Part 3 is here at last. Are you excited? I'm excited.
Welcome back! For those of you who are just joining us here is a quick recap.
A girl moved to Japan, got a magic bracelet, and thinks her friend is going to confess to some guy.
You are now caught up. Roll the intro!
And once I get off my ass, I will eventually get around to editing our videos.
(So, here we go with Chapter 3. This chapter, I hope, develops Tara a little bit,
via the letter she receieves from her friend in New York. Will this friend make a physical appearance in the story later on? Only I know the answer to that, and I'm not telling! Speaking of appearances, my second original character shows up in this chapter, albeit lurking in the shadows. She'll make her first proper appearance later on in the story.)
Stop spoiling your own fucking story! I’m on the third fucking chapter! I’m invested at this point!
Disclaimer- I do not own Kampfer.
Once was enough but I look forward to making jokes about it for every chapter.
Chapter three- Letter From A Friend
I guess there's no need to explain what happened next,
No theres not! You already told me in the author's notes! See? This is exactly what I’m talking about! If even you can see it as a problem, then why can’t you fix it!
since I already did that at the start of chapter 1. You didn't read that part? Then you might want to go back and read it before carrying on. Go ahead, I'll wait.
But!......But!.....You already have the disclaimer!...and you said the chapter name! The authors notes are over!
Done that? Good. So you should now know that I ended up on the floor, about to have my brains blown out.
Thats not where we left off at all! We left off we the chick running OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH. I get it now. We are time skipping to the opening action sequence.
With my opponent about to pull the trigger, I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable. Time seemed to slow down, with meagre seconds feeling like an eternity.
I just wanted her to get it over and done with….. Suddenly, I felt something cold on the side of my head. Was this it?
The cold embrace of death. We meet again.
Hay Hent. So how did the hooker die this time?
Ray’s going to be mad when he finds out that that we have another character for the audience to to keep track of.
Hay Death. I honestly don’t know. It was either the autoerotic asphyxiation or the gunshot to the back of the head. Hey...could you like...take him too? He’s been dead for like...at least a year and a half now.
Sorry Hent. If I take him there’s like...fifty forms I have to fill out about how come he wasn’t taken upon his death, how come no one noticed, and a questionnaire to see if I’m racist for not taking a man of color sooner. Its a hole thing.
"W-what? What the fuck is this?"
My enemy's sudden outburst made me jump, forcing my eyes open. I looked over to see the gun in her hand encased in ice! She tried to shake it off, but the ice was too solid. So that's what I felt just now! But- where did that ice come from? Wait… I thought I felt something- someone, rather.
Alright! The sexy time has come.
There was another Kampfer here! While my opponent was still struggling to get the ice off her gun, I got up and looked around. Whoever it was, she was gone now…..
Never mind, the author hates me.
"Ngggh… Shit…. Didn't know ya had backup… I nearly had ya too…. I'm outta here. But this ain't the end- I'll bust your ass next time, as well as yer friend. Just learn how ta fight next time, cuz yer no fun as ya are right now!"
...just kill her now! Her backup left, this is the perfect time! If you pull the trigger on your gun, the recoil should break off all the ice and you will be at full strength!
Her gun still in ice, the enemy Kampfer leaped away from the scene, leaving me on my own. I fell to my knees, clutching my chest and trying desperately to breathe.
Hent will give mouth to mouth.
I couldn't believe it. I was so close to being killed… But who saved me? Still trembling, I shouted out.
"I-is anyone there? Can you hear me? Where are you?"
No answer. She must have left ages ago. Just who was my mystery saviour?
I wonder if it’s that author created character that she mentioned in the authors notes....could it?
I was in a terrible state after the battle-
If alive and unhurt are a terrible feeling, I don’t what to know how you feel during your period.
if you could really call it a battle...
It was laughingly one sided. I think the a more appropriate word would have been a rape, a slaughter, or a total pwnage of da n00b.
I had already reverted back to my normal form, but I was really badly shaken up. I had to calm down- if my parents saw me in this state, they'd start asking questions- questions that I really didn't want to answer….
Girl: Mom! Dad! I picked up a stuffed toy and it started to talk to me! And then my hair and eyes changed color and I got a sword! But then I was attacked by some other girl after school!
