Review #163

Howl if you can

Story by LeAh-LuVz-Metallica

Review by Hent




After the smashing success of there first video, the gang discuss what they should do next.


           

Come on, there has to be one left. Hent, have you found anything?

Negative. I think we reviewed all of the bad fanfiction.

We could review another masterpiece that Ray wrote in high school.

Shut up Yellow. Even if there’s nothing new, we still have plenty of stories we haven’t finished: Sonichu, Naruto Veangance Revelaitons, Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles, the endless My Inner Life saga—

Fuuuck that.

Good point.

Well shit. What are we going to post today?

Hey Ray, catch!

 

 

Alright, who’s in?

     

 
I’m here whether you want me to be or not. Unless you want me to be.

 

Chapter 1

Howl if you can

Aaoooooo! Werewolves of London!

I was heading to school with my best friend ever Carlie but everyone calls her C .

“Her name is Carlie, but everyone calls her C, because C is marginally easier for me to type.”

When I noticed a dead guy beside my locker (not really a dead guy he was a vampire)

Oh this is going to be a treat.

 

he was just staring into my eyes I was getting creeped out. Then I didn't notice but C was blabbing about something

If you didn’t notice it, then how the fuck are you narrating about it?

"…so any way I said if you want to go with me keep dreaming!… Kayla are you even listing!"

Nope. I’m too distracted by that vampire next to us. You know, those things consume people?

And they sparkle. Fear the sparkles.

No I wasn't "Yea"

"Then what was I talking about?"

"…ummm"

“Some bullshit?”

“Oh good, you were listening.”

"See I hate when you do that!"

"Sorry but that dead guy is staring at me" I whispered.

I can’t tell if this character is joking or not. This is the one time where I actually wish the writer said geddit, just so I could know.

His head shot up, "Excuse me have I seen you before" he said in the most amazing voice ever.

Something like this?

 

"I don't know you tell me corpse!" I really hated vampires they think they can run the place.

So vampires are just excepted members of society? You know...those people that eat people!?!?!

Racist.

"Yes I have your Kayla Stewart" he paused then looked at C "Ahh and you must be Carlie Paisley, your blood smells fine today"

Yup, so vampires are just totally accepted in this high school, bloodlust and all. What the actual fuck?

OK that really made me angry

Me too! Why the fuck can a vampire go to a school where other students would get suspended for bringing a pocket knife!

"C we have to be getting to P.E by now Mr. Rice will eat the head of us"

Mr. Rice. See Yellow, thats some racism.

"But K we don't have P-"

Who the fuck is P

I was already dragging her on.

"Why did you do that he seemed pretty nice before"

"Why did I do that 2 reasons, 1. He's a VAMPIRE!, 2. I did some research and well I don't know how to put this…"

"Put what?"

“Well… it turns out they drink human blood.”

"Well don't you know what vampires enemies are?"

Preps?

"Yea Wolves"

"Do you know why we are always sore now?"

 

"No"

"I Do Our ancestors there well umm…"

"Spit it out!"

Get on with it!

"W - w - w - Wolves"

Well fuck.

OK maybe I could have said that before

"Do you know what this means!"

Yes. It means the writer wanted to tell a story, but didn’t want to waste precious time on exposition or character development. So fuck it, why not just skip to the third act?

"We are about to be wolves!"

"Yea…Wait

Writer speaks for the audience.

if we are wolves then how do we you know change to wolves?"

We you want try that sentence again?

"Well you remember our class were we learned about Wolves and Vampires?"

"Yea"

“I remember, Professor Snape told us to turn to page 394.”

"Well I you know imprinted that's why I hate human boys now he's just so sweet"

I think that just summarized the plot of the third book; it made no sense and was poorly written.

"wait is this why you said you couldn't come to my beach party?"

"Yea"

How does that have to do with anything? I feel like I’m reading the opening to The One Gigantic Fix.

Why was this story not about high school girls on a beach? Ray! I request a swimsuit episode!

Fuck it! Editor, add bikini babes at extremely inappropriate places in the plot!

[Editor's Note: You got it.]

"And my Mamma's birthday?"

I am already pleased with this. Good thinking Hent.

It’s what I do.

"Yea , C I'm really sorr-"

"Don't be sorry if I would have known I would be ok"

"Really?"

 

"Yea"

We hugged

This is the best review ever...of all time.

