Review #38

My Immortal 3: The life among the dead

Story by xxxbloodysoul666xxx

Review by Warnuts

We have to review any My Immortal we find, and I found this. At least it's short.

My Immortal 3

As Retributionists I believe that it is our duty to review any and all forms of My Immortal. But it would seem that all my esteemed colleagues enjoy having their mental health, pfft. So it looks like I’m tackling this one myself. So without further ado I present My Immortal: The life among the dead.

wel muh story iz based on da epik nuvel my imortel n my imortel 2

Oh dear god I made a mistake, Ray can i still leave?  

Nope, enjoy.

wake me up instdie (gettit cuz im goffik).


Wow just two lines in, I think that’s a new record.

its liek a mics of goffiknezz n silent hell (gettit) 3 

Okay you’re trying at this point.

n tares kewl caraktres!



Hello my name is Tara Gilesbie

Oh dear God no

 and I have long brown hair up to my waist and chocolate brown eyes that swirl with despair. I'm a 16 year old girl who lives in England, but I travel to America every day with my dad because he's in the army.

Yeah because moving to america is too mainstream

Anyway, today I was at the mall with my friend Jenny, who has dirty blonde curly hair.

"You wanna go shop at Hollister?" she asked me.

"Um… no thanks." I said with chagrin. I hated all their clothes, they just weren't me.

"I'm going to go home;

Then why go to the mall? 8 lines in and I’m already confused

my dad is waiting there with a chopper that's taking us back to England."

I don’t think the military loans out choppeers

"Okay." She said. "Well, see ya later bitch!" she said energetically.

I looked at her with confusion. She had started to act like someone you'd think came out of those stupid shows like 90210.

"Um, good-bye." I said and left. I was walking the street when the sky darkened suddenly. The sounds of cars rushing on the street disappeared and froze them in their tracks.


 The air became cold and stagnant. I heard footsteps, so I turned around and saw a woman.

She was as pale as virgin snow,

Ho- wha- aww fuck it

 with hair blacker than a starless sky. It was decorated with pale pink streaks. Her face was beautiful, with forest green eyes and black lipstick.

"Ebony… I finally found you."

Oh dear God no

She said in a gothic voice.

"Who are you?" I asked confused.

"You don't remember me Ebony?" she asked with a small hint of sorrow in her voice.

"I'm not Ebony and I don't know who she is!"

We’re not in My Immortal anymore

I said, getting angry.

"It doesn't matter anyway…" she said in a calm voice. "You will remember your past… and you will… help us plunge the world in impenetrable darkness."

So are we supposed to hate her in this story, I mean I know my English teacher already does.

A heard a cracking sound and she had disappeared.

I saw she left a letter behind, closed with a waxed seal. I opened it and read:

"Tara Gilesbie, we are glad to inform you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry…"

Yea I made it through My Immortal 3!

No you didn’t, thats only chapter one. You have four more to do.

My Immortal 3.2


If she could read this I'm sure she would hate you as much as I do.

Xxxxxxxxxxx666xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx After we flew home, I found more of these letters. So did my parents. "Tara…. You're a witch: a freak!"

Okay A: you're a bitch, you should know that in order to have magical kid one of the parents needs to be magical.

my mother screamed at me. Suddenly I tapped in2 my witch powers and with my mind I cut her across the cheek and set the roof

of the house on fire.

 "That's it get the fuck out of my house!"

Because that would my first thought

 my father boomed (after he raped me and beat me brutally with his army boots).

How does one get rapped by boots

I got a few clothes and ran away into the

night. I lived in a place that looked kind of like a cross between privet drive and the town from Edward Scissorhands. Anyway I sat on an old abandoned deserted

lonesome swing set in the park.

Because that's the best place for a swing set.

I cried there seductively.

Hey Ray imma steal your Mary Sue count

Fine, see how many fucks I give.

Sue count: 1

Then I heard something come up… OMFG! "OMFG!" I yelled as an ugly preppy old man with oily black hair that was dyed blonde came up. He was wearing a big pink dress with a shirt over it that said



I don't  want to read anymore. It was bad enough reading about foxys clothing but this is terrible. First off why... Just why, secondly why a dress, thirdly I don't wear dresses but if I did I would not wear  a shirt over it, and lastly how can you tell if his hair was black at first or blond

"Hahaha…" he chuckled prepilly.

50 internets to who ever can laugh prepily

 "You're every bit as lovely as Ebony was."

Wait she's not Ebony. But the one chick said she was. Fuck it Ray I'm dipping into your fukitol stash

 Somehow I knew this preppy man was Snape


… and that he was very gay and not in the hot way. It was as if something inside of me was telling me that!!! "Like ew, stay away" I shouted as he undid his zipper. Suddenly a big black bus came out it was all black and gothic with a picture of marilyn manson in a wizard

Okay so just a couple thing wrong with this first gay isn't hot, second if he is a prep why when he undid his zipper did a gothic bus come out

costume. A guy with blood red eyes, black eyeliner and red and black tripp poants came out. "Tara quick get in the car!"

