Review #165

bad girl with a bad boy

Story by alanalovestaylor

Review by Ray


[Editor's Note: Oh god help me.]

Chapter 1

I'm Alana one of the hottest Badest bitches in wester high school.

You know what, I’m already feeling this one.

Mary Sue Counter: 1

Best way to start a story.

Stay out of my way if you Know what's best because I'm known for my temper and I say I have a big one.

*Snap snap snap*

I woke up at 6:30am and.


took a nice hot shower before blow drying my dark brown hair that made my tan skin look perfect.

Mary Sue Counter: 2

All she needs to do to look perfect is blow dry her hair, which somehow makes her tan skin look perfect.

I then put on black ripped skinny jeans and my light pink tank top to go with my dark pink and light pink areopostal jacket with my black and pink convers.

I have to respect her for wearing Chucks, but you can’t be a badass and wear Aeropostale.

I applyed my normal brown eye shadow


and black eyeliner and mascara with a hint of blush. Not that I need make up I'm known for being Good looking but I don't like feeling plain.

Mary Sue Counter: 3

We are going to hit infinity sooner than I thought.

Did I mention im a artist.


Not yet.

Mary Sue Counter: 4

As I checked myself out I was thinking about my teachers words from yesterday "class tomarrow


there will be a new studient


coming to are school and the principal wants all the teachers to inform there last period classes.


What is there to say? “Here’s the new student, his name’s Billy, enjoy.”

his name is derick hynes and he is moving here from texes".

Seems legat.

I prefer Louisiono.

mmmm I always had a thing for cowboys this should be fun.:-)  

Go Vikings!

We’re from Minnesota.

as I went down stairs and grabed my keys noticing my mom already left,I went in my moms office

Moms without an apostrophe, meaning moms is plural. Her parents are lesbians. Continue.

and took some money from her safe. I then drove to McDonals

Gotta get that McDank on.

gooby pls

and went to the drive thru waiting for some jackass infornt of me to harry the fuck up.

Mary Sue Counter: 5

Impatient asshole.

I got anoyed and walked out of my car taking out my screw driver and walked to the guys car and knocked on the glass.

Whose side are we supposed to be on‽

the passenger rolled his window down with a smirk on his face.


"is there a problem babe?" I was hit by his sexy country accsient but wouldn't dare show it.

Gee I wonder who that is.

His name is Bullshit, first name Contrived.

"yes fuck face there is you need to hurry the fuck up before I'm late for school and if you call me babe agin I will shove my foot so far up Your ass you will be coughing up blue nail polish for the rest of Your life!"

So does that mean she’s like just wearing sandals right now.

^ Warnuts’ first and biggest concern with the above statement.

We I’m sorry, I don’t want to have shit on my big toe.

I yelled then smirked at his shocked exprestion. all of a sudden I seen some guy from school come out of the assholes car "Max wtf?"  I said shocked. "you Know this crazy bitch?"

Wait, who’s talking?

the asshole asked "yeah ignore Alana hear she has a bit of a temper derick."


I looked at max as if he slaped me in the face. "derick?" "howdy Alana"

I am offended on behalf of all Texans.

Oh but we’re from Minneesota now don’cha know ‘der, eh?

I blushed like a cherry. he was hotter then a summer's sun,

The sun is always hot as balls! The summer makes no difference! I hate this line!

he had blue pericing eyes with brown justin biber hair and was waring a holister jacket with black jeans and dark red vans to match the jacket damn oh did I mention he was fucking hot!

Gary Stu Counter: 4

Battle of the terrible characters.

for what seemed like 15 minuets of me staring at his features I was interupted by a chuckle "well looks like somebody has a little crush max mocked as I glared at him

Is he still talking?

End-quotes, brah! They’re your friend.

"looks someone is crushing back" derick said as he contiued to stare at me.

I’m already confused by this love triangle, and I don’t even think it’s a triangle yet.

"damn Your hotter then max said " max coughed blushing and awkwardly stared away causing me to smirk "oh really" then the mcdonals man finaly comes "sir I hate to brake the eye sex you got going on but Your orders ready".


Okay. I didn’t always know how to use quotes in the exact right way. Anyone who read the Furrag Anthology can attest to that. But at least I was close. At least I understood that a quotation mark starts the speech, a quotation mark ends the speech, and there’s an indent between speakers. Is that much too complicated?

Yes. Clearly it is.

