Review #17

Hans Von Hozel Anthology

Story by Hans Von Hozel

Review by Ray




This man is either a genius able to manipulate the rules of English to his will, or an idiot incapable of using them in the first place. Either way, his work deserves to be read. This is a collection of Hans Von Hozel's short stories.


Thomas the Tank Engine

One day Thomas made a wheeling from the station.

One thing you’ll notice quite quickly is that Hans likes to use words in whatever way he sees fit. So while to you and me wheel is a noun, he has the genius to realize what an incredible verb it would make.

“Of many a station wheeling!” say Thomas, but suddenly, people everywhere made a going to the station.

Probably to congratulate Thomas on a station wheeling goodly.

“We must destory all trains now!” shout people, “As no more coal trains, must electric be!”

I’d be more willing to sympathize with this if the trains didn’t, I don’t know, talk.

Electric Train made a going into the station.

“I am many electrics,” say Electric Train, “And you are obselete!”

Well I am many grammars and you are retribute.

And with that, Electric Train shot a lightning bolt of electrics at Thomas, and Thomas made blown up!

The end. No, really, that’s where Hans decided the ideal place to end was. I’ll admit that it does wrap everything up, it’s just a bit abrupt.

Chocolate Factory

There were many chocolates to danube the factory.

Introducing danube, the greatest word of all time. What does it mean? How is it used? Where does it come from? Only Hans Von Hozel will know for sure, but that doesn’t stop us from basking in its greatness.

Charlie looked around, Wonka didn’t know he was there..

"Much Chocolate!" shout Charlie, jumping up and down.

Charlie got a bag and stole all the chocoalte.

So is this during the tour? And did he bring the bag in with him?

Suddenly, Wonka came in and no chocolates for factory.

He stole every last bit of chocolate? Damn, that must be one massive bag.

"No choclates!" scream Wonka, "But why?!"

And Wonka Chocolate Factory became bankrupt and was bulldozered down.

Charlie buyed the rights to plot of land and used the chocolate he had stolen to make his own factory and he got millions of cash.

The moral of the story is do whatever the hell you want, it’s all the same in the end.

Cinderella

Cinderella wanted to go to ball, but her sisters made a going instead!

Suddenly, her fairy godmother made an appearance.

"I AM FULL OF MAGIC!" said the fairy,

That’s not all she’s full of.

"TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!"

"I am no happy!" shout Cinderella, "I am make a sadly!"

Calm your tits for like, five minutes. I’m guessing the fairy didn’t show up just to mock you.

Cinderella was annoyed at fairy and took her magics!

Can… can she do that?

"My Magics!" said the fairy, who could no fly without her magics,

Well I guess that’s a yes.

and she fell into a pan and Cinderella cooked her.

"NOW I CAN CONSUME THE REST OF THE MAGICS!" shout Cinderella as she eat the fairy.

Covenants

I think Hans meant the Covenant from Halo, but there’s really nothing to confirm or deny it.

All the Covenants wanted to use on their powers.

"When we use our powers!" say the Covenants, "It makes a drugs!"

If it’s Fukitol, I need to get myself a Covenant.

And so the Covenants used their powers.

They made a happy danube in the sky.

Danube in the sky with diamonds?

The people saw the Covenants happy powers,

Yup, definitely Fukitol.

and wanted to make a using of these.

"WE WANT YOUR POWERS ALSO!" say the people, and they go Covenant hunting!

The Covenants hide in a castle, but the people knocked down the roof and a splat.

"Oh no!" say the people, "We have crush Covenants and now not powers for us!!!!"

Well what did they think would happen when they knocked down the fucking roof?

The people made a sadly.

They had destroyed all powers.

Danube to America

The Englands were tired of a get bomb!

"Is badly to make a recieving bomb!" say the Englands.

Suddenly, a light bulb over The Englands and an idea!

Was the idea to start writing the story in coherent English?

All the boats attached to England and started to drive away.

The island floated up the sea.

That’s probably how it works.

"YAY!" say The Englands as it danubed to America.

America made a happily as Englands turned to a state.

I knew England would come crawling back.

Danube to the Island

One day, the Calender made 4th July.

"Many of 4th Julis!!!!!!" shout Calender, and the Calender danube at America.

Danube to the island, danube to America, danube to the everywheres!

"Wake up America!" say Calender, "Is a celebrations for you!"

I do enjoy that the calendar can just pull a holiday out of its ass and everyone is happy about it.

America made a happy danube at this news and celebrated of it’s independence.

Fireworks made their bang over America.

Across the sea, The Englands were a spy on America.

I thought England was already a part of America…

"I want to own America!!!!!" shout The Englands, as it made its binoculars and on America spying.

