Review #150

Introspection Round 3

Story by The Retributionists

Review by The Retributionists




Sometimes we must ask ourselves, "Why are we qualified to critique fanfiction? What makes us the authority on retribution?" To answer this question, we wrote and reviewed our own stories, like we do every fifty reviews.


Hello all of you literary sadomasochists and welcome, to the third round of Introspection. This time around, the prompt was to write a sequel. It could be a sequel to something we reviewed, or a sequel to something any one of us wrote for a previous round of introspection. So gentlemen, shall we begin?

 

...I’m...not started yet.

I’m not gonna write one.

 

 

I’ll multitask.

 

Ya, get to it Hent. Team Sex Doctors is counting on you.

I try my best… this just isn’t the time.

Quantum Immortal, by Team Fluffwrights

Since when does My Immortal have anything to do with physic- ohhhhh.

 

We’re bringing it all in for #150.

Ebony cried sexily in front of the crowd that had gathered in the common room.

Not nearly enough spelling mistakes, does she have her editor in this one?

[Editor’s Note: God I hope so.]

She just wanted to go to slit her wrists with her friends

We put in a random “to” to make sure it still had some semblance of shitty writing in the story.

Yup, that’s totally why. In fact, if you see any typos, they were completely on purpose.

Suspicious...

while they watched Shark Attack 3 and Saw 2 and did it with Draco. But alas, she knew that she had to do something more important.

All at the same time? Do they have two TVs?

Split screen is on the rage in Hogwarts.

And don’t blame us; this is literally how the first My Immoral ends, but with better spelling and basic English grammar.

Wow, you guys are worse at spelling then My Immortal?

I can’t wait to get to your story.

But I didn’t write a…

 

“ABRA KADABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” she shouted.

Generic, but I like the use of the 1’s, nice touch.

For a moment, everybody in the common room stood in place. Snap looked to Lupin.

 

Draco looked to Vampire. Then they all looked sexily at Ebony, who stood in the middle of it all, where she had pulled a guitar out of thin air.

“Accio Guitar!”

Naturally, Hogwarts anticipated some type of madness to follow. But it was impossible to be prepared for the sheer insanity that was about to unfold.

Doesn’t mean we can’t try! Hent to the bunker!

 

Shit! There is no escape!

Ebony screeched the first lines of Helena, and Hogwarts descended into dementia.

Why do I get the feeling that Mart is going to diagnose all of us with this?

Ray and I practically got dementia from writing this.

Really? I would never…

 

Vampire disappeared, and then reappeared, and then his scar turned into a pentagram and he started moshing with his owl Hedwig, who was now a vampire called Shadow Dust B'lack!ness Evil Demon Dragon Hitler for some fucking reason.

 

This is where I would do a Verisimilitude Rant if I had the slightest clue as to what was going on.

And it only get’s better and better as it continues.

There was hardly a single person in the common room who wasn't fluctuating in and out of existence, moshing to Helena, and having a ridiculous name.

“What's the worst that I can say?

Things are better if I stay

So long and goodnight!

So long and goodnight!”

Draco danced gothically with Willow, causing Ebony to cry blood and scream even louder. Draco and Willow began morphing into demonic versions of themselves. Draco’s eyes took notice of Willow’s soft neck as they transformed, and without warning, he bit into Willow’s neck making her cry out in pleasure. Draco sucked out all of Willow’s blood until she fell to the floor dead.

RIP Willow, we hardly knew thee.

Dropping Willow’s limp body, Draco danced gothically to the music again. Only a second had passed before Willow was alive and dancing with him once more.

And welcome back to the living Willow, we still hardly know thee.

B’Loody Mary listened to the irritating yelling coming from her best friend Ebony’s mouth. Inspired, she took a razor out of her pocket and stabbed it through her arm, going straight through the bone. Instead of ravaging in pain like a normal person,

Wait, there are normal people in this universe?

 

she then picked up a microphone that was randomly placed on the floor and started to sing along with Ebony.

“What's the worst that I can say?

Things are better if I stay

So long and goodnight!

So long and goodnight!

DumblyDore

DUMBLYDORE!!!

  

and Voldemort looked at each other, the same confused as fuck looks on their faces as they watch the entire room go up in uproar. “We must stop that bitch before she destroys the entire world!” Dumblydore declared.

Dumblydore Is so cool, he gets his own font. 

“She’s already infected the others,” Voldemort noted. “Why are we not affected though?”

“It seems we are immune to bullshit,” Dumblydore said, and then he added, “Sorry for swearing so much; I have a headache! Now quick, fucking kill her and end this once and for all!”

