Hello? Hent? Ray? Fluff? Martin? Hell, I’ll take Warnuts.
[Editor’s Note: Hi Yellow.]
Oh, hay editor. Where is everyone?
[Editor’s Note: They all forgot it was Friday.]
Wait, all of them?
[Editor’s Note: Yup. I was just about to light the website’s server on fire: it’s really the only solution at this point.]
Wait, I have a better idea: let’s review one of Ray’s old stories.
[Editor’s Note: Is it about gay furries?]
Of fucking course it is, what else would one of Ray’s old stories be about?
[Editor’s Note: Well… fine. But we’d better hurry if we’re going to finish by midnight. That means not wasting time on images, got it?]
[Editor’s Note: Oh my god we’re never going to finish in time. This story is called Shift, written circa 201X by a young Ray Thompson. Here’s the description.]
We all know the story; guy thinks he’s straight, guy starts having feelings for another guy, guys get together and live happily ever after.
Actually, I don’t know the story and I’m fairly certain that Ray just pulled it straight out of his ass.
[Editor’s Note: Just did research. It looks like that actually is a pretty common plot structure within gay amatuer writing communities.]
Where did you find gay amatuer writing communities so fast?
[Editor’s Note: Internet.]
It’s not a bad story at all,
[Editor’s Note: Based on my research, I beg to differ.]
but it’s time we tried something a little different.
Oh good, author’s notes, our favorite.
To reiterate, I’m not trying to patronize the archetype of guy finds out he’s gay.
Does Ray know what archetype means?
[Editor’s Note: Not… quite. It’s really really close to being used correctly.]
But it was not used correctly here.
[Editor’s Note: Correct.]
It’s lead to some amazing stories, and I’m sure it will continue to do so.
Well then why the fuck aren’t you using it?
Jonas sat on the edge of the bed in his apartment. He had been feeling down for the past week, ever since his boyfriend had broken up with him. Jonas had loved the raccoon, and thought they had a good future ahead of them. Then Scotty broke up with him, offering no reason for it.
Scotty would have given a reason, but alas, Scotty doesn’t know.
[Editor’s Note: Reference.]
Oh come on, people know that song. Right?
[Editor’s Note: Sorry Yellow. It’s an older song than you think.]
[Editor’s Note: ): ]
The rabbit laid back on his bed and ran his hands through the fur on his head, deep in sad thoughts.
I was going to be sarcastic about how not-subtle this is, but it’s really just sad beyond sad words of sadfulness.
The phone rang, surprising the rabbit and making him jump a little.
[Editor’s Note: You know if you cut out the middle part of that sentence, it would actually be much more effective. That way the reader could infer that the rabbit was scared, instead of being told the rabbit was scared.]
Hey Editor. Guess what Ray didn’t fucking do.
[Editor’s Note: Cut out the middle part of that sentence?]
Reaching to retrieve the phone from the nightstand without moving from his relaxed position,
[Editor’s Note: Pick one subject per sentence, Jesus.]
[Jesus’ Note: I pick the nightstand.]
Umm… okay, you know what, sure. Weirder cameos have been made.
Jonas picked it up and said “hello?” in a quizzical tone, as if to ask who it was.
I’m about to slap a bitch. Ray just over explained a question mark.
[Editor’s Note: You’ll have to wait until next Friday to slap him. If he were here right now, we wouldn’t be reading this in the first place.]
“Hey Jonas, it’s Conroy” the fox on the other end responded.
What if we didn’t have to know that he was a fox right away? What if we could wait until it actually mattered?
[Editor’s Note: Because it will never matter.]
Well then why the hell are they furries? Anthro characters are aesthetically neat, ripe for symbolism, and some people find them sexy. But in this story, none of those three things is happening. So what the fuck? Why can’t they be humans?
[Editor’s Note: Because this was written for a furry website?]
BUT WHY WAS IT WRITTEN FOR A FURRY WEBSITE?
[Editor’s Note: Capslock has now been disabled.]
You’re no fun.
[Editor’s Note: Comic Sans has now been enabled.]
“Oh, hi” Jonas said, greeting his best friend,
Well that’s not shoehorned exposition at all.
[Editor’s Note: Sarcasm.]
“so what’s up?”
“I was thinking we could go do something tonight. Get you back out there, you know?” Conroy suggested, with full knowledge of Jonas’ recent break up.
Well yeah, obviously he knows: why else would he say that last part? Honestly Ray, if you could just think about your words for a second, we probably wouldn’t even be reviewing this.
The rabbit was out of the closet and not shy about letting people know, but he didn’t broadcast it. If you asked Jonas he would tell you, if you didn’t he would keep it to himself, simple as that.
[Editor’s Note: So he’s not shy about letting people know… but he’s reserved and timid about letting people know.]
Makes sense to me.
[Editor’s Note: Shy, adjective: being reserved or having or showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people.]
Well when you put it like that, it almost sounds like Ray is blatantly contradicting himself.
“I don’t know” Jonas said hesitantly,
AS OPPOSED TO SAYING “I DON’T KNOW” WITH AN ABUNDANCE OF CONFIDENCE.
[Editor’s Note: Wait, caps lock was disabled.]
SHIFT KEY, BITCH.
“I think right now I’d just bring everyone down”
“Well I’m coming by in an hour, and I’m getting you out of that apartment” Conroy said, “you decide if the neighbors have to file complaints”
[Editor’s Note: Oh look, Ray’s stealing more lines from comedians.]
Oh wow, what a shitty thing to do.
[Editor’s Note: Yup.]
“Alright, see you then” Jonas said, smiling for the first time that day. He was glad somebody cared about him. It’s not like he and Conroy would ever be in a relationship,
Really? Now we’re over explaining the things that aren’t happening?
[Editor’s Note: But Yellow, obviously readers can’t figure things out for themselves!]
Well we haven’t figured out how to stop reading this yet, so maybe you’re right.
but Jonas actually thought that was for the best. He figured friendship was easier to maintain, and more worthwhile in the end.
Ray, please, learn how to handle the shallow end before you try to get all deep on us.
But maybe that was just the heartache talking.
I quit. That level of cliche writing-masturbation, I just… I can’t take it. Later Editor, have fun with the rest of the review. There are what, three chapters total? You can handle it on your own.
[Editor’s Note: Yes, the rest of the story…]
[Editor’s Note: No. No, it would be irresponsible of me to light the entire retribution.fm server on fire just because I don’t want to finish a review.]
[Editor’s Note: Where have you been! Yellow and I were reviewing another story that you wrote in high school!]
Why would you do that to yourselves? Quick, burn the entire retribution.fm server to the ground so that you don’t have to finish the review!
Dude. I was joking.
[Editor’s Note: Too fucking bad: I wasn’t.]
So that was the worst review we've ever posted, right?
Oh without a doubt. I mean, look at it.
[Editor’s Note: Good. Let this be a lesson: buy a fucking calendar and circle fucking Friday.]