"its about.


fucking time I almost got my car keyed buy ma-laidy over here"


He didn’t almost get his car keyed, he almost got her foot up his ass.

I blushed forgeting about my screw driver that was in my hand shit.

What… what joke do we start with?

Well I don’t know about you, but I am very curious about what “hand shit” is.

I’m sure Google could tell us. The question is, do you want it on your history?

"shit schools about to start" max yelled I looked at the time "dipshit its only 8:00" wh-hat my watch says- I " I cut him off

Thank you. Now also cut yourself off, and then everyone shut up for a while.

"well then its fucking wrong get in the car so I can order" I said annoyed "yeah I can't efored my car to get fucked up "

How would it get… I don’t get it! If it idles for too long, does it blow up?

derick exclaimed I gave my famous man killer smile that melts every boys heart

Mary Sue Counter: 6

I think Orchid’s got you beat. Her chest kills ya.

and watched as he blushed before going in my vs buggy.

She’s a badass driving a buggy. No.

and orderd for me and my crew.

Who’s your crew‽ Who did you come here with‽

She stole her moms’ money and drove here herself! She has no crew!

Chapter 2

When i came to school my crew was in a cricle and they looked pissed!

"im'a fuck you up !'

"try me !"

i came up to the sean

Is The Sean part of her crew, or is there a possibility that she misspelled scene?

and looked at kenndy kiser uck bitch i hated her with all my heart.


Mary Sue Counter: 7

But, I will revoke this one if kenndy kiser gets any redeeming qualities.

You know she’s not. Although to be fair, neither will the main character.

"whats going on " i said with more vinome in my words then excpected.

"this bitch is talking shit "cody said.

"you mess with Alana you mess with all of us!"jake yelled and let her go.

Who’s who!

"you got something to say kiser?" i said sounding mad, hell i was.

We can tell you’re mad.

Being mad has been half of your character throughout this story. The other half is that you wear pink. Let that sink in; your character can be summarized with an emotion and a color.

Fuck you too.

Yellow, you’ve blatantly admitted that you don’t exist, and even you have more character than Alana.


That’s all I ever wanted to hear.

Now shut up Yellow.

"yeah derick is mine i seen you talking to him!"

*High pitched angry chirping noises*

kenndy was the school hoebag she always steals girls boyfriend claming shes inlove. basicaly the oppisite of me

Oh my god no way the protagonist and the antagonist are opposites of each other wow you literary fucking mastermind what a brilliant idea that no thirteen year old has ever come up with before, let me stop typing for a second so I can fucking applaud you.

i don't believe in love its pointless to me.

And yet you’re totally crushing on the new dude.

The tsundere is strong in this one.

"what are you gonna do about it kick my ass?!"

Oh gee, what will her answer be?

  1. Say no and calmly disengage the situation.
  2. Say no and apologize for her harsh attitude.
  3. Say yes and use her Sue powers to kick the other girl’s ass.

A! She’ll do A!

"yes" with that she slaped me and there it was folks my temper

i grabe her by the arm twisted it and slamed her head in my knee causing he nose to bleed ha.

Dammit I was wrong. I thought for sure this calm and well thought out character would try to make this peaceful.

I’m not even mad about her being so angry—you can have an angry protagonist. I’m just mad that she’s only angry. I’m mad that the narrator does nothing to convey why she’s so angry, or how she justifies it. The character sucks, but you can make a sucky character work at least a little with good writing surroundign them. See Jace in The Silence Before.

i slamed her head in the locker and then threw  her across the floor punching her in the face.

So you can teleport. Now that’s impressive.

Mary Sue Counter: 8

She literally is using her Sue powers.

ahaha. i got up and drop kicked here in the face knocking her out.

Can you drop kick somebody who’s already on the ground?

No, but maybe Chuck Norris can. Honestly though, you kneed her, threw her across the floor, then punched her in the face, then turned super-saiyan, then threw a spirit bomb, and you still think the drop kick is necessary?

suprisingly i got away with out geting into any troble



Mary Sue Counter: 9 + infinity

" damn chika you fucked her up!"jacob said.

Dora the Explorer: What was your favorite part?

Alana’s Crew:

"my favorite part is when you kneened her in face and broke her nose"

I liked that part too!

cody chimed i laugh at my friends, i didn't really hang with girls i only had one and her name was diamond

She’s a dancer at the local club.

she wasnt here anymore she moved away.


there was jake the badass player,sergio the funny nice one,cody the awkward but fun one and max the asshole who was my bestfriend i had a thing for him in middle school but got over it when i relized he was a player.

