS MOUTHAFUKKA" he sed an den he hit his he so dat da monsters hed esplosded. he flew across da room. in da light of da esplosion i saw sat dere wuz not just one monster. der wuz a gajillion of dem!

 

an dragens. an demons. an bats. but dey werent regular bats. dey were... VAMPIRES!!!!!

Don’t worry, that’s just a picture of all that stuff.

"HOLY SHIT" sed david

i put my hands up an made my magik sheeld. "NOW DIE" i sed

 

an pushed da sheeld toward dem. 50 of da monsters were runnin towards us an dey vaporized. den a vampire put up his sheeld an dey hit in da middle. dere wuz a huge esplosion. da hole tower shook.

Just a thought, I don’t mean to ruin your plans, but wouldn’t it be easier to climb up the outside?

We had to throw out all the climbing gear for all these beautiful rocks.

"wut wuz dat" sed pumpass piolet down in da common room.

"im sure it wuz nottin" sed noah.

"oh ok" sed pilot.

Good save Noah. Dick.

den i took out my wand blade. "COVA ME" i sed

"OK" sed david an put a grenade in his slingshot.

i ran at a monster. he took out his sord of evil. i cudnt sut throu it so he blocked.

Cause and effect, it’s not that complicated. As Jack White put it, you can’t take the effect and make it the cause.

put as i wuz doin dat 20 more vampires came up behind me. so i took out my gun an shot dose muthfukkas down. den da others slashed at me so i blocked wit my gun an slashed dem in haff.

 

den dere wuz an esplosion behind me. david blew up 10 more muthafukkas. den he put in two grenades at once an fired on eitha side of me. all of dem died.

All gajillion! That’s more than a gilahectricion.

 

den a dragen came at me.

 Dragon ain't playin. Come at me Bro.. Adorable. They sell those at the mall where i live

i blocked hit my sheeld

I don’t mean to call into question Eagel’s writing ability, but part of me can’t help but think he’s making this up as he goes.

an all his fire went on da monsters to da other side. den i rolled an cut his hed off. but dere fire comin out of his neck an he had acid blood.

Problem solved, wait for him to dissolve himself.

 

i kicked da neck so dat it spred all ova da odder enemies. den i shot it wit my wand. everyone wuz on fire.

Even Turtle and David? Well that’s unfortunate.

i could see dem now. dere were werewolfs above my hed.

That’s just g-

Martin, you’re needed for science!

 

…Alright then.

dey jumped down wit two sords in each hand.

Let me guess, they weren’t swords.

but dey werent swords.

Let me guess, they were machine gun swords with grenade launchers.

dey were machine gun sords with grenade lanchers.

Let me guess, Turtle and Noah give up and go home.

i put up my sheeld, but dey hit it so hard dat it broke.

Ah well, two outta three ain’t bad.

I’m glad you feel that way, because at least two thirds of the bodies you keep sending me are being put to good use. You can have Martin back, I’m done with him.

i jumped up an cut da first one in half. den i jumped of him an attack da second one. he had his sord up but i cut through it and his hed. den i jumped off him an stabed da third one. den i grabbed one of his sords an shot one of da ones on da ceeling. i shot him so miny times dat he tiurned 2 blud an it fell on me.

Few, and I was worried I’d missed something.

i took dat gun an threw it at da enemys an shot it wit my wand.

Because who would want a gun?

dere wuz a huge esplosion. flamin body parts and blood covered in asid flew toward us.

"NOW I NO I HERD SUMDEN" sed pumpass pilot

"it wus da wind" sed noah.

Master of deception.

"well i can tell dat mr buu jackson isnt here" sed pilot.

Because all students have to be within sight of the principal at all times.

"ill be leevin now" an he left. but just an he left da acid ate thru da floor an we fell thru wit all da flamin monsters.

"wuts goin on here?" sed noah.

i fell out of da hole an cut one of da monsters in haff an blod sprayed everywhere. david wuz standin lookin down from da hole an shootin granades at da monsters. all da windows broke an all da glass flew intoo da monsters an children.

I feel like I’m the government looking for keywords to pick up on. blah blah blah, explosions and young child writing about killing things, “an children,” send in the Navy, Army, and Airforce.

everyone wuz runnin around scarred. excpet me an david.

i ran along da walls an jumped an cut two werewolfs in half.

Oh so this isn’t over, the whole “Being caught by an authority figure and losing all of your progress” thing was just a minor setback.

"everyone calm down" sed noah.

dere wuz a monster in da middle of da room who had a monster in each hand an wuz takin a bite out of each of dem.