“It can't be done!” Voldemort insisted as he watched Diabolo shove a raw steak into his wrist. “I've tried to kill her with muggle weapons, wizard weapons, and vampire weapons, but they’ve all been useless! The plot simply won't allow this magnitude of Mary Sue to die!”

“The plot?” Dumblydore questioned, raising an eyebrow. “I have just the spell!”

“What's the worst that I can say?

Things are better if I stay

So long and goodnight!

So long and good—”

“Plottholious Ardagus!”

 

 

Mart, cut back on their drugs. Or give them more. Which ever works better.

Voldemort made a sitting up and feels many train under him go bubump bubump bubump! Rubbing of his head, he ask, “Dumblydore, where have you taken us!”

“Of many a station wheeling!” rudely interrupt Thomas.

Who’s Thomas?

With the way this story is progressing, it’s the Tank Engine.

[Editor’s Note: That’s right Hent! Fluff and Ray hate me, so they’re making me keep track of their absurd references. To understand this part of the story, see review #17! To understand how they got here, see review #20, or just read the next two lines!]

They have way too many running jokes. Isn’t that right Waifu and Yellow?

 

Don’t bring me into this.

Voldemort and Dumblydore was sit at train.

“This spell takes us to a new universe each time it's cast,” says Dumblydore. “Maybe one of them will have a plot weak enough to kill even the grandest of Mary Sues!”

 

Ray: Hay Fluff, I have an idea for a story.

Fluff: What is it?

Ray: What if we jump all of the sharks?

Fuff: Perfect.

…Did you hack our chat?

We need better security.

We use to! But then Ray said that I wasted too much of the company's money on automated animatronics and made me sell them to some pizza joint.

“Let us hope you are right,” Voldemort say. “Speaking of, where is she anyways?”

There at caboose was Ebony! Her guitar danubed to Dubai, and her tears sadding, she takes a meat and makes a steaking into her heart!

I didn’t understand a word of that, I think it’s working.

Blood drips on floor as the Mary Sue look at Dumblydore and Voldemort. Ebony make hissing before running away from two. Voldemort and Dumblydore chase Ebony the way to end of train.

Ebony look back to see Dumblydore and Voldemort corner her. She swing her electrics guitar to make them not come close! Voldemort grab guitar but Ebony kick Voldemort in nutts. Voldemort loss grip and Ebony runs past!

“That bitch kicked me in the balls,” cry Voldemort, cradled on the floor.

“Come on, pick yourself and your non-existent balls up and help me capture her,” Dumblydore moan.

Suddenly! “I am many electrics,” say Electric Train, “And you are obselete!”

Ebony made a jumping on Electric Train, and Electric Train fastly away!

 

 

 

I thought you and Martin took that at the beginning of the review?

I don’t take the drugs I prescribe.

“Come on!” Dumblydore shout. “We have to catch her, this universe isn't working!”

Wise words Dumblydore, wise words.

Voldemort made a groaning on the grounds, and Dumblydore sighing to no nose man. Then Ebony danube a spell! Sexily she appear in front of Voldemort who have cideo camera, and she shout many a perving at no nose man!

“Is she infecting this universe too?” Voldemort questioning. “Can she do that?”

“It doesn't matter! Plottholious Ardagus!” Dumblydore danubed.

Dumblydore and Voldemort found themselves in what looked like a castle, if castles were made of obsidian hyperoctahedrons, and obsidian was made of lasers. The stained glass windows' art depicted the bloody battle between a hellchicken and a fire-breathing whore.

Is there an image of all this?

 

 

Perturbed by the sudden disappearing act of the gothic empresses Ebony, Dumblydore and Voldemort looked through the void that was and always has been the Castle of Lost Sluts. The castle was fortified atop an island, and the island was a binary system of quasars, and the quasars were the leftmost cell of the rightmost testicle of the lowermost rape ape.

That sounds harder to find than the lost city of Atlantis.

Dumblydore and Voldemort turned a corner and unearthed the blood-coated tramp in the middle of a sanctuary of skeleton rectums. Ebony stood in the middle of the gnarled chamber. A satanic shrine laid behind her, the vulva encompassed monument making Dumblydore look away in disgust.

Getting past the impossibleness of the structure, it sounds somewhat intriguing.

[Editor’s Note: To understand this part of the story, see review #28!]

Beneath Ebony’s moldy, putrid feet, a demonic symbol covered the ground. Ebony began to recite an alien verse from a subterranean melody. Ebony’s bonely hands abruptly enveloped in fuckfire.

