Review #50

Story by The Retributionists

Review by The Retributionists




"in•tro•spec•tion: observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself."

Or in more direct terms, we're going to review our own stories to celebrate our fiftieth retribution. All five of us chose a canon to write about, and had the others assign us something to cross it with. And surprisingly, the majority of us actually followed through with it. Here they are, arranged from most fucks given to least.


One Direction to Hell, by Lieutenant Fluff

Fluff chose to write a Deadpool fanfic, and I burdened him with One Direction. Let’s see how he he did.

Loud music played in the background.

Classical, I would assume.

Pizza boxes littered the floor of the unkept apartment. In the corner of the living room,  over-filled trash bags clutter around.  Deadpool lays unconscious on his piss stained couch.

Is this what he’s usually like?

I did my research.

Outside the apartment, a car blindsides another car.

Without this detail, the story would fall apart.

Eh, it’s scenery, we can live with it.

The loud bang forces Wilson awake as he rubs his forehead. “What the fuck did I do last night?”

A good question to ask yourself in the morning. And is it Wilson or Deadpool?

Deadpool’s real name is Wade Wilson.

Well pick a fucking name. But please tell me his middle name is something with a W.

I thinks it’s Fredrick.

Dammit.

Deadpool asks himself.  Deadpool looks around to find his gun in a puddle of beer and vomit.

I’ve never tried keeping my guns in pools of bodily fluids. But I guess I’m no chemist, so maybe it’s actually good for them.

Deadpool walks over and picks it up, shacks off the vomit, and  puts it away. “Damn I fucking hate hangovers,”

Yeah, the first one was good but it went downhill after that.

Wilson yells out loud. “One of the biggest fucking downers to alcohol.”

That and all of the lives they’ve ruined.

Ruined Made tolerable.

Is this a review or a PSA?

Yes.

So if Martin’s not here you’re just gonna steal his jokes?

Fuck yes I am, it’s my schtick.

Deadpool walks toward his kitchen, trying to avoid all the vomit  and beer on the floor. He gets to the fridge and opens it and takes out a piece of pizza. Before Deadpool can take a bite he hears two girls outside his apartment talking.

“So do you have that cup?”

That’s probably what Deadpool thought they were talking about.

“Did you hear One Direction is coming to this city!” one of the girls yells.

Why are you yelling?

Maybe you missed the “One Direction obsessed girls” part.

“Oh my god, they are like my favorite band,”

Bitch, you need to get better bands.

Yeah, like bands that sing about beards and only beards.

Get the fuck out.

Grow a fucking beard.

Says mister chin scraps.

At least neither of you have shitty hair running down your entire neck.

A PSA for the internet.

the other girl yells. “Their new album totally rocks.”

Sucks, rocks…

“IT’S THE BEST!”

Best, worst…

the first girl yell, more high pitched than before.

I gotta give you credit, that’s a great fucking detail. They can’t talk like we do, they have to one up each other’s pich.

Deadpool grips the pizza hard and then throws it over his shoulder.

If you don’t want it I’ll take it.

He had enough with bratty bitches talking about One Direction 24/ fucking 7. He needed to think of a plan, a good plan, a plan that would carry the most fatalities.

That is a good plan.

And at the end of this Hentai Man can have all the bodies. Do you know what he’s working on?

You want me to fling my laptop out of my window?

And then it hit him - the concert.

The entire concert hit him? I know they have a big fanbase but damn.

You don’t wanna know the stories I heard about the 1D fanbase.

He would buy a ticket to that concert and murder that band.

It’s perfect.

It was perfect.

 

All he needed to do was buy that ticket. He ran over to his beat up computer and looked up One Direction tickets.

“FUCK!” Deadpool yelled at the screen. The concert was sold out. “Time for plan B.”

 

Is that a trap to catch monkeys?

Yes, it’s how I caught Warnuts. But mostly it’s for redditors who want to know how big something is.

At the concert, Deadpool jumps over a wall to get to the inside of the concert. He could hear clearly the sound of music, bad music, music that made him want to shoot him….BANG.

Deadpool stands up after shooting himself in the face.

Can Deadpool not die?

He can not give a fuck pretty damn well.

He looks to where the music was centered at. Hundreds of teens gathered close to the stage where a boy band was singing.  Deadpool walked toward the group, squeezing past all the preteens in his way.

Squeezing? In honor of Hentai Man.

 

Hey, watch it. It’s honour.

