Review #31

Hentai Man Goes Solo: Getting Around the Block

Story by Sashocirrione

Review by Hent




It's what it sounds like.


Well Hentai Man is by himself today… You know what that means!

Everyone unzip your pants and lets dive in dick first!

Title: "Getting Around the Block"

Author: Sashocirrione

Spoilers: Minor spoilers for the second half of the series.

Objection!

Warnings: NO UNDERAGE READERS. Rated M for a reason. Sexual activities. Swearing. Sexual activities that could count as non-consensual, depending on reader perspective and the unfolding of events.

And that's why I'm here.

Summary: Mello knows he must have gone insane, because there is no way this could really be happening. And if it did happen, it would happen to Matt.

Great summary. I totally understand the plot now. Also, a death note fan fic with no Kira! What the fuck is that about! Instead we get the chocolate eating dumbass!

Pairing: ObjectxMello

Sex toys? I take back everything I just said.

Additional Notes: All canon Death Note events previous to this have happened as normal.

So don't worry. I've only fuck up the story that you know and love from this point on.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Tetris, and I do not make any money from these writings.

I don't make money from it but here I am reading it.


Mello couldn't remember how he'd gotten to where he was,

Sounds like my typical weekend.

and that was a bad, bad sign. As were his surroundings. What he saw around him was completely and totally insane.

You could have just said insane. I believe you...for now.

His first thought was, "Shit, I've been drugged."

So it is my weekend!

His second thought was, "Kira wouldn't need to drug me, he'd just write down that I'd have bizarre hallucinations and then die at the end, after he'd had his laugh."

I've been drugged and it's funny because I wasn't under the control of a mass murderer with a magic notebook that let's him kill anyone he wants.

And his third thought was, "I didn't expect tetris blocks would have such an odd texture."

Wait....what! Where the hell did that come from?

Because there was no doubt about where he was.

Are you sure you're not jumping to conclusions?

He was inside a tetris game, stretched out on a series of shaped blocks that were soft, firm and oddly slippery all at once.

Thank you for trying to describe boobs like an idiot.

Each tetris block was roughly the size of a person.

But only if the person is shaped like this.

 Mello was watching another tetris block descend in jerky motions, twisting above him as it constantly re-positioned itself, glowing a soft blue.

It was obviously not some sort of prop descending on wires.

Because that would just be ridiculous.

The area was brightly lit and no wires were visible. Besides, it had already made in-the-air motions too complex for anything other than special effects to handle. It was clearly not real life or anything remotely possible. Furthermore, the spatial qualities of the place Mello was in were just crazy.

Ok! We get it! He is in the game. But last time I played Tetris it was not all that cool looking.

There was a kind of frame that held the tetris blocks, a frame that was visible wherever the blocks themselves didn't block his view both in front of him and behind him, under him and above him. But the other two directions didn't have proper walls or any sense of a horizon or perspective.

To sum up that jumbled mess just picture a Tetris game. You know-2D.

 There was simply a black nothingness to the right side and the left, in the directions that would be into the screen or out of the screen on a video game.

You know for being in a situation there blocks are falling from the sky, this guy is vary calm.

 He experimentally thrust

I like where this is going!

 an arm

Damit!

 into the black nothingness that would be "out of the screen" and watched as his hand disappeared there, but entered from the opposite direction.

Portal?

No, this was not an elaborate set of some kind, a colossal joke. It was an actual hallucination. A goddamn fucking hallucination.

For fucks sake! It's real! Get over it and get to the sex part!

Mello thought, "I hope Matt got away. Well, if Kira is giving me this kind of shit he probably has me confused with Matt.

I would like to point out that Matt is killed by a news reporters bodyguard. Not Kira. And you are killed by said news reporter.

Did Kira think all information referring to Matt was actually referring to me in disguise?

Bitch get over it! You're not an important character!

 

 Either way, I don't think I can do anything about it now."

There was an oddly languid feeling in his limbs, a jittery stretched-out sensation of having spent far too much time awake while tracking the movements of various people, few of which did anything interesting.

Much like this story.

At the thought of being defeated by Kira, Mello could feel in his gut, not the anger he expected, but an intense emotion of simply not caring, at all, about anything. He felt incredibly detached, unmotivated.

Wimp.

All the stress had completely shot his nerves; he knew that, he could feel it.

I'm not sure if this sentence is right or wrong...fuck it.