I know this is a big assumption, but if England and America are where they’re supposed to be then I don’t think they can see each other with binoculars.

"Englands don’t make a spy at me!" shout America,

“How do you knowing unless you’re have spies at me?” Englands makes shouts back.

"Is no good to make a spying!"

"I will make spying on you as I please!!!!!" made a shouting Englands!

Are England and America personified, or is every single person in each country speaking in unison?

Suddenly, The Englands put Big Ben in the sky.

"I SHALL MAKE YOUR TRANSFORMATIONS LONDON!!!!" boom Big Ben, and Big Ben makes a summon of the thunder lightening.

But the transformations of clock had no effect!

"TICK TOCK!" made a shouting Big Ben, as the thunder lighening backfired and Big Ben made a falling on The Englands.

"MY CLOCK!!!!" shout The Englands,

That was one extra letter away from being a whole lot worse.

"IT TOOK ME A TIME TO MAKE CLOCK!!!!!

That almost sounds like it’s supposed to be philosophical.

AND THAT TIME WHICH CANNOT BE REVERSED YOU SHALL MAKE A NEW CLOCK FOR ME NOW AMERICA!"

But America did no want make clock.

Yeah, we’re too busy making guns and bad decisions.

"I shall disconnect you from ground, AND YOU SHALL MAKE FLOATS OF SEA!" shout America, and it disconnect The Englands from the ground.

That seems to happen to England a lot.

"Of a disconnectings GROUND?" ask The Englands.

"Many of floatings Ocean for you Englands!" shout America, as The Englands made floatings away.

"OH NO!!!!!!!!" shout The Englands as it fell over the waterfall.

Does Hans think the world is flat?

Drawn to Life

One day, many people go to the giant Nintendo DS and insert the big game cartige.

What, you’ve never been to the giant DS?

Drawn to Life flashed on the screen.

People everywhere made drawings on the screen,

People everywhere, meaning even those currently in orbit are drawing on this DS.

and they came to life inside the DS.

Some people made a rude drawings on the DS, and the rude drawings danubed around as people laugh at them.

The drawings were offended!!!!

I’d be offended too if people were danubin’ all over the place.

And so, all drawings danubed out the screen.

"What are you doing?" ask people, as the drawings to danube out the screen.

"We have came with rubbers,

so we can erase humanity!" shout drawings, as they use their rubbers and a rub out.

April Fools

Pikachu wanted to create a fooling of the Aprils.

Believe it or not, I don’t think English is Hans’ first language. I didn’t mean to blow your mind like that, it’s just my theory. Though his name would suggest German or something similar, the way everything is worded gives me the impression of Spanish or Italian. And I think it would be interesting to see something written in his mother language, to find out if it makes any more sense or if this is just how Hans danube.

So Pikachu hide in a Pokeball.

Pikachu went in a pokeball. I don’t remember too many details of the show, but I remember that Pikachu told pokeballs to go fuck themselves.

Ash made a walk past.

"APRIL FOLS!" shout Pikachu and he jump out of Pokeball.

Oh, and he’s also speaking English, lovely.

"Ah!" scream Ash, and he fell back and made a falling out of the window and into many dumpsters.

Think about this for a second; he didn’t just fall into one dumpster, he fell into many.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!" made a laughing of Pikachu!

"Is not a funny Arpil Foolings!" shout Ash, as he tried to away from the dumpster, but suddenly, a Garbage Truck made its way across the road.

"Many garbage are to collect!" say Garbageman!

Does the garbageman just say that at every stop?

The Garbage Truck picked up the dumpster and put Ash in the trash.

"Much of trashings Ash!" say Pikachu, as he walk away to play with other Pokemon.

Big Bang Theory

Nah, just kidding, it’s the other one.

"I am make a splitting of the atoms!" say God, while a splitting of the atoms.

The atoms wouldn’t break!!!!

But I thought they just did.

"Over here Jesus!" say God, "You try!"

So Jesus is already around? Huh.

Jesus danubed over and saw at the atoms.

"Is no good to break atoms…" ask Jesus.

"Oh no! I have it!" say God, and he break the atom and a Big Bang.

And on that note, let’s danube on down to Hans Von Hozel’s version of the Bible. Yes, the Bible. Apparently he’s a fan, but he though he could improve upon it.

Chapter one, Making the World

One day God making of the world. “Oh no!” say Jesus. “The world is too small.”

How could it possibly be too small? Everything is relative, just fill it with other things that are “too small,” problem solved.

Suddenly, world on fire!

The world burning to the ground. “All my world’s make a breakage,” say God. “I need someone who can creation of the world.”

God is such a quitter, am I right? Of course I am, but only because Hans Von Hozel said so.

