Review #173

Fan Request: Rawcoli Anthology

Story by Rawcoli

Review by Hent




Alright comments section. What do you have for me?

 

 

Very well Shadhardblogger. Let the anthology begin!

Friends Forever

A story about the friend zone.

Gretchen kills Spinelli

 

Spinelli:I guess this is the end...for us,too.

Gretchen:Yeah,do you have any grief seeds?

Spinelli:no

What the hell have I agreed to? This is why I’m the only one that does fan requests.

Gretchen:You know what,let's become witches together,we can bring havoc and destruction to this miserable could just destroy,destroy,destroy and nothing would matter..in this miserable world.

Spinelli:humph

Gretchen:huh?

Hent: whaaaaaaaaaa?

Spinelli:I lied before.I had one left.

Gretchen:You can't..Why did you use it on me?

Spinelli:B-because I need you to do something since you can go back in time,right?Maybe you can stop me from becoming a magical girl and forming that s-stupid contract with Kyubey. Yeah,you could save me from being so dumb.

Gretchen:I will save you!No matter how many times I have to go back in time,I will protect you!

 

So based off of my extensive knowledge of anime, I know that this is a fanfiction of Puella Magi Madoka Magica. I however, have not actually seen the show and have no clue as to what is going on. On the other hand, I don’t think people that watched the show will get this either.

Spinelli:I'm glad

(Screaming due to soul gem's power)

And all of a sudden we’re playing Skyrim.

I n-need you to do one last thing for me.I don't want to become a witch,I want to protect others.I think this world is a-actually worth s-saving.I don't want to bring destruction to a world that is still worth saving.

Don’t worry, global warming is still a thing. You don’t have to do jack shit.

Gretchen:Ashley!No!

Spinelli:Gretchen,you finally called me by my first name.I'd only let you call me that.T-thank really were friends forever.

Roll credits.

Gretchen:(sobs)

Gretchen turns to her Puella Magi form,takes out her gun and shoots Spinelli's soul gem,killing her.

Gretchen:Friends Forever.

Gretchen has the order mixed up. You’re supposed to say-

Gretchen: Friends forever.

Gretchen holds up her gun and fires.

Cut to black.

Whow. That script writing class is getting to you.

I know! My writings so much better!

Writing’s.

...God dammit Yellow.

Tell me what you guys think!I may add a new chapter or sequel to this but will see!

We’re fine with the anime/manga. No need to continue.

Boy Meets Middle School

Chapter 1: Boy Meets Love

The story of a hooker.

This is the story of Steven and his pals through middle school.

Aaaa middle school. Good times. I sure hope we could start this three page story off with a massive info dump.

The school uniforms:Black jacket,red tie,white button shirt,red skirt,black flats or sandals(girls),Black jacket,red tie,white button shirt,black dress pants,black dress shoes(boys).

That can’t be all!

 

This story contains the following OC's

Maya Costella:Blondie,blue eyes

Possibly a Nazi.

Lucy Blue:Black hair,Blue eyes

Such creative naming.

Anna Costella:brown hair,Brown eyes

The most boring person alive.

Marie Juni:light brown hair,brown eyes

Coolest guy in school.

Alison McGana:Blondie,brown eyes

Eric Quincy:brunette,blue eyes

Joe Quincy:brunette,blue eyes

Or was he Eric? I can never tell.

Maddy and Addy Mocosena:Black hair,green eyes.

Because if we have a male set of twins, you bet your ass there's going to be a female ste.

Li Richard:Blondie,green eyes.

Forever made fun of their high.

*gems will be in later chapters

I’m not sure why you’re including rocks in your character list but ok.

Steven's POV

Who the fuck is Steven!?!? He’s not listed in the character list!

"Connie!Connie!Where are you?!",I shouted.

There’s no Connie either!!!

I was getting frustrated,she ran away crying because Maya Costella called her out and humiliated her by showing everyone a picture from the fourth was a picture of younger Connie with braces,a purple dress and green has long blond curly hair and blue eyes and she was wearing the school uniform,she wears a pink bow on her spoiled brat always got what she wanted,and it made me never got detention,or bad grades(she hacks into the school system from home and changes her grades,yet she never got caught).