Deadpool took out his pistol and pointed it at the singer. “Hey cock sucker,” Deadpool yells. “I have a song request!” Deadpool shoots the singer in the forehead.

Bang Bang Bang by Group X?

The singer falls to the ground dead, the music abruptly stops and all of the fans begin running away.

Aw, why’d they stop?

The other band members looks completely shocked.

Really? I mean it was only a matter of time, even a devoted fan might have done it.

Deadpool looks at them, their eyes nearly pop out of their heads when he jumps up on stage.

“Now then,” Deadpool says. “Where shall we begin?”

With Harry.

Why Harry?

He’s the only band member whose name I know.

I don’t know any of their fucking names.

I am impressed you wrote a story about them without giving a single fuck about who they are, it takes dedication.

Yeah dedication, let’s go with that.

“Wh...what are you going to do with us?” One of the members asks, sheepishly.

Mother-- what did he just do to one of your band members?

“What am I going to do with you?” Deadpool asks. “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH YOU!?” Deadpool looks at the ground where the dead singer lays in a pool of blood. Deadpool squats down and picks up the bloody mic off the ground, stands up and looks at the band. “I am going to transform you into the most HOTTEST and AMAZING BAND IN THE WORLD!”

Aren’t they already the “hottest and amazing”?

 

I will stab you in the dick.

 

“Wha...what?” one of the members says, surprised.

“It’s gonna be perfect,” Deadpool says. “The greatest heavy rock and roll band this generation has ever seen.

At least he picks a good genre.

There will be a slight change in the fanbase, but we’ll worry about that latter.”

“Wait, you want to be a member of One Direction?” A member stands up to him. “After you just murdered a member of our band in cold blood.”

Cult rules, bitch.

“Yeah,” Deadpool shrugged.

“Ok,” the entire group said.

This is the part where I lost all my fucks and just tried my best to end it.

And so began the adventures of One Direction to Hell, a 3-time award winning hard rock band. The band traveled all over the world, playing to their new fanbase of young adults. The band grew famous for their lead singer/multi-millionaire playboy, Deadpool. The adventure seemed unending, until Deadpool got bored of singing and killed the rest of One Direction and returned home, exhausted.

The ending we all hoped for. Next is Fuck, by Warnuts.

Fuck, by Warnuts

Oh dear god do i really have to do this......(sigh)

Martin and Hent never wrote theirs, so apparently not.

fine here we go alucard from hellsing ultimate and the chair from pee wees' playhouse.

First he chose the chair from Pee Wee’s Playhouse, and Hent made him cross it with Alucard. Then he didn’t want to do the chair anymore and chose Alucard, so Martin and I made him cross it with the chair from Pee Wee’s Playhouse.

Asshole.

Alucard and Saris Victoria were walking to whogivesashitland

I have a relative who lives there.

"So why are we going to this house again?" asked Saris. "Because fuck you that's why."

Yeah, it’s probably what any rational person would say.

Alucard’s not really rational.

 

"So you're not going to tell me are you?" "Nope" just then they came upon a rather odd looking house.

Hentia Man’s Dungeon?

It had some shiny looking walls, and a busted up sphinx on the roof. "What is this place?" Saris asked. "The house of a truly fucked up man who may or may not be a vampire.

I know nothing about either canon, so let’s go with that.

I’ve only seen a couple of episodes of Hellsing so I’m with you there.

So we're here to kill him."

While you’re at it I have another list for you; Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, Willow, Vampire Potter, Darco, Edward, and Twila who you readers will get to learn all about sometime soon.

Alucard said as he cocked his guns.

 

"But if he might not be a vampire why kill?"

I forgot the him--

All submissions are final!

"Don't know, for fun." He said as he kicked open shooting the three flowers in the face. This got Pee Wees' attention, "What the fuck just happened!?!

 "Time to die bitch!" Has alucard finished his sentence,

I believe he has.

lights and other crazy shit started happening. "You said the word of the day, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH

Was it time?

-""Oh shut up." And Alucard shot Pee Wee in the face 69 times.

Exactly 69.

"Well now that that's done lets fuck." Alucard said disrobing

Perfect transition, really nailed the spillover effect.

"Why not." And Saris jumped onto Alucard thus falling onto the chair, not knowing it was alive. So they fucked... A lot...and he broke her hymen....

Dat romance.

If she wasn’t a virgin she wouldn’t have turned into a vampire.

You say that like it makes things more rational.

Isn’t it well known that The Retributionists aren’t rational.

 

and the blood got on the chair... and Alucard came.... A lot....

I think… I think the narrator… ran out of breath.

No I just ran out of fucks.

it also got on the chair..... and Saris came....A lot (she's a squirter)...

She’s a squirtle?

Squirter.

She’s a squirtle?

Gotta catch em all!

it also got on the chair. This continued for 5 hours. They then took a smoke break.... Then fucked for 10 more hours.

 

'OOOOOHHHH GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO MEEEEE!?! Do they know I'm alive?' The chair thought. "OKAY ENOUGH! GET OFF!" He said as he flipped the off "WHERE'S MY MACHETES!”

Please tell me the machetes talk.

No, I’m sorry, they don’t. In Fuck 2 they will though.

Alucard and Saris were amazed as they watched the chair grab a machete and stared running at them

How does a chair run?!

Chairs have legs, what?

 and cutting off Alucards' head .

Now I remember Alucard, but who is this Alucards?

"Oh no." Saris said in a sarcastic tone. "You killed him." She then started laughing her ass off. "What's so funny!" "Oh it's just that wont kill him... See." When the chair turned to look he saw Alucard pointing his gun at him. "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!" "In the mortal words of ray 'Don't worry about it.'"

Woohoo, kameo!

And with that he pulled the trigger. Everything seemed to slowdown as the bullet left the gun. And the last thing that went through his head besides the bullet  was 'well shit. '

Provided I actually get the chance to say them, I’m pretty sure those would be my last words too. That or, “Unquote.”

and with that his brains splattered on the walls. "Well now that he's dead I see an open bed, up for round 2?" "Why not." And so they went to the bed... And fucked... Again

Warnuts, get ready to write a sequel involving the bed.

It’s Fuck 2 Revenge of the Machetes, not the bed.

I smell a trilogy.

THE END

There! Are you happy now.

Rarely, but I’m looking forward to you two poor fuckers having to read mine. I chose Fable: the Lost Chapters, one of my favorite games. Fluff made me cross it with, well, just read.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!

My Immortal: the Lost Chapters, by Ray Thompson

AN: special fangz (NOT!1) 2 my frend lutenent fLuffy 4 makin me rune fabl wit Enoby.

Authers Note: Special thanks (not!!) to my friend Lieutenant Fluff for making me ruin Fable with Enoby

I already regret my fucking decision.

 U roK (JK eeF U! mistery ur da luv of my derprezzing lief u roc 2! GD ROX!

You rock(Just kidding fuck You! mystry you’re the love of my depressing life you rock too! Green Day rocks!

Are you really going translate every line?

No, just the lines you have wrong.

Well after this next paragraph, I can assure it gets much, much worse.

I should of picked Batman. Why the fuck did I not pick Batman.

Deep in the forest of Albion lay the small town of Oakvale, unchanged by time and untouched by the sword. Here lived a girl and her family; a girl dreaming of greatness, of one day being a hero. Sometimes she imagined herself as a noble knight, or a powerful wizard. And other times she dreamt she'd be an evil warrior. But in all her dreams of greatness she could not possibly imagine the power of the destiny that lay before her.

I’m lost, why is there good writing?

It’s the intro to the game modified for a female protagonist, figured I should at least pay some homage to the canon.

Hi my name iz Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and dis is mie story lol.

Nope, I’m out! Fluff’s got this one!

You get back here right now! Don’t make me get the shackles!

Bitch I can leave my cage whenever I want.

You’re right, we really need a better cage.

so i wok up in my cofin one day and mI dad hoos a PREP told me i had to due nice thingz 4 ppl and im lik FjUCK UUUU!111111””

Fun Fact: every time my immortal is read out loud an English teacher kills themself.

 nd i put up my midle f1nger at him. i went 2oo da meerrer and i waz wering a lung blakk drezs w/ purpl fischnetz an a TOns of wite makup evan tho im pail but ppl tell me i luk butiful eider Way but i do it stll. mI hare is short n blac but 2day i wus wearrin it dwn 2 my waste. Al so im a vampyre butt yu du’nt kno dat yrt..

You know just because you had to cross it with My Immortal doesn’t mean you had to write it in My Immortalese.

i WEnt 2 wear my tots goffic sista

You wear your sister?

(NOT LIK DAT PERV!111)

Ray just called you a perv Walnuts, what you gonna do about it?

He’s not far off.

