Review #16

Jesus and Hitler: A Romance

Story by Angkras

Review by Ray




There are some crossovers that are bizarre, but understandable. Then there are those like, I don't know, Jesus and Hitler falling in love. I don't know what Angkras was thinking, but he felt like sharing it with the world.


Chapter 1

COPYRIGHT NOTICE: The characters and events in the below story are of my own creation and any theft thereof will be strongly frowned upon!

Hitler and Jesus are original creations of Angkras. Seems legit.


In the year 2025 in the halls of the Reichschancellory a German soldier was running to an office.

This takes place in the future? Considering it’s a romance between Jesus and Hitler, I would have expected it to take place around the 1940s or just after the year zero.

when he reached the door he dropkicked it open. "Mine Furor! The Americans are inside Berlin!"

“Mine impatient one, the door was unlocked!” said Hitler.

Adolph Hitler, king of Neo-Germany, looked up from his volksdesk rapidly.

Angkras, if you don’t know the language you’re mocking, at least have the decency to use Google Translate. All you did was call it a person’s desk. But anyways, it’s now clear that this isn’t the Hitler we all know from World War II, this is a totally different guy. That was Adolf Hitler, this is Adolph Hitler. Adolf was führer of the old Germany, Adolph on the other hand is the king of Neo, or new, Germany. I’m glad that this is no longer entirely ridiculous.

"Mein gott in Himmel! I must escape!"

Escape? How do you know us Yankees didn’t make it all the way to Berlin so we could surrender? Come on out Hitler, I promise it’s safe.

Quickly he ran to his secret underground laboratory.

Most world leaders have one. Hell, I may or may not have one, I just forgot where I put the damn thing.

Scientists were running around and conducting scientific experiments.

What else would you expect?

"Active the time machine!" shouted Hitler.

Because what else would he use to escape? Teleportation device? Nah, how would they invent that before the time machine?

Hitler could hear Americans shouting in the tunnel behind him, murdering innocent German scientists and soldiers to satiate their blood lust.

To be fair, I’m not familiar with the politics of the year 2025, so the narrator could be right.

"But mine Furor, the temporal coordinates are not set! You could be sent ANYWHERE!"

"It is irrelevant, fool! I must survive so that National Socialism can continue!"

“But mein Führer, national socialism can continue without you and anywhere includes the core of the sun!”

The thoroughly chastised scientist activated the time machine, and Hitler was thrown through time - to 29AD!

Damn, twenty nine years after Jesus’ death, so close.

When Hitler stepped through the portal he saw a beautiful man with blue eyes and a long beard.

"Greetings, my son," he said. Hitler looked around.

"Where am I?"

“In a place where everyone speaks English, even though neither of us should be speaking English.”

"In Israel, my son. Come, have lunch with me. My name is Jesus Christ."

But remember, this is decades after the death of the Jesus we all know. So Adolph not-a-nazi Hitler and Jesus not-the-savior Christ are falling in love, not Douchebag Hitler and Zombie Jesus.

Hitler was instantly amazed. He had been a devout Christian all his life and he was honored to eat dinner with Jesus.

But wait, Jesus invited Hitler to lunch, not dinner. Hmm…

Yup, Hitler and Jesus are actually Hitler and Jesus.

During lunch Hitler explained the tenets of National Socialism to the Messiah. To his delight, Jesus loved it! Within an hour Jesus was won over to National Socialism.

I do like the idea that Jesus can be so easily persuaded.

Hitler felt joy in his heart. National Socialism would live again!

While they were talking Hitler found himself checking out Jesus' tight bod. If he wasn't Furor of Germany... But he wasn't Furor anymore,was he?

I… I don’t know, is he? And is it relevant?

That night when Hitler and Jesus were in bed together Hitler said "Jesus, what do you think of... love between men?"

“I think we’re just about the two most unlikely people in history to experience it, why?”

"What do you mean, Hitler?" Jesus asked. Hitler took a deep breath. He would have to be bold.

"This is what I mean." He leaned over and started Frenching with the Lord.

Frenching With the Lord will be touring this February, don’t forget to buy your tickets before it’s too late.

At the same time he reached down and started tugging on his already turgid member(Christ slept in the buff).

Well if anyone knows how Christ slept, it’s Angkras.

Jesus broke off the kiss.

And kissed his role as messiah goodbye, because God must be pissed.

"Hitler I - I don't know if I can do this. It feels so good, so right, but I'm afraid. I've never been with another man before."

"I've never been with a man, either, Jesus. I'm scared, just like you are, but we can't let our fears rule us!