The seven lines above is one sentence. Everyone take a deep breath, compose yourself, and then continue on.

Pete Jetkin hacked into the system to change her grades back,but he got caught and even though he explained to the principal and the CSA,they threw him in juvie with a 2 year sentence and he got expelled.

You do know that a juvenile detention center is just a place where they wait for their court hearings and/or placement in long-term care facilities IE Jail?

Maya bullies Connie everyday,and I hate her,along with a bunch of kids,and we formed an after school club called "Maya Die Time" to do what ever we can to take her meet every Monday and Friday at 4 and come up with pranks and stuff to make Maya sister Anna gets bullied by her,and she's in our club.

And then one day Connie brought a gun and ended up in a morgue alongside all of your friends.

I am now on a watch list and my chances of running for president are wrecked.

 

You guys missed out.

I finally found Connie by the fountain,her face red and stained with tears.I sat next to her and comforted her.

 

"Why do you hang out with me,Steven?",She asked.

"Because you are my girlfriend,and I love you,and you don't deserve to be treated the way you are!I'm so sick of you being bullied by that-that-!"

"Steven,language."

Use more of it rather than fifth grade grammar.

"She-Devil!",I screamed,so loud that some people started to look,thinking I was talking to Connie.

"Steven,people are starting to stare.",She said, began to start blushing.

"Oh!Sorry!",I began to start blushing hard as were both embarrassed,we got up and left to return to class.

 

This is the best scene I have ever seen. So much was accomplished. You deserve a gold star.

 

~*Back in the Classroom*~

"Hey!You guys!You gotta be quiet!GUYS!",Anna Costella,younger sister of Maya,yelled trying to calm the class teacher, ,was "absent" that day and the class was a freak caused it,as when she was about to lose it,Lucy Blue uses a piece of chalk to make a screech on the chalkboard,causing the class to calm down.

"Hey,when someone tells you to be quiet,then be quiet,and Maya,open your big mouth in the desert,where no one can hear you.",Everyone laughed at Maya,and she blushed and ran out of the room.

Connie and I were in the hallway,gazing deeply into each other's eyes.

"Heh,well,thanks,for checking on me and stuff.",Connie said,blushing.

"Yeah,no problem.I-I was just doing a favor for my girlfriend.",I said blushing as

We were gazing at each inches apart,until suddenly I felt Connie's soft glossy lips on mine.

 

 

It was five minutes of standing in the hall,kissing,and after about ten minutes,we finally broke.

Oh shit, here comes the gun.

'Wow!This was our was our first kiss!',Connie thought

'Wow,this is the best day ever!',I thought.

As we both walked back into the hysterical class room,we both had happy facial expressions.

I believe in human terms they are called smiles.

Day:1

Plan:1 of 6

Status:Complete

Operation:Revenge is a go.

Oh good. Step one was concerning a girl. Good to see that our protagonist sees women as objects to be obtained.

Done at last with chapter one.

Steven and the others have a six part plan to take down Maya Costella for good!Will they succeed?

Found out in Boy Meets Middle School!

Good to see that this entire story is driven by a bully. I know that bullying is an actual problem but the way this story is going, this “plan” of theirs is just going to escalate things.

Chapter 2:Boy Meets Low

Chapter 2:Too Far

Chapter 2: If your going to put in a chapter name, don’t also include a different chapter name in the chapter.

~*Friday*~

Li's POV

Chapter 2: None of this will pertain to chapter 1.

"Come on,guys!Teacher left me in charge for the period and it's time to play a game!",Li said.

The students go curious.

….ot. That is all.

"Like what?",one of the students,Luke,asked.

"How about 'Truth or Dare'?"

The class were willing to play the game,others not so much.

Why are there strangers in this classroom?

A shy girl named Alison raised her hand."Um,are you sure we should,um,play?"

Lots of students agreed with Alison,

Agreed with what? She was indecisive!

so Li came up with a solution:All the kids who wanted to play,stay in the class,into the hall were six kids who wanted to ,who just returned from her little demonic tantrum,went first.

 

"Marie,truth or dare?"

"Truth."

Bitching out on the first go? I see how it is.

"Tell us who you like.",Maya asked now looking at Marie,who was wildly blushing.