Is that giving a fuck fire or not giving a fuck fire?

Binary states do not exist in this universe.

“The pussy takes out her claws,” Voldemort spat unholy blood.

When did Voldemort get blood in his mouth, and how is it unholy?

Asking and answering question will only make more questions.

“It doesn’t matter,” Dumblydore scaft. “If this bitch can use this universe’s logic, so can I.” Fuckfire began to surround Dumblydore’s hands as well as he walked over to the wicked enchantress.

Now that must be not giving a fuck fire.

Voldemort sneared in acquiescence. “Falicus Lumbus Destructicus!” he throatblottled, and a groinsaw manifested at the pallid sorcerer's grotchgroin area.

Groinsaw, I gotta start writing this stuff down…

 

Modern medicine will never be the same after we’re done.

Voldemort stood erect akimbo to Dumblydore, prepared for the Margaret Stuly's fuckery.

“Crookshanks!1”

In a flash of conflagration Voldemort snapped to the floor, which was not a floor, but an infinite series of remote controls with the batteries in the wrong way. He screamed in the agony of one billion million sheared yaks being vivisected and having their biological structures arranged from most to least resemblance to the midsagittal intersection of a fetal martian facial structure.

If this is how you read My Immortal Ray I envy you.

Actually, I’ve never read My Immortal without blacking out on Fukitol first. I’ve read it dozens of times, and I’m still not sure how it ends.

“What the hell are you doing you motherfuker!” Dumblydore lamented. His intestines had become his outestines, and his feet had become his head, and his fuckfire was lost to the endless ocean of the rape ape tri-testicular binary quasar system.

“It's no use!” Voldemort thought quietly to himself, because his lips had been transmuted into an ultramarine duck.

Eavesdropping on his confederate's nonverbal assessment, Dumblydore cursed, “Plottholious Ardagus!”

Dumblydore opened his eyes to see himself in a bed. He looked to his right to find Voldemort sleeping. “Wake the fuck up you motha-fucka,” Dumblydore said as he  pushes Voldemort off the bed, awakening him.

Voldemort stood up quickly and Dumblydore got up from the bed as well. “Where the hell are we now?” Voldemort asked.

“It seems we’re in an apartment.”

Did we just break the 4th and 5th wall?

“But whose apartment?” Voldemort asked. The two wizards suddenly heard a door unlock in the other room, and they raced to the closet. “Move over you fatass, you’re too big!”

“That’s what your mother said to me last night in bed,” Dumblydore quipped. Voldemort nudged Dumblydore in the ribs, but they quickly settled down when they heard two girls talking.

 

Drugs have worn off. Where am I?

Somewhere you don’t want to be.

“That was such an easy fuckin' heist,” Yang said, jumping onto the bed.

Oh thats right, I was continuing my Grand Theft Rwby review.

[Editor’s Note: Right again Hent! To understand this part of the story, see review #69!]

What are the odds of Hentai Man having review #69? 100%

“How much money did we make?” Ruby asked.

“I don’t know ask Weiss,” Yang said, her voice muffled by the pillow in her face.

A third girl walked in. “Will you get your filthy blood soaked clothes off my bed!”

“Easy for you to say Weiss; you already lost yours on the chase back!” Yang countered. It was true. Weiss was hardly wearing anything at all, and what little remained was poised to snap off at any moment.

 

I don’t know why I took drugs but I like where I ended up! All my lesbians are in a room and are about to get naked! It’s almost too good to be true!

Remember kids, when you take drugs, naked lesbians will suddenly appear in your room.

Oh hay Fluff. You want in on my Review?

Can I bring my fursuit?

All forms of sex are welcome here...But stay away from my ass.

Alright I’m in, and don’t worry, I don’t like oranges.

“Hey, I have an idea,” Ruby said, with a slight grin on her perfect red lips and a twinkle in her beautiful anime eyes. “Let's have a naked lesbian pillow fight!”

 

 

“Hey ladies, don't start without me!” a man in an orange bowtie called, walking into the room.

I’m cannon!

 

“Oh Henty, let me be your wiafu,” Ruby said, crawling to him. “I’m sure I’m perrrrfectly qualified.”

“No, I get first dibs,” Yang wined.

“Ladies ladies,” the man said.

 

I always wondered. Is waifu Japanease for wife?

No it is not Japanease for wife. It’s her name silly.

J.T. Sexkik has an educational film on Waifus in general. Excluding Hent’s, of course.

“Don’t get your panties in a knot, I can pleasure multiple girls at the same time.”

