Review #144

Brotherly Love

Story by Baee20

Review by Ray




Wattpad. Romance. Fanfiction. Justin Bieber.


❤️Chapter one❤️

Emoticons in the chapter title, what a professional way to start.

Jason's p.o.v-

And outright telling us which perspective we’re in, even better. Can we get some confusion over the fundamentals of English punctuation, just to top it off?

I just figured out that I had a brother.I bet I'll hate him.He seems annoying.Right now I'm in an orphanage.And guess who's coming to get me.My own mother.Pattie.I think they said my brother's name was Justin.Even his name sounds annoying.

Perfect.Absolutely perfect.I don’t know how somebody could fuck up something so simple,but since this is Wattpad,I wouldn’t have it any other way.

"Jason Bieber."The announcements came on.I grabbed my things as I walked out to where my mother stood with a frightened and nervous smile on her face.I guess she heard the news.

What news? That she has two sons? I feel like of all people, she’s the person who should already know that.

My hobbies are blowing things up,killing people,and robbing banks.No surprise really.It's what I do.

 

Gary Stu Counter: 4

"Hey,baby boy."Her sweet innocent voice spoke.She walked over towards me to me give me a hug.Surprisingly,I didn't back away.She's my mom and she's getting me out of this hell hole,so I should be thankful for that.

Are we ever going to address how somebody with a living parent ended up in an orphanage? No? Alright then.

"I'm so sorry."She cried.I didn't comfort her.I just let her hug me.Did you think I would have hugged her after what she did to me?Nah.I want her to feel my pain.

Developing an attitude before developing a character?

Gary Stu Counter: 5

"Stop crying."I said and finally had the balls to push her away.

Masculinity trumping compassion? Jesus Jason, slow down, we’re not even done with the first chapter yet.

Gary Stu Counter: 6

"Please,don't be upset."I shook my head as I looked at her in disgust.

I jogged towards her car and threw my luggage in there.

“Stop crying you stupid bitch, and thanks for the ride, and go fuck yourself.”

Once I did I jumped in the front seat and buckled up." I am so so sorry."

You know what? Not bad. Just for admitting fault, I’ll take away one of those Gary Stu points.

Gary Stu Counter: 5

She wailed.Now I feel a little bad.

Oh, of course. She was the one apologizing.

Gary Stu Counter: Fuckit

I finally managed to pull her into a big hug.

Too little too late, Jason.

"Shh.Don't cry." I kissed her forehead gently and let her get herself together again.

“I let her get herself together again by being a total dickwipe, and then acting like it’s okay to turn it around and be incredibly intimate with her the very next second.”

She zoomed off and here I go.A new home and a snotty family.

I somehow doubt that the irony there was intentional.

_________

Special WARNING:

 

All of your favorite celebs will be included and so will you!

In my book

"The text message that changed everything".

 

The book should be under "works". I've completed a few chapters but I can't continue until I get some people to feel out the information below.

Oh, I see now. By “book,” he means ten pages’ worth of rambling that was never proofread. But, if he needs my help to complete it, then I’d be glad to assist.

Just leave a comment that looks like this:
               

1.)I would like to play a girl named (what you want your name to be in this book)

2.)I want (your fave celeb) in this book

3.)tell me how you want to act in this book.

A)A bitch.

b)cute and sensitive

C)A cool nerd

D)attention whose

E)Miss understood

F)Goth

H)Girly girl

I)Active

J)calm

K)Cheerful

L)Bossy

M)Emotional

N)Decisive

O)Aggressive

P)Annoying

Q)Abusive

R)Artistic

S)Ghetto

4.)I want (whoever you have a crush on) in this book.(OPTIONAL)

  1. I would like to play a girl named Ray Underscore Thompson, who despite wearing purple, is in fact a dude.
  2. I want Elvis Presley in this book. I actually want him as far away from this bullshit as possible, but since you asked for my favorite celebrity, there you have it.
  3. I want to act like I’m a well developed character who can’t be accurately summarized with one adjective. But, if you insist, probably b.
  4. I want… on second thought, I plead the fifth.

EXAMPLE:

1.)I would like to play a girl named Lola

2.)I want Nash Grier in this book

3.)I want to act Ghetto and aggressive

4.)I want Dakota Walton in this book.

Hey, quick question. Baee20, if you’re capable of creating characters for yourself, WHY IN THE EVERFUCKING FUCK ARE YOU MAKING US DO IT‽

Inbox me or leave it in the comment box!
               

Everly Hart is a troubled girl.Her parents send her away to a camp for bad troubled girls like her.She has secrets and a past that she thought could never effect her.One day,she notices how wrong she was to do the things that she did.But,what happens when she receives a text message that changed her life forever?

