A/N: WARNING! Terrible soul crushing sex scenes ahead, please do not read this chapter.
Fine, I don’t need you. Link!
I’m doing a parody of My Inner Life, you’re helping with this.
Well if it’s anything like NSP, it won’t be too bad.
Evil overlord Dark Lord Ariakas of evil coughed again, he cleared up his voice and resumed his vile evil talking to myself and Link, like some sort of clichéd generic villain
"As I said my dear, I will get what I want, because I already won this long scavenger hunt against you, and I have all the toys I need at my disposal
When did we walk into Fifty Shades of Jenna?
including your being, behold one of my beloved "cough" beasts!" he said pointing at an empty dark ebony wall in the spacious hall we were.
I swear I don’t remember any of this. Maybe he was an extended universe villain or something.
Link left a whiny scream after the ugly evil batpire slapped our heads and pointed at a nefarious looking statue that was a couple of feet from that wall. Suddenly Dark Lord Ariakas
Just asked Navi about this. She said, “Ariakas is evil simply because he originated from the Shadow Realm, which automatically makes anyone evil by default.” So I guess that’s as good an explanation as any.
raised his raspy unsettling voice again "You may know this by now silverite "cough" a green dracumbia, such a thing beauty and majesty, yet so… arghhhhh…." He said like if he was losing breath "… "cough" well you should know the rest by now, the magical properties of the dra…"cough" "cough ah…" then he added while his right hand positioned servant started to attend the sick evil overlord.
I’m starting to think I took too long of a break since the last part. Because I don’t remember jack shizzat that’s happened.
"Jenna my love I think…!"
Telepathically, I can actually feel Ray having an aneurysm at that punctuation.
exclaimed Link as the batpire interrupted the bounded hero again slamming his head against the table and kept it pushed into "mrghhff ughhhhh…" exclaimed Link in an unknown language.
Maybe it’s unknown because his face is in a fucking table!
I decided to say nothing,
Said the narrator? Please?
I got very bored
Oh, so you get bored when your husband is getting the shit kicked out of him. Good wife, good wife. I believe that’s the kind of partner we should all look for.
and annoyed suddenly, and then Ariakas's boring voice called my attention again "How embarrassing, please forgive my bad presentation, so please let me brief about the subject "cough" as you should know, your biological essence can only be replicated in one way, and you got all that inside that suck of flesh you are wearing so, if you refuse to pay me back with your descendants, then I will transform you into one, and I must "cough "cough" warn you, being treated by a green dracumbia is far from a pleasant experience!" then he added, twisting his previous calm voice into a noisy bark.
*yawn* ah, sorry, I dozed off there. Could somebody please explain that block of text in one sentence?
"I choose… YOUR DEATH!"
For the rest of this story, whenever the villain talks, he will sound like that T-rex.
Serious question though: how will you even know it’s the villain talking? These quotation marks make no sense.
Okay, so maybe everyone will sound like the T-rex. That just makes the story even better.
I shouted with grace and courage and spat at Lord Ariakas's face, sadly my spit fell few inches to the table, but the threat was made,
Yes, the threat of… spit? How terrifying.
Blahblahmoo left a grunt go.
Ariakas raised his evil voice again "you don't seem to understand…" followed by strange uncompressible chanting, just a couple of seconds after the statue I saw started to crack and a big emerald spikey creature emerged from it,
Aim for the glowing shit on his legs.
after shaking off it quickly took a wild run at our way.
At our way.
At our way.
At our way.
I wasn't prepared, the sigh of something so brutish coming at an immobilized me was so unnerving I left a very loud scream "this can't be happening!" I thought to myself
I almost hope it’s a dream so that we can start fresh in figuring out what in Hyrule is going on here.
but then just as sudden as it started Ariakas stopped the creature few inches from the main table with a hand gesture or something, I started to breath heavily, Link just stared at it blankly.
Yeah sorry I keep zoning out, I just genuinely cannot remember what’s going on right now.
"I could just do it my "cough" way right now silverite, but because I rather not wait few years I will give you a chance, fetch me one of your unholy spawns, and give me what I EARNED and I will allow you to resume your existence!" he said "I will give you and that guy enough time to take a decision,
Are they really gonna have Jenna and Link bone to give their child to some guy from The Lord of The Rings?
I’m stuck on “take a decision”.
a couple of hours alone, and then the choice is "cough"… "Cough" yours" and finally he told something to the batpire in another language and it grabbed us in his disgusting big shoulders. I remained silent because I was still a bit shocked from such an unpleasant experience.
