Review #158

Pieces

Story by RayThompson1994

Review by Ray




This story is by Ray Thompson. No no, not this Ray Thompson. If you want to see my writing, check out CYOESFP.

Pieces, on the other hand, was written by RayThompson1994 of Wattpad.

So to reiterate:
RayThompson1994 the Wattpadeer ≠ Ray Underscore Thompson the Retributionist


Chapter 1, The beggining

Misspelling the first chapter’s title, what a way to beggine.

Like any story this one has characters and I shall introduce them to you.

 

First we meet Sophia a young teenage girl who had troubles in her past. See she had been in a terrible relationship and had grown to fear trust and itmacy because of this.

And evidently, Ray-1994 has a fear of spellcheck.

 

She had never been able to talk to anyone easily about her past or been able to come to terms that nothing was her fault and thay she had never done no wrong.

She had built her walls so High that not even the green giant Could look over to see if she was alright.

This review brought to you by green beans, I guess.

All of this will come into play later in the story.

Ah. Just one question.

 

If this was going to come into play anyways, why did you tell it to us now? It would have been much more convincing character development if you had shown these traits in action, rather than spewing them out all at once with no context.

We now meet raymondo who had also had troubles in his past with relationships and people.

Hm, I wonder who RAYmondo is based on. Come on now Ray-1994; at least when I inserted myself into my story, I had the decency to change the name.

He was also a very shy person Who had forgotten how to trust and how to love.

So here’s something weird; I don’t completely hate these character descriptions. The idea of a giant trying to check up on Sophia over her metaphoric walls gives us some neat imagery. I also like the idea that rather than having something traumatic happening to him, Raymondo has simply kept to himself for so long that he’s forgotten how to human.

 

However! Dropping characters on us without giving them any context is a risk, and in most cases, it’s a needless risk that doesn’t pay off.

He to thought the world was full of pain and hurt.

Now as I say all this will come into action in the story later on. This story is how these two people came to meet and how they came to fall in love and beleive in happiness once again.

Hey Yellow, get in here!

What? Why? Oh god, the writer’s name is RayThompson1994? I swear, if you wrote another story about vampires, I’m deleting the internet so that we never have to read it.

Nope, this is a different Ray Thompson. I have accounts under this pen name that existed before his account on wattpad was made, but I get the impression that Ray Thompson is his actual name, so if that’s the case then he might have had it before me.

Ahem. Was there a point to you dragging me into this?

Oh, right. This is a love story, so I need somebody here to argue with.

 

I’m getting out of here before another rave materializes out of fucking nowhere, see ya.

Chapter 2, where we start

Like any story we should start at the beggining and we shall.

  1. You didn’t start at the beginning, you started in a sceneless void of character description.
  2. In Medias Res exists, and contrary to popular belief, it’s not a Harry Potter spell. It’s actually a trope, wherein a story starts after the beginning.

We start our story on a night not to different from tobight.

Raymondo was at home scrolling through Facebook like he did most nights when he decided to look at his suggested friends.

The phrase “suggested friends” just gave me a 1984-induced stroke. That’s not even the story’s fault, but damn.

As usual it was full of people that he had never heard of or seen in his life but on this night one person Caught his eye in particular.

Was the person named Caught? Because I see no other reason for that word to be capitalized.

This is where he saw her name Sophia and something about this name Caught his eye it made him think it made him decide that he should click on this name and add this girl.

He didn't know what it was that drew him to her but he knew he had to speak to her.

“Yes, indeed. Some nebulous, indefinable, abstract quality Caught his interest.”

He clicked on her profile and added her there and then.

He waited nervously to see whether she would accept his friend request or not and she did.

“She had troubles with trust and intimacy, which she could never… ooh! A friend request from a stranger! Accept!”

The next step for him was to think what to say to her whether he should just say hi or something more see he had been single for quite a while and his last relationship screwed him up. He was scared of being rejected so he thought of his words for along time and decided to one with hello...........

If he also included the eleven-period ellipsis in his message, that might come across as somewhat creepy………..

Chapter 3, The coverstaion

Wanna try that again, Ray-1994?

So raymondo had said hello he waited for her reply sat there anxiously and the finally a ding she'd written back.

His face lit uo he'd never been happier than someone had spoken to him.

He could not describe the feelings that he had at this time he felt like a little boy at Christmas opening his presents.

 

“He couldn’t describe it! Here’s a description anyways!”

Raymondo and Sophia got to talking and hit it of straight away for some reason Sophia felt like she could open up to raymondo immediately she told him all about her past and all that had happened to her in the past.

And now we have a problem. A problem that comes up a lot in amatuer writing. In fact, this comes up so often that I’ve made a few graphs to demonstrate what the problem is.

 

This is the ideal flow of character traits. First the writer pictures the character with a certain trait, then they show us an example of the character having that trait, and then we know the character has that trait.

 

But then telling comes along. In addition to showing us a character trait, sometimes the writer will also say, “Trust me, this character totally has this trait.” Which is fine, but it doesn’t affect the reader’s head-canon nearly as much.