So in case you forgot mister/misses author, we were actually in the middle of one of your other stories here. A story which is somehow longer than the book you’re currently promoting.

It was one small text,but after that she changed her ways quickly.
               

She may not seem scared,but on the inside she's terrified.

the book should be under

How was it?!

You’re book? I don’t fucking know! You haven’t finished it yet!

Next chapter coming up TONIGHT!If you're new to my account make sure to check out my other stories.

 

❤️Chapter two❤️

I walked into my new home.The house wasn't quiet at all.There are so many people here."WELCOME HOME JASON!"I rolled my eyes and walked upstairs to where my room was.

How did he know—

Exactly where she said it'd be.

Oh. Well it’s almost like we should’ve gotten that information first.

I carelessly,threw my stuff to the ground and laid on my bed.
         

😍Justin's p.o.v😍

Yes, that’s right ladies and gentleladies; this story used emoticons that were so stupid, Google Docs refused to display them.

 

I ran upstairs to meet my older brother.I'm actually really happy.I can't wait to meet him.

Don’t be.

I silently opened his door with a creaking sound.

Silently. Creaking sound. That is all.
         

"Get out."He growled.So,I have a wolf brother.

Oh?

It’s a metaphor.

Oh.

"Hi."I squeaked."Leave."He groaned as he placed a pillow over his ears to block my voice.Haha,no one can block this cute voice forever.

To be fair, this probably is the kind of obnoxious shit that goes through Justin Bieber’s head.
         

I jumped on his bed and laid beside him."I love you,Jasey."

Oh good, I’m so happy that these characters have bonded enough to say they love each other. They’ve known each other for at least ten seconds, so it’s totally reasonable that they would feel so strongly about one another.

[Editor’s Note: This is sarcasm! Ray thinks he has the authority to decide what is and isn’t love in works of fiction, just because he—]

Let’s do the readers a favor and just never go there.

He shook his head."Get away from me.Where's my older brother at?"
         

The oldest is Alex.Unfortunately,he died in a car accident."Is he dead yet?"Jason chuckled."Why are you laughing?"I ask."Because I hate him."I tilt my head like a confused puppy.

And I extend my middle finger like a person who’s pissed off about this abuse of quotation marks.

"He's an ass hole."
         

Jason laughed again.He must be really happy."Leave."He demanded,but I just stayed in place.

Wow, Justin Bieber is trying to be the center of attention. Let me cross that off the list of things that never surprised anybody.

"Mama!"Jason yelled.After all these years he's used to calling her "mama".

So remember how it explicitly said that we’re in Justin’s point of view right now? Even if that last sentence did make sense in this story, why the fuck would Justin be the one who knows that?

I heard her footsteps approaching.
         

😡Jason's p.o.v😡

You know what would be cool, is if there were some way to write from everybody’s point of view. Boy howdy, that sure would save us quite the headache if such a point of view existed, which it doesn’t.

This is weird.I hate my little brother,but not like I hated Alex.He was annoying ass fuck.He pushed me around when I was little.

Wait, so he grew up with this family, and then went to an orphanage, and then got taken back in? Well I take it back; Jason is still terrible, but the mom isn’t exactly the sympathetic character she was at the start.

As you can see,when I was smaller,I would look up to Alex.He was all I could look up to.
         

I don't understand why I am able to call my mother a mother when she left me.I don't understand why Alex was an ass to me,and I don't understand why Justin loves me when he doesn't know any of the things I've done in the past.

Such as blowing things up, killing people, and robbing banks? Yeah, I could see how that might put a damper on the relationship. What Jason doesn’t know is that Justin has also committed his share of atrocities.

"What's going on?"I pointed at the confused little Justin laying on my bed."Justin.Manners."She walked over to me and placed a kiss on top of my head as I pulled her onto my bed and kicked Justin off.

Trust me Baee20, we’ve reached our Oedipus quota.

[Editor’s Note: It’s true! See reviews #108, #122, and #140!]

"Mama."I snuggled my head into her chest.I am certainly not the cuddle type of person,

 

but this woman knows everything about me.Even though she never had the time to listen to my bullied stories,she sat down and listened anyway.
         

The people around me today are the reasons why I am who I am today.

I’m sorry to hear that.
         

"Shh.Jason."She hugged me tight just as a tear escaped my eyes.I quickly wiped it away,remembering Justin was still on the floor.
         

"Justin,go lay the snacks on the table and yes,you may have some Ice cream."I couldn't see,but I know he had finally left.
         

"You know you're older brother Alex isn't really dead,right?"

