The Time I Took a Shit
(Soundtrack: Shoot to Thrill or Another one bites the dust)
This shit has a soundtrack. This shit. Has a soundtrack.
I got this one.
AC Lightning Bolt DC is good and all, but in the next review we’re gettin’ some Queen up in this bitch.
Did somebody call me?
I sprinted towards the bathroom stalls; my ass felt like there was fucking stones shoved up there I skidded
Skidded on the ground or in your pants?
as I made it near the corner and rushed towards the door, opening it by slamming my right shoulder into it.
Yeah, this man really has to take a shit.
I stumbled unto the ground, using my hands to catch my fall. I rubbed my right shoulder; it felt sore and I was pretty sure that I cut myself, bad. But that didn't matter, I needed to take a shit. Bad.
Such great description of how badly this man has to take a shit.
Indeed, true to the title, he really does have to take a shit.
I pulled myself up and rush towards the nearest stall. I opened up the door and then quickly slammed it. I didn't even check if it was locked or not as I pulled down my pants.
You know something? This man has to take a shit.
No, this man needs to stop eating so much Taco Bell.
Already chunky red diarrhoea spewed from my asshole and into the water below.
That’s how you know when you have to stop eating certain foods.
Luckily none hit the floor or toilet seat.
Oh, well thank God for that.
The shitting stopped for a few seconds. I quickly seized the opportunity as I placed my thighs upon the toilet seat.
Good thing he did too, because this man desperately needs to take a shit.
In no time, my asshole begin emptying itself of two and a half pounds of Mcdicks.
Is that slang for McDonald’s or was he in an Irish orgy?
I shouted and screamed, it felt my rectum was fucking fire.
See that’s bad, generally you want to avoid that.
As I sat there in pain and agony, I recalled how I ended up here.
Ooh, we got Quentin Tarantino up in this bitch.
Our teacher had just dismissed us for lunch. I walked out the door as I felt the cash inside my right pocket. I had fifteen dollars on me. I was about to head down to the cafeteria until I saw my friend walking up to me.
“Hey man, you ever have to take a shit?”
"Hey bud, you want to head to Mcdicks
That’s just a setup to be raped.
with me and my older brother."
Incest? Looks like we’ll be on the front page by this time tomorrow.
"Sure." I said as we walked outside. I saw his older brother waiting by the curb. He was sitting in a Nissan.
“This story brought to you by Nissan and painful shits.”
"Come on in you gay boys.
Well you’re a dick.
Maybe, or maybe he’s right and it explains why our protagonist’s ass was fucking fire.
I don't have all day." He said as he honked the horn.
We quickly jogged towards the car, opening up the doors and sliding ourselves inside. My friend took shotgun,
Why do you have guns in the car?
Don’t worry about it.
while I sat in the back. We put our seatbelts
So we can be safe!
on and drove out of the parking lot.
We arrived at Mcdicks, the drive was less then a few a minutes. We parked at the front. We got out of the car and walked inside.
"Huh, I guess were the first one's here."
If you’re in an empty McDonald’s that’s a bad sign; they are never empty, ever.
I said noticing there were no other students here expect us.
"All right, you have money on you?" My friend's older brother asked.
Shouldn’t you have asked him before you drove him there?
"Uh, yeah I do." I replied, playing with my fifteen bucks in my pocket.
"Good. Cause all I got is a ten I don't feel like paying for three people."
We walked up to the counter. "Hello, welcome to Mcdonalds.
So it is McDonald’s.
Also, they said welcome to McDonald’s way too clearly.
How may we serve you."
Yeah, if you could not give me explosive diarrhea, that’d be great.
The woman behind the counter asked.
"We'll have two value meals, both double cheeseburgers." My friend's older brother said as pointed to himself and my friend. "And what will you have?" He asked as he cocked his head back.
"I'll just order after you guys." I replied.
This is boring, I miss the shitting.
"Is that all?" The woman behind the counter asked my friend's older brother.
“Hmm… actually, give me a massive shit to go.”