Sure we can, fears are a wonderful thing to have. Say for example, you want to write a story about Jesus and Hitler in love, but are afraid of what people might think. Heed your fears and give it up, it’s that simple.

I love you, Jesus. Do you love me?" Hitler's eyes had tears in them.

Jesus smiled. "Yes, Hitler. I love you." They embraced. Again, they kissed passionately. Hitler continued to jerk Christ off.

While touring, Frenching With the Lord will be performing hits such as Yes Hitler I love You and Jerk Christ Off.

When he began to tense up Hitler lowered his head to Christ's stiff member and caught Christ's sticky seed in his mouth.

This is the seed of christ, came for you.

There was an incredible amount of it and it splashed everywhere.

And for you, and you, and you, and you.

When Hitler rose up again Jesus locked lips with him. He could taste his own salty semen in Hitler's mouth, and he didn't care. Jesus was happy for the first time in his life.

He’s never been happy before? I gave up on reading the Bible right around Noah’s Ark, but I feel like that’s inaccurate on both a biblical and historical level.

Chapter 2

Oh, did I mention? Angkras has blessed us with three chapters, thank Nazi Jesus.

Here is the second chapter of my epic romance,

“Epic”

Though I will give some credit, it is a romance. It’s shit, but technically, it is romance.

long thought lost but rescued by a loyal fan.

Thanks, dick.

Please remember that the characters and events of this story are fictional,

So the holocaust never happened and Jesus didn’t exist, good to know.

and I retain all copyrights!

Is it really a concern that somebody will take your story and write their own version? At that point you might as well worry about somebody taking your story and pointing out why every other line is awful, critiquing it and… oh.


Jesus and Hitler had been living together for almost two years now. They did everything together: go shopping, shower, and have intense fuck sessions with teenage slave bois rented from the local Jewish temple.

Yeah, that pretty much covers everything.

They were like an old married couple, except for one thing - they weren't married.

Hitler sought to remedy that.

Well if you’ve got the poison I’ve got the remedy.

Hitler wrestled Jesus down onto the floor one afternoon and gave the Lord the best blowjob he possibly could, complete with rimming and a stinky pinky.

Is this still related to getting married? Because this seems like something else.

After our saviour blew his load

Our savior? He can be your savior Angkras, I insist. My savior is Fukitol.

and shared a salty kiss with the Furor he felt something cold slide onto his softening member. Looking down, he saw it: a golden cock ring with the biggest diamond this side of the Nile!

Way to keep it classy.

"Oh Addy,

does this mean what I think it means?" Hitler was too choked up to say anything, but he nodded. Jesus threw his arms around the Aryan hunk.

Hitler wasn’t exactly aryan, but that’s the least of our worries.

"Oh, Hitler, you've made me the happiest girl in the world!" He paused.

Please be a moment of clarity, please be a moment of clarity…

"But we'll have to get my father's permission first

Damn.

- and he doesn't know I'm gay!

This is the most apathetic god I’ve ever heard of.

We'll have to go to Heaven to talk to him."

Hitler was confused, but Jesus explained his plan to him and he agreed.

That night they snuck into Pontius Pilate's palace and started murdering every woman and child they could find. They stole from room to room, crushing skulls and slitting throats until a centurion found a little girl with her brains splattered on the floor and raised the alarm. The Lord and the Furor were soon caught and were taken to Golgotha to be executed. "This way," explained the Anointed One, "we won't be comitting suicide!"

Hitler agreed that it was a good plan.

Good plan? It’s a perfect plan. Committing suicide, as we all know, will send you straight to Hell. But I doubt the Bible ever mentions murder, and I don’t see what the problem would be.

Soon after they were crucified they both died and ascended to Heaven.

There they wend into God's living room. Jesus started to introduce Hitler but God cut him off. "I know him. He did some good work for me in the future."

I’d question this, but he is God.

He gave Hitler a friendly smile, which made him feel uncomfortable. Jesus spoke: "Dad, we have something to tell you. Hitler and I... Well..." "Go on, son!" "We're gay and we want to get married!" Jesus blurted out.

"WHAT? That's IMPOSSIBLE! No son of mine is a homo!"

Incredible. This deity can see into the future, but doesn’t know shit about his son’s present. But hey, at least somebody’s finally acting according to cannon, so that’s refreshing.

God raised his hand to slap Jesus, but he was crying too hard. "It's okay, dad, really. Me and Hitler love each other, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We came here today because we want your permission to marry." God sighed. "okay, son. If it'll make you happy..."

There are a lot of things that make people happy that they probably shouldn’t be doing. In fact, there are a lot of things that make me happy that I probably shouldn’t be doing. While I appreciate God’s openness to gay marriage, his reasoning behind it is  a bit off.