Correction, run her ass over

he said. His voice was enchantingly hot kinda like Gerard way but more gothicker so I was sure I could trust him.

Well granted I want this to end but even if a guy sounded like Morgan freeman said get in the bus you just don't do it

"Fangz!" I seed and jumped sexily through the doors!s

Sue count: 2

And God dammit this is taking way to long

Bitch please, try 44 of these and then some.

I'm good

A/N: dun retort da fik or ill du sum vudu or wiccen zpelz on u!

I made the mistake of showing this to my English teacher and she just died trying to read this

Xxxxxxxxxxx666xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Gareth led me on the bus like a gentleman (he even held my hand) I blushed but pulled it back cusp I'm an INDEPENDENT WOMAN!

"Who will need help with everything!"

"thanks my name's tara Gilesbie" I said politely. "I'm gareth vandersled"

So I googled Gareth Vandersled and the only thing that came up is this story. This is going to be good

he said with a smile (A/N: sort of like edard kulenz!)

Gareth looked at me with dark despair in his red eyes and said "I know a lot of this isn't making sense

No shit

but I have to tell you a lot before we go to this magic school." "Okay…?" I said uncomfortably because you have to be careful because you can get raped by strangers except if theyre goffik hotties LOL. "



 Some years ago, 16 to be exact,

So why start with some years ago if you knew the date

there was a powerful with

With what

named ebony who had long ebony hair with purple streaks and red tips that reached her mid back and

blue eyes like limpid tears

Not the description on what she wore

and people said she looked like amy lee. Anyway she and this guy who was a fucking PREP" –he said with hatred sexily-"named voldimort

Okay I have accepted all the bullshit you have given us, but No. I can't believe I'm about to say this but did you even "read" My Immortal

had these preps kill her more specifically two preps named Britney and that fucking little bitch prep named Paris." "oh yeah that's like super realistic!"

Just like this story

I exclaimed. "this things only happens in movies and I'm just a very ordinary but pretty and a bit abused little girl!"

Sue count: 3

. "tell me tara have u ever had strong urges to go shop at hot topic or to listen to goffik music like evanescence?" he asked knowingly. All of a sudden I started to sing this song from the bottom of my ebony black heart: "when u cried I wiped away all of urn tears when u screamen I fight away all of your tears and you still have all of me…" (A/N: I do not own da lyrics 2 data song). "wow… you really are Ebony!"

Or she knows a song that I'm sure a lot of people know

he exclaimed. "I'm going to take you to meet some friends who will train you and show you your true self before you head to


Isn't that what Hogwarts is for?

 We got off all of a sudden and got into this house that looked exactly like the mansion from the video of GC's "I just wanna live." As we went in in saw the same

woman that gave me the letter. "KawaiiEnoby,

 I'm Willow, best friend" she said with bloody tears of happiness rollin down her sexy checks (A/N: Tara's bi dun be homoerotic!). "I'm so glad

you're here with us!"

The rest of us aren't.

My Immortal 3.4

Okay I’ve only tried to kill myself twice so let’s continue

I went to this cool goffik room wife posters of all these cool goffik bands on da wall like Marilyn manson and blink 182. but I looked at this other poster of a band that looked more goffik than all the other bands.

"Wow who are those hot people?" I asked.

Five bucks says it’s ebonys’ band

You're on

 Willow laughed but I didn't know why. That stupid bitch if only I wasn't her best frend I would've used a killing curse on her.

Bitch you don’t know magic so shut up!

-"stop it willow!" a voice said as it came from a portkey from the chimney. He was old and had pale skin and blue streeks in his hair. "Wow u were right she DOES look like Enoby!" he seed getting a boner.

Sue count: 3

"Um anyways Tara dats the band bloody gothic rose 666!"

Pay up Hent


"wow they sound hardcore!" I suppressed.

"If u look closely at the prettiest girl u might recognize her." They said. I looked and saw a girl that looked like a pentogram of me

Sue count:4

 and amy lee.

"Enoby… dark'ness dementia raven way…" I said recongnizing da nam but not having memory of it.

"Yes!" willow seed giving me a deprezzed goffik hug.


I smelled da blood that was drippin outta her sleeves. Suddenly my eyes turned red and I sexily bit her wrists!

Another sue count already... Really? Alright, Sue count: 5

"OMFG!" willow screamed seductively in pain while I sucked her blood. "She's Enoby all right!" I stopped when I was satified (A/N: not that way u perv!).

"Gareth we have to take Enoby-"

"-TARA!" I snapped sadly.

Does it really matter? In the original My Immortal she had like five names.