How did they survive by themselves in the tower for so long?

an da werewolfs were bitin children so dat dey bcame werewolfs. da vampires were bitin children 2. an deywere tunin into vampires.

Don’t you do it, Hogwarts and vampires never go well together.

den david shot a grenade at da monster at da middle of da floor. his hed esploded.

"OK. DAZ IT" sed noah. a ball of energy came between his hands an he through it.

No! Not it!

Haduken!

it turned into... A WHITE HOLE!!!!

 

an it sucked up all da monsters da furiture an a cuple of children.

Worth it.

den dere wuz a knock at da door.

"noah?" sed pumpass pilot "is sumden wrong in dere?"

"ill be dere in a minute!" sed noah. den he turned to us. "GET YO ASSES BACK UP DERE AN DONT DO DAT AGAIN!!!!!!!!"

-

ch 34 gay butt sex in da chamber of secrets

 

"WHERE WERE U" sed snape 2 some of his detheatters from da future.

"we were down in da pit havin gay butt sex" sed one of da detheatters.

Oh yeah, I actually remember that.

"wut?" sed snape.

"yeah. sum very powerful wiserd clicked his heels an did a little turn an sed "rainbow" an we felt so happy dat we wanted 2 have gay butt sex with eacheother." sed da detheatta

If I had a nickel…

"who did dis?!" sed snape

"dis guy" sed 1 of da detheatters an he turned around. dere wuz josef havin gay butt sex in dat guys ass.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!1

"HOW DID U GET IN DA CHAMBER OF SECRETS" sed harod

Politely asking and lots of lube?

“Shoot, I thought that said Sex Chamber.”

"i wuz lookin around da skool 4 sum gay butt sex" sed josef "have u seen any?"

"no i havnt" sed harod evilly

And I thought I was unobservant.

What?

"NOW GO AWAY AN NEVER RETURN" sed snape "AN FORGET DAT YOU EVER WENT INTO DA CHAMBER OF SECRETS"

"chamber of secrets?" sed josef "wuts dat"

He gets it.

"never mind" sed snape "now GO AWAY"

"ok" sed josef. an he did.

That was a very polite chapter.

I know, I love how casual being fucked in the ass is in this story.

--

ch 35 in da slitheryn commin room

moses wuz lookin around da slitherin commen room at all da chillin. in his hand wuz a magik staff dat turned into a snake. den he saw harod an jezebell wakkin out da door wit a shotgun.

"hey hey hey hey" he sed "u kids cant have shotguns in skool"

“No worries, I’m just holding on to it for a friend.”

"its ok mr moses" sed harod "were not gonna hunt students. were gonna go out in da woods an shoot pupies"

I have a few questions, but go on.

"oh well i gess dats alrite den. but if ur out dere an u see dat evil nigger turtle den u had better shoot him 2 deth" sed moses.

"ok" dey sed

den........... A RAINBOW BUST THRU DA WINDOW !!!!!!!1

 

jezebell got so scared dat she had a baby.

"oh look anodderone" she sed an put it in her bakpack full of babies.

Every school has at least one of those girls, amirite?

den josef slid down da rainbow. "hey guys were u goin" sed josef "if ur goin 2 da chamber of secrets can i cum?"

"shh" sed jebadiah (1 of josefs many brodders)

"hey look its my many brodders!!!" sed josef "i didnt expect 2 see u guys here!!"

"chamber of sectrets?" sed moses "wuts dat"

"oh its a grate place" sed josef

Hogwarts must have a lot of grates, these fanfics never shut up about them.

"were dose ppl go 2 hatch evil schemes with snape"

"WUT" sed moses an his staff into a snake. dat scared jezebel so much dat she had anodder baby which she den put into her bakpack.

Some collectors…

"UR PLOTTIN EVIL TINGS WIT SNAPE"

Okay Joseph, this is super simple, all you have to do is say. “No.”

"yeh" sed josef.

 

den moses ran towards dem. "u cant go outside" he sed. den jezebell hit him ova da hed wit her sack of babies.

 Brace yourself - BRACE YOURSELVES DEAD BABY JOKES ARE COMING

"ow" he sed den fell ova in pain "i gess u kids rly r evil..."

These days I’d consider using a sack of babies as a weapon to be community service.

den hared poped a cap in his ass.

 

den he he started wrigglin around in pain.

"quik lets get out of here" sed jezebell an jezebell harod an josefs many brodders ran away.

"josef..." sed moses

"yes" he sed

"u were right... here take dis staff an stop dem..." den he fell asleep.

“But mom! I don’t want to save the world!”