I love the way she's so

forgiving.

I feel like we’ve actually improved the plot with these images. How is that even possible?

Nearly naked women make everything better.

So I told her all about my new guy, showed her some photos, and told her that after school we have to meet him and turn into wolves.

 

She's so excited (not about turning into wolfs about meeting my imprinted boyfriend.

From what I remember from the Cinemasins Twilight episode, Imprinting means to fall in love with a baby. So I don’t like where this is going.

Classy, Editor. Also, who the fuck wouldn’t be excited to turn into a wolf?

[Editor’s Note: My job is too easy.]

Chapter 2, New Life

So there we were in the middle of nowhere , full of wolves (who look kind of scary).

My Imprinted Boyfriend (Jay) spoke his beautiful voice. "I welcome you to my pack , K , C ,

To bad his name is Jay instead of Frank.

By the way, quick question. How the fuck did Jay’s name not get shortened to J?

unfortunately Ray cant be with us right now he has the flu.

So hows that flu coming Ray?

 

It’s pretty bad, I don’t think I’ll be able to finish the, uh…

You know on second thought I’m feeling much better.

He'll be back tomorrow don't worry. He is the only one of us who hasn't yet imprinted."

C whispered to my ear "I'm Scared"

"same" I whispered back.

Shit, there was a plot going on while I was looking at women in swimsuits, wasn’t there?

 

Some bullshit about imprinting and C is involved in it for no reason, got it.

You’re right Ray. We need more input. (Obscure 90s reference compleat) Editor, sex it up a little.

"K you can go first"

 

How’d you get that photo!

[Editor's Note: I have my ways.]

He Smiled at me and says "OK, I no this sounds weird but I have to make you angry"

I was a bit confused by that…

an·ger - Noun - An Emotion.

e·mo·tion - Noun - Something you lack.  

He Started saying weird things like 'nobody likes you' and 'I was pretending I didn't imprint on you I was faking'

Wow. The emotion is just jumping off the screen here. It’s a good thing we didn’t waste any time with some stupid first act that would have established who the characters are and let us know why we should give a shit.

Ok that one did it before I new it I was changing into this hair thing & I herd voices "welcome I'm Amelia you can call me A though"

These nicknames are so original, don’t you think H?

They sure are R. Remind me to Tell W, F, and M that they missed out big time, on this review.

They really didn’t miss much.

Shut up Y.

"Hi A I'm K,

Slowly but surely, this story is morphing into a riddle.

what just happened there…"

Hard to say. Maybe if this story had pacing or character or an understanding of how plot works, I would be able to tell you.

"you turned into a wolf silly" she laughed.

"Right OK…"

"look your friends going to now"

 

Good one E. But the plot jumped the shark a while ago.

I looked over and I saw she was angry then she was a wolf she looked nice for a wolf I must say.

 

Story, you were so close to giving a fuck! You could have used this opportunity for K to freak out about her friend becoming a wolf! Then she sees that it’s still C, and realizes she looks nice because it’s her friend, or some other contrived bullshit! But nope, let’s just keep saying actions that don’t have any significance.

Good point Editor, I hadn’t thought of it that way. I guess the story isn’t so bad afterall.

"you OK C?"I asked.

"OK why you in my head?"

"Creepy wolf thing we can hear your thoughts when you're a wolf" A butted in be for I could say a word.

Translation: They didn’t want to animate the mouths of the werewolves in the Twilight movie so telepathy.

Then J Said "How you doing honey?"

"Better now that you're her"

"K?" C asked.

I’m starting to feel like I need a cryptogram to read this.

I’m starting to feel my boner.

[Editor's Note: It’s as if I’m a God!]

"Yea?"

"You know everyone can hear right ?"

"Yea so?"

"just wondering"

And before I new it J's Friend Ray Was Here.

Fuck.

"What'd a miss?"

Then for some reason he was staring at C.

"Hi" Ray Said.

"I think he's imprinted" J said with a weird wolf smirk on his face

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Chapter 3, Tired Lovee

 

OK so me and C are now wolves ,

Oh, good, a summary of the last chapter that I wasn’t paying attention to.

 

Don’t worry R, I’ve been taking notes.

 

weird but I can live with that. Amelia is really nice & is our friend now. We also have a new friend Cassidy she's A's twin, she also has a good fashion scene too, We call S. we also met Emily (M).

