Review #139

Falling for the demon

Story by anime_freakxo2463

Review by Ray




This was listed under romance on Wattpad. I don't see how, but there are far bigger problems with this one.


Chapter 1, It begins now

It was dark at night as it ever been when I felt conscious I saw this glowing light right in front of me my head kept hurting more and more and the light kept coming closer and closer when it touched me I passed out.

 

That's how you're going to open your story, anime_freakx02463? That's just about the most useless title a first chapter could have, only to be followed up by a sentence that means absolutely nothing to a reader who doesn't already know the context. In a way it's impressive; this story has covered both extremes of the spectrum between too obvious and too esoteric, and I still don't know what the fub duddler fuck is happening yet!

I woke up in a room plain white,

Oh good, the protagonist has gone insane, it's not just me.

in the corner there was a beautiful but kinda way too pale wearing a beautiful white gown.

I think you a noun.

then I looked at my lap I was sitting in a bed wearing a white sleeping gown I was about to say where am I when she stood up and shouted I am queen Vanessa from the angel side welcome here to the angel side years ago the Angels and Demons had war and every angel who died was reborned human now we're talking all of them back for war then i said so who are?

 

She replyed with I already told you i am queen Vanessa from the angel side talking proudly and loudly i said why are you talking like that

 

Probably because she's Queen Venessa from the angel side.

my head hurts

Yours and mine both.

but then I realized she was the glowing thing which I saw last night I screamed so loud I said worrly oh god I have an exam

You want an exam? I'll give you a goddamn exam. It's one open ended question, so feel free to take your time with it. anime_freakxo2363, my question to you is, why did you think that it was acceptable to put this story on the internet?

let me go back I need to take the exam

I'm so glad you can acknowledge that, because yes, you really do.

or I should kiss my life good bye

Well that's a bit extreme. Remember, you're killing me with this story, not yourself. It wouldn't be the first time I've died around here.

 

she said your already gonna kiss your life good bye remember your going to war there is 3% chance you'll still be alive considering the demons are really strong

 

I came up with a story when I was ten, and since my typing skills were nowhere near as good as my MS Paint skills, my mom put the story into Word for me. Basically, it was about this guy who woke up in some lab, and the people there had cut off his arm in the name of science, and they sent him on some super dangerous mission for no particular reason other than just to do it. I got bored with the story before they actually got to the mission, but my point is that anime_freakxo2463 is ten years old, and her mom should really do a better job of watching what happens to the stories she's typing for her daughter.

so we thought were gonna take you training starting the day after tomorrow which which was it again oh right Tuesday we'll see yea later by the way here is the key to your room then she left with her hair flowing black it was like blocks of gold comparing it to my hair my hair is nothing it just BLONDE

I feel like even amidst this bombardment of nonsense, the writer is still managing to project her insecurities onto the story.

Chapter 2, Training

It was early morning when we started TRAINING. I got dressed up in a camouflage pants white T-shirt and some duck martins.

Quack quack motherfucker.

To Do Today:

☑ Cameo

☐ Clone things

☐ Doctor stuff

☐ Cameo again

when I entered the hall the trainer was already there so I was basically late.

That's probably not how that works at all, but I'm not the confusing Mary Sue of this universe, so clearly I don't know what I'm talking about.

So I just entered and the only thing I can hear is my footsteps everybody kept just staring at me while I am walking to one empty chair at the last row.

Your late miss ?

Of course she is.

Miss hailey

HAILEY IS NOT THE NAME ANIME_FREAKX02463 WOULD LIKE TO HAVE IN REAL LIFE AND ANYONE WHO THINKS THAT IS AN IDIOT.

Well miss hailey

Interrupted him and said

Just kidding my name taylor

TAYLOR IS NOT THE NAME ANIME_FREAKX02463 WOULD LIKE TO HAVE IN REAL LIFE AND ANYONE WHO THINKS THAT IS AN IDIOT.

Well miss hailey or taylor I really don't care but your late

Just like you don't care what my name is I don't care I am late

Burn, I guess.

So we got an mischief one here anyways I was saying my name is Mr little dean

Pshhhhhh what's so little about you I mumbled

His name.