Dumblydore scoffed. “On second thought, let's not go to this universe. 'Tis a silly place.”

“But—” Voldemort began, but it was too late.

“Plottholious Ardagus!”

Wait why is Dumblydore and Voldemort in my Rwby story? I don’t understa-

 

I remember where I am.

All good things must come to an end.

 

Voldemort slapped Dumblydore in the face one hundred times. “What the crapshit were you thinking‽”

“Shut the fuck up motherfuker, I still have a headache!” Dumblydore yelled a hundred times, and then he looked around a hundred times at where they were. “Where the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck is Ebony this time?”

The two wizards suddenly came upon a racoon and turtle. Dumblydore walked over one hundred times to the duo. “Have either of you two seen a gothic whore come by here?” Dumblydore asked a hundred times.

Dose Dumblydore have Super OCD?

The Editor can explain it to you a hundred times.

[Editor’s Note: Indeed I can Fluff! To understand this part of the story, see review #101 one hundred times!]

“Sly, who are these people?” Bentley asked a hundred times.

“How the fuck should I know?” Sly asked. Bentley swiftly grabbed Sly by the balls a hundred times.

“What have I said about cursing,” Bentley snapped a hundred times. Sly cried out as he tried a hundred times in vain to rip Bentley’s grasp of his balls. Dumblydore and Voldemort look at each other in bewilderment a hundred times before simply walking away.

I feel like that took a while one hundred times.

Out of the corner of his eye though, Voldemort saw Ebony running away from them a hundred times.

“She's trying to escape, that means this story might be bad enough to kill her!

And us.

She's trying to escape, that means this story might be almost bad enough to kill her! She's trying to escape, that means this story might be almost bad enough to kill her! She's trying to escape, that means this story might be almost bad enough to kill her!” Voldemort said, and then he said, “She's trying to escape, that means this story might be almost bad enough to kill her!” ninety six more times.

We get it!

“Why the bloody hell are you repeating yourself! Why the bloody hell are you repeating yourself! Why the bloody hell are you repeating yourself! Why the bloody hell are you repeating yourself! Why the bloody hell are you repeating yourself!” Dumblydore asked, and then asked, and so forth.

“The shittines of this story is starting to affect us!” Voldemort said a hundred times in fear. “We have to hurry and kill her before we both die!”

Just then, and then, and then, and then and then and then until a hundred thens, Ebony slit her wrists a hundred times, and cried a hundred bloody tears, and sang a hundred MCR songs.

“What‽” Voldemort roared a hundred times. “This is the worst story yet! It's even worse than the train one! How is she still doing this‽”

Dumblydore stroked his beard one hundred times. “Maybe we're thinking of this in the wrong way. Maybe we can counteract the Mary Sue with another Mary Sue!”

“How does that—”

But Dumblydore interrupted him a hundred times, casting, “Plottholious Ardagus!”

One hundred universes later…

Voldemort and Dumblydore, both thoroughly exhausted by this point, found themselves in a vast green field. There were no talking trains, no rape apes, no yuri lemons, and things only happened a hundred times when it was reasonable for them to do so. Indeed, the only unsettling thing about the place was its moon. This moon, unlike any moon Voldemort had ever seen, wore a brittle, toothy smile.

Soul Eater?

[Editor’s Note: Not quite! To understand this part of the story, see review #11!]

I actually wished we worked that into the story.

I don’t like this universe. We should go back.

Ebony ran in circles around the field, pestering the local critters with lengthy descriptions of the clothes she was wearing. Most ignored her.

However, due to some presence that neither Voldemort nor Dumblydore could detect, she stopped mid prattle. She turned towards the forests of the south, where after a few brief moments, two horse riders emerged.

Oh no… don’t tell me...they wouldn’t!

They were speaking, and the first discernable voice was the man's. He was dressed all in green, and argued, “But I didn't even know she existed until you started twitching and insisting that there were dark forces in Hyrule. How could she possibly have a crush on me that would jeopardize your kinda disturbing monopoly on my affection?”

 

HOW COULD YOU! RULE #5 IN OUR EMPLOYE HANDBOOK! NEVER MIX MY IMMORTAL WITH MY INNER LIFE!

It couldn’t...be...avoided….blame Ray!

FINE!

 

RAY! SAME RANT!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“We literally drank each other's piss once,” the woman brought up. “How do you not trust everything I say without question?”

“I—”

Both horses exploded, and their riders crumbled to a fine black powder. Voldemort stood with his mouth agape, and Dumblydore doubled over in laughter. Wiping a tear from his eye, the white bearded wizard whispered, “This is going to be glorious.”