"Uh,I-I,uh,h-have a c-crush o-on,o-o-on,Kyle!",Marie said nervously.

"WHAT?!",Everyone,including Kyle,yelled.

A gasp would have been sufficient but sure, whatever. Yell so the adjacent class can hear you. You know, that class that’s actually studying?  

"M-me?",Kyle asked,embarrassed.

"Yeah,it's true",she confessed "Since kindergarten,I draw pictures of you,l write songs about you,even cried at every thought of you killing me,breaking my heart,or even betraying my 're a really nice guy and I wish that one day we can be together."

"Awwwwwwwwwwwww",everyone said.

That is in no way awwwwwwwwww able! What was that shit about Kyle killing you?

"Yes,sweet,but you are forgetting one thing:Kyle is mine!",As she said that,Maya jumped on Kyle and gave him a huge smooch right in front of felt her eyes swell up and she ran out crying.

 

"Marie!Wait!Come back!",Connie screamed as she chased after her,Steven and Anna chasing, rest of the kids glared angrily at Maya,for brutally embarrassing Marie in front of everyone.

Admitting your love wasn’t embarrassing. Kissing your boyfriend however...

"You know,that was real low,even for you,Maya,and for the record,we were never going to be an item,and if you think we are an item,then consider yourself dumped.",Kyle sternly said,as he ran towards to where the other two were looking for was mad as well,they ignored her,teased her,and even harassed 'd go online and find out someone hacked her account and replaced her profile photo with a picture of Kyle naked,and her name was changed to Kyle's was very upset.

Slow up for a sec.

Once they found Marie,Kyle agreed to date her and the item Kylie was the word that was out,they became more open about it and expressed their was even more jealous of them than she was of had a major crush on Steven in the fourth grade,and now,three years later,he was with her.At the sight of seeing them and every other couple made her sick.

~*Lunch Time*~

Wow. Lunch time was three years latter. I have no joke for that, as its stupidity is capable of standing alone.

They were at the picnic tables for was sunny and no clouds were principal thought it would be great to eat outside for each went to subway

Man it sure is a great day out!...Everyone! Go into the underground tunnel where the hobos and the trains are!

that morning and that's what they're having and Eric is telling Steven,Connie,Marie,Kyle,Li,Maddy,and Addy,and Anna jokes,Lucy,and Alison were planning a the way across the lot was Maya,sitting at the table,crying,while going on her phone,looking up pictures of had been like this for weeks.

See? Now you’re the bully. Escalation at its finest.

Maya's POV

All of the kids say the same thing.'She deserves to die''What a bitch!''That horse's ass.''Good ol' fisher,always fishing for compliments.'I ignore them all,but they always get to them happy always made me sick,I want them to 're all gonna pay!

Sorry. This is where I should have made a school shooting joke. My bad.

Steven Universe,Connie Patel,Marie Juni,The Stupid Quincys,The Creepy Mocosenas,Lucy Blue,My Stupid ass sister Anna!All of those Asses are going to pay Damnit!I knowexactly how I'm gonna get back at 'em!Those bitches won't even see it coming…

Finally! 13 pages in and I finaly know what this is a fanfic of.

 

Steven Universe…

 

My thoughts were interrupted by the was over and it was time for home were learning about his "absence"(he broke his leg so he could get the next few weeks off,douche..).

I’m sorry. What! 

~*LATER*~

No no no! You don’t get to cut away for that. Explain yourself! What the fuck was that shit about breaking your own leg?

'Ah,Damnit!How the hell did I forget my dance fee at home!God,can't I do anything right without forgetting stuff?',I was 3:50,and school finally let out for the weekend.I still can't believe I left the dance money at home!

Does Patrick Swayze go to your school by any chance?  

'Maybe if I ran home and brought back the money,it still would be on time!Then again,the dance isn't until the Friday after next week,so I might still have a chance ,the deadline's Monday.I have plenty of time.'

"Hey!Maya!"

This pointless scene, brought to you by Fukitol. Fukitol, because seriously fuck all of this.

I turned around to see where the voice of mystery was coming from,and it was none other than...

'Oh crap,it's Eric.'

Oh no! Not Eric! Who the fuck is Eric?

Like hell if I know!

Then what good are you!