 

I groaned."He's on vacation with his girlfriend and he should be back by tomorrow."

I nodded."I don't want to see him again."I admitted.It made me feel rude.
         

Oh, that made you feel rude, alright.

"He changed a lot.You know he cried when I took you away?He did.He meant none of the things he said.He loved you.He still does."
       

This scene might be touching if I actually cared about a single character in this story.

It took me by surprise.How the hell is he not dead yet?!Mom said he changed so that better be the truth.
         

"Come on."She got up and held her hand out."I wanna stay in here."I mumbled."They're bringing a new bed in here.You're welcome to sleep in my room."She smiled at me and walked out with me following behind her.

Oh for fuck’s… Hent! Fluff and/or Martin! We’ve got another motherfucker story!

Her room was right next to mine.She opens the door and lets me in."I need you to get some sleep.I know you're tired."She brought my head down to her's and planted a kiss.
         

I was an inch or two taller than her.

Of course you were.

"Ok.Thanks for bringing me back."I plopped down in her bed and snuggled up against the warm covers.
         

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How was the second chapter?!!!!!Good?Ok?AMAZING?!

Slightly better than the first, but we’re a long ways from amazing.

Comment ✌️

I don’t care for this story.

Vote 👌

As an American, I shall honor my country and do no such thing.

Follow 👍

The Retributionists on Twitter? We don’t have one yet, but once we do, everybody should totally take Baee20’s advice.

Thanks 🎀

np bruh

❤️Chapter three❤️ (Alex in photo)

 

So that’s Alex, I guess. Why did Baee20 decide that Alex’s photo was the important one? I have no idea, but it gets weirder. Get a load of this author’s note.

A/n:

Jason Bieber-2009 Justin bieber

Justin bieber:12 year old bieber

Alex Bieber:Cameron Dallas

 

Try to comprehend this. Seriously think about it. First we have Justin Bieber from the past playing the role of Justin Bieber in the present. Strange, but fine, I could live with that. Next we have a more modern Justin Bieber playing the role of his own fictional brother. Together, these two things would be more than enough of a mindfuck.

 

Yet it gets worse. We have internet celebrity Cameron Dallas playing another Bieber brother, which wouldn’t be completely off the walls ridiculous, IF JUSTIN BIEBER DIDN’T ALREADY HAVE A REAL BROTHER. I shit you not; Justin Bieber has a brother named Jaxon and a sister named Jazmyn, neither of whom are mentioned in this story. Instead we get the fictional Jason and Alex, which are actually more realistic names than Jaxon and Jazmyn, and—

 

Let’s just move on.

----------------------

My eyes popped open immediately,looking at my surroundings.Looking over to my left my beautiful mother sat.

 
         

I didn't want to wake her up so I steadily got up out of her bed and walked to my room where I saw my annoying ass brother.
         

"Get the hell out!"I spat.His eyes slowly opened and he was laying on my brand new bed."Ugh!"He puts on a cheesy smile.
         

😜Justin's p.o.v✌️

 

Constantly switching between two points of view could be a useful device, if it weren’t for two main things.

  1. It’s overdone
  2. It’s not integrated into the story

Everyone and their fanfiction writing grandma can announce when the perspective changes, and in certain amateur writing circles, people aren’t shy about doing so. It gets old fast. To make it more bearable, there has to be an actual reason for you to bounce between characters. In other words, it has to serve the plot in some way that isn’t just a copout, and the plot has to facilitate the perspective shifts in return.

I wonder why he hates me so much.

Come on Baee20, I don’t hate you. Honestly, of all the stories we’ve reviewed, I’ve only genuinely disliked two of their writers. What I do hate is this story, and I don’t think I’ve been shy about explaining why.

What did I ever do to him?"I'm going out."
         

I was about to follow him when he put his bare hands up to my chest and pushed me into the ground."Quit following me,stop going into my room,stop pretending like you care."

 

Stop pretending like I care?Pulling myself up from the ground,I looked at him confusingly.
         

"I do care.You're my ol-"Before I could even finish my sentence I was pushed into the ground again."What's your fucking problem?!"I yelled.Tears were brimming in my eyes but he just walked away as I sat there crying.He's just Alex.So hateful to me.

So here’s something that’s bothering me about this; the idea of the story isn’t terrible. The interactions between the brothers and the way they play off the mom really could lead to something decent. The only problems are:

  1. The fact that it’s about Justin Bieber for no goddamn reason.
  2. The general confusion around punctuation. Seriously, if you plan on writing, you should probably get that one figured out.
  3. The perspective shifts.
  4. Characters bashing the reader over the head with exactly how aggressive or sensitive they are in any given moment.
  5. The emoticons.
  6. How the plot is introduced. If you start off by being confusing as fuck, it’s not exactly easy for readers to catch up.