Wasn’t Jake the player oh nevermind I don’t care.

What does this remind me off…

they all walked by my side hugging

Oh baby.

and highfiveing me.

"OH DERICK O MY GOD MMMM" i looked around and hear moans from the janitors closet wth? he was flriting with me this morning well i a player too and Derick Hynes your on my list.

If any of you know what happened in that last paragraph, then please, insert your own joke here. Because we don’t have a single clue.

Chapter 3

To day was the day im gonna make it my goal to make derick fall for me....i'm a player and he was going to learn that this is not my first time at a rodeo o god i need to stop with this cowboy talk.

What a phenomenal way to start a new chapter. If we weren’t obligated to keep reading, you would’ve lost me with the first sentence of chapter one.

this morning i work up early just so i could look good.

She’s perfect in every way imaginable. She could wake up and go to school in her fucking pajamas and still find a way to be perfect.

Except that BITCH Kiser never realizes how perfect she is! Ugh!

it was kinda hard to look sexy in the middle of winter but i being myself found a way.

Mary sue counter: 10 + infinity

Oh, the struggle.

i wore a black long sleve shirt

Oh, more clothing description, fascinating.


Well… bye.


Hay Ray. How's it going in here...


What have I walked into?

The Mary Sue is half Anger Sue and half Tsuendere.


that wascroped over my shoulder and red skinny jeans and black vans.

No pink? Looks like it’s back to square one for your personality, Miss Sue.

i curled my hair and did my make up and put on lip stick for that extra BANG


 besides my temper i'm  really girly. i went down stairs and walked to my car driving to mcDonals.

So she just goes there every morning. Alright, seems healthy.

Sorry but Mcdonald's is trademarked. Please use WcDonald’s.


I was a bit early so i desided to eat inside and call the boys to come.

about 10 minutes of me playing angery birds.


"heyy boo boo!" sergio yelled coming over and hugging me he was abit chubby but cute he had dark browned justin beiber hair.


"hey hoe" that was are inside joke he would pretend to be hoe and i would pretend to be a pimp honestly i cant remember why it got started.

Probably so that there would be sexual tension?

"so i heard your planning on being a player agin?"

Is that really something you plan for ahead of time?

"who told you?"

"diamond "he said yawning

"of course, but yeah only to teach this dude a lesson"

"who the hell would mess with you?"

"derick hynes"

"i dont like him he fucked shay"

“Excuse me? If you’re just going to stand in line while playing on your phone/talking to one another, can we go in front of you? All I want is a Large Mac.”

“And one royale with cheese.”

"your still not over her?"

"i am i just care about her"

"kinda like i care about chance ?"

"yeah " he sighed i tear falling from my eyes i still missed him…


What the hell just happened in that last sentence? Was there like, an entire flashback that she forgot to write in between those two clauses?

A run-on is a sentence in which two or more independent clauses (i.e., complete sentences) are joined without an appropriate punctuation or conjunction. For example:

he was my only true love and we dated for 3 years i gave him all of me sometimes i feel like he put out the best of  me i was never angry when i was with him but he ended up cheating on me and we broke up and i stopped dating for 1 year  then i met max  and the feeling i had for chance i had for max and i feel in love over again and then i realized he was a player and i never dated again.

End example.

"no boo don't cry" sergo whisper

"i'm not crying thats for bitches my eyes were sweating" i said though my tears

Anger Sues don’t cry. They just secrete liquid drama which happens to look like crying.

"yeah yeah "sergo said geting up and hugging me

i damn near jumped on him he chuckled slightly and hugged me tighter.

"i love you hoe"

"i love you too pimp"

“This is getting out of hand. Let's go eat somewhere else.”

“Burger Town?”

“Sounds good.”

i laughed and had calmed down and then i heard car doors and i new my boys were here.

Chapter 4

"aye have you been crying?" max asked

"no my eyes were sweating i don't cry" i said laughing

"oh yeah i forgot "he chuckled huging me for alittle to long


.. ..

"kay" he got closer almost touching my lips. wth was going on with him

i was about to pull away when i seen a fist coming torwards my face. luckly with my reflexes i grabe it in time.

Next time use your reflexes to grab the backspace key when you make a typo.

"you bitch! " it was kenndy maxes ex you no the slut i beat up the other day oh well now its on.