"No. That's all."
"All right. Your total comes to 6.87."
So close to 6.90.
Are we really that immature?
She said entering the math on the register.
"Kay." He said as he pulled out a ten from his pocket and handed it the woman. He and his younger brother then both headed to the counter to the left to wait for their food.
I walked up to the counter. "Yeah, I'll have a big-mac, fifteen chicken mcnuggets and a large Mcflurry with everything in it."
Oh, so I was right, he did order one massive shit to go.
Just because you have money to blow at McDonalds, doesn’t mean you should blow it at McDonalds.
I asked looking up at the menu above. I checked in my head if I'll have enough cash. I did.
"All right, your total comes to 11.27." She said.
The protagonist delivered, he has more than enough money.
I pulled out a ten and a toonie
Holy shit we’re in Canada.
and handed to her. I then walked to the left go wait for my food. After a few minutes of waiting, we soon got our meals. We took a seat at a table near the window.
This story is pleasant and all, but you can tell that the author really just cares about the shit, and this is all just filler.
"Holy shit, you fucking fatty."
My thoughts exactly.
My friend's older brother said as he looked at the meal I had just ordered.
"Shut up, ye queer, you weigh more then me." I replied.
"Whatever." He shrugged as he bite down on his Mcdouble.
We quickly finished up and headed back to the car. I still had my Mcflurry on me, deciding that I'll just finish it up in the halls. We drove back to school and went back inside, going our separate ways.
What part of this is entertaining?
My friend and I chatted, as we walked down the halls. I ate my Mcflurry every chance I got.
It’s not that hard to eat and talk dude.
After seven minutes, I tossed the empty cup into the garbage.
Thank Janitorial Jesus for this detail.
"I need to take a shit."
I said as I ran away, heading towards the nearest stall, feeling that my asschecks were about to burst open at any second.
Opening the gates of Hell.
"We only got five minutes until class starts. You know that right?"
Shit just got real. Well, actually it got real when he ordered.
My flashback ended by the feeling of my butt spewing out more red chunky diarrhoea. My asshole felt like a fucking shit volcano.
It came in solid and went out bloody and muddy.
Who says that?
Anyone who’s been to war or Tijuana.
I sat there for eleven minutes, shitting out blood and crap.
Oh, sounds like my first time reading My Immortal.
It was the most painful eleven minutes of my life.
Yup, spot on.
Every time I thought my painful shitting had finally stopped, it started again as soon I took my thighs off the seat.
That’s the worst.
After the shitting had ended. I rubbed my ass clean with all the toilet paper there was and ran out the door. I sprinted down the halls and up the stairs. I rushed towards the classroom. I slammed open the door, interrupting the teacher's lecture.
"I HAD TO TAKE A SHIT!"
Dude, you could’ve snuck in, or not said anything.
Breaking Avatar, Chapter 1
One day walter White was at home making crystal meth.
Loyal to the canon already, I like it.
He had his labortory shit setted up so he can make the meth.
Once again, here’s an author who has clearly done thorough research about the show he’s basing his work on.
He poured some meth, herion, weed, ectasty, oil, fish, crackers, a door and happiness into a pot of water and stirred it.
He then sang about having gay ass sex with Jesse cause he found Skyler was a transvisite and a lebsian.
They have a kid, wouldn’t he have noticed that earlier? And why would that turn him gay?
It happens, don’t worry about it.
just then Gus appeared from above.
Is Gus an angel?
No, clearly Gus is God.
"hey Walter. How the meth is going," Gus said cheerfilly.
"It is going good cuz the meth is good because i made sure that it was good."
Ah Walter, you and your witty lines.
Just then a bolt of lightning struck the pot of meth.
Inside? Maybe Gus is really Thor.
The lightning cause
d the meth particles and the happiness to fuse together creating a wormhole to another dimension.
Huh. Warnuts, get me a pot of meth and some happiness.
No happiness to be found, sorry.
"Oh noes. What's happnening?"
"portal has form and we must call Hank cuz he is the goverment."