Let the fight of the Mary Sues Begin!

 

“Hoo da fuk r U!” Ebony demanded, standing up to the shadowy figure which was emerging from the remnants of the horse riders.

“I M U!!111111!1” Dark Ebony cried sexily, and the two of them stared each other down. “aND NOW YU WIL DYE!!11111117!!!!”

“NUU!1” Ebony shouted, and they both took out a steak. Each began pressing it into themselves, drawing blood from their wrists and hearts.

Voldemort looked on in bewilderment. “What's happening?”

Dumblydore cackled. “They're out Sueing each other! It's the perfect solution! Neither of them will be forfeit any sympathy, and that means there's only one thing that can happen!”

Please say lesbian sex scene with the Grand theft rwby girls, please say lesbian sex scene with the Grand theft rwby girls.

“They're actually going to kill themselves,” Voldemort realized. “This is perfect.”

Fuck!

Hours passed, and the two Ebonys' cardiovascular systems were bursting with uncooked steak. It was a long battle, and neither had stopped sexily crying tears of blood for a second of it, but it was nearing an end. The final moment approached; one more steak, and they were both done for.

But as each prepared to insert the final steak, they froze. They turned, in unison, to Voldemort and Dumblydore. “OMFS WTF R U LOOKIGn AT U PERVS!11”

Oh shit they know!

“Oh, fuck!”

“Plottholious Ardagus!”

“Phew!” Voldemort exhaled. “Where are we now?”

“We are at Hell’s doorway,” Dumblydore said. “In this universe, everybody is powerless… everybody is bland and stale.”

Dumblydore and Voldemort turned to their right where they saw Ebony, her shivering cold body beginning to freeze as her power drained steadily.

“What place have you brought us?” Voldemort asked.

“The only place I knew for certain Ebony’s gothic powers could be canceled out, once she was weak enough to obey this universe’s rules,” Dumblydore said. “We are at Hogwarts School of Prayers and Miracles.”

Blessings!

Gesundheit.

“....You bastard….,” Ebony wheezed.

“Don’t be angry at me Ebony,” Dumblydore said. “You forced my hand, as much as I wanted to avoid this abomination, this was the only location I could think of that could stop you once and for all.”

Ebony slowly looked around her surroundings. The three of them were in the courtyard of Hogwarts, but it felt different. A sense of distasteful happiness flowed through the air.

“What have you done to me!” Ebony screamed. Blood began to leak out of her nose and mouth as she dropped to her knees.

She should be good at that.

“Look around you Ebony!” Voldemort yelled, victorious. “There’s nowhere for you to run and hide. No more MCR for you to play, no more Draco for you to make out with.”

“It’s the end of the line bitch,” Dumblydore confirmed. Ebony turned and tried to run away, but a young boy suddenly blocked her path, and Ebony winced in complete fear at the sight of Christian Harry Potter.

“Hello young lady,” the boy said softly. “Are you in need of prayer?”

That final word was the last nail in the coffin as Ebony’s body turned to dust and evaporated to nothingness.

Who knew it was that easy.

We should have done this sooner.

The young Christian Harry Potter ran away in fear as Dumblydore and Voldemort looked down upon the dust that was Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.

“It’s finally over,” Voldemort said.

“Indeed it is,” Dumblydore nodded, walking away. “Now I can get my money.”

“What?” Voldemort looked back to Dumblydore. “What money? Don’t tell me you were paid to kill Ebony.”

“What if I was,” Dumblydore said, waving his hand goodbye. “Goodbye Tom, it’s been nice hanging out with you.”

“Wait,” Voldemort said. “At least tell me who paid you to kill Ebony. Who was it?”

Epilogue One

“60, 70, 80, 90, 100 monies for you,” Ray says, handing a roll of cash to Dumblydore. “It was nice doing business with you.”

Dammit Ray you can’t pay 100 monies to the character you created.

 

“I wouldn’t say doing business,” Dumblydore says. “Just me taking care of a certain mother fucker and getting payed to do it at the same time.” Dumblydore walks out of the room, passing Warnuts on the way.

“You actually had to pay someone to kill Ebony for you?” Warnuts asks.

“Who was it that had to have over 5 parts to finish one review?”

“I’d love to see you review a fifty fucking chapter fanfic!” Warnuts yells. “And I mean besides the one you’re about to tell me you did. By the way, did you see where my 100 bucks went? I swear I had it in my pocket, but now it’s gone.”

 “Nope, haven’t seen it.”

