Review #43

Goffik Blood

Story by XXXDarkBlooddXXX

Review by Ray




"As Retributionists I believe that it is our duty to review any and all forms of My Immortal. But it would seem that all my esteemed colleagues enjoy having their mental health, pfft. So it looks like I'm tackling this one myself."

Some of you might recognize that as the opening quote of Warnuts' review of My Immortal Three. Here's my problem with it. I agree with the first part; we should review My Immortal any chance we get. But when he said we value our mental health, he was sorely mistaken. If anything I'd consider him the most psychologically sound of all five Retributionists, both in and out of character. So to prove myself and show him that the version he reviewed was far from the worst, here's Goffik Blood.


Chapter 1

AN: heeyy guys blease dos is my 1 story dunt flame cuz i am not ahht good but everyone tell me day im a gud writer so FUK 00F if you hate me!

 

I’m gonna need someone to talk to. Is anyone out there? Anyone but Warnuts?

What have you gotten into this time?

Purple, is that you?

Close, but you might notice a subtle difference between me and him; you haven’t killed me. I’m slightly Darker Purple.

Purple my ass, you’re more pink than anything.

Look, do you want to do this or not?

Yeah yeah, I just figured you died with the original.

Says the other variation of purple.

Watch yourself; I don’t want to do this alone, but I will.

becauz i am better than u so i exept you to be jelus

 

Bold move Dark Bloodd, considering you have no idea who’s reading this.

Wut u tink u cn rite beta?///

I know I can write better, in fact I don’t think I’ve ever written worse unless it was on purpose. Very few people have.

If ur happeh den FUK 00F

Dammit, she knows that anyone reading this is already so miserable that there’s no way it would apply to anyone.

disclaimer: i dont own annything exept Goffica Sorrows lulz every1 else belongs to jk rowling and tara gilesbian

Gilesbian, how did I never come up with that one?

Because it’s stupid and childish?

Exactly, it should have been the first thing I said about My Immortal.

XXXXXXXXXX Chapter 1: Some ppl dies XXXXXXXXXXXX (the X's is cuz im streit edge nd it locks cool)

You’re… straight edge? What?

My name is Goffica Sorrow nd im rly hott

Only two names, I like her better than Ebony already.

1 dey I waz waking in an ally u now dee 1 with luts of storeys that you cn buy stuff in lyk hot topik

Wow, Dark Bloodd’s English skills are so advanced that this story is all going right over my head.

Lucky you. Unfortunately for me, I actually know what she’s saying. A rough translation would be, “One day I was walking in an alley, you know, the one with lots of stores that you can buy stuff in, like Hot Topic.”

I like my version better, ahem. “TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!”

(BEST STOREY EVER I BUY ALL MY CLOTHES THERE: i was wearing

 

 

black combat boots, a leather top that looked real slutty but im not a slut SO DERE,

Got it.

and a black mini. I hade white foundation, black eyeliner und lipstick in a goffik colour. My hair was black and was to my hips and it had grey streaks becuz thad looks awesome when you have blak hair and I had RED fishnets so dere)

Did anyone else notice her spelling got a lot more coherent for a little while? It wasn’t good, but it was suspiciously better.

when I saw these SUPER HOTZ GUY that was hot

 

and he was goffik so I fell in love

Well that escalated quickly.

but he had no nose so I had to kill him.

Well that escalated even more quickly.

(A/N LUV TRAUMAS R ZO HOT DUNT U FINK OTHERWISE I HATE YOU FUKK 00F PREP!1

 

Ah Doge, I don’t care what the internet says, I’m still a fan.

 

BTW HE WAZZ HOTT EVEN WIHTOUT A NOUSE)

That was far from the worst issue with that scene.

Den, as I was walking downn the ally I saw EBONY DARK'NESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY!!!!1111

Hey Ray, or Saint, or whatever you’re going by these days; I’ll tell the original you said hello.

What are you--

 

Oh, you little coward!

Hey, so if you’re not doing anything with it…

Yes Hent, you can have the body.

 

Trust me, you’ll barely regret this.

I already barely do. Anyways, two false purples down, five to go.

Every1 loved her and every1 looked at her bum and I was sooooo jelos becuz I wish some1 lykd me but dey didn't just cuz I were goffik and as a goffik ppl I hated oder homo sapeins.