Yeah, call the government when you’re making meth.
Gus went to the phone, but it had melted. "oh no. How are we going to stop the portal?" gus asked.
What did the portal ever do to you?
Yeah, maybe it just wanted to buy some meth.
Walter white got an idea. "I know." And I jumped inside the portal with the batch of crystal meth and landed inside another a dinemsion.
I did? So this is first person now? Huh, portals can do some crazy shit.
But the portal had closed
Aang was at a club where old fat people play checkers, n, shit.
General Iroh was kicking Aang's ass at checkers because he is military people. Also, cuz Aang's a dumbass because he's a gay ass hippy.
Is he an ass hippy who’s gay, or is he a hippy with a gay ass?
(I don't like hippies cause they like the colour green.)
Well fuck you too.
Holy shit, you’re still alive? I haven’t seen you since the My Immortal Two review, I assumed you killed yourself when you found out there was a third one.
There’s a third one?
Don’t worry bro, I got that one. As long as Ray provides the Fukitol.
If it means I don’t have to finish off the trilogy you can take as much as you can handle, and then some.
"Aang, you suck at this game. Learn to play better." Iroh told Aang.
Well somebody’s a sore winner.
Well somebody’s a fucking asshole.
"I know." Aang said sadily. He then started to cry cause he was depressed because he had gay ass fucktard cancer cause he's a gay ass hippy.
I don’t think you get cancer just because you’re a hippy, but what do I know? I only paid attention in school.
Aang then went of to kill himself or something.
Yeah, just a casual decision there.
He ran inside a bumped into a person. "hey. watch where you are going boy." Aang looked up. the man was tall and white like Walter White.
Could it be, Walter White?
"Who are you?" Aang asked.
"I am Heisnberg.
See, that’s not Walter White at all, this gentleman clearly has a hat.
Got some Crystal Meth." Heisgnberg held a box full of crystal meth.
He’s Heisenberg, he can go around telling people that. Now if this were Walter White on the other hand, he’d actually have shit to worry about.
"Sure." AAng said cheerfilly. "But I don't have any money." He said depressed. He had spent it all on gay ass hippy weed. Not the good kind, but the one's that those damn accursed gay ass hippies smoke.
Weed’s weed bitch.
"Don't worry kid. Its free."
You are a terrible salesman.
But a brilliant cook.
AAng grabbed the box.
"wow. Gee golly mister.
When did we enter a 1950s sitcom?
I sure do appreciate." Aang then went of skipply down the road cause he's a gay ass hippy.
Hey, nothin’ wrong with skipping.
Aang arrived at the house where he zuko, katara, sukko, Suki and Toph. "hey guys. I brought some crystal Meth.
Well, somebody’s proud of themselves. Is there even meth in Avatar land?
Anyone else want to smoke some."
"Aang. Have you smoked Meth before." Katara asked bitchily.
Why you gotta make Katara a bitch? She was like on of the coolest characters!
"Sure. Plenty of time. It was parts of our gay ass hippy training."
I would love to go through that training. Not because I want to be a gay ass hippy, but because it sounds hilarious.
That’s a lie.
All of it.
Aang then pulled his bong from his pocket
Wrong thing dude.
Oh, I’m sorry Warnuts, have you smoked crystal meth before?
No, but I know a bong’s made for weed and you don’t drink the bong water.
and started to smoke.
See, it worked, what are you talking about? How would it work if it didn’t?
He then took and pass it around to Toph, Katara, Sukko, Suki and Zuko.
They all took one hit at the exact same time.
"This Meth it makes me feel so alive." Sokka said as he walked outside. He tossed his boomerang across the ocean.
Damn, that’s some good meth.
Fuck steroids, just take some of Walter’s meth.
It went around the entire planet killing over 90,000 people including Firelord Ozai.
Tada, conflict resolved.
Just then a messanger Hawk appears.
"Hey there is a letter here." Katara said bitchily as she bitchily grabbed the letter.
Why you gotta be hatin’?
For the same reason you’re crushing my dreams of going to gay ass hippy camp.