Epilogue Two

"Gah, do they even know what they've done?" Snape mumbles, sitting in a hot air balloon with a Mexican seven year old and a talking monkey. "I warned them about that spell. I warned them!"

Theorizing that one could travel universes within his own lifetime, Professor Severus Snape stepped into the plot hole—and vanished. He awoke to find himself trapped in Teletubbyland, facing mirror images that were not his own, and driven by an unknown force to change fiction for the better. His only guide on this journey is Yellow, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a phantom that only Snape can see and hear. And so Professor Snape finds himself leaping from fic to fic, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap… will be the leap home.

So what color is Snape? We seem to be running out of those.

Epilogue Three

Hentai Man is sharing a bed with Ruby, Yang, and Weiss, when Blake walks in, accompanied by a fairly tall woman.

“Hey, I found this girl outside who wanted to join us,” Blake says. The three other girls and Hent sit up from their naked pillow fight.

“Sure,” Ruby says. “Hey new girl, what’s your name?”

The new girl blushes. “Oh, well, you can call me Volde… Voldefinitelydoesnthaveapenis.”

Hentai Man slowly nods. “I like this girl. Come on over and have some fun with the H-Man!”

 

Epilogue Four

"And these will actually work?" the lieutenant asks the doctor.

"Yup! The tail is integrated into your spine, and the ears are easy since they’re wired directly into your head. So as long as you don't sneeze, there's only like, a fourteen percent chance of agonizing nerve damage."

"I like it, when can we start the surgery?!” the lieutenant asks.

"I put on my robe and wizard hat."

 

~Fin

ifall in love 6ish, by Warnuts

This is Warnuts’ story. He was too busy having a life to join us for the review, but he did leave something for us to critique in the most fair and mature manner possible. Gentlemen, prepare your “Ha, gay!” gifs.

Wait, we’re allowed to have lives?

 

 

Okay, so here we are again folks so lets just get into it. So when we left our lovely couple Carly had just caught them doing the nasty

So far it checks out, that is where iFall in Love left off.

"SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" screams Carly as Sam's mind goes blank.

Along with Warnuts’ when he wrote this.

"Carly, I…" But before Sam could even think of a response Carly spoke again. “WHY ARE YOU FUCKING SPONGEBOB!?” “Wait a minute, why does Carly know your name Spongebob?” ‘Oh shit, this is bad. The only one missing from this is Sandy.’ And poof just like magically she appeared.

Fucks Given: 0

“What in tarnation where am I… Spongebob, what are you doing!?” “Well shit… So I’m guessing an orgy is out of the question?” Spongebob ask still inside Sam.

 

It was quiet for a long ass time, just staring at each other. “Why the hell not.” Sam, Carly, and Sandy said together. So both Carly started to take off her Pajamas, and Sandy took off her underwater suit She slipped her fingers under the band of his underwear, sending a fresh jolt of arousal through SpongeBob as air met his desperately throbbing member.

Warnuts, when did you learn how to erotica?

 

They grow up so fast.

Sandy, Carly, and Sam  took a moment to refocus his attention on her face, for which SpongeBob was desperately grateful.

Okay, maybe ease off of the adjectives a little.

Her stare was intense and hot. She pressed one hand against his bare cock, staring at him with purpose. SpongeBob’s expression twisted into the loss of control he was feeling,


 

but he maintained eye contact, managing nothing more than small gasping noises.

 

“You are the most amazing person in my life,” Sandy, Carly, and Sam whispered.

All at once? Did they rehearse this?

“I want you to know that.”

“I…I can’t believe…” SpongeBob was panting. His physioligy

 

screamed at him to get it on, while at the heart he wanted to burst into tears. There was no way this was really happening to him. It was amazing and wonderful and terrfying and fantastic.

Or just rape us with adjectives, that’s cool too.

These adjectives are amazing and wonderful and terrifying and fantastic.

“Sandy, I have never wanted anything like I want you. Not money, not friends, not success, not even the Krusty Krab, have anything on the way you make me feel every day. I–oooooahh…” He melted again beneath her touch. She drew him into a kiss, and SpongeBob stopped resisting. He moaned and pulled her close to him, wanting to feel her body against his.

So how exactly do they kiss? One breathes air and the other breathes water, so I’m pretty sure at least one of them has to be wearing one of those helmets. SIR, I doubt the verisimilitude of your polyspecies debauchery suspended upon motives which are ill-explained and err on nonexistence, and am presently compelled to ponder whether you intentionally disregarded the mechanics of mammalian to calcareous oral contact or—

 

I finished my story! What did I miss?

