Review #172

Dragon's Breath

Story by Sorahuranu

Review by Ray




The protagonist's name is Sorrow. Sorrow is a dragonkin. His pronouns include he, him, OC, and Gary Stu. Sorrow is triggered by well-developed characters and spell check, so please, don't expect either for the remainder of this review.


Prologue 1: Dragon’s Breath

Oh, did I mention that this story opens with not one, but two prologues? Ladies and gentlemen, we are in the presence of genius.

As Sorrow morphed he could he the screaming of Ally as she screamed for help.

Ladies and gentlemen, evacuate to TastyBeej.info, because I swear to Fanfic Christ I’m about to start deleting retribution.fm files at random. Not all of the files; just all of them that contain the words necessary to recreate the above sentence.

 

  1. Sorrow? Really? That’s the subtle name that Sorahuranu has chosen for his OC?
  2. Yo dawg, we heard Ally likes to scream, so we put Ally screaming in Ally screaming so she can scream while she screams
  3. Morphing. I don’t know what Sorrow is morphing into, but I’m going to assume it’s a vampire and get pissed off in advance

"No one is going to help you." said her captor. "How do you know?"

Asked Ally in the same fucking paragraph as her captor.

asked Ally in a shaky and raspy voice. "Because, you are the last living Dragon." Her eyes widened as he said that. "What happened to Sorrow?" she exclaimed. "Tell me!" Her captor laughed and said "Sorrow? Hmm...well, I killed him."

Believable dialogue/10

Outside the building, the captor's followers were thrown into the walls of the dark building.

 

That tells us nothing! If anyone can explain what the fuck is going on at this point in the story, then please, email me at ray@retribution.fm so we can figure this out.

You’re way too excited about having a new website.

 

Can you blame me? So many thousands of lines of code. So worth it.

 

I ain’t even mad. Since we moved, I’ve spent 99% of my time on Hent’s hidden porno page.

Wait, what—

Gotta go, bye!

 

One ran into the building as the heat from the fire

What fire!

scorched his back. "S-sir..the...blue dragon...is here..." He fell flat on his face, unconcious.

What blue dragon!

Fire now sorrounded the building.

What building!

"Where is he?!"

Who?!

exclaimed the captor.

WHO. THE. FUCK. IS. ANYBODY.

A few seconds later, glowing red eyes appeared in the smoke in the doorway. "Right here."

 

Well that explains fucking everything. Let’s continue to prologue 2. Sorahuranu didn’t actually call it prologue 2, but let’s be real, that’s exactly what it is.

Prologue 2: Foretelling

Five hundred years ago prophecies foretold of a guy being born of blue dragon blood.

I like to think the prophets literally said it like that. “500 years from now, a guy will be born of blue dragon blood or something. So, you know, watch out for that.”

He would be as powerful as a god. He would be the one to restore the race of the dragons.

Restore the race of the dragons? doesn’t that imply…

 

I’m sure I’m reading way too deeply into this, but doesn’t that kind of make it sound like he wants to fuck a dragon?

 

Hell, go for it dude, that’s rock and roll as fuck.

But...he wasn't born when he was supposed to be.

Chapter 1

A boy with blue hair was born in 1995.

AND ALL THE OTAKU REJOICED.

It was unusual for that to happen. The blue hair part.

 

I’m going to hope that was a joke and give Sorahuranu some props for it. Props, Sorahuranu.

When he was 7 he met a 14 year old girl. She had shoulder length red hair, and, to him, the most beautiful brown eyes. The would always hang out. But one day she dissappeared. She told him she needed to find a certain someone. Then there he was all alone again.

Well that was random.

You see, his mom was an only child and died during child birth. He had no dad, so he was a miracle child.

 

“Oh by the way, he was also the messiah. But mostly people cared about the blue hair thing!”

And his grandparents, they died before he was born. Now 10 years have passed since he was left alone. He now has messy, but somewhat neat, shoulder length blue hair, and goes to a school called Drano High School.

Words fail me. To describe how little I care. About his education and hairstyle.