Every part of him was worn-out.

He's worn-out and we haven't even gotten to the sex! Tetris is going to mount your ass!

 Every action had become just going through the motions, working so very hard, spending hours upon hours holed up in various tiny shit-hole apartments with Matt, staring at screens with surveillance videos that continued to show almost nothing useful, hour after hour, day after day.

That's what happens when you turn down the position of L.

He laughed, laying there, wondering if anything was worth it anymore, his indecisive mind refusing to even contemplate getting out of the way of the descending blue block, which would soon land directly on him.

Its about damn time he got to the point.

He laughed again and thought, "Fuck Kira. Fuck him."

And then, to his surprise, despite the feeling of utter indifference that still pervaded his whole body, he tasted salty tears.

Cry baby. Have a piece of chocolate. You'll feel better.  

 He ran his tongue around his lips and savored the taste carefully, as if he were investigating a new kind of gourmet chocolate bar.

...Not what i meant dude.

Just then the blue tetris block landed on him, squirming on top of him, trying to dislodge him from the cozy hollow he was draped into between an orange block and a purple block.

Mello kicked viciously at it and said, "Fuck you, man, I like this place. Let me die in peace, you fucking fucker!"

So much for he didn't care about anything anymore.

Sashocirrione. You're a fucking fucker.

As if the block had understood but disapproved, it only became much more vigorous in its efforts, grinding against Mello in the most annoying way.

All right!!! Shits about to go down!

 He kicked again with both legs at once, and abruptly realized his boots were now missing as his bare feet connected with the softly glowing, strangely slippery blue block.

You don't wear socks under your boots?

A split-second later, he realized that it wasn't just his boots. All his clothing had somehow dissolved or poofed out of existence.

Hentai Man wants this power oh so badly.

And that block grinding against him was beginning to feel really good, warm tingles gathering in his crotch area as his breathing sped up.

Yaoi...Why can Hentai Man never get anything normal? Just once would be nice.

Some part of his mind wondered what was really happening,

You're getting raped! How is that so hard to understand? I understand that you were druged a little bit ago but if you are capable of observing your surroundings with great detail I'm sure you can understand this.

whether Kira or someone employed by Kira was doing this to him or if it was purely the hallucination.

Blame it on the author. He is a man or woman with way to much time on there hands.

But then he realized he just didn't care.

Theres my boy.

He did not fucking care, he just wanted to get off, to relieve the stress, to have something that was mindless pleasure for once and to not think about it.

The words I live by.

He grabbed the block in both hands and tried to rub against it, enjoying the slick friction, feeling himself hardening, developing a throbbing need between his legs, arching up into the block.

How heavy are these blocks? And how many people are Laughing hysterically while picturing this?...or am I the only one?

But the block was unruly. It struggled, slipping out of his grasp and still trying to shove him out of his nook by sheer force.

Since when are the blocks able to do that? They should just stop when it hits something and the next block comes down.

 It knocked Mello off balance,

Don't you need to be on your feet for that to happen?

 and before he could regain it, the blue block roughly shoved him forward against the orange block, his legs caught in the gap between the blocks and his ass in the air. The blue block forced him down, rubbing against his back and his butt and the backside of his legs.

Another question comes to mind. How are the blocks compared to him? I haven't heard of any black blocks in Tetris.

Somehow, it was even better this way.

 

The orange block that was underneath and in front of him had that same delectable texture for him to rut himself against,

How does one rut?

and at the same time the blue block was invading him from behind as it attempted to ooze into every gap and crack, to fill it up.

It's not invading if he doesn't care.

Mello felt the slippery soft-yet-firm texture gently penetrating him from behind, tentative and exquisite, almost like a pair of lips and a tongue.

Lips, vary known for their penetrating ability.

It was spreading him, rubbing and rocking, beginning to almost lick him deep inside.

What the fuck is this block? When I picture a Tetris block fucking a dude, I picture the long block thats four blocks tall and it acts like a dick.

He wanted it.

He has been getting it for the last two paragraphs.

He could feel everything opening down there, accepting this thing inside him. Mello wanted it to explore far inside, to completely invade him.

It said that they were human sized so that shouldn't be a problem.

And it was going so deep, warm and wet and wriggling inside him, touching a place that only made him want more and more and made him sweat and rock desperately and whine as he felt his approaching climax building to an incredible crescendo,

Crescendo? At least he pretends to understand to know what he is talking about.

 a tight hot heat

Realy?!?! A hot heat? Thank you very much for clarifying that. I would have never assumed that heat is hot.

driving relentlessly upward as his hyper-sensitive insides were penetrated again and again by his inanimate lover.