 

Warnuts wrote a sequel to iFall in Love, and I’m doubting the verisimilitude of it.

You’re this far in and you are only now doubting it?

 

Sandy, Carly, and Sam let out a slight whimper, grinding against him just enough to let him know that she was in the same state as him.

Washington, if I remember correctly.

More like Denial.

Through some miracle, SpongeBob mustered the bravery during their kiss to reach around her and unhook her top. She moved, never breaking mouth-contact,

 

just enough to let him remove it from her completely. When they again parted, SpongeBob felt his mouth finally go dry.

 

Her breasts shone before him, perky and pale and perfect. He gingerly reached out to touch her, savoring the sound she made when he did. Her hands again found him, and he felt himself thrusting against her touch, unable to think beyond her exposed chest before his naked form and her hand touching and stroking and making him crazy.

While Hentai Man is appreciative of this well written sex scene, I was told this was a four way between two hot teens, a sponge, and a squirrel. Why must you deny me of what was promised?

Her voice was barely audible now, like a siren on a stormy night. All she said was, “I am going to make you scream.”

“Imma make make make you scream, make you scream make you scream!”

“Make you scream one hundred times Baby!”

SpongeBob could think of nothing more appealing.

Come on Spongebob, just use your

 

She came closer to him, smothering first his mouth with her own, then moving down along his body, taking his hands from her torso and pinning his wrists to the sofa. She proceeded to kiss him everywhere except where he desperately wanted touched;

Adding the adjective desperately doesn’t make the audience feel desperation.

 

his chest, his hips, he resisted giggling when her kisses fluttered along his belly, tickling in the best way possible.

Could it be the fur that is tickling him?

Hm… come on Lieutenant, this looks like a mystery for Team Fluffwrights to solve! Alone!

“Sandy, Carly, and Sam” he moaned,

Well at least he can use commas and conjunction words while cumming.

both loving the restraint and trying desperately to break free of her grasp, just to hold her and to coax her forward.

He attempted to break free of her grasp… so that he could hold her?

Verisimilitude Status: Doubted

He wanted to be big spoon. Verisimilitude Status: Slightly less doubted.

“Tell me you love me.” She muttered.

“I love you,” his response was a mere whisper. Her kisses moved, lower and lower, until she was just between his legs, and she planted a frustratingly gentle kiss beneath his balls.

This would probably be hotter if his balls weren’t porous and yellow, but that’s just my preference.

You know the internet eats shit like that up for breakfast.

Tis true can confirm.

“I love you!” he cried, writhing and cursing the cushions beneath him for being so unyeilding. “I love everything about you! Your eyes, your smile, your laughter. You are the smartest, sweetest, most beautiful—aaahhh!” SpongeBob’s breath caught in his throat when a soft tongue suddenly emerged from Sandy’s mouth,

  

slicking up his dick and stopping just before the end; SpongeBob shuddered and gasped.

“I have wanted this for so long…you, I mean. This is better than any—oh!”

Jesus SpongeBob, learn to finish a sentence when you start one.

Her tongue again, but this time she took him fully into her mouth, tonguing his tip. Incoherent sound escaped his lips and his fingers curled into fists, straining against her grip as she blew his mind and his member. SpongeBob cried out, tension building and heat beginning to pool low in his belly. This wasn’t going to last very long, and he wanted it to end, but he never wanted to stop feeling her cheeks hallowed around him, and sweat was beginning to bead on his forehead,

Why does a sea creature need to sweat? I’m sure it happened in the show, but I’m just sayin’.

and his hips were rolling now in symphony with her mouth and heavens what was she doing with her tongue and–

Sensations built and grew until, between his inability to move and the sensation of the woman he loved absolutely devoting herself to him in the most intimate way possible,

Yeah… it’s intimate, but let’s not go too overboard.

SpongeBob felt a heat like he never had before, and he was doubled over, hands now gripping at Sandy’s , Carly’s, and Sam’s wrists,

Wait this was a 4 way?

 

fireworks exploding behind his eyelids as he screamed his lover’s name in utter pleasure and bliss.

 

Never before had the world felt so small, so insignificant compared to the amazing things happening to his mind and body.

A sponge fucking a two teens and a squirrel can indeed make the world feel small and insignificant. It can also make it feel disturbing.

He couldn’t control the sounds pounding their way from his throat. It lasted forever but ended instantly,

Because oxymorons = deep.

and within seconds the sponge was slumped against the couch, and her lips were still gently caressing the last of his orgasm out, his hips mildly spasming against her touch.

“Oh…wow.” He muttered, looking at the beautiful creature before him.