He leaned in to give Jesus a kiss on the forehead, but he missed and ended up making out with Jesus.

They separated, but it was so hot that they were back at each other soon enough. "Mmph! Oh God, what am I doing?" said God.

It’s quite simple God; you’re being written into a story, the author of which clearly isn’t familiar with your ideals.

He tore off his clothes. Hitler was already nude, and Jesus slipped off his toga with a shrug.

They did everything: chain bangs, DP, Eiffeling.

Yes, Eiffeling is a thing.

God even turned off gravity for even wilder positions and switched genders a few times for laughs.

Come on Angkras, surely there were any number of ways to accomplish the same things with bullshit science, did you really have to get bullshit theology involved?

Jesus was a hog and tried to get his father and boyfriend to abuse him with both their schlongs at the same time, but Hitler and God managed to share a few intimate moments. After nearly four hours of wild lovemaking all three gods were exhausted.

Hitler has become a god. Fanfuckingtastic.

They lay in a puddly of sweat and semen. Jesus was bruised and bleeding, but his father bought a potion from a local merchant for two gold and healed him.

After that he sent the two lovebords back to Earth to get married in a traditional Jewish ceremony.

Mmm, you can just taste the irony.

He was sad to see them go, but he knew that he'd just be a third wheel.

Yeah God, why are you always poking around in other people’s business?

He went to his bedroom, turned on the TV, and poured himself a scotch.

Chapter 3

Author's note: Here is chapter three, modified from the original for more sensitive audiences.

Let us give thanks to RaysTestAccount for saving it from oblivion!

Rest assured, I am not the same Ray.

Also, Jimothy is a character of my own creation, so don't use him without my permission!

Fair enough, he sounds like he might actually be an original character, and I have no interest in taking him.


One day Jesus was at home knitting when he heard a knock at the door. "Daddy, can I come in?" asked a soft angelic voice. The Savior looked up. His "21" year old adopted son, Jimothy,

Well, I suppose if Angkras says he’s twenty one…

was at the bedroom door. "Of course, my son. Please come in." He patted his lap and motioned for his son to sit there, which he did.

Seems a bit odd for a twenty one year old, hmm…

"Daddy, I have a question... Sometimes my pee-pee gets hard, and when I touch it I feel really good.

Am I getting sick?" Jesus Christ chuckled. "No, honey child. You are growing up,

Growing up…

becoming a man just like your other father and I. It is a natural impulse for you to feel that when you think about girls."

Explaining sex…

"But daddy,

Daddy…

Jimothy isn’t twenty one, is he?

it doesn't happen when I think about girls. It happens when I think about boys like Zachariah, Zebidah, and, uh... and you and Daddy Addy."

Really, Hitler gets a cutesy nickname?

Oh... Oh my..." Jesus was shocked, but he was also feeling something else, too.

‘m guessing it wasn’t restraint or decency.

Something in his robes.

That is almost never restraint or decency.

"Daddy, what is touching me?"

Please be restraint and decency.

Jesus suddenly realized that he was fully erect.

"Jimothy, I had no idea that you were a homosexual,

Stop with the political correctness, you can say fag at this point.

but now that you know I think it's time for me to teach you about making love."

He pushed his son to the floor. His five inch penis jutted from his robes.

With how cheesy the rest of this is I’m surprised it’s not five feet.

"Now I want you to-" but he stopped, because his son had already inhaled it and was giving a blowjob almost as good as his other dad's!

By mistake? Because I’ve seen a lot of things, and a majority of them haven’t been in my mouth. My dog, my dick, my… well those are bad examples, but you get the picture.

"Oh, oh Jimothy!" Jesus shouted as he blasted his semen in his baby boy's mouth.

Remember that sentence. Remember that sentence and weep for humanity.

Before his son could spit his daddy gift out Jesus hauled him to his feet and shared a deep tongue kiss with him.

And that one. Also remember that one when you have too much pride in the species.

When they went to go to wash together in the tub, they saw an imposing figure standing in the doorway. "Hitler!" gasped Jesus.

Huh, usually it’s people seeing Jesus in unusual places, not the other way around.

The Six foot five figure in the doorframe trembled with the titanic rage that is characteristic of his race.

I won’t take the racism bait, but I don’t think Hitler was quite that tall.

"Jimothy. Go to your room." "but-" "I SAID GO!" The boy scrambled to his bedroom, still dazed from his experience.

And we never saw him again.

"Hitler, I'm - I'm so sorry." Both men were crying now. "Why?" begged Hitler. Jesus couldn't look his husband in the eye. "Addie... when I was a boy... Joseph did the same thing to me!" Jesus sobbed.