What you say

Realy?

I SAID WHATS SO LITTLE ABOUT YOU

 

It was a very forced joke the first time. I'm all for running a joke into the ground, but goddamn, at least make sure it really is a joke and not just some empty drivel that sounded halfway witty.

Well that's my name my parents picked it for me have a problem!!!!!!!

I don't… which one of them is talking right now?

I just stood up walked to my room when I reached my room I just sat on my bed crying

"I was taken to an unfamiliar new world and told I was almost certainly going to die because of it, BUT THE PROFESSOR DIDN'T LIKE ME AND THAT'S THE BIGGEST DEAL IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD."

Chapter 3, Dean bird

I wake up extra early today so I can opologize to little dean.

Yeah Hailor, don't bother to figure out more about this impending doom, it's probably nothing.

I wore a blue tee with black pants and the same duck martins

To Do Today:

☑ Cameo

☑ Clone things

☑ Doctor stuff

☑ Cameo again

I wore the day before. I enter the training hall it was so empty except for one little bird Mr dean bird . I was so thankful that he was the only one here .

Um Dean I um am sorry for yesterday I didn't mean to be so rude to you

"I just don't have a character of my own, and Jennifer from school said a really funny joke, and so I stole it and forced it into this story and I'm sorry."

It's alright I understand what your going through you might not believe it but I was a troublemaker when I was young

Omgad are you serious Dean Bird was a little troublemaker thats good stuff hahahahahahaha tell me  more

 

Sorry, that was me being blown away by the complete lack of character in this character.

 

Alright alright I'll tell you my life story

 

Oooooo dean bird has a life in earth tell me tell me

 

You know your not the only one from Earth you know

Well excuuuuuuuuuuse me for not knowing this universe's bullhonkey rules!

anyways when I was in school I was the class prankster I would do some pranks on everybody teacher, students, even my family. but then a girl transferred to the Same high school and I fell in love with her started working out I got a six pack to impress her and everything

What if instead you, I don't know, talked to her like a human being?

I even started stopped pranking everybody but still nothing happened

It's almost like you lost all of your personality and obsessed over your looks and became a bit of a douche wagon. Also, you might notice that I'm not losing my shit over the phrase, "started stopped." Basically, the sooner I can forget that phrase exists, the sooner I'll be a semi intelligent human being again.

Oh that's why your all muscular and everything

Is that a suppose to be a compliment or what

Who knows even?

anyway let me continue so I fell for her and she didn't show any emotion and then one day I came to her and said I am sick of you I have fallen for you so what's your problem why won't you fall for me I yelled so hard the whole universe heard me scream

 

I looked at her she was smiling she said she was testing far will I go to get her

 

They're both douche wagons, what a twist!

she only wants true love not a boyfriend that only loves her for something she's good at then she grabbed my head and that was my first kiss

Yeah, this seems like true love, nothing superficial about it whatsoever. How could I, a heartbroken post conventional hopeless romantic, possibly have any complaints with this scene?

Dean bird said that so claimly it was like he was really in love with her

 

So anyways how old were you when that happened

Oh I was 17

Omg you had your first when you were 17 seriously you are so boring

Hm, I completely hate this, but at this point it's only partially the story's fault… bring me the smallest table!

 

Oh I bet you even didn't have your first kiss now did you and your like what 15

No I am 17 and I did have my first kiss

Oh yah

Yah have a problem

"Aside from the fact that I'm having this conversation with a figure of authority who thought I was fifteen?"

So what's his name?

Um um Tom yeh Tom

Wow, even the bad lying is bad in this story.

Tom what ?

Tom rukislish

 

Your just making that up

 

Oh yah so that to Tom rukislish anyways see ya at training

Were you going training is like gonna start in 5 mins

Well there is so much stuff I could do in 5 mins I could go take a bath or go to the grocery store or even better I could go bowling anyways see ya

Farewell Mary Sue, whoever the fuck you were.

See na or Ya or whatever these kids say these days

I for one would like to bring back toodaloo. But, in the meantime, I believe the expression is,