"Dear Sokka, You've killed Fire lord Ozai with your badass normal powers. Here is five thousand quadrillion dollars."
Which will be super useful in a world without dollars.
Katara read bitchily.
Fuck you dude.
She then handed the money over to Sokka, Bitchily.
"Thank you." Sokka said.
"Let me try." Suki said as she threw her fans. She threw them so hard that they broke the time barrier and went into the future where it destroyed all of Republic city.
I didn’t even know there was a time barrier to break.
No. Two is enough.
Zuko then did his Firebending, but instead of firebending he sunbended.
Oh wow, I guess maybe, I mean, the sun is just a giant ball of fire.
Shut up bitch, this is science and you know it.
He summoned a laser solar beam down on bai sing killing everyone there and destroying the entire city. "Cool," He said emoely.
Why Bai Sing?
"Watch these losers," Toph said awesomely. She looked up at the moon and
She looked? meth heals blindness, good to know.
exploded it with her mind.
Well, Katara got replaced as the biggest bad ass.
"NNOOOOONONONONONONONOMMOMONONOONO." Katara screamed bitchily.
Were there a few Ms is there? Did she take a break from screaming to much on a few crystal meths?
"Now how will I use my bitch powers if the moon is gone." Katara cried bitchily.
You don’t need the moon, problem solved.
"Don't worry Katara. I'll fix it," Said Aang. Aang wasn't actually doing to for Katara cause she's a bitch and all. He was just doing it for the gloriuos pussy.
Aang then flew up and flew around the earth so many times that it reversed time and the moon was fixed.
No. That didn’t work in Superman, it’s not gonna work now.
What are you talking about? Clearly it worked both times, the moon is fixed, isn’t it?
"There you go Katara. The moon is fixed."
Katara then hugged Aang. "Thank you Aang. Fuck my pussy."
she thanked bitchily.
Or hornily, that works too.
"Sure." Aang said.
"Aww. Now my work is ruined." Toph awesomely said
I’m gonna say that the author really likes Toph oh my God Hentai Man wrote this.
depressed that the gay ass hippy Aang ruined her awesome work.
Yeah, the super gay guy who’s about to fuck a chick that he reversed time for. You know, ‘cause that makes sense.
"I'm just going to destroy something else." Toph used her Earthbending power to destroy an entire continent on the other side of the ocean.
Well you’re a bitch.
Katara used her bitch powers to make all the water in the unniverse cold as fuck, but not frozen cause she's a bitch and all.
What is your damage, Jesus Fucking Christ.
"What the hell." Screamed Sokka angrily as he pulled a pistol and shot his sister in the head killing her cause she's a bitch.
Aang then killed himself with his airbending cause Sokka killed Katara. But i didn't do it cause he missed Katara. He did it cause Sokka ruined his chance at getting the pussy.
Okay if you could use fucking English, that would be amazing.
A mysterious man was watching from the buses.
"Good. Good. Just like I had planned." He schemed deviously and manipulatiely.
The shadows ran away to reveal the Cabbage Merchant.
Holy shit it all makes sense.
So he talked to a lightning bender to strike a pot of meth in another universe, assuming that Walter would jump through the portal with the meth, find Aang, give it to him for free, Aang would smoke it with everyone, and they would kill each other and countless others?
Exactly, it all makes sense.
end of chapter 1
Breaking Avatar, Chapter 2
Um, I don’t know if you remember this thundernator, but all of the characters are dead. Care to explain that?
Actually, I think only Katara and Aang died.
Aang and Katara woke up
You were saying?
finding themself in hell.
You were saying?
They saw satan. His cock was blowing un the air.
Well this can only be pleasant.
They were confused why they were in hell for.
"Satan. Why are we in hell." Aang asked
"Because you are hippy and she's a bitch."
Sure, why the fuck not?
"How do we get out of hell." Katara asked.
"You must have hardcore buttsex completly naked.
Who’s getting butt fucked?
Everyone. Everyone is getting butt fucked.