Sorry to break it to you but it's not your lover. Its just trying to get into it's space... So how do you think the person playing the Tetris game he is in feels right now?

He pressed his face into the orange block and let out a cry as he released in a series of hot spurts,

You're cumming already? This has all been a big teeze! Give me more action!

waves of pleasure moving through his entire body, giddy,

It's Giggity.

as if all his frustration from the weeks upon weeks of boring stake-outs and mind-numbing sleep deprivation had simply snapped at that moment, and it was flowing out of him entirely, being replaced by a warm afterglow.

The cum glows in the dark! Hentai Man wants this too!

He hoped Kira would have to clean up the mess.

So you have sex with a Tetris block and that's the first thing you think of?

Mello woke up draped across the couch and semi-tangled with the cushions, in such an odd position that his first thought was that he'd need to see a chiropractor.

NO NO NO!!!! DON'T YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!!!!!!!

His second thought was the realization that his own finger was stuck in his ass.

 

GOD DAMN YOU TO HELLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

His rapidly-softening dick was sticky and lodged between two cushions, and his clothing was mostly off and almost hopelessly tangled around his elbows and knees.

Matt was standing next to the couch with an expression halfway between amused and alarmed.

Don't mind me. I'm just standing here watching as you masterbate in your sleep because this is a Fuck You It's A Dream Storys (FYIADS)

Mello breathed slowly through his gritted teeth, trying not to inhale the sweaty strands of his long hair that were stuck to the skin all around his mouth.

Matt said, around the cigarette, "I heard it all.

What a good friend. Your buddy is getting raped and you are amused.

 You were narrating the whole thing in your sleep, just mumbling and mumbling a running commentary,

OH SHIT! HE KNOWS!!!

nonstop. Mello, you let a tetris block fuck you. That's so surreal. I almost envy you."

...So you want to finger your ass in your sleep?

Matt plucked the cigarette from his mouth and flicked ashes from the end, saying, "Dude, this sounds so much like something that would happen to me, not you."

All right. You clearly ran out of shit to write about.

Mello sat up and tried to collect himself with as much dignity as he could,

None

 which was almost nothing,

You are a man fingering your ass in your sleep. YOU HAVE NONE!

considering the circumstances.

Dreaming is not a good circumstance for this.

His neck had a terrible crick in it and he could barely untangle his clothing without falling over. He was torn between launching into a marathon swearing session or simply marching silently into the bathroom, cleaning up, and when he came out letting it be known that the subject would never be mentioned again.

All right! There is no chapter two! Hentai Man can go out a find something better to rip on! Hentai Manga here I come!

Matt grinned and said, "Well, I've been in a threesome with Birdo and Pyramid Head.

God damn it.

I've also had Samus somehow magically impregnating me with chocobo babies while Solid Snake holds me down and shits on my chest."

You do know that Samus is a girl right? I'm not sure but I might actually want to read that one.

Suddenly, Mello didn't feel at all ashamed.

That's how you end it! How dare you sir! Have Mello and Matt get it on at least!


A/N (Author's Note):

Well, like most of my weirder one-shots, this was inspired by a request on the dn_kink meme on livejournal.

Oh god he has more. Fuck You dn_kink meme on livejournal.

I don't know what to say about this except that sometimes things get very weird.

And shity.

 And that Matt's dreams are completely brain-breaking sick scenarios.

That you came up with.

For example, if anyone actually tackled the task of writing Matt/Solid_Snake/Samus mpreg scat, then I think a gasket would blow in my brain and I would ever afterwards be a gibbering idiot.

Well I know what I'm doing now!

Gibbering is your word of the day. It means "Urban Dictionary: A giant butt. Usually well toned and overall very attractive."

LIKE OMG!11! He is going to finger his ass so hard when I am done with him.

Although I suppose what Matt claims in this fic is up to the reader's interpretation, and perhaps Matt is lying just to make Mello feel better.

You're the fucking author! It's your choice! Fuck you sir. Fuck. You.

Well that sucked..... That story was a complete mood killer. But then again...

HENTAI MAN TO THE RESCUE!!!!

Your boner /and or/ vaginal secretion has been saved. My job here has been completed.