The amazing part is that I would totally believe this was written by the original Jenna.
The creature threw us rudely into a cell,
See that’s what happens when you don’t go for the legs.
locked the door and left, the room was small ugly and mean, it was silver but rusty,
inside was warm and smelled bad, with grotesque bars and too small size,
there was a tube like a pipe
Was it a pipe?
going down from the roof with drops of water coming from inside and a big fixed wooded wheel (to do exercise I think)
What are you a hipster now?
and a lot of loom in the floor.
"You are not going to get away with this" I said with courage.
"What are we going to do" Link inquired helpless.
Link. Quit being a pussy.
I’m not a pussy. I just genuinely don’t care about this fanfic of fanfiction.
"We've been in this situation before remember my love?" I shouted "The only thing we must do, and with WE I mean I, is use my tigercat instincts to escape" I shouted.
That sounds retarded enough to work.
So if that’s all you had to do from the beginning, why didn’t you escape and kill the villain?
Then I looked at myself and Link to have a perspective of the situation; He was tied up with chains all around his body.
I was bounded with plastic-like tubes around mine all coming out from a core, wrapping my arms against my chest and forcing itself with magic or shit, the core had a tri-force symbol I think.
Okay so there’s a problem with each sentence. For starters if Jenna is the stronger one why does she just some fucking tubes. Also magic or shit how the fuck do you confuse the two. Last but not least
What the fuck do those triangles look like.
Anyway I turned my head 150 degrees
Fuck off. I’m not visualizing that.
and started to chew the chains in my shoulder, they were hard and tasted like apple pie my teeth started to hurt after three hours and the chains were still there.
But I thought they were tubes around your body.
like tubes. like.
"By the Goddesses Link!" "What the fuck are we going to do?" I screamed
"We have no hope left" he inquired
Define inquired please.
"We are just screwed" he said with a despair look on his eternal blue eyes, he was soo hot!
Well there’s only one thing to do in a time like this: fuck. Because clearly that’s what happens next.
"I am never going to give up!" I said. Three minutes later Link fell asleep.
Smooth link. Just like fucking silk.
The time passed I really couldn't do a thing,
Am I the only one who would still be chewing on the pipes? I mean if they taste like apple pie…
it felt so unsettling, like if something was out of place, but I couldn't do a thing about it, I talked with Link and convinced him to just give Ariakas what he wanted, he hesitated for a few seconds but then I convinced him with my love, after all, if he would set us free, in time we could extract revenge and recover whatever he takes from us.
Can I just say I called it?
I think. But I still don’t know what’s happening 100%.
Well you should’ve been paying attention.
The hours were over Blahblahmoo took us back to the throne room
Well this villain was named by a four year old. With a learning disability.
We exchange some words but we closed it with my beautiful words "I think we have a deal!" I said. Suddenly everything went black, they covered our heads with a sack or something, I remembered feeling being dragged around and set into a vehicle or something,
They don’t have vehicles! Do you mean a horse?
probably they didn't want us to know where the place was, we were out of there and back in Hyrule's frontiers, they took off the sacks, we were in a vehicle full of draconians and a batpire.
"Forget… don't the maki plan" Blahblahmoo said with his broken retarded English
Yeah no that’s pretty much spot on.
and forced us shallow the little green orbs Ariakas talked us about in the deal. The guards untied us and gave us back weapons and equipment.
You know what? You’re going to die at the end of this, so why even critique your plan?
"Remember" said a guard "As we were ordered you two are going to meet a terrible fate if you don't finish the job in few hours" and they dropped us out of the wagon, untied, then they left almost like disappearing.
Wait, what plan? What?
Isn’t not paying attention fun?
Link was staring to the ground with a sexy empty look.
We really gotta stop setting down the controller. He just stands there, and it’s really confusing everyone in the story.
"I can't believe we are really going to do this" he inquired. I looked around and noticed Epona and Star Dancer running at us.
I decided to cheer Link up because I am a very good person "But, my love, you know there is nothing left we can do" I remembered him.
When does saying there’s nothing else you can do ever actually cheer someone up? That is the most depressing thing you can say.
We saddled the horses and went straight to Hyrule Castle.
I’m back, baby! We took a break since the last line of this review. What happened before that is now anybody’s guess.
We reached it in a matter of minutes, a humanoid came and took our horses to the stable, and we just crossed the bridge back to castle town when suddenly.
The fuck’s a humanoid?
They’re the things that we are.
So why not just say a fucking person?
"Oh, by the goddesses, you are there!" Navi screeched "where have you been? Everybody was soo worried about you two!"