"Yes tara LOL to go shopping four

Okay you're trying now

 kool goffik cloves 2 go 2 hograts." Diabolo seed.

Okay so when the dude said they're going to someplace to helper learn magic that means they're going shopping.... Oh fuck, that means that there is going to be more discribing of what they're wearing!

"Allright!" gareth said giving me a dashing smile. We used some poo powder

This proves that I m way to imature to be doing this

and teleported to diagram alley.

"U'll love the shops here!" Gareth told me convincingly. We went in2 a shop that was like Hot topic but it was called HOT GOFFIK


Warnuts, what are you doing? Put the knife down...




Hey Doctor Martin, Warnuts is bleeding out in here.

Let him.

Alright, but if he dies that pretty much leaves us to finish the review.

Fine, get me fifty CCs of Fukitol, stat. Or whenever. It doesn’t really matter.


I'm alive? Fuck, will you guys at least stay and help me?




Let's just finish this

(gettit cusp I'm goff).


I tried on a low cut dress black with lots of blood red beads and no backside. As I went to show Gareth how hott I looked

Sue count:6

I bumped into a man.

"U bastard!" I screamed but I wish I didn't because then I saw a man I knew from my past life.

I thought you didn't always denied you were Ebony

He had dark red goffik eyes (he was wering contacts) and black nail looked like a pentogram of Gerard way and joel madden. His skin was deathly white and he looked at me in a depressed way.

I couldn't believe it! It couldn't possibly be…


Fuck. Well at least i only have one more to go

My Immortal 3.5

Okay so it's just this and I'm done

A/N: srry i was away dubei visting muh cusin tata

I douet the verisimilitude that is your  cousins name

 but noa im bak. GOFFIK 4 LIF!


Retributionists for life!


I’ve been taking drawing lessons from my little sister. That’s right, the acclaimed artist of P u.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx666SETEN666xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "That's my name..." he replayed all shyly.

I don't remember him being shy, in Harry Potter or My Immortal

Idk y but i new he had always been shy. "How did u no?" "Somefing... intsdie me nu it..." i mubled sandly 2 myself. What was happenin 2 ME?! "You mean like..." -"I woke up insied" we both said. My dark torn hert that waz so ful of cunfushing was feelin somefing like... was I in luv?!11! "Whoa how did u no i waz gunna say dat?"

"The auther here sucks"

i axed inqisively him.


"Well u no im a techer at hograts." he said starin in2 muh soul. "I am da techer of da pentigram blak arts. hu nows maaybe ull have a klass wif me if u go in2


Okay so granted i've only seen like two or three movies but I  don't think that the dorms you are assinged to matters to what classes you go to. and also she never told you she was a witch so you shouldn't be telling her all this.

"i hope so!" i said and spun arond flistatily. suddenly willo cammed and grabbed me by da arm. "Enoby stey away 4rm dat man!" she sed n thru a spell him. he bakfired in2 a mirror n got kuts all over himself. "Y u do dat?!"

yeah didn't  Ebony fuck her in the 'canon'

i axed gracisly. "Dat man... hurt u so mush in ur past life u wuldnt understand." she sed almost cryin tears of blud. i wiped her tearz away. "tank u..."

This bitch now has a tank? Holy shit this actually could be good

i sed. "well lets get u on da trein 2 hogsworth!"

Well that was rushed

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I was in da train by myself lisening 2 sum metal by FOB. god pit wintz waz so hot... my pale body shook in warm imagening his tongue in my nipples


Well My immortal sex but yes

Oh fuck no

Also IN her nipples?

 wen suddenly

da door flu open.

I...I don’t even know when to start with this sentence

"Ew luk at dis ugly freeky chik!" a preppy gurl sed wile a techer wif redish ers laffed behend her.

Well that was random. I guess because they’re we’re sapposed to hate them but we have enough reasons from 1 and 2 we don’t need more.

se waz weriung sum abercummy n stich cloves wif sum chetah print sluty skirt. se waz a prep 2 d extrem!

"sut it prep or ill kurse u!" i sed cryin. it hurtz wen ppl cakll u nams (A/N: beliebe me).

Oh dear god no she is a Justin Biber fan why was i saved


Oral? Yes please

 sed da prep. she puled out a slutty pink wend an shuted "HILERIUS PREPUNUZ DUFFANDAZ MAJURIZ!"

I can make up spells too. “BULLSHITIUS”

i felt a slash of pein burnen in my body... i saw dat i had ben burned by sum preppy magic. "btw snap says hi." Dat man... snap... i felt like somefing had hapened. somefing bad.

Writing this story

 i saw da pixs of a tape n me in a shuwer n me shooted him... It had bean dat gay pedofile! An den my tragic gothec eyez rolled bak: I WAZ Haven a vizion!!1!!11!

And luckily for us we won't have to read about that vision because she reailized that she had killed enough people and stopped writing. and thank God for that.