So nobody likes Goffica because she’s gothic, but everybody loves Ebony the infamous goth. That make perfect sense. Or at least I assume it does, because I have no way to dispute it.

(a/n vampyrs arnt homo sapeins)

 

Den Ebony DIED

 

nad every1 started crying

“Tears of joy.”

but den…. ….. ……………..

 

THEY SAW ME! I waz so happy cuz I cud seee dat every1 waz getting an ejection

Excuse found, abort the story!

 

and though I waz thee houtest gurl ever even hotter than Ebony.

Trying to out Sue the most infamous of the Mary Sues? Watch out Dark Blodd, that’s risky territory.

Den Draco asked me to go with the ball to him!

So this might actually take place at Hogwarts, good to know.

ND DATS THE FLUFFHANGER!

Fluff, be careful, Dark Bloodd is plotting.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Chapter 1 ending

We already knew that, we can tell it was the end because the chapter was almost over.

sorry it was short

While I was reading this I happened to be listening to Doug Stanhope telling a joke about fucking a midget. Seeing “sorry it was short” combined with his joke was much more entertaining than any other part of this chapter.

i will make the next won longer!

what did u fink tell me !

Every My Immortal writer wants those reviews so much, and we’re always happy to oblige.

Chapter 2

2

Just in case you still weren’t sure what chapter it was.

A/N IF U DUNT LYK THE STORY DUNT RED NOBODS FORCING YOU RITE?

Wrong. I’m forcing myself because I value my pride over my sanity.

Nd u can be dee idiot becuz u r still redding!

Calling your readers idiots, good call. If you’re planning on doing that, here’s a tip; do it in a way that only the people it doesn’t apply to will get.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Chapter 2:

Oh, this is chapter two? Good thing you mentioned it Dark Bloodd, the last two times it seemed more like a rough estimate.

I go to dee ball and some ppl wants to have sex

Some people? It’s a dance, at least half of the people there want to have sex.

but I tell them to fuck 00f 'cuz its obvious dey lyk me butt im only lyk goff ppl and goff ppkl dunt have blood so dey cant have ejectations SO DERE

Goffs don’t have blood? Huh, I never knew being part of a group changes things about you so physically. I’m a writer, does that mean my blood is ink and whiskey? Also, goffs apparently don’t have blood, but vampires cry tears of blood, and the two seem to overlap pretty consistently in My Immortal. Just sayin’.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I went du three ball and with draco i saw wsome peps dey were UGLY. dey had blond hair so i kicked dem

 

and everyone applauded and dumbledore gave me +055032 points to slytherin (I go to slytherfin).

That’s a lot of points going to slytherin, which of course, is vastly different from slytherfin.

Harry potter waz a prep or wall i didn't knwo

 

becuz sometimes he waz RLY emo and he sat and had pms in a corner

He had PMS? That’s a question nobody should have to ask, I’m a little disappointed the English language even allows it to be formed.

nd drank sum blood from a ppl he fond.

Me nd drako waz rly inluv we luv´d ech oder

How could they not after all they’ve been through? They’ve seen each other, they’ve… hm… they’ve seen each other again… okay, did they ever even talk beyond him asking her to the ball?

DENN he bowd down and ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM

 

and iu waz so happeh but i didnt know becuase i kept thinkng of that goffik hot guy wif no nose that i also lurved

“And for some reason had to kill.”

but denn dumbledore said:

Dumblydore!

"Goffika, dee man u killd waz VOLDEMORTZ nd now he will try to kill u cuz he will gt TREVENGE

Even though he’s dead.

so u must get bodygurds choose out the ones you like the mos" said dubledork.

alut 0f preps said:

"PICKLE ME"

 

I don’t know who takes the time to design a pickle wizard, but it’s probably the same type of person who takes the time to review shitty stories.

but i pickled darco nd hermione nd harry nd ron nd dobby (dobby had converted to emoism nd he wud soon be goffic)

Hey, Dumblydore said bodyguards, not the main cast.

we all hailed satan and sacrified Hagrid to stan

I know Stan had that obsession with Eminem, but I had no idea he also obsessed over wizards.

becuz datz rly badass nd goffik lulz.

dubledore was rly sad cuz he had lykd hagrid but i showed him my boobs and he waz okay again

 

Dumblydore, never change.

and he took out a blood (geddit cuz im a goff)

 

with a lok on it and everyone gasped and i broke the lok and inside dee blood it was a…. FLUFFHANGER!