Alex doesn't like me.And now Jason doesn't either.What did I do that was so bad?

Well, let’s start here.

I just typed to love them.

Can… can that even be called a typo?

I got up on my feet again,feeling a little more dizzy."Yo!Justin!"I looked over to see my best friend Chaz."Hi."I said blankly.

“Hm, how can I escape this plotline that was almost going somewhere… Quick, new character! Save me!”
         

"Was that Jason who just stormed off outside?"I nodded."Hey,what's wrong?"He says worriedly.I just shake my head and smile.
         

"Justin.Where's Jason?"My mom came out with a puzzled expression."Out."She hates one word answers.Oh well.
         

"Like....where?"I just shrugged.It always gets me outta long ass conversations."Go find him.We have to head out to Atlanta.So,y'all won't be going to school for the whole week."

 

Pick a plot! Hang out with your friend, talk to your mom, find your brother! I don’t care which one, just do something!

Chaz just chuckled.I have him a smile.I've always had a crush on Chaz.

 

What can I say?!He has absolutely got the looks,he is so cute when he looks lost,and he is kind.

I approve this OTP, but mostly because I know that the real Bieber would hate it.

 

We've been best friends forever.
         

"I'll see you after this whole week of boredom.Wanna help me find Jason?"He nodded cutely.
         

Awww.I just love to have him around.

 

Not the fact that Justin likes him, but the way Baee20 told us. We just learned that they’re best friends, and that Justin is crushing on Chaz; of course he’s going to like having him around. That sentence is probably the second most pointless thing in this story, topped only by Justin Bieber being in it in the first place.

This is going to some week with Jason.I'm used to being bullied a lot.At least I have Chaz and Christian.

Who’s… nevermind, I don’t care.

"Is Jason nice?"I shook my head."Why?"I was unsure if I should tell him about Jason pushing me."He just acts a little bit like Alex."

Okay, seriously, what the fuck is Jason’s backstory? Did he grow up with the family? Did he not? It wouldn’t even bother me so much if it weren’t so inconsistent.
         

He nodded."That must suck."He answered."It does."
         

We kept walking and picking up random conversations.About a half an hour later,we run into Jason....who was smoking a cigarette?

OMFG the guy who blows things up and kills people and rob banks and is a dick to everybody is also smoking a cigarette no way…

I sprinted towards him and smacked it out of his hand."Get the fuck away from me!"Jason brought his hand,but when he tried to hit me I saw Alex.
         

"Alex!"Flinching,Alex came over and rolled his eyes."What?"
         

👊Jason's p.o.v👊

Of course. This story is literally fisting us with emoticons.

When I saw Alex my eyes widened I forgot I was supposed to be seeing him.

I pulled my hoodie over my head and quickly walked away,hoping that Alex didn't have a chance to see me.
         

"What the fuck do you want?!"I heard him raise his voice."I-I don't need anything anymore.Jason's back."

Some context for this dialogue sure would be nice. That way, you know, we’d actually know who the fuck is talking and why the fuck they’re doing so.

Why the fuck would he say that when he knows good and well that me and him don't get along?Even if mama says he's changed,it could be a lie.
         

I ran back to the house without stopping.I hate him.Why do these things always happen to me?

Hm, do I link to Simple Plan or Weird Al

 

Once I got there I opened the door wide opened and ran into my beautiful mother."What's wrong?You look terrified."I shook my head."I'm fine."

"Well,get all of your things because we're headed out to Atlanta for the whole week.That means you won't be going to school yet."

“We have no context for why any of this matters, but pack your shit, were leaving anyways.”

I smiled at the thought of that,but then again,Alex and Justin are coming.

"Where are your brothers?"

"By the gas station."I ran straight to my room and picked up my things.I don't see why I'm in such a rush.I'll have to see him again some time.

The door knob jiggled.

Heh, jiggly knobs. That reminds me, everybody should click this link, it’s definitely not meatspin.

My heart beat sped up and in came....Justin.Fuck.

That scared the shit out of me.

"Where's Alex?"He thought for a moment.

 

"In the van."

------------

Next chapter is coming up TONIGHT!Get ready!!!!YAYYYY!

Unfortunately, we won’t be reading it. Every chapter beyond this point was so shitty that my usual method of copying Wattpad stories absolutely refused to work. To get them into the review, I would have to chisel each paragraph out of a wall of HTML malarky, and I’d rather save myself and everybody else the pain. And speaking of pain…