"Nowhere" I said.
Oh well thank fucking god I didn’t miss anything while I was gone. Say how long was the part I missed? You know, the one that totally didn’t matter?
I couldn't make her suspect a thing
If you don’t want her to suspect a thing, maybe come up with a convincing lie. Don’t say you were “nowhere” for a couple of days. Dumb bitch.
we had a mission to accomplish; the green orbs inside us only give us three hours.
You know, I would try to explain it to you, but they still haven’t explained anything to us.
"But this is not…." She was saying when suddenly I captured her in a bottle.
Wait, so Navi can’t talk now? Yay!
"Jenna what have you..." Link was inquiring.
ALL THE RAGE.
THE WORD INQUIRING USED IN THE PASSIVE VOICE. FUCK. Sorry, had to get that out of my system. It’s really no big deal compared to the rest of this, but that one got to me.
I don’t judge. If we didn’t yell every now and then, we would kill something.
"Silence!" I shouted "We have no time"
“Silence!” she shouted.
We continued our way to the castle, but the guards stopped us.
“Hey, were you shouting at people to be quiet? Stop that.”
"Jenna Silverblade and her husband, we were looking for you, where have you being?" asked a guard.
Being. How does that even sound right in your head? You could be drunk and high and that still would sound wrong.
Actually, when you were reading that part out loud, I thought you were just doing a British accent for some reason. Namean?
Shut the fuck up Ray.
"Don't be naïve!" I shouted
Stop fucking shouting!
Also, how did you type two dots over the i, yet simultaneously shit out this story?
That is a fantastic question.
"Just move from our way"
Because if you tell a guard to get out of the way, they will totally listen and apologize for being an ass. Worst spies ever. You know what, throw in a picture of James Bond, no, Austin Powers saying that.
"I am sorry lass but we have to ask you two some questions" replied that idiot guard.
Hey how do you think they want us to feel about the guard?
Maybe that he’s a genius? I’m going to guess that he’s really smart. Although in all actuality, he’s the only one who’s actually done anything logical in this story so far.
"I warn you!" I shouted but suddenly the guard figured out how beautiful and innocent I was
so they let us alone (the earth shaking move I made helped a little bit too),
Sure, imma pretend that makes sense.
then we walked to our room inside the castle. As expected Ruto, Link Junior and Edward were there.
The fuck is Edward?
Oh, I got this. Ruto wanted his dick, Link Junior is his dick, and Edward is some bitch who lost his arm and leg on Full Metal Alchemist. Or sparkly vampire bitch. Your choice.
[Editor’s Note: See review #68! Or don’t!]
"Jenna! Oh Jenna is you I am soo happy I thought you were gone" Ruto said.
Does Ruto have a speech impediment I forgot about?
She’s just overcome with so much sadness because Jenna isn’t dead, which means she can’t have Link all to herself.
"Ruto, what are you doing here?" Link inquired.
"Oh, Link nice to see you too" Ruto answered "By the way where have you two been? Everybody was soo worried"
Is she being sarcastic? The were sooooooooo worried?
"We were just outside, we were here too much time, and it was suffocating" Link inquired again smartly.
A) Is smartly a word? B) No.
"So now leave, we don't need your service anymore" I shouted.
You’re just a cunt.
"But wait I would like to…" she tried to say.
"LEAVE I SAID" I said kicking her out and then closing the door.
Jesus. Is that necissary? This is how you don’t be discrete. I don’t care if the holy combination of Kate Upton and Selena Gomez kick someone out a fucking door; if I’m a guard, I’m gonna go, “Hey, could you not do that?” Especially in front of children.
There were those two sleeping cutely together.
"Well, I guess we only have to bring them Link Jr." I said beautifully
"He will be better living the life of a King and we are not going to die"
So wait you’re going to give Dickwad Link Jr, the kid with all seventeen pieces of the Triforce. And not the useless little bitch. Call me a heartless dick all you want, but keep the kid with all the powers.
[Editor’s Note: Warnuts and Ray then got distracted and didn’t finish the review until four months later, when they were joined by Fluff and Martin.]
Ray, why are you punishing me?
And I am also here.
"Hell no!" Link inquired once again
Oh yeah, now I remember why we didn’t finish this one. Ray uses Dictionary Slam!
Inquire, verb: To seek information by asking a question.
"No… the second one!" he shouted awkwardly "Don't you remember he was drawing a sketch about cold fusion with crayons last month?" he then said.
Did someone say a child figured out cold fusion? Let me take a look at that...