"tanks" sed josef

 

an looked it up an down "i no wut imma do wit dis"

--

ch 36 da gay samariten

josef at da hufflepuff table eattin fruit loops becuz it wuz his favorite cereal bcuz dey reminded him of fruity gay buttholes.

What does that say about people who eat count chocula?

he wuz sittin an tinkin about da staff dat moses gave him den some1 sat down beside josef wit a big bowl of fruitloops.

"why hello josef" he sed.

"oh hello bradberry" sed josef. bradberry had a mustash an a fancy monical an a colorful top hat.

My new favorite character. Sorry Dumblydore, rest assured you’ll go back to being my favorite after Imma Wiserd, but Eagel just isn’t doing you justice.

"how r u" sed bradberry.

"fabulos" sed josef

"fabulos!" sed bradberry.

den a big muscular man wit a rainbow thong walked past dem.

This is sounding more and more like a dream I had…

"oh hey steven" sed josef

"oh hey" sed steven flewing hois gay arms "u look tubled. have u had ur gay buttsex 2day?"

“Oh shucks, I forgot all about having my gay buttsex today.”

"well i--" sed josef but dey were interuppted by da hed of hufflepuf sittin down.

"hello children" he sed.

“Why are you wearing a thong in the dining hall?”

“Why aren’t you?”

 

"hello mr samariten" all da hufflepuffs sed. but he wasnt da good samartian. he wuz da gay samariten.

Alright America, where are my Gay Samaritan rights?

bcuz when he wuz little he grew u wit da good samaritan da grumpy samaritan da dopey samariten da happy samariten an all da odders.

Hmm, sounds like someone should be compensated somewhere for getting ripped off.

"HEY FAGGOT" sed someone on da slitherin table. den everyone on da hufflepuff table turned bcuz dey were all gay. "are u talkin 2 me" dey all sed.

Yes.

Sorry I was just blowing my friend did you say faggot?

"hey!" sed anodder hufflypuff "if dey called us den dey must have sum gay butsex wit dem!"

"HORRAY" sed bradberry. den all da hufflepuffs got up and moved over to da slitherin tabel 4 sum gay buttsex.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" sed da sltherins. but it wuz too late.

Another lovely, polite chapter, why can’t all of them be like this?

--

ch37 back in da chamber of secrets

The where?

"you better watch out" sed snape "next to jesus hes da gratest wiserd dat ever lived."

Dang, I though Jesus was a jedi.

They both start with J, makes sense.

de were all in da chamber of secrets. jezebell wuz so suprised dat she had a baby.

“Where did I put my backpack?”

harod looked at it hungrily.

Mmm, baby.

 

"well tank u" sed josef. snape snapped around suprised.

"HOW DID U GET IN HERE" sed snape

"my friend steven broke a hole in da wall" sed josef.

"who are dey!?" sed snape.

"oh dese are my friends" sed josef "bradberry an steven"

"how do you do" sed bradberry tippin his hat.

"hey hansome" sed steven flexin his gay mussles.

Yes, his muscles prefer men. It’s just a coincidence that he does too.

"well were gettin tired of u" sed snape "so were gonna have to kill you"

"dont do dat!" sed josef "just be happy!" den he clicked his heels an did a little turn.

 

"RAINBOW"

"avada kadavra" sed snape and da rainbow died.

 

a tear went down josefs face.

"dats so horrible" he sed

"dont b sad josef" sed steven "lets go have some gay buttsex."

"ok" sed josef an dey went away.

"were gonna have to do someden about dat annoyin son of a bitch" sed snape

"but how" sed jezebell "hes da gratest wiserd since jesus"

"we dont have to worry about esus" sed snape "hes suspended. he wont be back any time soon.

The greatest wizard of all time, defeated by suspension.

but harod.... dis is wut well do..."

ch 38 da atomik vibratin

 

antimagik knife

That’s acceptable. I also would’ve accepted dildo.

What weren’t you going to accept?

under his cloak harod had da most powerful antimagik knife ever made. a atomik vibratin antimagik knife. dere wuz 2 big buttcheeks.

On the knife?

"password" it sed

"gay buttsex" sed harod

"DATS CORRECT" sed dat huge ass.

It also would have accepted the actual act. In fact, it would’ve prefered it.

den its butt cheeks spread apart 2 reveal da hufflepuff commin room. but da hufflepuff commin room wuz... EGYPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Joke about Egypt being inside of an asshole*

dere wuz sand everywere an he cud see da penismids (wich is wut dey called da pyrimids back den)

Fuck it, I’m not a historian.

dere were all da huffle puffs havin gay buttsex decorating and doing muikal theater.

Subtle.

den... steven threw his big arms around him.

"hey cutie" he sed "i havent seen u before."

"hey hes probably lookin for sum gay buttsex!!" sed one of da other hufflepuffs

"HORRAY" sed bradberry an all da hufflepuffs ran up to harod 4 sum gay buttsex.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

OOOOOOOOOOOOO" sed harod. but it wuz 2 late.

"hey look he has a vibrator!!" sed one of da hufflepuffs pullin his cock out of harods ass. it wuz da atomic vibratin antimagik knife. he switched it on an shoved it up harods ass.

--

ch 39 harods broken butthole

Ah, continuity.

"DEY RAPED MI BUTT HOLE" sed harod. he wuz standin up in da chamba of sectrets cuz he cudnt sit down. his ass wuz in a cast becuz it had been ripped apart by da cocks of hufflepuufs an da atomik vibratin antimagik knife which wuz shoved so far up his butthole dat doktas sed dat dey cud neva find it.

How many places could it have possibly gone?

They found it in his liver.

"wut" sed snape "but did u manage to kill josef"

"kill me?" sed josef who wuz standin in da corner of da room wit steven an bradberry.

"hey hansome" sed steven

"i had a FABULOS time yesterday" sed bradberry

"u shud cum by more often" sed josef

I think one of these was finally on purpose.

harod turned around an put his butt in a corner so dat dey cudnt have buttsex wit him.

A brilliant tactition, way ahead of his time.

"i underestimated you josef!!" sed snape "but 1 day youll regret dis"

"untill dat day can we have butt sex?" sed josef

"4 DA LAST TIME NO" sed snape

"well well just down here in case u change ur mind" dey sed an sat at sum of da desks.

den snape went up to harod an jezebell an josefs many brodders an wispad so dat josef cudnt hear dem.

"we have 2 do someden about dem soon. its obviously not safe to send a man in dere... but... maybe u jezebell…

A super slut versus the gayest men in the world, it’s like an unstoppable force versus an immovable object.

--

ch 40 josefs not so colorful coat

jezebell wuz hidin in josefs room. it wuz rly dark. den josef came in.

"tank u bradberry. i had a wunderful time" he sed

"fabulos!" sed bradberry.

"fabulos!" sed steven.

den he closed da door. it wuz dark again. den josef stopped.

"whos dere" sed josef

"... butt sex" sed jezebell

"HORRAY" sed josef an jumped in da bed.

It’s a trap!

.... da night past. an den da sun came up ova eygpt.

"ah" sed josef gettin up "im tired frum all dat gay buttsex." an den he looked ova. it wuz... JEZEBELL!!!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

If there’s one thing I appreciate more than gay buttsex, it’s a running gag.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" sed josef. da screem ekhoed across eygpt qan hogwarts.

"wut wuz dat?" sed pumpass pilot sittin in his office.

den jezebell started laffin. she laffed so hard dat she had a baby.

That backpack must really be getting full by now.

josef jumped up. he wuz lookin horrified. slowly his coat turned from rainbow colored to gray.

Martin, I don’t like where this is going.

Neither do I Ray, I’m worried.

"rain cloud..." he sed. an a little rainbow formed above him an started rainin on him.

den... he turned around an rain out of da penismid.

"hey! were r u goin?" sed steven.

"leeve me alone" sed josef

"aww wuts wrong" sed steven "do u want sum gay butt sex?"

"NO" sed josef. den everybody turned around.

 

"WUT" dey all sed. den dey started wisperin. "josef dont want no gay buttsex..."

"what ever is da matter" sed bradberry.

"JUST LEEVE ME ALONE" sed josef an den he forced himself thru da buttcheeks

This time no homo.

an ran away.

--

ch 41 da second qart of da qlan

"mission accomplished" sed jezebell.

"good" sed snape. "now all we have to worry about is dat damn turtle"

Oh yeah, he’s in this story.

"i hear hes in da tower of babel" sed harod

Oh ya, he’s in the tower of babel.

"wuts he doin dere" sed snape

"hes goin to da top so dat he can get da wiserd stone" sed jezebell.

"oh" sed vadermort reechin into his poket "u meen... dis?" he held up... DA WISERD STONE!!!!!!

all da dethetters were amased. den dey all started laffin evilly.

"now for da second part of r plan" sed snape.

Oh, are we at the end? We are at the end!

Yeah, but last time we did an entire half of the story, so this time--

Shut up, this is enough.

I’m not posting it.

Fine, I’ll post it.

Do you even know how?

What are you saying? I’ll figure it out, I bet I have this up by the end of March.