"I really admire and respect Jimmy Carter," I say as I go on to write really long really graphic gay porn about him…
We all have a hobby.
So anyways, I reblogged this one ask prompt thing on tumblr
Because as we know, everything ends well when Tumblr is involved.
that basically asked for people to send me a character name, and I'd have my character react to finding and reading a graphic erotic fanfiction of themself and the character that was sent in. Because I'm part of tumblr's weird little politics/president fandom thing, I chose Jimmy Carter for it, and then a bunch of my friends left various other politicians in my ask box, so now here I am writing long, graphic, depraved political crack smut about Jimmy fucking Carter, of all people.
Hey Fluff, isn’t it just the best when a story starts with an excuse/apology?
I feel like that’s how all the stories we review start out.
Oh lord, and I thought I was going to hell for writing the Nixnew fanfiction and the Dick Cheney x Bucket of Water fanfiction.
brb I have to go look at something.
Avert your eyes Ray! I’ve seen it already and it’s not pretty!
Oh dear Jesus it’s a song fic! The bucket of water I could deal with, but nobody told me it would be a song fic!
This shit definitely seals the deal. I'm not going to heaven guys, I've already sold my soul to Lucifer. Oh well. My eternal damnation aside, I hope you all enjoy this collection of incredibly raunchy crack smut about arguably one of our most innocent presidents.
Yeah, about that. Here’s a list of everything I know about Jimmy Carter.
- He was a president of The United States.
And that’s it. That is literally everything I know about former president Jimmy Carter. So this should be a good introduction.
I wasn’t even sperm when Carter was president so I’m in the same boat with you.
This first chapter is solely Jimmy Carter/Richard Nixon smut, but I'll be adding three more chapters after this one with smut for all the other pairings.
Well I’m sure those other chapters will be as great as this one.
Actually, we’re in luck; as far as I can tell, they haven’t been written yet.
Jimmy was beginning to regret coming here.
He’d known that it was a bad idea to do this, but he’d gone and done it anyways. He’d let his judgement slip, he’d let one of the nation’s most hated ex-presidents sweet talk him, and now here they were booking a room together at the Watergate.
10/10 believable setting. I’m sure that if Nixon wants to hang out anywhere in the whole wide world, it’s Watergate.
He probably had a timeshare there.
The president sighed nervously and sat down on the edge of the bed, watching as his companion for the evening, none other than the infamous Richard Nixon,
went around the room closing the curtains and dimming the lights. When he had finished, the older man joined the younger on the bed, reaching over to pull him into a gentle kiss. Jimmy halfheartedly kissed back, internally conflicted over whether or not he should go any further. Nixon seemed to sense his unease; he broke the kiss and tilted the Democrat’s chin up slightly so their eyes met.
The Secret Service agents in the other room must be having the most awkward boner.
“Do you not want to do this?” He asked.
Well that would seem to be the case, but this story exists, so clearly it’s going to happen either way.
Jimmy’s cheeks reddened; he placed his hand over Nixon’s and averted his gaze to the floor.
“I want to do it, I really do,” He assured the Republican,
“I want to fillabust your asshole”
“but President Nixon, what if someone catches us?” Nixon quieted him with another kiss.
“Don’t you worry about a thing, Carter,” He murmured against the president’s lips, “We won’t get caught.
Knowing Nixon’s ability to not get caught I’m not too sure that’s a solid promise.
Now, just lay back and relax.” He placed his hand upon the younger man’s chest, gently pushing to encourage him to lie down. Jimmy did, making himself comfortable amongst the pillows as Nixon reached down and took hold of his pants. He raised his hips slightly to make it easier for the ex-president to pull them off, which the older man appreciated.
OH LOOK DESCRIPTIONS OF CLOTHES IT’S OUR FAVORITE THING.
[Editor’s Note: Sarcasm.]
Once they were out of the way, Nixon set the pants aside, leaving the president naked from the waist down. Jimmy, modest as he was, instinctively brought his hands down to cover his crotch, but Nixon caught his wrists and pulled them away.
“Don’t do that,” He scolded him harshly, “How the hell do you expect me to suck your cock if you’re keeping it covered?”
Where the fuck do I find these stories?
I found another story for you to read, it involves Lucius Malfoy raping his sex slave Dobby.
Oh, thanks Berry. But seriously where do I find these fucking stories?
Jimmy cringed at the older man’s vulgar language, but he mumbled a brief apology and folded his hands over his chest so they wouldn’t be blocking anything.
What was the set of circumstances that led up to this? It genuinely doesn’t matter, but since neither of them seem especially into it, I just can’t help but wonder.
I’m sure this is just what happens after every Presidential debate.
He watched apprehensively as Nixon stared down at his crotch, feeling very vulnerable under the older man’s lustful gaze. The Republican grinned and gave a nod of approval.
“You had no reason to try and hide it from me,” He chuckled, “It’s not like it’s small or anything. In fact, it’s far from small.” He reached out and touched the Democrat’s thigh, eliciting a startled gasp from him. He smirked, intrigued by this.
Man, on the list of the things I find sexy as fuck, old people and ex-presidents are right at the top.