He just started his senior year. He's a little on the chubby side, but it isn't really noticable. He wears skull shirts, black jeans, Rebocks, and a blue hoodie.

Oh my god we get it Sorahuranu this is who you want to be please move on.

So, he is always picked on, but he just ignores it. He tries not to let it get to him. But one day, one kid did the absolute worst thing. He stole his necklace, with a ring on it, right off his neck.

 

Did Sorahuranu’s OC just become Frodo? I am very confused.

"Haha, what is little Sorrow going to do?" asked the bully. The blue haird boy, Sorrow,

gasp dats the name of the person in the beginning no way

balled up his fists, his eyes a tint of red. "Sorrow is getting angry!" said the laughing bully.

 

Dude! His eyes are literally glowing with Gary Stu power! If you don’t leave right this second, anything that happens next is on you.

Last thing the bully said to Sorrow, because Sorrow punched the bully in the jaw so hard, it dislocated. "A...very close friend gave me this."  Sorrow picked up the necklace and left the school, already knowing he would get suspended.


Sorrow sat on a swing set in the park, looking at the ring. "Ally..."

gasp dats the name of the other person in the beginning it all makes sense now


2002.

 

Sorrow tackled a 14 year old girl to the ground. She had shoulder length red hair. "You're my best friend Ally." He giggled and laid his head on her chest. "Don't ever leave me alone. Please." stated the 7 year old Sorrow.

Hmm, maybe a haiku can express how little I care right now. Ahem.

I literally

Do not give a single fuck

‘Bout these characters


Ally sighed. "Sorrow...I have to...I have to look for someone..." Tears filled Sorrows eyes. "You'll be back though...right?" He hugged her tight, crying his eyes out. That was the last time they saw eachother. Sorrow hasn't hung out with another girl since then.

Oh, hold on please

I think you misunderstood

I really don’t care

He put the necklace back around his neck and watched the sunset. "I'm still here..." He laid in the grass, covered up with his hoodie and fell asleep.

The next few weeks went like that. Get bullied. Go to the park. Watch the sunset. Sleep there.

This last Haiku will—

Wait. He broke somebody’s jaw and he hasn’t been expelled?

 

Suck it zero tolerance!

Chapter 2

Half way into the school year Sorrow became irritant of all the bullies. They were picking on him way too much. They all wanted to see how far they could push him.

WELL LET’S SEE, ONE OF YOU PUSHED HIM TO BREAK YOUR FUCKING JAW. SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GAME TO ME.

 

One day 5 bullies pinned him in the hallway. "What do you want Derek?" Derek was a big kid. He had neck length brown hair,

i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care

and black eyes. He is the leader of the "Mutants".  The "Mutants" are the bullies that run the school.

Hey I noticed that there were two spaces between those last two sentences, but actually, you just need one space between sentences. That’s the only thing wrong with the above section okay bye.

 

They don't care about the rules.

I can empathize with half of that statement.


"To show you what happens when you don't pay to walk the halls." said Derek. "No Derek, no. Please, I'll pay you." said Sorrow sarcastically. "Then pay. It's 10 dollars." "Gosh, you really are stupid. I pity you."

 

“Are you retarded? I mean I know you're dumb, but this is an entirely new shade of stupid coming out of you right now”

—Literally one of Ray’s characters addressing a bully

Well yeah, but that was different, because…

 

Shut up Yellow.

Derek went to punch Sorrow, but Sorrow ducked in time, and Derek punched the wall.

Damn, Derek was super dedicated to that punch. It begs the question: aside from being a weeaboo Gary Stu, what has Sorrow done to piss these people off so much?

"Slow much?" asked Sorrow.

The 4 other "Mutants" charged Sorrow, but one slipped, and slid to Sorrow. "Well..." Sorrow dove and rolled to the right, dodging the charge from 1 of them, but he got trucked and pinned by the other 2. "Hey, I am sorry. It was instinct." said Sorrow. "So is this." replied Derek.

 

I like that they have time for witty banter during this fight. Well done Sorahuranu, very good.

Derek punched Sorrow in the stomach over, and over, and over. By the time Derek was done, blood was trickling down Sorrow's chin from his mouth.