Just know readers, we don’t always find these stories because we were looking for something to review.

 was and i sayed “hay bich u look kawaii”

No more kawaii!

U look eeven moar tho’ she sayd bacc. “i hadd dis crazzy drem last nite nd the hole town was died!11

I wanna died too.

“OMFS(geddit?!)”

 

i say to her and den this big ugly prEp wit abeerd and 2 sords cums 2 hear and says “aye doth beith here to killlth Eboby… were is her am?///

“FUc hes gonna fimd meh!1 i Screem” buyt he don her it cuz he iz lookin somwere elz.

I’m over there.

den he kiLLsed mi siztra an i cut mi rists but i dpnt dy bcus im a vampire!1111111111 (aN: suprized u!)

Yes Ray, you do surprise me. And scare me at the same time.

Duality is what I aim for.

my sistr amd me go 2 tha houz

I just hurt myself trying to bring logic into this.

and see my dad ded aldd weer sad even if hez a pprewp and thn this s,aef amd thn this wizrd coms and say “R u A prep?”

“NO!11” i wispr and thn he saz “gud come wit me den and i “sY K WAI NOT LOL”

Okay crazy idea but here--

Like hell you’re deleting the story.

I’m with Warnuts on this one.

so thn we go nd i ask weer ar we and he says “da best skool 4 goffs eva:: da wizradses gild 4 gofz!1” he shos me my rum

Rum!

and mi rromaet and bff willow (an; ddats wilow frum the frst 1] is der and she ses “u look lik ammy Lee rfom da cideo 4 brng me 2 lif but mor beutiful xsept not cuz itz not posibl”

“Why are you so good at My Immortalese?” Warnuts says while sobbing.

“I say fangz an we go to da klassez and we go tak 2 dis stuped takinh dore and it letz me in cuz im so goff and insid is A MCR CONSERT!11!111

How many times do they go to this concert?

Like I remember.

Like I give a fuck.

Like I cared in the first place.

Gerard iz so hott i hav a orgas<M and hee plays my fav song Helena

Is it ironic that song is about a dead person, because that’s how I feel right now.

nd me and mah bf Vampir who is senstiv an bi mosh 2 it 4 lik forr ours nd den gerrard taks of his mazk and its rily tWIn badez!1 me and darco take of eech odderz cloves nd mak out nd them pu his thinggie in my yu-knowhat and we did it 4 evah and den i wnt bak2 mi cofin an wen 2 sleep and wen i wok up it wuz da next dayu and wqent to da mcr consrt wif my bf vampire.

Ray’s too good, he wins!

wen da concwert is over me and hhim and WIllow and me went 2 da magik clas wif profeser briar Roze.

shee sez “k so u need 2 use magek 2 kill da preppy dumbeys but not tha goffic smrtys (GEDDIT?)

 

1s bcuz dose are goffic nd awsom and u cant kilL dem amyways cuz ther goffgic”

“ok” sez us.

i shotted goffic litening at dis one nd it trned 2 a skull nd sploded and killed every1 in da scool den vampr trid to shot a goffic spel but he cudnt also vampir is jak of blads but he dreses in blak and vilet and wite but mostly blak cus hes goff an he looks just lkie billy joel Armstrng. Then heeEEEEEE DUZ USE DA SPEL WEN HE SAYYS ‘fAMOUSO lASTO wORDSO’ 9DATS 4U MCR FANZ0 AND DEN He mad da preppy dumy desroyewd. willow did 2.

I don’t have the strength to say anything about this paragraph.

g”ud job slutts “ brar rose asys nd den she says “u r reddy to be goffs!1” “Buts we alreddy is goffs”!1111 i say in angrty!11

“i no but noww u can be reel goffs” she pologisesed.

we go 2 da plase were da goff R mayd 2 tru gofs nd da old wizerd guy and brar roz giv us dese thingz and we say ‘cool” ad go out da goffic wizrd skull (geddit?)

 

and then Canon Jesus decapitated all of them in a gruesome yet righteous fit of rage spawned by a certain lieutenant’s reckless decision, damning Albion by killing the hero of Oakvale but putting it out of its misery. The fucking end.

 

 

Beautiful ending, very beautiful. Thank god it’s over.

I’ll say.

Oh hell the fuck no, get over here!

 

 

That just gets easier every time. Hent, Martin, I’ve got another one for you!

I don’t wanna leave my cage again, I promise I’ll stay!