I found a list of stories; a list of stories actually called Stupid Tales. We've been working on a few bigger projects here at the Retributionists, but in the meantime here are some horror stories that probably didn't even scare the people who wrote them.
So ur with ur honey
and yur making out wen the phone rings.
So you ignore it, because you want to keep making out, your honey is either in the mood or delicious or both, and the person calling probably wouldn’t want to interrupt.
U answer it n the voice is “wut r u doing wit my daughter?”
“Right now we’re making out, call back in ten minutes if you want to know where that takes us.”
U tell ur girl n she says “my dad is ded”. THEN WHO WAS THE PHONE?
So ur in bed reeding a book and ur dog licks ur hand. Then u go to the toilet and wen u come back u get in bed. Ur dog says “Can I lick ur hand again”.
So was the bathroom tangent really necessary? If that second sentence disappeared the story would still make perfect sense.
Wait a minute… DOGS CANT TALK!
Oh yeah, they can’t! Well now I’m positively spooked, I don’t know if I can handle many more of these.
One day these kids went to an abandoned youth camp. This old guy tried to warn them that it was haunted by a killer and had a curse.
And if there’s anyone you can trust, it’s the random old guy telling children than camps are haunted.
But they didn’t believe him. After a week they went home and everything was fine.
The end. Or at least, it should be.
But then 46 years later one got cancer and died.
Now it’s the end, after telling us something that was probably completely unrelated to the week spent at an abandoned youth camp.
One day there were a couple of scuba divers who saw a sign that said “No scuba diving”
I wonder what could happen next…
and they had such poor parenting that they didn’t even look at it. Just when they were having a good time scuba diving they found a secret place where all the bad guys live.
What, you didn’t know that every villain from the Joker to the Joker shares the same underwater base? Well of course you didn’t, it’s so perfectly defended by the no scuba diving sign.
When they saw the bad guys coming out of it and looking around they got so afraid that they never scuba dived again. However, years later some of the bad guys came and found them and broke some of their scuba gear.
Which works out, because they were never going to scuba dive again anyways.
This is a story of a day where there was all this blood.
A man was walking around and blood started coming out of him everywhere.
There was so much blood that it filled up an elevator.
Someone’s been up past their bedtime watching the Shining.
He went to the store and there was just blood all over the place!
Good call going to the store, you wouldn’t want to go to the hospital or anything.
People were slipping in it and they were all grossed out. He tried to go swimming and all of the sharks went nuts and bittened everybody.
So since there are sharks, I think it’s fair to say he’s in the ocean. Swimming in saltwater with severe open wounds, doesn’t that sound fun?
He got chased by all the vampires ever.
In fairness, only about half of them posed any sort of threat.
One time the blood got a kid and a dog.
What… what does that mean exactly?
At the end of the day, everyone decided they would send him to space so that he would stop getting blood everywhere.
Seems like the only logical choice.
The scariest part is that the man was YOU!!!
(Or he was a lady if you are a lady)
and you forgot that this happened.
Well I’m glad this story reminded me, because I was wondering why the fuck I’m out here in space. I’ll be back to retributing before too long, but in the meantime I should probably see what I can do about all of this blood.