Review #48

Becoming Female

Story by Venus god

Review by Ray




What is it about Harry Potter that inspires so much bad fanfiction? These writers are dedicated too, this one is fifty five chapters; Imma Wiserd and My Immortal were both about the same. Whatever the reason, I don’t understand why these people don’t just write books.

Chapter 1, The change

I dont own hp cuz I'm not rich. No flames,

 

but tell me if you think Draco is a bit OOC cuz my sister thought he was acting a bit weird.

OOC is text for out of character, and I honestly wouldn’t know if he is or not. All I’ve read about Harry Potter has been in the form of fanfiction, so I’ve never actually seen Draco in character.

~~~~~

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, POTTER!!!" yelled Snape.

"I'M MAKING A POTION, YOU GREASY BASTARD!!" I yelled back.

“PLEASE TELL ME NOT ALL DIALOGUE IS IN CAPS!”

"How DARE you call me that, you inferior student!" complained Snape.

"That's TWO POINTS from Gryffindor!"

 

"No, sir, please!" I begged.

"Keep going and it'll be ALL THREE POINTS!" threatened Snape. Gryffindor had been down to three points and now we only had one left.

These numbers mean nothing to me, for all I know it’s like golf and the lowest score wins.

Draco Malfoy smirked at me.

Shipping clear to launch in T minus three… two… one…

He was the hottest guy in school

Ship initiated, prep for momentary setback followed by outside resistance followed by emotional conclusion.

and all the girls wanted him, but I was a boy and not gay so we couldn't be together.

Momentary setback is a go, standby for resistance.

Honestly though, I don’t see the struggle here. Harry isn’t gay, fair enough, but clearly he’s attracted to Draco. If the conflict were set up around him being confused over this one in a million crush that could work, but Harry gets a healthy dose of deus ex machina before this conflict can even be explored beyond stating that it exists.

"Have you all finished your Acorn Potions?" asked Snape angrily. "If they're done right, pouring them over random objects should turn them into acorns. If they're done wrong, they'll cause you to pass out and thenpermanently change gender forever."

 

Seriously magic, what the fuck? There are so many holes in that logic that I actually think it was deliberate. Starting with the obvious, how are those two potential effects related at all? Second, the desired effect occurs when it’s poured on something, the other one occurs when you drink the potion. Is the only difference between a successful potion and an unsuccessful one how it’s used? Third, if the gender swap is permanent, what happens if you fuck it up a second time? Fourth, why would the students be working with something so potentially life altering? And fifth, who the hell needs an acorn potion in the first place?

"I think you should test Potter's," said Draco, his gray eyes glinting.

"An excellent idea, Draco!" said Snape buoyantly. "Potter, drink your potion."

"But I thought we were supposed to -"

"Drink it now or I'll take one point from Gryffindor!" emitted Snape loudly.

 

I drowned a cup of the potion and promptly fell unconscious!

****

I woke up in the infirmary with all my friends gathered around me.

Yeah, that’s rarely a good sign.

"Harry, you're all right!" Ginny explained.

"Yeah, but I feel different," I said.

"You've, well, changed," said Hermione in a small voice.

“I’m not quite sure how to say this Harry, but you’re an acorn now.”

"What do you mean?" I asked. Ginny passed me a hand mirror and I looked into it.

Damn, Ginny was prepared for this shit. Two million point to or from whatever house he or she is part of.

A perfectly tanned picture of feminine beauty stared back at me!

 

Alright, let’s just get this over with; what level of Mary Sue are we dealing with this time?

I was thin enough to be anorexic

Which isn’t generally a good thing.

with D-cups

I’m sure those go great with your thin enough to be anorexic body.

 

curves in all the right places! My black hair was long and silky like silk

That analogy was as bad as a bad analogy.

and it went down to my feet!

And to clarify, you needed a mirror to see that?

I was wearing lip gloss, blush and mascara from Maybelline!

How did that get there? Did somebody put it on her while she was unconscious? Is Maybelline the sponsor of the acorn potion? Was she already wearing it before she turned into a woman? That last one might actually explain how she immediately knew which brand it was.

Also, my scar was gone and I didn't need glasses anymore.

 

Then why did she start off as Harry Potter in the first place? And don’t tell me it was for the name or the status, because those are changing soon too.

"Oh, my God, I'm a GIRL!!" I screamed.

"And WHAT is wrong with being a girl?" asked Hermione, putting her hands on her hips.

Calm your tits Hermione, if you woke up as a dude you’d be pretty shocked too.

"Uh, nothing," I said quickly. "It's just that I'm used to be being a boy."

She… he? It really is taking this well.