Seriously Fluff, hide, this bitch really wants you dead.

XXXX END OF CHAPTER 2 "IF YOU LYKD IT COMNT, IF U DIDNT FUCK 00F"

Nope, my fuck shall remain on and your fuck shall remain yourself.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chapter 3

A/N: WHU DID YA MEEN SKELETALGIRL U MENT IT WAZ GOD OR BAED?

Oh the stories you’ll read, oh the comments you’ll see. Let’s take a moment to look at a couple, the first from SkeletalChild, which is what I assumedark Bloodd meant by SKELETALGIRL.

Let’s never let the legend of the hot goff slut die, shall we?

I disagree entirely, but I also understand that Skeletal Girl wasn’t entirely serious. Dark Bloodd, care to make a level headed response?

WLL DATZ A ST00PID QUESTION I KNEW U LURVED IT :dd::d:d:d:d:d:d:d:d ---

Excellent. We’ll get back to the story after this comment, but, well, just look.

Wow… your writing is so terrible I might actually have to kill myself. And whoever told you that you were good, need to be shot and raped.

That comment is from PurpleHatter. I know what you’re thinking, and no, that’s not me. But who knows, Saint Purple might have a disciple. Anyways, back to the story.

BUT THOSE RNT HAPPEH SMILYE I H8 HHAPPEH PPL DEY CAN UJST DYE OKOK?

I’m conflicted. This story makes me unhappy, but Goffik Bloodd seems to like that.

SRY FOR NUT POSING BUT I WAZ BUSSY BECUZ I HAD A LUT OF TESTS ND I HAD HAD MY GRADES TOOO NOW I WILL GET INTO HARWARDS! yayme harwards sounds almost like hagwarts so i m prety much a wITCH now!!!!!!!!!!!111

I think that was supposed to be a joke. Supposed to be. I think.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXChapter 3: the box had a skirt in it XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

he opend the box and inside there was………………………………………………………………….

 

A SKIRT.

No, I’m not even going to pretend to be surprised, it was too dumb for sarcasm.

I put it on because it was REALLY goffik annd all hot. And it also had the power to destroy stuff.

Oh, by the way, it can also destroy stuff. But mostly it just looks good.

Den voldemortz cumed.

 

"OH NO EVERY1 RUN HE WILL KILL UZ" a prep yelled. I killed her sexily.

Every1 gasped!!!

"GODFIKA, YOU KILLED SOMEONE!"

“This is completely new behavior in My Immortal and we are quite frankly shocked!”

" YA I KNUW BUT SHE'S A PREP LOL SO OKAY?"

every1 undestood but dey were amazed becuz i waz so sexy and stuff lol. Volxemort gasped guz he had FALLEN IN LUV W/ ME.

Who in this story hasn’t?

I loved uhim too but i also loved Draco so we had a threesome.

Fuck the climactic battle, there are plenty of other climaxes.

Every1 mastacated to it cuz it waz lyk so hot!

And nobody was offended? Huh, guess I have something new to try after this review.

Later day night i had to hyd so volxemort didnt found me cuzz he waz still mad at me!!1

Hate fucking in a three way, I’m impressed.

Den i waked to thee window and i saww… A HORSED!!!

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXChapter 3 end comnts XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A/N soz for de cluff hangers but im rly bussiness and i dunt have time to finish the chapter so you get the end of dee chaptah in the next chapter

but mybe that will be a cluffhanger too I DONT KNOW OKAY!

Chapter 4

A/N FANGS TO DAH PPL DAT GAVE ME GOOD REVIEWS THANX TANX

You’re welcome tanks.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxCHAPTAH 4 THE HORSE xXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The horse ride in and i sat on the horse cuz it wasnt a horse it was mah frend Blood who had bin cursed bbut i helpd him and he rapd mew but DEN VOLXEMORT CUMD in becuz he wanted to kil me butt den he saw i waz being rapd and he killd blood expect he didnt cuz blood is still myf riend and we waz frends against after he cumd out of st mongos.

 

"GOFFIKA RU OK?????????++" ASKED VOLDMRTRT.