"Alana calm down your scaring me"sergio said i could feel my body geting red and i knew that when i was mad there was no hiding it.

“Ma’am, you’re here every morning, and you manage to get in a fight every single time. I’m actually impressed, but please, consider taking your business to Taco Hell just once.”

"look away hoe "i muble to him and the boys coverd his eyes like he was a baby.

there was know time for laughter i was gonna kill this bitch.

i had her fist with one hand as i slinged her onto the floor powsing on her like a tiger.

Hey Hent, what was the definition of run-on sentence again?

she yelled out a yelp when i upper cut her in the rib cage causing me to smirk and continue the abuse on her ugly body until i seen blood and my friend pulled me off of her yelling "shes had enough" and "oh my god" sergio and max went into my car while the rest of the boys went in the one they came in.

Why would you ask that Ray?

Nevermind, I think I got it.

we were listening to eminem on my way there singing along.

"did i tell you,you look hot today?"max said sounding calm to calm

"did i tell you that you didn't " i said in a humores tone


"well then " he scoffed it was werid he actually looked hurt

"i'm kidding dipshit"

"i was being serious look we need to talk after school "

I hope they talk about where they’re going to find a better plot.

"okay were at"

"the park by the swings"


when i arrived to school i went to my locker only to be stoped by derek.

"eh what do you want" i said harshly

"you" he said and then he came closer and whispered

“I have an erection.”

"i've been wanting you ever since max told me about you i no your a fire cracker and thats what i want you " i was about to reply when he lifted me up and kissed me as if we were in the desert and the only water was my spit.

That was almost beautiful, but instead you’ve earned a spot on this list.

i let go droping my self down.

"well lets see how bad you do " i smirked looking at his now embaressedly shocked face.

all of a sudden i was knocked over and i looked up seeing max beating the shit out of derek. "max your throwing your punches all wrong you have to aim them" derek said as he laughed because he wasnt hurt at all.

“They're at it again? This is like, the third time this week.”

"you have to hit like this "he said knocking max out.


he came over to me "see you later sweet cheaks " as he slaped my ass and i slaped him on the back of his head leaving my hand print on him.

first period was sience with cody,sergo and max. max came in right after me siting in front of me.


So many characters. Actually, no, it’s not even that there are a lot of characters—it’s that they’re all the same character. If they all had their own personalities, I would probably be able to keep track of Cody and Sergio and Max. I would probably even give a fuck that they’re all in this room together. But guess what? I don’t, because none of them are unique or interesting.

"today we will be in partners and you will study with eachother for the up coming quiz so choose wisly " mrs.snow said

“Ray! Be in my group! Last time I was stuck with that stupid Mary Sue girl!”

“You got it!”

.. ..

max looked at me and i nodded "fuck this test" i said to him

Wow. I can only imagine how much it sucked being stuck with her Hent.

She didn’t do any work! All she did was play games on her phone and shout at people from across the room.

making him chuckle the rest of the period we sat there making jokes and pissing off the teacher. i skipped second and third with cody and then we went to lunch.

my crew and i had are own table were nobody else could sit.

Not that anybody else wanted to.

How come our table is right next to theirs?


We got kicked out of our office building for never paying the rent. Ever. But don’t worry, Doctor Martin said something about burning houses down with lemons, so I think he’s working on a solution.

Oh good. For a second, I thought it was because we weren't popular.




i grabed a burger and sat down eating watching the boys act like fools. "ah i love you guys"

"we love you to big pimpn" they said trying to sound like girls well hoes to be honest. lol

"sorry to ruin the whole orgy you got here but Alana this dick aint gonna suck its self"

i looked up to see chad he was known for hiting women and rape but he didn't scare me.

“Jesus Christ Chad. Did you not listen to my presentation in english class? You’re supposed to drug them first!”

"what dick chad? your mom said it was the size of an tooth pick get out of my face and continue fucking you pillow asshole"

Pillows have assholes?

...why are you looking at me?

everyone laugh but chad looked at me. "no wonder chance left your bitch ass and come here before i make you because i do hit women"

Watch out Chad. Picking a fight with the Anger Sue is like writing your own name in the Death Note. Although, seeing as you’re kind of an asshole, maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

i stood up this is the part of the story when the girl runs out crying


Good review everyone, bye!

But there's like… 24 chapters left. We can’t just end it in the middle of a se...


Now we can end it.

So that's where I left those.