I make a wicked french vanilla cappuccino.

...you have proven your worth.

"Hiiiiii Eric!",I said,pretending to seem acted like he was in a happy,cheery,peppy mood as always.

"Hey,well,I was wondering if you'd would..."

'Oh No!Please don't ask me to...!'

"...be my date to the dance?",he asked,giving me a little red ,how I really,really wanted to turn him down but,after the whole "Marie" incident,I think this is the best I'm gonna get.

Wow. Standards are at an all time low. It’s not like you have to go to a dance. Hell, I spent my senior prom night writing a review.

"Sure,I'd love to.",I replied sweetly.

"Sweet!Would you like to come with Steven,Connie and me to see Roses are Red,too?It's Tomorrow night at eight!"

What do I have to loose?

Social status, sanity, morals, the list is actually quite long.

"Yeah,sure."

"Sweet!Bring tissues!",He said has he ran off,skipping away like a five-year-old.

"Tomorrow is going to be one long day.",I said has I started to head home.

Bye!

End story. About time. Next one up is...

A Brute

Fuck yeah! Time for some Halo fanfiction.

A poem by Pearl,about Sugilite.

Never mind. I’ll take my happiness elsewhere.

Such a brute

With a bad attitude

Mean and carefree

Her motto'I only care for me!'.

Oh thank god. There’s no rhyme scheme.

Needs anger management

I would say

Needs it now

Take it all night and day

She does any thing to resort

To violence,with all extent

At me,she'd never glance

In fact,she almost killed me

She had the chance..

You know for a poem, this is the exact same as your stories. Let's see how the rest of this looks in a paragraph.

But underneath that sweaty beast A nice girl is trapped underneath A carnivore only eats meat But it's me Sugilite wants to Beat. That nice little girl Trapped in her Deserves to be free In the outside world Running around in glee. But instead,all hope dies out. For that little girl is never getting out.

Yup. Exactly the same.

Next up on the list is...

My Angel

Part 1: About Me

Reasonable place to start.

Welcome to my new before you read,know that this OC of mine is part angel,demon,and other species including is over 96,000,000 years old.

Learn more about her here.

Lets Read!

 

 

I...it can’t be. How does it get even worse! What is this!


I open my eyes.

All I see is a white campus,not much worth looking at.

I then proceeded to make a story about it and ended up here.

Then there,in the distance,I see a door,a small,rectangular , I decided to enter.

That is where I see a sign that says "Welcome to Beach City".

Beach episode 2 is a go!

[Editor's Note: I thought you would never ask!]

 

"Well dad,where are those gems?"

My journey begins now.

Oh goody. We’re still doing shit with Steven Universe.

Hi,this chapter was actually meant to be an introduction,so it's not meant to be long.

80 words to be exact. 100% of which introduced nothing.

this introduces my long living multiple species hybrid,Serena June Summers.

 

can't wait to meet her?she's very nice.

Based off of what I have seen so far, this is a blatant lie.

Part 2: Meet the Gems

I just thought of something extra to include in my story.

Enjoy!

 

Serena POV

Okay,I've been wandering this place and i'm just thinking to myself 'wow this is like the best city ever!' because you barely see any crime in here!Plus,the arcade here is awesome!

Just because you don’t see it, doesn't mean it isn’t there.

Quoting Small Soldiers? My how far we’ve fallen.  

Just when I think nothing can go wrong...

..a giant laser shooting eyeball pops right out of the ocean.

'Really?REALLY?Right when I'm about to drink my slushie and eat my chocolate funnel cake!'

That fiend! It should have waited for you to finish before going on it’s world destroying rampage!

I take out my gold swords and jump up into the air

Spilling the all important slush and funnel cake as I did.

close enough to strike it right in the cornea,causing it to it exploded,a small,glowing blueish gem floated down onto my hand.I stared at it for a while until a red lady with a big cubed black afro and shades in a bodysuit taps my shoulder.

"Excuse me,"she says"can I have that gem from you?It's-"

I haven't seen the show… but I have seen Power Rangers. They’re the same thing right?

"'Very dangerous and you and your gem buddies need to bubble it'.I know,in fact,I need to talk to you guys in your home."