Of all the people in the room, you're the only thing that can be called a creature.

“You…that…wow.” he couldn’t even begin to articulate the way he felt at that moment, so he instead took Sandy into an embrace, breaking free of her hold and kissing her passionately.

“…that is the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me.” He said.

Spongebob hasn’t lead a very glorious life has he?

It was the squirrel’s turn to blush,

Where’d the other two go?

and she climbed back onto the couch to snuggle against him, pulling the blanket up. Despite already being plenty warm, SpongeBob didn’t resist.

Because sponges are notorious for being warm all the time…

 

Her closeness and warmth were all he ever wanted to feel. “All I wanted to do was show you how much you meant to me.” She said.

SpongeBob couldn’t help but laugh. “All you needed for that was a card or something. That…” he looked at her, nothing but warmth emanating from his sapphire eyes. “That was something else.”

Card ≠ Sex, that seems pretty far fetched. Can we get our research team to confirm this?

That sounds like a lot of work.

 

Shit just got real.

And no I didn’t just googled a Spongebob and sandy fanfic and just added , Carly, and Sam whenever Sandy’s name appeared.

 

 

Hm, pretty suspicion, but probably just something in my eye?

Well time for the main attraction. I hope you like it. I spent most of the hour I set aside to write it, working on it.

FUCK IT!!!!

 

   

Hent? What just happe-

 

I’m taking your office.

 

“Man. Marts’ office sure is nice. I should have blown mine up ages ago. What do you think Waifu?

You did that on purpose?

What ever do you mean? I was continuing the cannon.

So was I…

 Image result for illuminati

*Insert BWWWWWWAAAAAAA sound effect here*

BWWWWWWAAAAAAA

Hent looked at the pillow he had tucked under his arm. It depicted a scantily clad anime character that was smiling back at him while giving a thumbs up.

And so Hent’s waifu was born.

“Thanks Waifu, you’re always so supportive.”

Hent sat down at Marts former desk with Waifu in his lap. He then took out a small flag from his pocket and placed in on the desk, forever claiming it as his. The flag depicted a pair of white and blue striped panties with a tentacle about to go up it.

 

Satisfied with his conquest, Hent looked around the room. It was a fairly large office and it was filled with drugs. (Get it?

 

Ah, the return of the geddit finger. Thank you Hent.

A classic is a classic.

Because Mart’s a Doctor ;) The only thing that really stood out in the office was a waist high table with a small flask on it. The on the flask was a note. Being mildly interested, Hent walked over to the flask and picked it up. The note read:

Doctor's diary entry #143.3 and a half.

 

 Uh oh.

        I finally did it. After years and years of “Recreational” drug usage, I completed my shrinking potion! Time to get the camera and videotape my discovery for the scientific community!

“So Mart did something useful for once? How nice of him.” Said Hent as he drank some of the plot device and gave the rest to Waifu.

“Don't touch the phlebotinum!”

After a few seconds; Hent and Waifu began to shrink to the size of an - (AN: I couldn’t think of an object to compare their size to so lets just skip ahead to the Alice in Wonderland shit.)

Hent I think you should get a refund on that plot device drink, I think it’s a dud.

It’s fine. Mart left his wallet in his office.

Jokes on you, I’m broke.

Jokes on you, your now in debt to the mob.

Jokes on you, you’ll be paying with your waifu.

 

Hent happely skipped down the small rode in the forest after the White Rabbit, (because this story was written in 1865 and racism was still allowed in books that you must read in school.)

 

But god forbid there are wizards involved. Any book with wizards clearly needs to be banned for the safety of the children.

Just as he was about to have all the drugs wear off from earlier in the review, he spotted the White Rabbit about to enter a castle.

Luckily for Hent, it was June and we all know what that means!

A link in the middle of the story? Excellent use of your medium!

 

Hent looked down at Waifu. She was still giving the thumbs up to him. He then flipped Waifu over. On the other side, she was in full combat armor and in her outstretched hand was a sniper rifle. Hent took the rifle and patted her on the head. He then performed the most insane quickscope

 

Hent, Waifu kicks ass.

Behind every successful man is an anthropomorphic pillow that embodies all of his desires.

 

of all time on the White Rabbit.

Lucky Waifu happen to be recording his amazing skill and Hent soon went MLG. With all his troubles and bad fanfiction left behind him, Hent and Waifu took a rickshaw into the sun set.

The end.

     

 

 

Shout out to all the fans that actually read our content. Keep up all the comments and feedback. And we’ll see you, in the next 50 reviews. Bye bye!