That way youll generate tachyons and will go back life."
So by having butt sex, they’re going to generate particles that may or may not exist and that hypothetically travel faster than the speed of light? Damn, that is pretty hardcore.
Katara and Aang stripped down and started fucking. Satan pulled out his phone.
Why does he even have a phone? Who is Satan really calling?
First they did the scorpion, the tank, the jet and then finally the helicopter.
To the kama sutra!
katara started to orgasm. "fuck my pussy."
Don’t do it, it has to be butt sex!
She screamed So loud that all the demons could hear. A bright light flashed around them and they came back alive.
So Satan’s a fucking liar, okay.
they found their friends on an island seated around a table. They were having a delicocous roast of babies.
You sick fuck.
Oh I’m sorry, did you want some too?
toph grabbed a air baby and dipped it in bbq sauce. The baby gigld. She then bite the head off the baby, killing it instantly.
This getting dark, I don’t like it.
Well you have something to look forward to; My Little Pony fanfiction is next, and I bet Pinkie Pie is there.
but what caufht Aang and Korra's attention was the yellow hooded man at the end of the table who wasnt eating any babies.
That sick bastard, how rude.
Is it wrong that I kind of want chicken strips?
"who are you and why aren't u eating any babies." Aang asked angrily.
You wouldn’t believe how often I have to say that to people.
"Hello, bitch. Im jesse pinkman, bitch.
Bitch, this bitch has gotta be Jesse bitch, the bitch is sayin’ bitch, bitch.
And I'm the avatar, bitch, from the future, bitch."
Huh, you’d think they would’ve mentioned that in Breaking Bad.
The present day
Jesse was at a funeral for Walter White.
Did he die in the show?
I never actually saw the last few episodes, but probably.
It was really sad everyone was there including walt's family and Gus.
Oh, so Gus is Two Face?
Because this happened.
It was sad.
The funeral was meth themed.
Of course it was, because everyone loves a good meth themed funeral.
There were methtacos,
So they’re in Columbia?
No, they just went to Taco Bell.
methburitos and meth casket. They couldn't find the body, so it was really sad.
Oh, so Walter never made it back to Earth? Well I’d kind of like to know what he’s doing in that other world.
jesse walked on stage with his speech. "Walter white was a great man with a dream. A dream that one day drug addicts, dealers and makers will feel equal and won't feel they have change who they are to fit in."
Did this motherfucker just rip off a Martin Luther King speech?
Hell yeah, bitch.
Is there an image of Martin Luther giving the finger?
There is now, bitch.
That looks terrible.
Everyone stood up and cheered loudly.
Hank called the president. "mr president. Make drugs legal." He demand showing him a recording of jesse's speech.
"Ok." He said making drugs legal.
I know Obama sucks, but God damn.
He doesn’t suck, he was just so moved by that speech that he did the right thing, which could have no possible repercussions.
A giant meteorite crashed at the funeral.
Was it a meth meteor?
Gus tried using his waterbending but he failed cuz he aint eskimo enough.
jesse tried using his firebending to kill the meteor, but it was no use. And he was teleported in the past.
Back in the past.
"and that is how i ended up here." Said jesse.
At the fire nation.
Three people were talking in shadow. They were invisible.
Then why do they have to be in the shadows?
And why are they not in the girls’ locker room?
"Princess, do u have what i need."
"Yes merchant, i have your cabbages.
And mexican man i have your meth and tacos."
"good. Every thing is going according to plan.'
author's notice: watching any form of media will make you more submissive to mind altering drugs put in your food by the government.
God to know, I’ll get my tinfoil hat and switch over to Tor.
My little doom: friendship is violence, chapter 1
Fluturshy was at ponyland were ponies were cuz yeah.
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
He was working with rambow dash
And now I’m leaving before some twisted Cupcakes shit starts happening.
Fine, I didn’t want to review a story about friendship with a friend anyways.
who is sientist like ftuuershy.
Sure, it’s fanfiction, why not?