 

 

There I was lying on my bed after a long day running with Jay's pack.

"How you feeling?" Jay said softly (I didn't even notice he came in

“-side)”

).

"Tired" I say with my eyes still closed.

"Love you loads K"

“Hot, sticky loads.”

Save it for the sex episode R.

"Love ya too J"

He comes over lies beside me, kisses my fore head as I slowly drift to sleep.

When I wake up I check my phone always & it's 3.48AM and I had a new message from J.

Wasn’t he just asleep next to her—

Fuck Yeah! I love America.

Going 4 a run , luv uu loaadz , miss uu alreadyy

Luvv J x0xx0x.

I couldn't help but smile someone actually loved me.

 

   

[Editor's Note: My power!!!]

Dammit Editor! You’ve seen my search history, you know overly muscular men aren’t my type of men!

Chapter 4, Trouble

I fell asleep again but I woke up to find my phone was ringing.

What a fascinating protagonist this story has given us.

I checked the caller ID it was C.

Her contacts list must look like a preschooler’s interpretation of the ABCs. I can only imagine what she’d do if she met somebody named Bobby and somebody named Brian.

"hello" I said.

"K,K can you hear me"

We are getting really close to being really bad.

Never mind, we have already arrived.

C screamed

"Yea what you want"

"There's trouble down here you need to come fast"

"Where?"

"The border"

At that moment I knew something was wrong.

This looks like a job for Donald Trump!

To the rescue!

When I was on my way I was walking I stopped at a forest and changed into a wolf. I've can change into a wolf whenever I want I've had loads of practice. I started running , hard.

Good to see that no one cares about that full moon shit anymore.

When I got to the border I new straight away what had happened. Amelia had gotten into the wrong fight with a dead guy (Vampire).

Vampire Potter?

It had gotten bad real bad. Amelia had gotten inured but being a wolf she'll be fine in a couple of hours. But the leech he was the one at my locker just 1 week ago. He's dead Amelia must have been angry.

Like dead dead, or—

 

Let’s just move on.

"How could you what about the-"jay said before being interrupted by A.

"He's not dead he's faking" I said.

"How do u no honey?"

"He's breathing"

"Leeches don't breath"

"They do when they need to smell"

"Your right"

That almost sounds like it might be somewhat a little bit vaguely in a way partially halfway sort of clever, if it had been set up right. But it wasn’t, and that really is the problem with this story; it’s punchline after punchline with no setup, it’s a third act without the first two, it’s…

Yeah! That!

I run to were my clothes are and morph into a human and change into my clothes and return to my friends.

Fucking why?

"GET UP LEECH!"

"clever but rude" he shoots up in a flash.

The pack get prepared to get him.

 

Leech, stay dead.

Chapter 5, Secrets

Could this review get any better?

I really don’t see how.

He paces around obviously sorting out a plan. "Why are you here" I say keeping my voice calm.

At this point, who knows why anything at all is going on? I would ask for another summary, but I think the problem is that the entire story has sounded like a bad summary.

"I'm here to kill all of you."

Oh, well there you have it, that’s all I needed to know.

But which character said that?

…Goddammit.

"u break the truce u break your bones" I say with a smile on my face.

"Oh didn't you know?"

"Know what"

Know that we’ve gone over five lines without a bikini shot. E!

Nyan~

"Oh so he hasn't told you."

"About what!" I scream.

 

Nope, you can’t do it. You can’t tempt me with a secret that I don’t care about to begin with.

He laughs. "Go on dog tell her" Speaking directly at Jay.

He growls.

This story’s dialogue is still better than the dialogue in the movies.

"Or will I tell her?"

"Someone just tell me"

"The truce as you call it, Was Broken."

Omg no way.

What truce?

Woah this is the biggest news ever I can’t believe it.

But what truce!?

Wow this is amazing the world will never be the same.

"By who?"

He laughs "you seriously got no clue?"

"NO!"

"You see the truce was broke by the one you call Jay"

Who was Jay?!?

I Turn round and stare at him, he drops his head and whines.

What… the hell.

Editor, buddy, do you need a break?

[Editor’s Note: I thought it said whinny, but I now see that it did not say whinny. Let’s try that again.]

Boner Status: very confused.

He continues "Your Jay killed my friend Elli"

"How?"