At that moment, Dumbledore rode into the hospital wing on a unicycle wearing an old-fashioned bathing suit.

 

Dumblydore, good to see ya again!

"Good afternoon, Harry," he said as he alighted. "As I'm sure you've noticed, you're female now."

"No biggie," I said. "You can change me back, of course."

What part of permanent don’t you understand? No, seriously, what part? Because between the two of us I bet we can figure this whole acorn potion thing out, I’m still stuck on it.

"Uh, about that..." said Dumbledore awkwardly.

"You CAN'T!" I shouted. "But you're the greatest wizard in the world!"

Damn right he is.

"Well, I'm sorry my powers aren't infinite!" Dumbledore shot back. "You're the one who's so upset about being a girl. Are you going to be sexist like Ron?"

Is Ron known for being particularly sexist? Huh, the more you know.

"No," I decided. "But how can I be a girl? I don't even know how to braid hair or fry spaghetti!"

 

Those are the first two things he thinks of? The first one I understand even if it’s not required and it’s easy to learn, but what godforsaken maniac fries spaghetti?

"Hermione will teach you everything you need to know!" said Dumbledore cheerfully.

Whether you think it’s a good plan or not, just know that it was Dumblydore who came up with it, and therefor it’s perfect.

 

"Okay, first of all you need to read lots of books and be really smart!" said Hermione.

 

"How to be a NORMAL girl," corrected Dumbledore, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, well, in that case, we'd better take you shopping in Hogsmeade!" Hermione said eagerly.

 

"Unlike me, you'll need lots of girly clothes!"

Wait a minute, doesn’t Hogwarts have a dress code? Or are vests and robes just all the rage these days?

"Okay, but how will we explain this to the rest of school?" I asked, wondering what Draco would think.

 

"I'll tell everyone that Harry Potter left the school and that you're a new student," said Dumbledore.

A fantastic idea Dumblydore, how could that possibly be suspicious?

"No one had better suspect that I'm Harry," I said.

Relax, you aren’t.

"Don't worry," insisted Dumbledore, "I'm the bestest wizard in the world! I'll come up with a watertight story no one will see through!"

 

****

"I am sorry to inform you all that Harry Potter has left the school," Dumbledore told everyone in the Great Hall the next morning. "You see... his parents died... which you all know, of course but, uh... Harry's invitation to their funeral got lost in the mail so he's just left now and he won't ever come back for... some reason. Anyway, on a completely, utterly unrelated note, I would like to introduce Harriet Potter to our school! Harriet Potter is a new student and not, repeat NOT, Harry Potter permanently turned into a girl by a potions accident yesterday which had multiple witnesses. She's just transferred here from... a school... somewhere and... did I mention that's she's not Harry Potter? I did? Oh, good, 'cause she's not. You got that, right? Right, completely, totally different person from Harry Potter who's away because of... whatever the story I told you about him was. Got that? Good.

 

That one speech was so perfect that I’m forgiving all previous plot holes, way to go Dumblydore. I suppose Venus god, the writer, might’ve also had something to do with it.

Here's Harriet Potter now!"

I walked confidently into the Great Hall. I was wearing a cream-colored blouse with bright purple polka dots, a fleece jacket with pink and red horizontal stripes and an olive green mini.

Subtle.

I was wearing lavender flip-flops with lime green tube socks over my mustard yellow tights.

 

I also had on a bra and panties, but they were under the rest of my clothes so you couldn't see them.

Okay, I get it now; this is a deliberate parody of bad fanfiction, not a direct work of bad fanfiction.

I had dyed my hair blue and put it in buns like Princess Leia from "Star Wars". All the boys stared lustfully at me while most of the girls looked incredibly jealous.

With an outfit like hers, I’m guessing they’re mostly jealous of her confidence.

"Hello," I said to everyone, "I'm not Harry Potter."

 

~~~~~

Did you think it was funny? Plz tell me!

 

Yeah, I actually do think it’s funny. And I think I made a mistake; Becoming Female doesn’t need retribution at all. This is the first time since Cupcakes that a story seemed like it would be complete garbage, but actually turned out to be enjoyable. Congratulations Venus god, have some endorsement. Well, that just about--

Ray, don’t do it!

Fluff? Do what?

This a fifty five chapter long work of Harry Potter fanfiction, it’s only a matter of time before you kill another version of yourself.

Believe it or not, this story’s not that bad.

So… you’re not going to kill any purples?

Nope.

You won’t go insane and overdose on Fukitol?

Well, we’ll see what happens later tonight, but not because of this story.

Are we even going to look at the rest of this?

You can if you’d like.

 

No, no, it’s fine, I didn’t want to review anything anyways…

Yeah, it’s disappointing when things aren’t disappointing.