"How dare you!" I shouted "You have a favorite, you just prefer him because he's older, and cuter, and does every effing thing you order to him! And then what? He's going to be popular in school? While everybody ignores me even though I am obviously the most prodigal and beautiful one, leaving me alone only with video games as friends!
And what the fuck is wrong with that? I mean this shit was made by a person who’s only friends were video ga… Oh.
Well it's your entire fault, be careful about tragically accidents do you hear me! Accidents like exploding mom and dad!" I said sexily
Exploding moms and dads….yup, I’d put that in the same category as accidents.
Exploding parents can have benefits.
"Well my love, I am a woman" I added "So I am not going to change my mind no matter what you do, Link Jr. is going to leave" I shouted "Unless… you convince me" I said seductively.
At least she’s meaning what she says.
"You have to be fucking kidding me!"
Fluff said when Ray told him he was going to be in this review.
Link said with burning passion.
"Yes my love YES" I said.
"Geez not again!" he said "This is not the tim…" I put my hand sexily in his mouth shutting him up.
I could see this in an animated short. A long, long, several chapter books long animated short.
First we putted the bottle with Navi away under the bed of the room,
and then we cover it up with a huge heavy pillow and ignored her insane screaming.
I would hope they would do that with this story.
(it was probably "listen" or something) Then I took Link's hands with all my gently force
How does that work?
"What!" I interrupted him.
"Is just that…"
Say what one more time...
Oh how I missed this.
I use it for special occasions, like stupid shit like this.
I said softly then I started to feel arouse I put my other hand unto Link's Crouch "See my love?" I said "You may say NO but you're body says YES!"
I kissed passionately, I was feeling the sweetness of him again, I started to play with his tongue, sucking it, biting it even though he was feeling a little bit of pain,
He was feeling a bit of pain? This is first person, and you madam, are cheating.
but I loved it, then I put my hand below his skirt
It’s a kilt! He said in a sexually scottish accent.
and then my fingers inside his underwear, I started to tickle him there "Guess what my love!" I asked enigmatically.
"What?" Link asked.
"I am having SEXUAL THOUGHTS!"
First I took off my clothes and then Link's. All I could feel was Link's heavenly naked body; I started to moan as I was feeling sheer pleasure! I could feel Link's heart beating faster and it was mine, all MINE!
Insert ripping heart out fatality gif
> Warnuts spends several minutes finding a gif on Google
> Ray spends half an hour making something in photoshop
> Martin types for literally seconds
> Still works
"Link, oh… Goddesses... Link!" I screamed as he started to work my flower.
Huh. I can see why it needs the spikes.
I threw him to the floor and put myself in top of him "Link, do me! …Do me you giant hero hank of a man!" I shouted out of PURE ecstasy.
But… you’re on top.
Then I placed Link's thingy on my back flower
and we started to live, LIVE faster without a single piece of care, I really wanted to feel it! It was sooooooo intense that Link started to cry tears of pure joy. Then it came, we were both experiencing a climax, but no, it was no enough for me.
"Try it better now my love!" I said as I pushed him even deeper into me. Link obeyed as always and resumed his effort; I started to make female tiger sounds!
Link was there, he was with me,
Well she had options.
I had him, his body, his physically manifestation, he started to scream out of pure ecstasy! Finally after thirteen minuets we did it we got another climax I could felt a little more of Link's essence flowing inside me.
"More!" I screamed "FUCKING MORE!" I said enjoying soo much for first time in a lot of time "There is no risk this time" I exclaimed "Let's do it now in the tradition way!"
If they have one more baby, I’m going to devote the rest of my life to the non-ironic appreciation of freeform jazz and modern art, just so I never have to review My Inner Life ever again.
"But Jenna I can't…"
"Don't dare to stop this Link, you are a MAN aren't you? Don't dare to stop love, because love will NEVER DIE!" I said sexily.
There are ways.
I took his stuff and placed it sexily inside my heavenly beautiful and special main entrance and started to push harder, and then Link started to cry screams of passion and love! My body started shivering and then I felt the most brutal sensation of my life, after few minutes we were almost reached out third climax, I started to roar as a female tiger and Link was making a lot of cat-like sounds,
What the absolute fuck is with you and cats?!
Hey Fluff, what do you think her fursona is?
then it happened, it was soo intense I started to scream with pleasure:
"Link Silverblade… OH fucks... Link Silverblade… LINK SILVER BLADE!" Link came a little bit of blood inside me,
I was satisfied.
We were laying in the floor of our children's room.
"Ouch" he inquired
Navi from under the pillow: Drink a healing potion Link!
"Jenna my love, I want to ask you something".