 

And then we have this graph. The amatuer writing graph. The graph where the writer will tell us about this trait that a character has, but then show the same character with a completely different trait. Notice how in this graph, the writer’s canon never connects to the reader’s head-canon. That’s the problem we have here.

Raymondo could relate to what she was saying Because he'd been in a similar relationship.

Immediately thoughts ran through both their heads thinking was this meant to be were they meant to meet were they meant to be together.

This contrived setup sure seems to think so.

Neither of them said it from the start because they weren't sure if each other felt the same way.

Raymondo was trying his best to wooh this girl he told he played guitar thinking that she would fall in love with him instantly becaise everyone loves a guitar player the only thing he hadn't taken into account was you had to be a good guitar Player.

Debatable.

She told him she loved to draw but she werent very good and he told her he loved to draw to but he also weren't very good. They spent hours Talking to each other till finally raymondo managed to build up the courage to ask to meet her.

She had told him that she playedrugby and he smoothly said were have to play a game sometime and she smoothly told him only if he plays guitar for her.

Careful, Ray-1994. Smoothly is getting pretty close to My Immortal’s sexily.

They both agreed that they would meet but this was easier said than done.

For what raymondo didn't know was that Sophia had protective parents and becaise of past relationships the doors of her Kingdom were locked at seven o clock everynight so no evil could get in and hurt her.

So schedule the rugby match for 6:00?

For a while Sophia saw this as a bad thing and thought she was being treated as a child and this upset her a lot and made her feel like she could not be trusted.

At that moment just as she thought the two of them would never meet she came up with a cunning plan like the ones you see in cartoons she would try to take over the world

 

well for now she would trick her Parents the world could wait till later.

She would tell them that she was going to a sixth form party when really she would meet raymondo........

That plan is so practical that it just might work.

Chapter 4, The meeting

The night had come that our tow characters would meet each other for the first time.

They'd be texting all day when they got chance between college and school. They had both gotten so nervous both thinking what if they don't like me what if they don't turn up what if........

Time had seem to drag that day every minute felt like a hour and it was only sixty minutes more till he would meet her for the first time.

 

Oh my god this is Romeo and Juliet. Raymondo is all heartbroken over his previous girlfriend, who we shall now call Rosaline. Then as soon as he meets Sophia, he completely stops caring about Rosaline and convinces himself that Sophia is the girl of his dreams, despite knowing her for all of a few hours. To top it off, their parents are trying to stop them from getting together, so the star crossed lovers have to sneak away to meet in secrecy.

 

I’ll hand it to you Ray-1994, this isn’t the worst version of Romeo and Juliet I’ve read. But, quick heads up; you might want to take a second look at how it ends.

Raymondo had become so nervous that she wouldn't come he added her to make sure and she said she'd be there even though he'd heard the words he still did not beleive it.

Now raymondo was not someone who would liked to be late it may of been from watching the white rabbit so much when he was younger or the fact that his mother was the same or he was just afraid of missing something.

So he'd decided he would get there earlier and surprise her when she got there. Now he knew this girl was special already because he'd spent two hours getting ready and hour just trying to pick out clothes to meet her in.

omg clothes no way that is so interesting please tell me more /s

Now what raymondo didn't know was Sophia was the same she hated to be late for anything and as tonight was so special she didn't want to he a second late she'd be ready since five o clock and was just waiting for her friends to pick her up
         

Now back to raymondo he'd just gotten of the bus in town and thought he can't show up without a gift and flowers

Why the fuck not? Granted, my experience with dating isn’t exactly the norm, but I doubt she’ll be offended if you show up empty handed.

would not do it maybe he thought it was a bit to serious or a bit cheesy so he asked her what she liked to drink and bought her favourite drink for her.

That sounds more reasonable, well played Raymondo.

He got the drinks and walked to the place where they would meet his hands were trembling he'd never felt so nervous even when he had to do a PowerPoint in front of the class in college he did not feel this nervous.

Huh. Solid analogy, but with all of the faux drama going on, I had just assumed these characters were in high school.

He got there at half five and planned to meet at six the minutes past so slowly six o clock rolled around there was no show of Sophia he started to worry what if she wasn't gonna show what if he'd been stood up was this to good to be true.

So um, learn how to sentence. On the list of things you should learn, sentencing actually comes way before the nuances of showing and telling. My bad.

He texted her and asked if she was coming she promised him told him that her friends were running late.

I can tell that this relationship will be healthy in every way, and that Raymondo couldn’t possibly become a meme. Now excuse me while I put up a completely unrelated meme.

 

Was she gonna turn up were they gonna meet...........

Not every chapter has to end with a megallipsis, just throwin’ that out there.

Chapter 5, Time to take the leap

Raymondo had been waiting now for forty minutes on the promise that Sophia would be on her way he had seen more and more people turning up to the party

Wait, there actually is a party?

 

he was thinking in his head had she'd already arrived and seen him and pretended like she werent there.

Everything was running through raymondos head at this time and as it was getting later he started to loose hope but he knew this was to special and even of he needed to wait till midnight he would.

But that’s when her carriage will turn back into a pumpkin!