As I gave her the gem,she instructed her fellow gem buddies to follow her into the we entered,she had me sit.

I’m just going to pretend that made sense and hint at the Editor to keep up the beach episode.

[Editor's Note: For the last time Hent, I don’t know Morse Code. Stop winking at me.]

"So who are you and how did you beat that thing?",The purple one said.

"Okay,My name is Serena June Summers.I am about 96,000 years old,but technically immortal.

Because why the fuck not?

I was born to God and powers are controlling the elements:water,fire,earth and air,I have superhuman abilities being an angel-demon hybrid,and I was able to kill that thing by jumping into the air and killing it with my golden swords."

"Wow!That sounds cool!",Steven said.

"Ok,prove it!Show us an ability!",Amethyst said.

"Very well",I said.

 

Then I summoned my wings and flew outside,the others saw me in awe as i made a sword out of the ocean,an arrow out of the sand,a heart out of fire,and a tiny tornado out of the wind.I even turned into a demon and created an interdimensional portal to a candy world.I showed them superspeed,superhuman agility,superhuman healing,and then we went inside and I gave them each a present.

Please let it be the end. Please let it be the end. Please let it be the end. Please let it be the end.

I gave

This is what happens when I get my hopes up.

 

Garnet a red glass that allows you to be incredibly strong,I gave Amethyst an unlimited supply of donuts,I gave Pearl a seed that grows an indestructible crystal sword,and I gave Steven an amulet that gives him lots of special powers.

Unfortunately,I had to go.

"See you guys tomorrow!",After we exchanged our goodbyes,I opened up the portal to even with my necklace,and I left into my room in heaven.

I hope you enjoyed the chapters on the way!

I honestly did.

Part 3: Fuck This

No literally, that's what it’s called.

 

Hey everyone! I'm gonna lay it straight: this story is a waste of time that she be burned at a stake. I'll be honest, I'm very mad at myself for writing this. I wrote this when I was still 12. *face palm*

It’s safe to say that your writing hasn’t improved since.

Please, reviewers, you know you've seen crappier stories on this site.

Well that is true.

I know you have. I read their reviews to. I admit it's not their best work,

Sadly this isn’t your worst work.

 but you gotta give them time to improve.

Which they never do. I have read the rest of your content. I know what you have done.

If you just give them the time they need and stop bringing them down, they maybe the will get a beta reader, or just learn to improve.

It’s called a critique. It’s a detailed analysis / assessment of your work. We make these critiques so you know exactly why it sucked and how to improve it. My suggestion, take a high school english class.

This however, is not a critique. It is satire.

That's what I did. Even past the insults. So what I'm trying to say is, please give the writers a chance.

Wait… was there a coauthor to this?

If they can't do something, you can help them, not make them quit. Please, I know you will do the right thing.

Belittle them with satire for the enjoyment of the masses? Will do!

 

But in all seriousness, if you want to be a content creator, you need to have a target audience. Once you have an idea of who you’re going to target, then you create the content for that audience. Your audience is fanfiction writers for...whatever this was a fanfic of. Regardless of what it is, your audience is going to be really small. There’s no way to change that unless you write something so bad it becomes an internet meme… or some commenter in your form messages you 18 times to read it.

I’m looking at you Shadhardblogger

I’m currently in an art college. Every week I have to stand in front of my class with my project, while they tell me what looked good and what didn’t. As they make their little comments or jokes, I write them all down. Then for the next project, I go over those notes and change my work. If they say Green and Blue don’t look good next to each other, then I try something else. It’s all about trial and error mixed with adapting to your audience.

We are a “company” of five guys who make fun of shit on the internet. Our audience are the people how also make fun of fanfiction or just need a good laugh. We also have plans to expand our audience by making videos, releasing content on a weekly schedule, and we’ve even discussed making shorts, podcasts, and an entire animated series. Since our audience is a much wider pool of people, we don’t have those people that belittle us (yet).

“Audience and viewer count are two separate things.”

But once we get those people that belittle us, we can then adapt. Improve on what is broken and by doing so, make better content.

Wow. Way to make this speech about us and not the writer.

Shut up Yellow. Also fuck you Shadhardblogger, Gem Tune Saga will have to wait for another review.

Here it is, your moment of zen.