Wait… I was holding it upside down. They’re at the very, very, very bottom.
“I haven’t even touched your cock yet and you’re already jumpy.”
It’s really not that strange. If this man was trying to grab my cock, I would be jumpy too.
He teased, tracing small circles onto Jimmy’s leg with his fingertips. “You’re not going to shoot your wad the second I put my mouth on it, are you?” Jimmy scowled at him.
“No,” He huffed, somewhat offended by that comment, “I may be a little sensitive, but it’s not like I’m some horny teenager that’ll get off with the slightest touch!
Hey, us teenagers take off - nah you’re actually right.
I can last much longer than that!”
“We’ll see about that…” Nixon leered.
Nixon uses leer! It’s not that effective on the readers!
He placed his hands upon the president’s thighs and parted his legs, giving him better access to his cock. Jimmy didn’t really appreciate the lewd position he was in-he felt like a porn queen spreading for the camera-but he kept quiet. It wasn’t worth it to protest. The older man brushed his fingertips against the underside of his cock, making the younger man tremble.
“You sure you’re not gonna cum in my mouth?” Nixon pressed.
“I mean, we’ll see where the night takes us.”
“I’m most definitely sure!” Jimmy snapped. “Are you gonna suck it already, or not?”
For someone who was nervous about showing off his dick you’re being pretty forceful now.
“I am, I am,” Nixon assured him. “You know, you’re so cute when you’re being stubborn.” Jimmy rolled his eyes as the ex-president grasped his cock and began to stroke it slowly.
“This is a Deep Throat that I think we’ll both like.” He purred, hoping that the president would be amused by that terrible pun.
Ray do you understand the pun? I could easily google Deep Throat but I’d like to sleep tonight.
Yeah, Deep Throat was the informant who blew Nixon’s cover on Watergate, or something. Further research is out of the question though. I would also like to sleep tonight, and I refuse to put “Nixon Deep Throat” in my search history.
I agree with you on that last part and if you’re right Deep Throat is a very...imaginative name.
He wasn’t, as evidenced by the disinterested look on his face, but that was alright. Nixon was here to blow Jimmy, not to make him laugh.
That was probably why Nixon did horribly as President, he wasn’t a good multitasker during sex.
Pretty sure that was Clinton’s downfall too.
Abandoning all further attempts at humor,
Said the narrator that’s writing a story about Nixon giving Jimmy Carter a blowjob.
he lowered his mouth down onto the Democrat’s length, taking as much as he could without gagging. He sucked hard, hollowing his cheeks and swirling his tongue against the tip in a way that he knew would make the younger man squirm.
“Oh lord,” Jimmy moaned, “Oh, sweet lord, that’s good!” Nixon would have grinned smugly if his mouth hadn’t been full of cock.
I want that sentence framed and hung on my wall.
I’m sure it is somewhere in the White House.
It was immensely satisfying to know that with just a few licks and sucks and touches he had the power to send the president into such ecstasy. He glanced up at Jimmy as he sucked him off, drinking in the delicious sight of him dazed with desire. His cheeks were bright red, his soft lips were parted ever so slightly, there was an unmistakable look of lust in his beautiful hazel eyes-he was so aroused, so alluring.
Look—I’m sure this is sexy to someone. I’m sure that somebody, somewhere, is infinitely grateful that this story exists. But it ain’t me TheAnnoyingAlien. It just isn’t me.
Nixon almost couldn’t believe that with just a simple blowjob he had single-handedly reduced the nation’s leader to nothing but a horny, writhing, half-naked mess.
It’s not that hard to do as history has taught us.
It was strangely empowering, and it gave the Republican an odd sense of pride. Jimmy brought one of his trembling hands down to rest upon the back of the older man’s head as he sucked, digging his fingers into his dark hair while he covered his face with the other in a vain attempt to conceal his blushing. Nixon was absolutely taken by his bashfulness. He was so innocent, so modest, acting just like a jittery young virgin even though he wasn’t one. It was entrancing.
“Look at how flustered he is,” The older man thought to himself. “I wonder if I can get him even more hot and bothered…” Wanting to see just how much he could toy with the Democrat, Nixon let his cock slide out of his mouth with a wet pop and sucked one of his middle fingers, slicking it up in preparation for what he was about to do. Jimmy was going to ask why he’d stopped blowing him, when Nixon suddenly rammed his finger up his ass, making him yelp.
“What are you doing?!” He cried out.
“I’m sticking a finger in your ass?!” replied Nixon with equal levels of interrobang.
“Stop that right now!”
“Does it hurt?” The Republican asked him, ignoring his protests.
“Well… no…” Jimmy admitted. “It feels… different, but it doesn’t hurt. I thought that you and I agreed that we’d just suck each other off and be done with it, though. And I don’t want to wake up tomorrow morning with a sore ass!”
Well in a way you are a jackass.
“You won’t,” Nixon promised him, “One finger isn’t going to do that to you.
“Physically. Mentally on the other hand…”
Besides, it feels great if you have someone do this while they blow you.
The last person….not even the last person I’d thought would teach me about sex was Richard fucking Nixon.