"Is portel redy." Fluttershy asked. Rambow dash nodded. Flutershy pressed button, but bad thing happen and they open portal to hell when they were trying to go to hades.
They sound similar, but I suppose Hell is actually considerably worse. Hades is more along the lines of limbo.
"Oh no portal Is open and demons are coming. What do we do?" Flutershy asked.
Is closing the portal an option?
Just then rambow dash grabbed a cigar and drabk over two thasend bottles of whisky.
I guess that’s also an option.
he then grabbed his minigun and said, "dont worry i get this." Rambow dash started firing his mini gun. "Taste friendship you ass cuntfucking fuck spawns." rambow dash yelled as friendship his enemies to deth.
Flutershy went up upstairs and put on guns,n,roses over the radio, it was badass as fuck.
Can’t argue with that.
"Wargh. There are two many of them. We need help." Said flutershy. Just then twilitespankle burst through the window shoting dual pistols like a maniac.
How is she holding the guns? How are any of them holding their guns?
"Die you mothafuckas. You killed my families."
All of them? Even the secret one in Pony Mexico?
Twilitespankle said as she shot a bunch of demons in half. twilitespankle and rambowdash used the power of murdership cuz they are best murder buddies.
"there are still many, but there are still not closed." Luttershy said with fear. Rambowdash then tossed grenades In portal, but bad thing happened and they all disappeared in green lite.
My little doom: friendship is violence, the part where green happens
Damn right I happened.
Twilitespankle tossed the grenade in the portel but bd thing happened cause the evil and boom mixed to create a time dimensional warp field and flutershy rambowdash and twilitespankle were teleported to the pest presant and future.
This is almost as complicated as Ebony time travel.
They all time travelled ot was bright like green.
First world anarchy.
"Fuck dicks rubbing onto my cocks. That hurts like elephant pussies."
It’s a common expression in Hell.
Rambow dash yelled as he fell from five feet high and landed his head on a rock.
So are all of the ponies guys now?
He got up and looked up.
Damn that’s a thick skull.
Demons were coming out of holes any killing everyone.
Rambowdash grabbed his machine gun and started to smoke over 20 cigars at once.
Bender would be proud.
"Boys. Were gonna fucking shove our cocks so deep up this demon asses that every demon child will be part pony and they like us ponies and help the fight to the fucking ass demons.
It’s good to see they’re planning ahead.
Where the hell is Hent?
You got the bithces?" Rambow dash said like a badass. Everyone cheered and started firing at demons with their guns.
Rambow dash then shot alot pf demons with his machine gun and friendship them all back to the bowels of hell. "I sure do miss twilitespankle and flitersky." Said rambow dash as he killed alot of demons.
Twilitespankle woke up in the middle of island surrounded by dinosaurs.
And they were trying to ear him but they didnt. "you mothafucking lizards. ill shove my ass up your rear so far that your nigga offsprings will be white."
Twilite spankle Said like a maniac as he fired off his pistols like a crazy people. He theN killed all the dimosaurs on the island.
Maybe the dinosaurs just wanted to talk. And have you never heard of the butterfly effect?
He then found ancient stuff bout fiting demons. It said, "to close portal Put chair in front of portel."
Quick! Chop down that tree and start making a chair!
Will sofas work?
"That is how you kill demons."
Twilitespankle ran off to tell rambowdash and fltersay bout how to stop demo but ghen he relize he culdnt cuz he waz stuck in teh past. "Fuck."
Said twilitespanlle and he started to kill more dinosaurs.
Hey, narrator! Wake up.
flutershy woke up in the present surroumed my chairs.
He then herd buzzing and saw fapplejack cuming out of his tim machin.
Fapplejack? Cuming? You were trying thundernator.
"Fapplejack? Why did u cum here."
“I cum where I want bitch.”
Fluttershy asked confused. "There is no time.
You have a time machine, there is all of the time.
The timeline is breaking and i need your help to fix it." He then shoved fluttershy into the time machine ans then he cummed inside and they rode the timeline to fix everything.
Way to not leave anything to the imagination.