Dad: Honey, I think she found your drugs.
Mom: Now Tara. When a girl reaches you age they start to feel...changes.
Yeah I can see that going over fairly well.
Come on Tara, pull yourself together! Just relax… Take a deep breath. Do another one. That's it…. In and out…. In and out… OK, that's a bit better. I soon turned the corner to my house, but something else hit me- I was really late home.
Much later than usual. What would Mom and Dad say? I had to make something up, fast… OK, I got something. Now, just take it easy, and don't let on that anything happened…..
Mom was waiting for me.
"Tara! Where have you been? Your father and I have been so worried!"
"I'm really sorry, Mom. Some of my friends invited me to go shopping with them, and I really wanted to go. I tried to call you and say I'd be back late, but my cell phone was out of charge. I'm so sorry….."
I call bulshit! There is no way a parent would believe that a teens cell phone would run out of power… ever.
Mom smiled and gave me a hug.
"Oh, is that all? OK, I'll let you off this time, but if your friends ask you out somewhere in future, and you can't contact us, say no to them, alright? And make sure your cell phone is always working!"
Alright fuck it. Your parents will believe anything. I bet if you told them the truth, they would just playfully punch you and say “You kids and your video games.”
"I will. Thanks for understanding."
Mom's hugs always felt so good to me, so loving. It made me hate having to lie to her even more. But it was either that, or "Sorry, but I've become this sort of warrior called a Kampfer, and I must now fight others like me.
You're in Japan now. That stuff is normal. I’m sure they will understand.
I was attacked by one this evening, which is why I'm so late…. You wouldn't believe how close I was to getting killed back there!" She'd probably have a heart attack or something….
"Did you buy anything while you were out?"
Wait a second, there's an idea!
"Huh? Yeah, I did. I got this cool bracelet. Take a look!"
Is the idea of a girl wearing a bracelet, such a foreign concept that it needs a cover story?
I rolled back my sleeve to reveal my bracelet.
"Wow, that's a nice one. Was it expensive?"
"Nope, it was on sale. Last one, too!"
They actually had five others in stock.
But at least I don't have to worry about hiding my bracelet from my parents anymore….
Other than when it emits a bright light, you change hair color, and a big ass sword appears out of nowhere.
"I'm going up to my room." I said. "I need to charge my cell phone…"
"Okay. Oh- before I forget, this came for you in the post!"
Mom handed over a package addressed to me. I took one good look at the handwriting and I knew exactly who it was from.
"Awesome! Thanks, Mom!"
I gave Mom another hug and ran up to my room. Dropping my backpack on the floor, I got my cell phone out of it and attached it to the charger.
Why keep it in your backpack? Seems like a big hassle. Do miniskirts even have pockets?
I hadn't completely lied to Mom- my phone really was out of juice. Probably would be best if I charged it up, just in case.
In case what? In case that girl attacks again? I don’t think it’s going to help you.
With that being taken care of, I turned my attention to the package. Opening it, I found a new book and a letter. Yes! I've been looking forward to this book for ages, but it came out a few days after I left for Japan. I then took a look at the letter. Yup, I knew it all along, it was a letter from Laura Taylor- my best friend back home! I started reading.
Alright. So our two (original characters) are Tara and Laura. I can’t wait to make Lara Croft jokes.
Hey Taz! (I should explain-
Why start now?
"Taz" is my nickname. My friends started calling me that since it was short for Tara.
In what way is Taz related to Tara? And why do you need to shorten a name that is only four characters long? Seems pointless.
That, and the fact that my favourite cartoon character is the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes…)
And here I thought, Hay. Mabby I should make a Tasmanian Devil joke. That would be funny right? No it wouldn’t. Why? Because it’s such an obscure joke from left field and it ended up to be canon.
So far so good. Only got nearly killed once so far.
Damn, I'm still so jealous that you're living there now!
See you say that but...
Hope you've been fitting in well, and you've made plenty of new friends.
I sure have. My new best friend, her name is Akane. She is actually the girl that just tried to shoot me but the audience that hasn’t watched the show doesn't know that yet.
I heard that you're separated from the boys in your new school. Is that true?