Agnew always does this for me.” Upon hearing that, Jimmy shot him a confused look.
HE SAID AGNEW ALWAYS DOES THIS FOR HIM.
HE SAID AGNEW ALWAYS DOES THIS FOR HIM.
“Uh… never mind!”
Smooth cover up Nixon. If you’d handled Watergate that well, you might still be president to this day.
Nixon laughed awkwardly, mentally cursing at himself for letting that detail slip. “Here-let me show you something.” He drew his finger halfway out of the younger man and then, without warning, shoved it back deep inside of him, curling the tip a bit so that he would hit his prostate.
“Look, Nixon, I found it very uncomfortable when you stuck a finger in my—OH GOD YOU’RE PUTTING IT IN DEEPER. WHY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
“Jesus Christ!” Jimmy gasped,
I don’t think you want Jesus to get involved, you don’t want to know the weird shit he does with Hitler.
shuddering from the sudden jolt of pleasure. Nixon grinned smugly, making the president’s cheeks flush even more.
“Feels good, doesn’t it?” He smirked. The Democrat hesitated a moment, then nodded.
“Y-yes.” He replied breathily.
Ass play is an acquired taste. Except not a taste because that would be gross. Anyways, the point is that TheAnnoyingAlien is kinda flexing their artistic license here, which is a risky move, considering the vast majority of readers are probably looking for a reason to stop reading from the get-go. Fluff, can we stop reading?
I think we’ve exhausted all our “Get out of Jail Free” cards sadly.
“Can… can you do it again?” The older man flashed him a sly smile.
Aw man that’s the opposite of what I asked. Looks like you were right Fluff.
“I can do that as many times as you want, Carter.” He growled sexily.
Sexy growling makes me think of at least five other stories I would rather be reading. Come on TheAnnoyingAlien, it’s like you’re trying to lose us.
He went back to blowing the president, continuing to finger him as he did so. Jimmy groaned as the ex-president pleasured him, bringing him closer and closer to climax with each suck and thrust. He writhed under Nixon’s touch; never before had he felt such delight.
What about when he became president? Wouldn’t that be a pretty big moment?
What the Republican was doing to him was unexpected, but it was definitely not unwanted,
Speak for yourself.
and he no longer regretted his decision to spend the evening with him. Nixon was making him so horny, so overcome with wanton lust.
“Oh god, oh yes, oh lord, oh Dick!”
Alright that was actually kind of funny.
He cried, rocking his hips to get the most that he could out of the experience. “Give it to me!”
“Well alright, but you better not be mad when I do give it to you.”
Nixon jammed his finger into him one last, hard time, and that sent him over the edge. Before either of them could react, Jimmy came, filling the ex-president’s mouth with his warm seed. He inhaled sharply, realizing all too late what he’d done.
Exactly what somebody in his situation would do?
“Oh Christ… I’m so sorry about that…” He hastily apologized. Nixon didn’t say anything. He lifted his head from the president’s now soft cock and grabbed him roughly by the back of the neck before crushing their lips together in an aggressive open-mouth kiss.
The younger man’s eyes widened, and he tried to break away, but Nixon held him firmly in place, forcing him to taste his own seed. The Republican kept him locked in this unpleasant
Most accurate word in the entire story.
embrace for what felt like forever before finally allowing the two of them to part. A gross mixture of Jimmy’s seed and their shared saliva dripped down their chins, and the Democrat grimaced. He wiped his mouth off on his sleeve, disgusted by the literally seedy kiss.
“Did you really need to do that?” He
muttered, glaring at Nixon as the older man dragged his own sleeve across his lips.
“Yes,” He replied tersely, “I don’t swallow, Carter.”
“Well then go spit it out or something,” The president scoffed, “Don’t pass it to me! That’s nasty!”
“You nutting in my mouth is nasty!”
Said the president giving the blowjob.
Nixon shot back. “But I suppose that you can make it up to me...” The younger man watched as Nixon sat up and unzipped his pants, freeing his own hard cock from its confines. Jimmy’s face flushed once more, and he nodded, knowing what he had to do. He got down between Nixon’s legs and tentatively took the Republican’s cock into his mouth.
“That’s right, Carter,” Nixon smirked, reaching down to run his fingers through the president’s graying hair as he started to suck him off, “Suck Tricky Dick’s dick.”
Jimmy had read quite enough.
He closed the browser window and shook his head in dismay, unable to believe all the depraved smut fanfictions he had come across.
DEPLOY ADVANCED TABLE FLIPPING TACTICS ON MY MARK. MARK!
He’d known that they existed, yes, but he was in awe at the sheer amount of them. It seemed like every politician under the sun had some sort of lusty story to their name, courtesy of a bunch of dirty minded teenagers, and he was no exception.
“These young people and their porn, I swear to God,” He sighed. “This is the last time I look myself up on Ao3…”
Oh for fuck’s… Ao3 is Archive of Our Own. Fluff, care to tell us what Archive of Our Own is?
Sigh….Archive of our Own is like Fanfiction.net (where we usually get out supply of reviews) but this one has more mature and R-rated stories this one being a good example of that.
Well, at least this is the last chapter. So far. Team Fluffwights out!