But I thought he was getting punched in the stomach?

Sorrow opened his mouth, as to speak, and his teeth started to sharpen a little.

Nope, I can’t even. Tag out!

   

In a low growl Sorrow said "Leave...me alone...or die..." "Yea right." Derek went to punch him again, and sorrow through the 2 guys holding him, at Derek. "Ow...where did that come from?"

 

Derek and his followers left when they saw Sorrow's red eyes.

Yes! Smartest people in the story, right here!

As soon as they were out of sight, Sorrow fainted.

 

When Sorrow came to, he was in the nurse's office. "Are you ok?" asked the blonde nurse.

*Sexy blonde nurse with big boobs and a low cut uniform

You have learned much.

Thank you, sensei.

"I think so...my head doesn't hurt...Wait! What happened!?" "You passed out in the hallway." Sorrow sat up and sighed. "I need to get to class."

 

What class. In high school. Is that important?

He got up and started walking to class. "Last thing I remember is being punched." Not watching where he was going, he bumped into a girl that looked like she was a new freshman.

 

"Sorry..." said Sorrow in a low, upset voice. "It's ok. What's wrong?" asked the girl. "Nothing." He waslked to class, out of eye sight.

The girl walked to an abandoned house.

It had holes in the roof, broken windows, and it had vines growing all over the outside.

"I liked this house, and so did he." She walked into a bedroom and flopped down on the bed, dust flew into the air, and she sneezed a high pitched, cute sneeze.

 

"I don't feel good." said the 6 year old Sorrow as he laid in bed in the white room.

Hey Ray! What am I reading!

I don’t know! Deal with it!

Okay, will do! Thanks for all of the help!

 

Jackass.

"Aww...I'll take care of you." said Ally. Sorrow laid his head in Ally's lap and closed his eyes, covered up, but shivered. "Feel better soon." said Ally as she kissed his forehead. "Thanks...for always being...here..." Sorrow dozed off. In his sleep he hugged her tight and she blushed.

That should probably be cute, but I’ve spent my entire existence is these reviews, which has destroyed my ability to trust anything innocent. I’m watching you Sorrow.

Chapter 3

It was pitchback and the wind was blowing gently, as Sorrow walked into the abandoned house. The girl's ears twitched as Sorrow walked through the house.

What? Why the twitching? Is she a cat?

 

Hey Ray! Are you making me review more of your self-insert furry porn?

No, but if you’d like to, there’s still one that was so dumb I never even released it. It’s called Brotherly Love, and it was about—

 

One headache at a time.

"Is that..." She quickly got up and ran to the steps. "Blue!?"

 

Now that we’ve proven the characters know their colors, can we move on to why I’m reading this?

Sorrow stood still at the front door, looking up at her. "Red?" The girl nodded and jumped off the steps into Sorrow's embrace. "Where have you been?" asked Sorrow, when something clicked inside his head. "Why are you still 14?" Ally giggle.

Not even going to conjugate that? It wouldn’t be a difficult problem to solve, trust me; I’ve already worked it out in my head and it’s actually pretty simple. All you need is…

 

Get the fuck out of my review.

To Hent’s porno page!

 

"I'll tell you later." She rested her head on his chest, still hugging him.

"Umm...Red?" stated Sorrow, "Why are you-"  "Listening to your heart beat.

“Well I was going to ask a pretty important question, but I guess we could just say cliches to each other instead.”

I've missed you, now, you're the one holding me." Sorrow then realized he was still embracing her. "I guess...I am."

"Blue do you believe in Dragons?" "Hmm...I believe they lived in medievil times, but now."

Huh. That is by far the dumbest answer Blue could have given, and let me explain why in all italics: that answer means he’s legitimately thought about this before.

"Why is that?" "No place to hide." Immediatly Sorrow knew that was the wrong thing to say. She stopped hugging him and looked into his eyes. "Dragons...they take the shape of humans...sometimes...Dragons are both human and dragons."

 

She could see a blue dragon in his eyes, raining down fire on villages. It was right than when she realized who Sorrow was on the inside.

He was the Blue Dragon.