Yeah it’s true. But the show is morely about lesbian fanservice. So it all works out.
That really sucks…. Oh, and how are you taking to wearing a uniform? Must have felt pretty weird at first…
That reminds me. Mart! Is that paperwork filled out yet?
Nice! When do we get on the plane?
My flight is in an hour. You however, didn’t buy a ticket. So you have the week off, but you are stuck here.
...I fucking hate you.
You just told me to do the paperwork. Which I did. It’s all in the fineprint.
I will have my revenge Mart...one day.
Empty threats aside, I’m off to science and sex Japanese school girls!
Hope your Mom's getting on OK in her job too!
She is doing great at her new job. I met her Pimp last week. He’s a nice guy. He only slaps her with his non pimp hand.
Some amazing things have happened since you left. Jane finally managed to go out on a date with Steve! Can you believe it?
I like how all the characters that are not important to the story have really dumb and basic names.
After all this time, they're finally together! I'm so happy for them! Sara celebrated her 18th last week too, so we had a big meal at our usual hangout!
Insert joke about Mcdonald's because America.
We had a real blast, but… well… it wasn't the same without you. We all miss you so much….
Really hope you'll come back to see us again soon.
Gotta go for now, but I'll write again! See you soon!
Lots of luv,
I fucking hate you Laura. You started off this paragraph as an...ok character, but spelling love luv? Nope...just nope.
You have two too many xes there.
P.S, I knew you'd been wanting that new book that came out after you left, so we all banded together to buy it for you! Hope you enjoy reading it!
Man. I can’t wait for the chapter that is all about the book. Just can’t fucking wait.
Thanks, Laura. That means more to me than words could ever explain.
Good thing we are reading a 82,883 word story then.
I knew the best thing to do would be to reply, so I got a pen and some paper ready.
Man. Remember when you actually had to physically write things on paper? Those days sucked.
Dinner was ready before I began, so I had to wait until after I'd finished eating before I could start writing. Sitting down at my desk, I started on my reply. Pierced Sea Turtle, who had been watching me from my bed, quickly took interest .
Yay character development?
"What'cha doin'?" She asked.
So the anthropomorphic stuffed turtle is a girl?
"Writing a letter to my friend in New York, where I originally came from." I replied. "Since she took the time to write to me, I felt I should do the same."
"Cool. Is she as bad tempered as you are?"
OK…. Just ignore the disembowelled plushie for now….
Man. That sure added a lot to the story. I couldn’t imagine the story without it.
I’m starting to see why Ray doesn’t like it when authors do that. Not only do We have the word for “Good afternoon” but we also have the “Chan” at the end of the name. If you ever wondered what those things at the end of the name are called, you’re in luck. They are called Honorifics.
Tokyo's great at the moment! Thanks for asking. Don't worry, I have plenty of friends there now, and I'm fitting in very well.
I therefore cast you aside! You are no longer needed! Begone!
Yes, it's true. My new school really does separate the girls from the boys. It's a real drag, I'll tell you that now! It was a little weird having to wear a uniform on a daily basis, but I'm more used to it now. Mom's been doing well in her new job,
She is the highest paid prostitute in the city! Can you believe it?
don't worry about that. She does often work late, but she always makes sure to give me some attention,
I need to go into a different joke folder.
so I guess it's not so bad.
Really? That's wonderful news! How long has Jane been wanting to go out with him? I hope it goes okay for them! Be sure to give Sara a happy belated birthday from me, will you?
Who the fuck uses belated as a normal way of speaking?
I'm glad she had a great day- did she get any cool presents?
I really miss you guys too. I'll definitely be coming back to see you some time, but until then, I'll be thinking of you all, always!
Seriously. A one way ticket to from Japan to America is about $900.00 There is no way you are going to spend that much money on a little visit. Not to mention the cost of a hotel during your stay, food, and the flight back.
As for the book…. You know I love you, right? Thanks so much!
See? I told you. Lesbian fanservice.
One to many xes.
With my letter complete, I folded it up and put it in an envelope, ready to be sent. Naturally, I couldn't tell Laura everything- Not quite sure what she'd think if I told her about becoming a Kampfer, or my near death experience earlier this evening… Great, now those memories are starting to bug me again. And there I was thinking I'd cheered up… I flopped onto my bed, picked up my favourite teddy bear and hugged it, trying to forget about everything that happened today….