"What?" I answered with concern.
“When will this shitty fanfic end?”
"How much time we have left?" he said.
Huh, basically what I said.
"Let me see" I replied taking a look to my beautiful pocket clock "One hour and forty minutes, why asking? Want to cuddle or something?" I asked back.
"I did what you wanted, Link Jr. is not going to leave right?" he said.
"Don't worry Link, I will always love you more than I could ever love one of my children" I said "But no, you will not take away Edward from me" and that was an ultimatum.
Few minutes after, I was wearing a beautiful and special dress that had the tri-force symbol in its top, it was very expensive because I brought…
"Hurry up my love!" Link said rudely and for some reason angry
He interrupted her clothing descriptions. Link, I applaud your heroism; you deserve a medal.
"We have less time than I thought!" We mounted back our horses and booted them in the legs to go directly to our home in lost woods, after passing through the Kokiri tunnel another creature came and took our horses to the stable.
"We are here!" "Hellooo!" we shouted once in lost woods, near our home. And then she came.
"Oh by the Goddesses you are here" it was Aria then I send a message to Link telepathically.
I’m sorry it’s been a while, have they always been able to do that?
Sure, why not.
Only if Link plays the song of the forest, which he hasn’t, because Jenna stole his ocarina.
"Damn I forgot she was still here, fast there can't be any witnesses, make her go away or just kill her"
Hmm, tell a person politely to go away or literally fucking kill them. This is supposed to be the heroine of the story?
Then Link did as I ordered him to do.
"Aria this is important, we left Edward in the castle and for his own sake, and you must go and check him out now" he inquired almost as smartly as I would.
Bitch, then why didn’t you then? Also Link seems to be the king of inquiring.
"Oh right, I'll come back with the report" She said and flew away.
I felt a sensation of peace, everything was starting to be okay, our lives will soon going to be back like they were, without problems. Suddenly I had that weird feeling of been watched again.
"Blahblahmoo, Reveal yourself!" I shouted. The hideous black beast fell down of the sky.
Oh come on she wasn’t that hard.
"Child" he said extending his demonic arms to me.
Manish grunt* “Pizza.” extends arm.
"Okay, take it and remember our deal" I said taking Link Junior but suddenly Link interrupted me.
"Please" He begged "Give me only few seconds to say good bye" he said with those delicious tears in his eyes.
He looked directly into Link Junior's eyes and said.
"Son, I am sorry, I am sorry for not been able to give you the life you deserve, and it's all my fault, I never cared too much about you I admit it, but that may be because… because deep inside me I think I hate myself, I had a though life, I grown without a mother, forces of destiny forced me into an impossible quest when I was young, I had no childhood, literally, I have still the mind of a prepubescent boy and also is the war… Is there where I learned how crude actually this world is, that's the only reason I feel so sorry about you, because I know you are going to go through the same I did, you are going to be… used… oh Goddesses son I love so much as a father could love his child, but this life is better for you, I mean… It can't be worse than this!" He inquired.
Well, I’m sure there’s nothing that can top that monstrosity of bullshit I just read.
Then Link Junior giggled and said "E=mc^2".
So wait, we get some Broken Wigs shit from link, the JR spits out some Einstein shit… Sure why not.
I’m going to borrow this:
"Deal tachu" Blahblahmoo
Oom poppa chuckamaga nauva sing gow, ding koppawallawally double ching pow, heavy coppalua cumma ginasing tea, oom mama chuckamana one is now free.
said and then he put his claws on our stomachs and said "Muhtazhumi alzmetha!" then I felt like if somebody would punched me badly.
"What kind of ugh… dark magic ugh… is this?" I said. Then I felt something going up through my throat, we puke the green orbs and Blahblahmoo took them up and also took Link Junior with him "Good bye!" I said to my son showing concern. Then the batpire flew away with my firstborn son, I was kind of sad.
"What the hell is this?" Suddenly Lilly came out of nowhere.
"Oh no!" I shouted "We forgot about Lilly"
"We can explain this" Link inquired.
"Have I just seen you two…"
"Kamus fri mata!" I screamed as a blast of ice made my problems disappear forever.
[WORDS OF INTENSE WRATH AND FURY]
"What have you just...?" Link inquired.
"Link, oh Goddesses, that was a close one" I said sexily. For some reason he just fell down to the floor and started to cry like a queer.
You know what, I’m just done.
Oh thank GOD!
Join us next time, for chapter 3!
[Editor’s Note: Ray then waited a month before posting the review, bringing the total production time to a record-breaking six months. Good work everybody.]