 

Then the text came through Sophia said she was on her way. The excitement in raymondo could not be described by words at this point

It probably could be, just not by any words that Ray-1994 felt like putting together.

she was finally gonna be there they would finally meet.

Ten minutes later a car came past and this was the moment that raymondo caught the first glimpse of the person he would fall in love with

Spoilers! Although I am immensely grateful for the fact that they will fall in love, as opposed to them already being in love. Like, that’s not even sarcasm, I really am glad that Ray-1994 isn’t cheapening his words by abusing them early on.

as she saw him ducked down her friends pointed over at him.

This was it there was no turning back now.

Raymondo took a deap breathe and walked towards where the car had gone. Sophia texted raymondo to tell him her friend would walk her to him.

Okay?
         

This made raymondo even more nervous what If the friend didn't like him what if she didn't like him and she turned around and walked away or even worse just laughed at him. His hands started trembling he could feel his voice going shakey and then he saw her...........

It was the most beautiful site that he had ever seen she was wearing a grey and black dress with her hair down and a small handbag and her eyes lit up the night. Raymondo thought he was so underdrsssed he was in a shirt t shirt

A shirt T-shirt…

 

Maybe? I mean, am I close?

and jeans and looked like a long haired hippy.

Oh look, something that Ray-1994 and I have in common.

He was thinking in his head she's way out of league she's way to pretty as he approached her and her friend they finally stood in front of each other her friend opened her mouth and said the words " I don't mind going back to prison"

 
         

Raymondo stood there stunned not sure whether she was serious or joking not sure what to say

Oh look, another thing that Ray-1994 and I have in common.

Sophia just laughed and told her bye and that she would be alright.

Finally the two of them were left alone raymondo Opened his mouth and out came a present puberty voice

Yeah, thought so. This is middle school or early high school, not college.

it sounded like a cross between scooby doo and twetie pie. Sophia laughed and they walked on........


Raymondo was so nervous he weren't the most confident person but even this was shocking for him he was trying to make her laugh and make her smile anyway that he could. Looking back on this now Sophia must of thought he'd escaped from a mental institute.

Yet for some reason, against all of her trust issues, she trusts him.

 

It’s probably the guitar.

Either that or this guy was Peter pan a really big child.

Sophia was also nervous she to didn't know what to say they walked to the band stand that was in the park near by.

When they got they got there they started to talk more. There nerves started to get a little better raymondo kept to edge closer to Sophia she could see exactly what he was doing but she didn't move away.

Raymondo wanted to put his arm around her so bad but he didn't know how she would react so he managed to pat her on the shoulder as I may have told you before he wernet the smoothest of people.

“I may have told you before. As the narrator, I can hardly be bothered to keep track of these details.”
         

Raymondo felt like he could tell Sophia anything he started to talk about his past but he would always make a joke about it and try to make it a funny situation even though Sophia could see right through this.

 

Alright, how many things do Ray-1994 and I have in common?

They must of stood and talked for what seemed like hours neither of them wanted it to end they wanted to talk all night they decides they'd go on a walk to the shop near by and then go sit by the river because they didn't have a lot of time left before Sophia would have to return to her Kingdom.

*The House of Capulet

Sophia picked a bench by the river and asked raymondo if he was going to sit down by her at first he sat a little distance away and then Sophia shuffled up close to him and this was the moment where they both knew that they felt the same about each other.

Sophia wrapped her arms around one of raymondos and cuddled up Close to him and as he looked into his eyes

Maybe he’s looking at his reflection in the river?

and he into her he got a big

Careful…

flurry of butterflies in his tummy

 

and cuddled into her.

At this point the whole world disappeared around them all they could see was each other and the Stars in the sky it had truly been a perfect night and it was such a shame it was coming to an end. They sat there together for what seemed an entirety till they knew it was time that Sophia Needed to go.

The two of them walked back to the place where they had first met thay evening

Wherever that was.

and they waited by the side of the club

Ah, two words: the club. Was that just impossible to mention earlier?

because raymondo could not be seen by her mother becaise of the plan they had set up.

Sophia looked around nervously not sure if her mum would pull up and see her. Raymondo knew he needed to take his chance and if he didn't in this moment he knew he would regret it he tapped her on the back and brought her in close and kisses her ever so softly on the lips and to his surprise she kissed him back.

“Wait, you’re actually into this? Oh. Well that’s kind of a turn off. If I’m being honest, I was hoping you’d slap me or something.”

All his dreams had come true

He should get bigger dreams. Or maybe not. Do whatever the fuck you want Raymondo.

he had met he most beautiful woman and had kissed her and she had kissed him back he knew he had to see her again and that he couldn't let her go easy.

The kiss had ended and sophias mum had text to say she had arrived Sophia hugged raymondo tight and promised she would text when she got home and raymondo would do the same.

She walked away and raymondo stood there thinking about the whole night he stood there for ten minutes and then started to walk around............ .

What an exciting note to end the chapter on: standing and then walking! Walking!

Please let me know what you think so far

 

Never written a book before

 

or a story

Leave a comment and let me know if you liked it :)

It wasn’t the worst. Not especially good either, but not bad enough to make me want to read the rest of the chapters. Basically, this: