Review #52

Gettin' My Dick Sucked By a TREEEEXXX

Story by PrincessHimeOfDreamsChan

Review by Ray




So Warnuts, Hent, and I are all working on longer reviews, but I took some time off from mine to review this. I hope it's enough to hold you over until Triforces and Clothing and Goffs, oh my!


GETTIN' MY DICK SUCKED BY A T-REEEXXXXXX

There are a lot of disappointing things about this title, but by far the worst is that I first read it as Gettin’ my Dick Sucked By a Tree. And you know what? I was pumped to read about this fine gentleman getting his dick sucked by a tree. Then I saw that it was Jurassic Park fanfiction, and realized it was actually T-rex. Which is somehow less interesting, because believe it or not I’ve already read that type of shit.

- Donald Gennaro

So, there I was, taking the biggest dump of my life.

What, was it this story?

Two weeks of island food? Do you know what that will do do a man's colon?

No, and I’d greatly appreciate it if you didn’t tell me.

Imagine Vietnam, except replace the fuckin' goodks with dingleberries the size of you fuckin' gramma's tits.

…Which grandma?

(My gramma's gramma had some big fuckin' titties!

Okay Princess Hime, in that case you should’ve said, “the size of my fuckin’ gramma’s tits.” When you direct it at the reader it opens things up to an entirely different meaning.

Like those goddamn giant pumpkins you see at the fair.)

 

Why was that not the analogy in the first place?

So, anways. I was takin' the biggest fuckin' shit of my goddamn life.

Pumpkins out the ass, reminds me of a certain Cub Training Institute story which shall remain nameless.

Oh, wait. Maybe I need to give you fuckers some back story.

No no, you’ve definitely covered everything we need to know.

I mean, I told you about the island food and the shit and alls. BUT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE DINOSAURS?

No you haven’t and you really don’t have to, anyone who wanted to read your story has probably already seen the movie. Or they wanted to read about an arborescent blowjob but had their dreams shit on by grandma tit pumpkins, one or the other.

THERE. ARE. FUCKING. DINOSAURS. ON. THIS. ISLAND.

 

DINOSAURS. REAL LIFE, STOMPIN', ROARIN', JUMPIN', RUNNIN', DICK-SUCKIN', RAZOR-CLAWED, DINOSAURS.

Wait, go back; jumpin’? Did they jump at all? Well, yeah, I guess the little ones must’ve. Alright, moving on from this otherwise completely mundane statement, what’s next?

So, yeah. That's cool, right?

Yeah, it’s pretty neat, and did you say the dinosaurs suck dick just a second ago?

I got a call from my buddy, Joey, the other night. He says a new "amusement park" is opening up on some fuckin' island and they need a lawyer to make sure it's koshire n' shit.

I believe the profession you’re looking for is rabbi, but hey, I’m sure a dinosaur sodomizing lawyer will work in a pinch.

"Sure!" I says. An island vacation? Sun, and, and amusement parks? Sign my fuckin' ass up.

So, I get to the island and I'm all like HOLY SHIT DINOSAURS. I. FUCKIN'. LOVE. DINOSAURS!

Literally.

Seriously, DINOSAURS GIVE ME A BONER.

Even more literally.

I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A DINOSAUR.

The most literal thing you’ve seen in your fucking life.

So, anyway, I'm checking out this island I and I notice this one T-Rex givin' me the The Eye.

So “sexy dinosaur” is now in my search history, but I found whatever the hell this is so I guess it was worth it.

 

You know how it is when a hot fuckin' piece of ass wants to jump up on your CUNT SMASHER.

Why yes, that happens all the time…

 

Flutterin' her eyelashes, swishin' her tail. I swear to GOD that HOPA got her claws manicured just for me.

Maybe if they’d invested less in dinosaur manicures and more in dinosaur security, things would’ve gone much better for everyone.

You know what? It totally worked. I was sportin' serious wood all week.

Oh, all week. The way these stories usually go I just figured he’d drop his pants and fuck the dinosaur right then and there.

Made it hard to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doin', know what I mean?

This time I actually do, yes. But I think it’s a little presumptuous to assume that everybody reading a dinosaur fanfiction lemon has been in a remotely similar situation.

I was lettin' these assholes get away with all sortsa shit cause all I could think of was tapping some sweet T-Rex pussy.

Well there you have it folks, the reason Jurassic Park was a failure all comes down to rule 34.

Wanna hear somtethin' fuckin' hilarious?

Would it stop you if I said no?

They got this one fat fuckin' asshole runnin the whole IT department. HA!

That’s supposed to be fuckin’ hilarious? I mean it’s mildly amusing, but I wouldn’t call it hilarious.

I should slapped them with the biggest fuckin' lawsuit. I mean. You're runnin' a FUCKING THEAM PARK WITH GODDAMN DINOSAURS ON IT.

Dude likes his dinosaurs.

And your whole system's run by one fat fuckin' shithead who's one twinkie away from a heart attack? Please!

I didn't give a shit, though.

Really? Because it sounds like you give a shit on a couple of levels.

That fat fuck fucked up the whole thing. Let the fuckin' dinosaurs out, and now they're runnin' the whole goddamn island.

So this is after the dinosaurs were let out, and so far the biggest thing to happen is the protagonist taking a shit. Way to prioritize Princess Hime.

So, yeah. That's what happened. We were taking some bullshit tour of the island in these magic self-drivin' cars or some shit when the brown matter hit the fan, if you know what I mean.

I do know what you mean, and I also know you have no reason not to say shit at this point.

I was in the can, cause I just had to get the fuck outta that car. That fuckin' scientsit's gay-ass kid would NOT SHUT UP about the night-vision goggles and I was a jersey second away from beatin' that kid's skull in with my fat purple cock

Pleasant. And the kid is the gay one?

when mother nature came knockin' at the door.

Well, more like bustin' the door down with a SWAT-issue battering ram, but let's not get caught up in semantics.

Let’s also not get caught up on metaphors which are taking up precious time, time which could be used to describe the T-rex blowjob you promised in the title.

So, anyways, I'm dropping a whole forest's worth o' logs here, when that hot piece of T-Rex ass busts down the bathroom. Not the door, the WHOLE FUCKIN' BATHROOM.

Such elegant and graceful creatures, what a fantastic idea it was to fill an island with them.

I'm like, "WHAT THE FUCK, BITCH, I'M DOIN' A DEUCE HERE." But you know what? That freaky fuckin' slut doesn't care. She starts goin' to town on my dick while I'm havin' a number two.

blumpkin

1. The delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump.

This instalment of the Retributionists was brought to you by Urban Dictionary, even if they don’t know it.

Seriously, guys, it sounds fuckin' disgusting, but YOU GOTTA TRY IT.

The dinosaur part or the shitting part? I guess either way you have a story to tell.

OH. MY. GOD. Best fuckin' blowjob.

But where could you possibly go from there? There’s no toppin’ it, you have to live the rest of your life knowing that the best is behind you.

So, anyway. To make a long story short.

In all the wrong places.

A dinosaur sucked my dick while I took a shit and then she ate everyone and didn't even give me her fuckin' number.

Damn, what a--

Slut.

Took the words right out of my color Princess Hime. I’m gonna go look for a story about a tree giving someone a blowjob, hopefully the rest of you can find something just as productive to do until next time.