Raping it forward, way to go Jesus.

"That's how I was turned gay!"

Seems legit.

At first Hitler froze,

not knowing what to say to this revelation. He could see how vulnerable the Lord was at that very moment, though, so he sayd "C'mere, kiddo,"

Might want to choose a different word Hitler.

and gave him a hug "Don't worry, we'll get through this... together." He smooched Christ. "I love you, Jesus. I'll always love you, no matter what. Jimothy? Jimothy, come here!"

Jimothy came in the room and they all exchanged chaste hugs and kisses, then went out for ice cream.

The end, it’s about damn time.

Chapter 4

Hold on, what’s this… fuck. This isn’t over, it’s… it’s still being written.

This is the latest entry to my multi-chapter epic,

Just because it’s long doesn’t mean it’s good, I direct you to My Immortal and My Inner Life.

which deals with bigotry and religious intolerance.

Through example?

As before, all of the characters featured in my story are copyrighted and you may not use them without my permission.

Hey Angkras, can I use this? Hello? Well in the meantime I’m going to go ahead and use it, bring on the lawyers if you feel so inclined. And I mean good lawyers, because you’re posting this to fanfiction.net, which in and of itself pretty much discards copyrights. It’s also worth taking into account that me and the rest of the Retributionists are anonymous, so I suppose you’ll also need hackers or investigators. But if you think it’s worth it, bring it on.

After enjoying this you should also view the readings on YouTube, the links to which can be found on my profile page.

I actually agree, you should go have a look.

Now, enjoy!

Now, enjoy!


As evening fell in Jerusalem,

Hopes, dreams, expectations…

the Lord Jesus Christ walked into the living room to find his husband pecking away at the typewriter.

Some might question what a typewriter is doing around the year zero, but maybe Hitler brought it with him.

"Hitler, will you finally tell me what you're writing!" The Furor glanced up at Jesus.

“Oh, nothing, just a short story about cupcakes.”

"I'm writing a new book." He handed over the stack of completed pages, and the Savior put on his reading glasses and zipped through them in no time. "honey, this is fabulous!

Huh, no time wasn’t an exaggeration. Jesus is an incredible reader or the book is a couple of sentences long.

But it needs a title. Do you have one yet?"

“My Immortal”

… What? Sergeant Sprinkles and Tara might not be quite as bad as Hitler, but I have my struggles too.

Hitler leaned back in his chair before answering. "So far all I've been able to come up with is 'Mine Kampf 2', but it's not very catchy."

It would catch people’s attention though; a sequel written several generations before the original.

"Hmm. One of the kids at the daycare has been saying "bible' a lot.

Alright, I’ll give you that one Angkras; the Bible being written by Hitler is hilarious, no matter how astronomically improbable it is.

I bet that would stick out at the bookstore!" He started giving Hitler a back rub. "Mmm, you've done a good job. Good jobs deserve good jobs."

Gee, where could this possibly be going?

His left hand reached around Hitler's waist and grasped his exposed, engorged member.

But the Lord was too eager for this one-sided pleasure. "I need you inside me," he announced. Before things could get any hotter, there was a pounding at the door.

I can’t tell if this is a euphemism or not.

"Jesus! Jesus, open up! It's your diciples!

Still not sure.

We just wanna talk!" Hitler and Jesus exchanged shocked looks. Jesus thought he'd given them the slip at Gethsemane, but they'd finally tracked him down.

After the Furor reluctantly let them in, they crowded Christ. "Lord, we're going to try something new that'll fix you."

If he’s broken, why are they following him?

As the disciples began laying hands on the Lord, he giggled. He was a very sensual person, and enjoyed being felt all over, but all the pleasure vanished when Peter shouted "Lord, we cast the demon of homosexuality out of thee!"

Wait, what’s--

Well that was weird, I-- I feel different.

As Jesus shrieked, Hitler shoved his way in. "Get the hell out!" he shouted. "All right, that's enough! Get out of here, you bigots!"

After more shouting and shoving, the disciples found their butts

out on the sidewalk,

Alright then, go on with this totally acceptable premise Hitler and Jesus falling in love.

and although they mumbled and glared angirly at the Furor, they walked off into the darkness. "We'll pray for you both!" one of the men called out.

We’ve already seen God in this story, I don’t think he’ll be too keen on helping.

He went back inside, where the Lamb was laying on the floor, sobbing. "I-I thought that after all this time they'd accept me..." Hitler held him in a tight embrace. "Don't worry, honey pop. I'm here for you. I love you, and you're beautiful and wonderful and so damn sexy.

In case you forgot, this is what Hitler, the guy saying all of this, looks like. He also wrote the Bible.

