Review #184

Blood Raining Night (Post 1)

Story by Reicheru Ketsuekineko-oni

Review by Ray




Ray! Website update!

Finished!

Oh, really? Dang. I wanted to make fun of you for not having it done yet.

I mean, there are still a few things to square away. But I am finished building everything, and I would expect the official transition to happen sometime this week or the next.

Awesome. So do we have a story to review in the meantime?


I’m excited about this one. There’s no way in hell we’re going to finish it tonight, but that’s okay; this one is worth spending some time on.

Chapter 1, The First Rainy Night

Oh god, Blood Raining Night?


The sky was blue out. Reicheru had just opened her golden eyes to the morning like she has for the past 17 years of her life.

Did everybody pick up on the incredibly subtle exposition? In case you missed it, Reicheru is seventeen. Which means that by the time this chapter is over, it is my goal to have this counter surpass her age.

Mary Sue Counter: 1

The first offense was the golden eyes. I want to give her another point for the name Reicheru, but hey, at least it’s more creative than Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.

She grogily rubbed her hands on her eyelids and rolled over. She was staring Denmark in the face or as she calls him "Denny."

Oh haai Denny.

"Denny-Kuuuun," she spoke softly like floating butterflies on the breeze

Mary Sue Counter: 2

"good morning. I've missed you in my sleep."

"I've missed you too." He took his hand and ran it down to the tip of her soft furry ear.

Hello.

Seventeen year old.



Hello.

Her ear twitched with delight!

Oh yeah, not everybody has neko ears in this universe, sooo…

Mary Sue Counter: 3

There we go.

"I get worried about you sometimes, though."

"Really?" Her golden eyes lit up like a light in a lamp on a dark night.

Mary Sue Counter: 4

"Yes of course! You work for the Yakuza, how else am I suppose to feel?"

Her eyes gazed downward like as if trying to see something on the floor,

> like as if trying to see something on
> Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

"it's good to know there's actually someone who cares about my existence."

"I love you with all my heart, Rei-kun."

"Nya~!

Mary Sue Counter: 4½

You do, I know you do. I love you, Denny-Kun." Reicheru purred. They kissed passionately like a woman and man that haven't seen each other for forty years but have loved each other all that time.

Or like two people who fell asleep together and then woke up together and then kissed. One of the two.

She wanted to drink his blood, really really bad.

Mary Sue Counter: 4¾…

But, she couldn't, for if she were to suck the life juices out of him, it would turn him into a demon-vampire.

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion

Of course, she would never let anything bad happen to him. He was the love of her life, and her only love.

Reicheru dressed in her outfit she wore to the Yakuza

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + 1

and got ready for work. She wore a white school-girls outfit

Oh my fucking goodness, it’s my favorite thing! Descriptions of clothing that add fuck all to the story!

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + 2

that had long sleeves,

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + 3

a red ribbon around her neck,

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + 4

red trimming that went on her sleeves,

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + 5

a red skirt,

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + 6

her brown hair tied up in a red ribbon red as blood,

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + 7

and a big gun.

Gary Stu Counter: Eighteen Billion + 8

Her long brown hair

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + 9

with blue highlights in the middle

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + 10

swayed in the breeze so beautifully,

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + 11

she could almost kill someone with her lipswere really red,

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + 12

but she didn't need expected she would have a tough assignment today.

Reicheru was out, prowling in the woods when she heard a certain cackling! It was a witch!

"OOhhh," the witch said in a nasty voice, like you're eating something slimy, " I see there's a girl out to get me, and she thinks she's prettier than me, eh?"

"Well," Reicheru smiled, "you are old and ugly, and I'm assigned to kill you. This will be the last time you fight me!"

And the first¿

Reicheru ran toward the hag, her breasts delecately bouncing in the wind.

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + 13

The witch took out a staff and tried to smite her, but fell short when Reicheru suddenly disappeared and re-appeared behind her. "I told you not to mess with me!" She said slitting the witche's throat open. She put her lips to the wrinkly neck and sucked on it, really really hard. The blood came pouring into her mouth like a waterfall of gore and violence.

Does it really count as a simile if it’s already the thing that it’s describing?

She was going home after having killed the witch when she heard an unusual noise coming from the bushes.

He said, "I've come back for you."

Reicheru was astonished "father?" she yelped. "You're supposed to be dead, why did you come back? Why did you have to come back." Tears of pain and darkness rolled down her eyes

Mary Sue Counter: Eighteen Billion + ℝ

as her worst nightmare stepped towards her.

"I'm undefeatable, bitch.

You had your chance years and years ago, but you failed. Now I'm back to get you."

"You don't want to fight me, father!" She drew out her long, bloody sword and looked at him in a cruel way.

"I haven't come to kill you right now, but some day. Beware." With that, he threw a smoke bomb at her and disappeared.

We’ll be back to this story real soon. In the meantime, I’ve got a website to finish.