You have stuffed animals other than the talking turtle? How dare you cheat on her like that!
Easier said than done though, when a certain something brings the subject up again….
"So? Did you have your first battle today?"
"Shut up. I don't want to talk about it….."
"So you did! Who was it against? Did you kick her butt? Tell me!"
"I already told you, shut up! Just… please…." I started to sob.
That would be a hard no.
"So you didn't win. Oh well, never mind. At least you're still alive. I'm sure you'll do better next time!"
She’s so supportive.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Using my right leg, I sharply knocked Pierced Sea Turtle off my bed and into the small gap between that and my wall. I started to cry into my teddy, which I was now clutching harder into my chest.
You don’t know what the Sea Turtle does to that teddy when you're not home.
And thus marks one of the dumbest lines we have ever written.
"I… I don't want there to be a next time. I never wanted this in the first place…. I wish I never found that stupid plushie!"
That plushie has a name. Racist.
I continued to cry, hoping desperately that my parents wouldn't hear. If they did, they'd want to know what's wrong. Why can't I pull myself together?
I’m no parent, but I think a teen girl having a break down after moving to another country would be expected.
Opening my eyes again, I was shocked to see a familiar glow. Oh hell, there goes my bracelet again….
"What the? Don't tell me I'm gonna transform again?"
"There must be another Kampfer nearby. You tend to transform when there's another one around!" said Pierced Sea Turtle, who had now managed to climb up back to my bed. Now she tells me… I stood up and dropped my teddy. I felt like I was being watched…..
"W-who's there?" I asked in a nervous voice. No answer. Now in my Kampfer form, I opened my window and looked out of it.
So if you don’t want to fight, why not hide instead? If the other Kampfer was just walking down the street and just happened to transform, there is no way they know which house your in.
I couldn't see anyone, but I could feel someone there. I really was being watched! I had the same feeling I had when I was saved earlier-
So you feel safe?
I knew that the person watching me was the mysterious Zauber type from back then! But why was she here? Was she looking for a fight?
That person saved me for some reason… they are most likely here to kill me now.
Looking at the trees outside, I finally saw something- a shadow!
Oh my god nooooooo. A shadow at night time. How strange.
However, she seemed to realise I saw her, and she jumped away, out of sight. She had disappeared again. Who the hell is she? Well, I guess I'm safe, for now…. I sat down on my bed.
And that seen was...entirely pointless.
"Whoever it was, I guess she wasn't in the mood for fighting." said Pierced Sea Turtle. "She must have been trying to get some info on you or something…."
I wasn't listening. What was that mystery Kampfer doing here? Why was she watching me? I looked down at my bracelet.
I’m just going to take a shot in the dark here. Could she possibly be on your team?
"So…. How long before I change back?" I asked. I really didn't want to stay in this form for too long….
"It's kinda random at first. Anything from a few minutes to a few days…. Eventually you'll be able to transform on your own once you're used to it!" came the reply.
"That's no good! I need to be able to transform back right now!"
"Hey, don't look at me. I don't make the rules here. It's all ultimately the Moderators' will!"
Still not good enough…. Just then, I heard the noise I'd been dreading- a knock on my bedroom door, followed by Mom's voice…..
Time to pass off the transformation as Cosplay or for this to end up like Sailor Moon.
"Tara? You in there? Can I come in for a second?"
Shit, shit, SHIT! I'm still in my Kampfer form! I can't let Mom see me like this!
"Uh.. um… Sorry, not right now! I'm… really busy at the moment! Uh- tidying my room! Yeah, it's a real mess!"
I think Mom could sense the panic in my voice….
"But your father said he cleaned it this morning….."
"Yeah, I know, but you know how messy I get! It's a tip now! So… I'll just sort it out, and you can come back in, say, ten minutes?"
I started tapping my bracelet quietly. Come on, you worthless piece of shit, work already!
"Are you okay? You sound a little… on edge."
“OK Fine! I’m masterbating mom! God! Leave me alone!”
"I-I'm fine, seriously! Just give me a little time, and you can come in, OK?"