“Maybe, I’m not quite sure what just happened!!!!!!==”

"YTEHS thanx you. i sed

Den… VOLDNEBGREOUUBU (A/N soz for dee bad spelling but i forgot his name)

 

Then fucking look the fuck up two fucking lines! It’s right the fuck there, you just fucking wrote it, it took more fucking effort to make up a fucking name and write the fucking note!

RAPD ME SEXILY!!! but i lykd it so it waz OK.

So it was barely even rape.

Next dey in school every1 waz being all nice and stuff just cuz i had savd thee school by spleeping w/ Voldsumfing.

Huh? Was that all she had to do?

But dey were all in luv wi/me nd i cryd bcuz i wished i werent so hot and perfect and loveable and good at everyfing but i didnt want to b e a prep so thatz a price you have to pay ok?

No it’s not okay, it’s insulting to humanity.

den some1 told me… DARCO BAD BEEN COULDNAPPED! I slit my rists and died sexily.

And yet there’s still another chapter. Plus, if you don’t have blood and you’re a vampire, how much damage could slitting your wrists really do?

XXXXXXXXXXXXend of Chaptah4XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A/N DIS NOT THE END STAY TUND FOR NEXT CHAPTAH SHE WONT DIE SOMEONE WILL SAVE HER SO DONT WORRIES LULZ.

The suspense was killing me.

Chapter 5

A/N PLZ REVOIEW DAH STOREY!

Calm your tits, I’m working on it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gerard Way,

Exclaimer: No shit!

Harry Potter, or any other crap mention in this story.

BTW fangs to mah big sistah for putting in the disclaimah i wasnt sure how to do dat lulz.

Neither does she, that disclaimer does pretty much nothing legally speaking.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxCHAPTER 5 I DIDN'T DIE BUT I STILL WISH I DID CUZ I HATE LYFExxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

It’s almost like she’s trying to say she’s unhappy.

I woke up nd den… I REMEMBER I WAZ DED.

Careful, remembering they were dead is what killed somebody in the first My Immortal. Or maybe it wasn’t My Immortal, there have been so many reviews that they blend together a bit.

"am i ded?" I asked Dobby who now was fully goffik.

Clearly not.

"No u r not a mysteriius nd anonnymus man nemmed GERARD WAY cumed in and saved you :D"

So Gerard Way, who shall remain nameless, blew a load on her corpse and brought her back to life? Plus two thousand points to Slytherin!

said dobby with a happeh face and he was happy so i took a lamp and hit him in dah face for being happeh. then i noticed what he just sed!11

" DID YA SAIY DAYT GERARD WAY HELPED ME OMGOMG I LOVE HIM MOST IN THE WORLD EXCEPT THE PPL THAT I LOVE MOST IN THE WORLD BUT I DONT CUZ I CANT LOVE BBUT HATE IZ LOVE FOR ME SO I HATE HIM AKA I LOVE HJIM OMGOMGOMOMGOMGOMGOMGOGMGOMG"

 

i sed sexily,

That wasn’t sexy, that was psychotic.

dobby waz to distracted dying from the sight of my beauty to replay.

I went out and saw voldemort nd voldemort went up to me.

"Hey Goffika I luv you but since you killed me i need to kill you but i dont want you to die so plz hide from me!"

On a scale of zero to any, this plot gives zero fucks.

"OK I go to Goffenburg (geddit cuz im goffik and goffenburg sound real goffik)

 

nd hide somewhere near the mcr concert so i can listen to meh. Will that be good?"

"Yeash i would not be able to find u there becuz when ever i hear mcr i get so enchanted by gerad ways voice dat i cant focus lol (BI GAYS R HOTT!!!1)

But the homo gays, that’s just wrong.

so i wud not be able to found you!"

I’d like to play hide and seek with these two, the only downside is that I’m not goffic enough to survive it.

I ran away to goffenburg. dere gerad way sang to me about how sexy i were and den a prep tried to fukk him but i killd him nd we laffed and gerad f**** me.

Well it must not have been fuck, because that went uncensored in the exact same sentence, so I’ll go with flunk.

I waz happeh but den somefing happend but i cnt tellw hat so u just have to see IN DAH NEXT CHAPTHHA

It’s been a few years since this was written, so unless Dark Bloodd is taking her time to try and get the next one right, I doubt she still plans on writing it. Still, suck it Warnuts, that’s one My Immortal reviewed by you and two My Immortals done by yours truly.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Chaptahh 5 END XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX