Review #138

Dear Cis People (A Haiku)

Story by Autumn and Eve

Review by Ray




I was listening to Explosions In The Sky, a post rock group known for not having a singer in their lineup, and therefor not having any lyrics. Based on this criteria, YouTube recommended the video SEX HOLE - An Educational Film. YouTube was absolutely right, and thanks to their flawless recommendation system, we get to review this lovely poem.


Well, time for another Wattpad romance. There are a lot to get to, and… say, what’s that?

 

Oh, it’s Tumblr! We’ve covered FanFiction.net, we’ve scoured the Kristen Archives, and we’ve touched on 4chan a time or two, but we’ve completely ignored this hot mess.

For reasons.

  

Well I still have unfinished business on Wattpad, so let’s try to get this over with in one fell swoop. Here’s what I can only call Tumblr: The Poem.

Dear Cis People (A Haiku)

Sex is a motherfucking

Social construct

You asshole

 

Well, um…

 

Here’s this, I guess. It’s about the only nice thing I can give to this one.

Have the stories we’ve reviewed been downgrading as we’ve continued? We’ve covered some stupid shit like Dora Must Die and Imma Wiserd, but it takes some serious skill to not give a damn as hard as this.

It’s not even a haiku! I mean for fuck’s sake, you’d think he she xe would at least get that right! A haiku is a poem with three lines. The first line has five syllables, the second has seven syllables, and the third has five again. It’s five seven five, with an exception if it’s snowing on Mt. Fuji, but under no circumstances is it seven four fucking three!

I have no clue what the fuck you just said, but I’m sure it’s smart stuff.

Sorta, but the point is that you’re right; this person (If they self identify as a person #TumblrThings) didn’t give a single fuck when writing this. In fact, I’m too busy giving this story the finger with my left hand, but let’s see how high we can count on my right one.

 

It’s not even a goddamn haiku.

 

What does being cisgender have to do with sex? Transgender people also have sex.

 

How the frip schlip kribbity klip is sex a social construct? The finger I’m giving you is a social construct; it doesn’t inherently mean anything, but due to our mutual understanding of that gesture, we can both agree that I’m telling you to get fucked. On the other hand, the rock you’re as dumb as is a concrete object, and sex is a concrete act (Or trait, depending on what the fuck you’re on about). You may think social construct means whatever you want it to, but allow me to throw an encyclopedia at your dense, dense head.

 

This didn’t have to be a poem. At all. There was absolutely no reason to divide this sentence into three lines, other than for the sake of being superficially artistic. And what did the five fingers say to the face?

 

Slap! I don’t identify as an asshole; I identify as an attack helicopter.

I on the other hand identify as an asshole, so the author is almost right. The haiku is still stupid though.

Yup. I’m going back to Wattpad.

I’m going back to InkBunny.