You said you wanted me inside you. Well, so do I." The two men shared a tender kiss.

Chapter 5

Author's note: welcome to the latest chapter in this epic romance about two star-crossed souls.

Star crossed? I think they hit it off pretty well, and nobody’s trying very hard to stop their love. I agree that they should be star crossed, but in this story things are fucking peachy.

This epic chapter will teach readers about the dangers of "western" medicine

Do they even know about the west yet?

and the power of faith to overcome any challenge.

I have faith that this will all be over soon.

This story and its characters are COPYRIGHTED, so if you steal them you will be in deep trouble!

I know this looks a lot like your story and characters, but it’s actually just a very similar story… that isn’t yours.


Hitler an Jesus were slowly walking up the Temple steps. "Hitler, I'm scared. Are you sure this is safe?"

“It’s alright Jesus, we’ve gotten away with worse.”

The Furor looked him in the eye, and smiled that charming smile of his. "Of course is it, baby. I got it done, and look how healthy I am!"

Yup, I’m sure Jesus will live a very long and not crucified life. Who knows, he might even get to live two lives where people totally don’t kill him.

He tousled Jesus' blond hair and led him up the last few steps. "I really need your help, Jesus. I just elected Nasi of the Sanhedrin and if my new health initiatives don't pay off I might lose in the next election, so to show evereyone how much I trust it my beloved has to get a shot!"

I am now confused for far more reasons than before.

When they walked into the court of the moneylenders there was a booth with a sign that said "FREE VACCINME" in Latin and Hebrew.

Were the typos also in Latin and Hebrew?

A man dressed in white with a huge needle stood behind it and held it up when he saw Hitler bring his hubby. The doc lauched insaneoly as he jammed the needle into the veins of the Lamb, filling him with the mysterious concoction. Jesus sobbed as he felt it burning through him, but he endured.

Yeah, but it’s not the first time he’s sobbed as he felt it burning through him.

"I've taken bigger things" he said, then winked at Hitler, who giggled.

Hey, you leave that to me Angkras.

Then, suddenly, it was finished. "Now you are immune to all diseases" said the doctor.

Is this going to be like the death of Balder, where they keep going until they find the one thing that actually can kill?

"Thank you very much" said the man with the Iron WIll as he shook the doctor's hand, but then he noticed that something was wrong. Jesus was moving his head in a weird war and was making strange sounds.

Koala moans?

Suddenly, he jumped out of his chair and started running around and knocking over the tables of the moneylenders wile shoutning "den teefs!" Hitler was shocked by this behavior and whipped around to the doctor. "What have you done to my lover!" he screamed, grabbing the doctor by the lapels and lifting him into the air

I don’t think Hitler was that strong.

(Hitler was really strong).

Oh, okay then.

The doctor could only shake his head, but Hitler knew. It was the vaccine.

After Hitler managed to catch Jesus and drag him home he started crying. He loved the Lord so much, but could they ever live a normal life together noew that the Annointed One was turned into a retard?

Hitler walked over to his husband and planted a kiss on his luscious lips.

It later blossomed into a beautiful facepalm.

Somehow the message got through and Jesus laid back, but when Hitler took off his toga and attempted to penetrate him he kept making weird faces and twitching, making compulation impossible.

And what’s making spellcheck so impossible?

"Oh Lord, I wish there was some way to fix you!" He embraced Jesus and suddenly his hands started glowing! The glow filled the room and when it faded the messiah was normal again.

Well that was convenient.

"Hitler, I can't believe it. You cured me! You have the power to heal!" "I was given this power by the power of Love" said Hitler.

Hitler is healing people with the power of love, and this is the kindest photo of him that I can find. Am I the only one beginning to think that Angkras is taking some creative liberties in this story?

He looked at Jesus in the eye again. Jesus' gaze was steady. "Let's do it," said Jesus. He laid back down and spread his legs. They made hot love all throughout the night and at the end of it both men were glistening.

This all seems more like a Family Guy esque cutaway joke than a full blown series. But where Family Guy is clever and hilarious, this is ridiculous and yet still somehow run of the mill.

At dawn the furor and the lord watched the sun rise with their arms around each other. "Jesus, I don't care if I lose the next election. My movement is taking off. I think I could win a seat in the Roman senate, but I can't do it alone." Hitler turned to Jesus. "I want you at my side as campaign manager." Jesus looked up at him. "Hitler, I'll follow you into hell if you asked." Hitler grabbed the jug of olive oil from the nightstand. It was going to be a long morning.

Thank Regular Ol’ Jesus, it’s over. And by over, I mean there haven’t been any more updates and I don’t feel like waiting for them.