"Oh you don't want to know" Jay says pulling me back. I hadn't even noticed he changed back to human.

You didn’t notice because it didn’t matter.

I puss him and he goes flying across the grass.

"I might want to know, Keep talking"

He laughs again "Jay was walking around looking for a so called imprint ,he found Elli he didn't know she was one of my kind till he saw her teeth. She stalked him I don't know why. He was walking in wolf form when she started to attack him. She was brutally killed, that's why I came to kill you all!"

 

Got it.

"No need she started it Jay ended it!"

"He made the wrong choice on how to do that!"

"Don't matter!" I was getting mad, real mad.

Yellow. Good choice.

"Does to me!"

"You're a leech no one cares about you!"

Tch.

ok maybe I shouldn't have said that. He went for me and I changed into a wolf

After running to the bathroom and changing your clothes and running back, of course.

It would still take less time than this. Every. Episode.

and went for him.

My friends backed me up but I killed him

Somebody doesn’t know what it means to back someone up. Or somebody doesn’t know how to conjunction.

I feel bad now but what can you do?

Not kill people?

Once you let vampires in the schools, it’s bound to happen.

Racist motherfucker.

He went for me first! I was seriously tired and seriously didn't want to my parents to see me in shorts in the winter.

 

I’m sorry, WHAT?

This is still the same story?

This is still the same paragraph.

Is it too late to start a Mary Sue counter?

So I went to Jay's and I love his bed better than mine it's much more comfortable.

"So your parents still don't know about you being a wolf?" asked Jay

She didn’t even know until yesterday!

"Nope"

"Ever plan on telling them?"

"Nope"

"Why Not?"

"Grandma knows!"

Editor, I swear to god, if you…

Good job E. You get a gold star.

"That's because she knows the legends."

"So"

"You need to tell them not that I don't like you being here, I love you being here. It's just they need to know."

Writer, put down the cliche phrasebook, it’s not helping.

"They don't care about me you know that."

"Yea but what are they are going to ask you why your out all the time."

"Got that covered"

"How"

"Some nights I go to C's , some nights I go to your's and some nights I go out."

"And they don't care?"

"Nope."

"OK"

Who’s O?

He kisses me and says "Love you lets get some sleep.

"'K"

Don’t bring K into this.

I kiss him back and slowly drift to sleep.

Chapter 6, Surprise

Surprise, Hent and I found a map to Boob Island!

Ahoy!

While we set sail, Editor is going to finish off the review by himself.

OK so Jay convinced me this morning to tell my mum and dad that I'm a wolf. Great.

"Mum , Dad can I talk to you guy's a sec."

"Sure honey bunny" said mum

"Ok first never call me that again. Second there is something I need to tell you and it's hard to say"

"Please don't tell me your pregnant!" screamed mum.

"No ,no I'm not. You know them ledged grandma talks about us being descended from wolves?"

"You do know there not real Kayla"

"Oh there real alright and I can prove it!"

"No you can't its not real"

"Fine ill prove you wrong!" I phased into a wolf and you should have seen there faces. They wouldn't even let me go near them.

"Holy mother of God it's true!"

"It …Can't…don't…Be…silly" Mum said obviously scared.

"Come here Kayla."

I walked over to Dad and he pet me and said "I knew they were real"

So me and Jay have been together like 2 weeks now and I love him to bits! And Carlie loves Ray too she never can stop talking about him and always near him, and If she's not near him she texting him. We are on our way to the new Chinese restaurant because we both love Chinese food. He was driving - in my new Ford Focus RS! - I love it , it's black with black windows - I think Jay loves it too.

"What are you thinking of?" Jay asked.

"How you love my car so much"

"I don't"

"Oh please you always want to go in my car"

"Because it's cool."

"My Point proven"

When we got in Jay ordered for me - he knows I always get spicy chicken and rice. "I need to tell you something." Jay said.

"What?"

"I think that we are imprinted and perfect for each other ,so do you want to move into my house with me?"

"I thought you lived with your mum and dad?"

"Not no more they got me a place."

"Where"

"In the middle of nowhere, But 6 miles from town, we can run round as wolves and no-one will see because no-one's around."

"Umm….well I'll say…OFCOURSE!"

That put a huge smile on his face.

[Editor’s Note: Boom, finished.]

Come on E, let us go questing for Boob Island.

[Editor’s Note: Yar!]