Now Mom was really starting to worry. Worse luck. And then it got even worse.
"What's going on?"
Oh nonononono…. Not Dad as well…. Anything but that….
"Tara won't let me into her room. She sounds kind of panicked."
"I see. Tara! Open this door now, please!"
"Sorry, I can't!"
"Why not? Tara, your mom and I are starting to worry about you! What's going on?"
“I’m a teenager and I need my privacy! Go away!”
Now I was really starting to panic. Looking at my bed, I saw Pierced Sea Turtle chuckling quietly. Glad to see SOMEONE'S finding this funny….
I’ll admit, it’s rather enjoyable.
Agh, what am I gonna do? Just think for a second. That's it! Why don't I just tell them I'm just trying on a cosplay outfit?
BOOM! Called it.
That'll explain my silvery hair and blue eyes- just a wig and coloured contacts! Why didn't I think of that before? Duh! OK, I'll go with that. Of course, I'll only be able to get away with this a few times, so I'd better hope this never happens again! With that, I opened the door and faced my parents.
"Now, I know what this looks like, but I can explain. I'm just trying on a new cospl-"
Do parents know about cosplay? I think my parents just think I’m weird.
Mom peeked into my room and interrupted me.
"Everything looks alright to me. Why were you so desperate not to let us into your room?"
Huh? No comment on my hair, or eyes? Looking over Mom's shoulder, I quickly saw myself in the small mirror that was opposite my door. I'd returned to my normal self.
Lame. You were going in a better direction with the cosplay excuse.
Stupid bracelet! NOW it decides to change me back….. Why couldn't it have done that earlier? Dad started to speak.
"Did you just say you were trying on a costume? Is it for that convention you want to go to soon?"
“It’s not a costume Dad. It’s a cosplay. One is just dress up and the other is dressing up and portraying the character.”
"Uh… Yeah!" I said. "That's why I didn't want you or Mom to come in. I was sorta getting changed…."
"So that's what it was." said Mom. "Seriously, don't worry us like that again! Anyway, the reason I came up here was to see if you'd finished your letter to Laura. I can post it for you on my way to work tomorrow if you want."
“I’m doing a shoot tomorrow and I have a lot of packages to deliver.”
[Editor’s Note: This is a callback joke! To understand the context, see Chapter 1!]
Oh it’s you. Ray warned me that you may show up.
[Editor’s Note: Yeah, Warnuts wants his own running joke.]
Here’s the problem with that; Our reviews are too dumb to be edited.
[Editor’s Note: You may have a point there.]
Besides, I already have enough unwanted help.
Words hurt you know.
"You'd do that for me? Thanks so much! Here, I've already finished it."
I handed Mom my finished letter.
"No problem." She said. Smiling, she went downstairs with Dad. Phew! That was close. I really needed to calm down after all that… excitement, so I looked in my backpack for my MP3 player. Knowing Pierced Sea Turtle was about to give a cutting remark, I turned to her.
I’m surprised they didn’t want to see the (costume) she was trying to hide so badly.
"Not one word out of you, hear me?"
"Okay, okay. I hear you. I never get to have any fun….."
I found my MP3 player,
When was this made? When was the last time you have ever seen someone with a MP3 player? Do you kids out there even know what that is?
dropped onto my bed and turned it on. Right, no use listening to heavy metal right now… I think some Bach would be most appropriate for my current state.
Honestly, you could have ended the chapter with the “turned it on.” line. But alas, we must know what music she listens to. Lastly, there is no teanager alive that goes to anime conventions and listens to Classical music. I’m sorry, it doesn't happen.
As the beautiful orchestral melody filled my ears, I once again tried to forget about everything that happened today.
Author once again, expresses the will of the audience.
Not that it would help much- now that I'm a Kampfer, I'm pretty much doomed to be attacked all the time. I honestly didn't know what was going to become of me. Forced to fight, but completely unable to do so. I got lucky that first time, but I knew my luck wouldn't hold out. I just didn't know what to do. What I did know was this: Fate really was the biggest dickhead of all…
You lived in America before moving to Japan. You know damn well that there is no such thing as fate.
Alright! Chapter 3 done. 12 more to go! Can you keep up?
Here is your moment of zen.