Then, God pick up a rock and zap Adam and Eve on it. “Hello! I am much of Godly,” say the god.

“Oh no, we can no see the gods!” say Adam.

What reason could he possibly have for saying that?

Suddenly, God pull a sun.

“Now, there be a light,” say God. “But this flight make a distraction of my readings.”

Suddenly, the sun gave birth to a baby moon!

I’m not claiming to be an expert on Christianity or astronomy, but either way that doesn’t sound quite right.

The moon danube to the rock.

Nevermind, now it makes sense.

Suddenly, God zapped a tree of apples.

“Now, you no make a touching of trees,” say God.

Well could he have put it somewhere else then?

Suddenly, a snake from down the tree!

“Hello to you!” say the snake. “You want a taking of the apple?”

Suddenly, Adam and eve have eaten all the apples.

Not just a few, all of them.

Then, God made a return from his vacation.

His vacation to where?

Adam and Even, suddenly hit in a cave, because the apple make them embarrassment of their nakedness.

“Why have you two consuming much of the apples?” boned God. And suddenly, the sake flew away.

Wait, what?

“Much of flying away the snake,” said Adam.

Oh, so I did read that right.

“I told you no to touch my trees! You creation of a touching!” yelled God. And suddenly, he zapped Adam and Eve, and they turned to dust.

So no more people then?

Chapter two, Noah’s Ark

Suddenly, the filaments began to fly away. God jumped on the firmament, and so did Jesus, and dust what used to be Adam and Eve on the ground. Suddenly, the dust made an evolution and turned to humans.

The the filament went back down and got on Jesus getting off.

“Oh no!” say God. “The dust has turned to humans!”

Angkras and Hans have very similar interpretations of God, in that they’re both laughably incompetent.

“We will creation of a flood!” say Jesus. Suddenly, a rain clouds begin to form.

Noah was looking at a weather forecast. “This weather should be much of rainings,” say Noah.

Well it was nice of God and Jesus to inform everyone before they drown the bastards.

Suddenly, Noah touched a tree, and it turned to a boat.

“Oh dear,” say Noah’s wife. “What is this you building?”

“I have creation a boat,” say Noah. “I check the weather, and there shall be flood. Now, we need two of every aminal.”

Why? You weren’t told to get two of every animal and mosquitoes are assholes.

Suddenly, the animals started rushing onto the boat. Noah and his wife sat on the boat. On the boat, Noah saw a map.

“This map has directions to a treasure!” say Noah.

Because it’s not like anything else interesting is going on.

”Well, we can kill two birds with one stone, mustn’t we?”

If you want to make them extinct, then yes, kill the last hope for a species or two.

God looked down, and saw Noah being greedy with a map. The rain waters to pour, but Noah was only intent on finding of treasure.

“You have intention to find treasure!” yellowed God. “You are being greedy.”

Well I think most people would at least be curious about the treasure map on a ship they spontaneously created and filled with animals.

So then God name a lightning bolt, and Noah’s ark sinked, and all the animals died.

“You didn’t think that through,” yelled Jesus. “Now there be no animals.”

God sighed. His plan made a failings again.

Dammit God, can you do anything right?

Chapter three, Firmament

God and Jesus fly up into heaven. “I need to making of a plan!” say God.

But suddenly, the firmaments were a fluffy cloud, and God and Jesus fell asleep, for a millions years.

When they woke up, God observed that the world was full of much pyramids.

“Oh dear,” Say God. “I am fellen asleep for too long!!!! Now the bacteria is evolve to Egyptians!

And the world is covering of pyramids!!!!!”

“Let’s make an observing of the peoples,” said Jesus, creating a couch and then sit on it.

“This shall be much of goodly,” say God, who sits down to watch the Egypt world. They looked down and saw the pharaoh, making the rapings of a woman.

Nope, I can’t take this seriously when it’s worded that comically.

The woman ran away from the pharaoh, but too late, she had been impregnated with a sperm. But the woman was part pyramid,

so she was worried the baby could turn into a pyramid too.

“I bored of this story,” say God.

I’d actually like to hear more about this. Namely; how the fuck is she part pyramid?

“Make a fast forward.”

Jesus grabbed the remote, and forwarded nine months.

“Oh Dear!” say the woman, “I am making a pregnant!”

She lay a tiny pyramid on the ground.

“Oh dear,” said the woman, “I have borned a pyramid!!!!!”

And why is that a problem? Just leave it there, I have to think they’re pretty low maintenance.

They she put the pyramid in a crate, and drifted it up the sea.

“I shall name you Moses!” say the woman, letting go of crate. The crate driften up the sea.

Danube readers, danube to you all.