Review #20

Snape Meets the Teletubbies

Story by CristyV

Review by Ray




Snape Meets the Teletubbies

If you need an introduction, here you go.

This had to be the worst day Snape had experienced in his lifetime, which was a very long time.

What, no author’s note? Well this isn’t professional at all.

And he had experienced quite alot of terrible things.

Dying, for example.

He was going to be late for his Potions class. The one class that if her messed up,

If her messed up? Well apparently it’s not as big of a deal that the writer gets things right.

 

he would be humiliated for the rest of his life.

But if he completely botched the other classes, it wouldn’t be a big deal.

The class with those menacing boys, AKA James and co.

Who’s co?

Hey, it’s a prequel.

Co is a prequel?

Co’s company.

Who’s co’s company?

He was running as fast as he could, not looking where he was going.

Good thing it’s not a horror movie, tripping over nothing.

If he had been paying attention, he would have heard someone saying, "Plottholious Ardagus".

Plottholious, what could it mean?

Unfortunately, being the stupid idiot that he was, he ran into the Plothole.

Fuck your fourth wall.

Normally, a plothole would be an easy thing for a wizard to fix, but this is Snape. So, of course, it couldn't be done.

I don’t remember Snape being this dumb.

This is fanfiction Snape, he’s as dumb as the author wants him to be.

To his dismay, he found himself where the grass was greener, the sky was a beautiful, clear blue, and the sun had a smiley face.

Dismay? Oh no, color and beauty!

 

Well, color at least.

He stared at the sun for a moment,

Brilliant.

I’d be surprised if the sun was smiling too.

until he started to see spots turning into hot pink fluffy bunnies.

Aaaaand, the author is on acid.

He shook away the hot pink fluffy bunnies and looked around, wondering where he should go. "Now where is the Potions classroom?

He hasn’t even noticed he’s gone into a plot hole.

Would you?

I could have sworn I was going the right way." Snape said to himself. Just then, he spotted a green and a red creature. They were quite strange looking; small heads, large bodies, with strange obstructions on their heads.

Ya, their heads.

Snape was confused at the act they were pursuing. The one with a stick obstruction on his head was thrusting the stick into the other's obstruction that seemed to be a round hole.

 

Snape figured that they were performing some sort of sexual act, so he let them be to go over to a purple one with an inverted triangle obstruction. "Excuse me, but what exactly are you?" Snape asked. "Me Tinky-Winky Teletubby!"

“Me hatey-watey the dialogue.”

"Um...could you tell me how to get to the Potions classroom?" Snape asked. "Hug!" Said the Teletubby that was beginning to resemble Peter Pettigrew the more he looked at it.

 

Perfect.

It immediately began hugging Snape affectionately. As soon as Tinky-Winky said, 'hug', the other Teletubbies came fluttering and hugged Snape until his ribs cracked.

 

"Get off of me you barbantuic things!"

We Googled barbantuic, there were two results; this story and a document in a language that doesn’t seem to exist.

The Teletubbies eyes started to fill with water as they looked up at Snape with puppy dog faces. "You hurt Laa-Laa's feelings..." The yellow Teletubby said.

Well Laa-Laa was being a dick.

"You hurt Po's feelings..." Said the Red one.

I wonder why he isn’t named Po-Po…

"You hurt Tinky-Winky's feelings!" Said Tinky-Winky. "You hurt Dipsy's feelings."

One of them is named Dipsy. That is joke, you laugh now.

Said the green one.

Green?

It’s okay Ray. I’m Martin, My Immortal is over.

It will never be over.

Snape stared at them blankly for a moment, then picked up Tinky-Winky by his inverted triangle. "Listen you prat. Tell me where the Potions room is! Or else."

“Or else I’ll tear you a new plot hole!”

Snape threatened. Tinky-Winky just gave him a grin and exclaimed, "Let's make tubby custard and toast!" The Teletubbies started chanting, "Custard! Toast! Custard! Toast!" In frustration, Snape used an Orgasmnus

 

spell on all of them, and a liquid poured out onto the grass from their obstructions.

 

The Teletubbies jumped up and down happily. "Tubby Custard! Tubby Custard! Tubby Custard!"

Well that’s one name for it.

They then proceeded to lick up the "custard" off the ground.

No…

NO!

Maybe…

Snape looked at the custard for a moment. "Hey! That looks good!" He bent down and helped them lick it up.

 

"Mmm....Custardy." He commented.

 

"Toast! Toast! Toast!" The Teletubbies chanted. They dragged Snape to a garden with Toast-flowers in it. They poured some of the leftover custard on it, and treated themselves to some. Snape had a piece himself, and drew extremely uncomfortable in his lower area.

Extremely uncomfortable.

The Teletubbies started chanting again. "Nap! Nap! Nap!" They stated.

I don’t like where this is going.

They teleported Snape down to a room.

Can they do that?

Come on haven’t you watched the show?

Well I missed last Friday’s episode.

It was a doozy.

By then, Snape was more than a little ill. He was shouting, "Kill the Tubbies! Kill the Tubbies! Kill the Tubbies!" Over and over again, for the Teletubbies had driven him to insanity, and the Viagra toast hadn't helped much either.

Dammit fanfiction, stop stealing my inventions!

Suddenly, the Teletubbies' angelic smiles turned into sinister grins.

Is there a difference?

They attacked Snape, ripping and tearing his clothing apart. They said in a low, cold voice, "Nap." Snape looked upon them with horror.

So take a fucking nap, what does Snape have to do with it?

The only words he could choke out were, "Who are you?" The Teletubbies grinned and turned on their TV tummies. The Marauder's faces appeared in the TV's.

The who?

The co.

Tinky-Winky's face was Peter's. Po's face was Sirius. Dipsy was Remus, and Laa-Laa was James. "Goodbye, Snape." They cackled and opened up another plothole, throwing Snape inside.

Must be better than this place.

He arrived at the other side of the plothole, twitching. A young girl came up to him and said, "Hi! I'm Dora the explorer!

 

Would you like to help me on my journey to find the sticky tape?" Snape looked up at the sky and shouted out in a silent cry,

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

That was one hell of a silent cry.

The End.

Author Note:

Oh, there’s the author’s note. What are you doing all the way down here?

I have no idea what the Marauders have done to deserve this…

Not even the author knows.

*shakes head*

*Shakes fist*

I feel very sorry for them. It is Cristy who wrote this. I am just the typist. Poor, poor Marauders....