Review #137

Battle Against Fate (Post 2)

Story by Awinnerwasyou

Review by Hent




Well if you read the first one, you know what to expect. Hent is back with Part 2.


(Now that chapter 1 is over and done with, the story now begins properly.

...Was I supposed to skip the first chapter?

 

This chapter sees Tara becoming a Kampfer for the first time, and both Natsuru and Akane make their first appearances as well.

And after reading this, I can now skip this chapter as well.

Also, Akane already made an appearance. She was the girl with the gun in the first chapter.

I'm sure you've already noticed that Tara is a real wimp in these first few chapters.

 

Though I will give you credit because your character actually has faults...sort of.

She won't be like this for too long,

I stand corrected.

though, as she toughens up considerably in chapter 6, and she'll be a completely changed person.

Man, you sure have this planned out. I’m not sure how scared I should be right now.

 So don't be too hard on her, OK?)

It can’t be helped. You made her hot.

Disclaimer- I don't own Kampfer.

 

Chapter two- Those Who Are Born To Fight

Nice! A chapter about Chuck MotherFucking Norris!

It was still dark outside when I woke up. Wondering what time it was, I looked over to my alarm clock. The big LED display read 2:51. Really early…. Obviously,

No no no. I’m grateful that you explained it for me. I never would have made the connection that 2:51, on a Military time clock (24 hour clock), while being dark outside, would infact be early.

 I'd be better off going back to sleep,

Same.

but for some reason, I felt too hot.

I have that feeling every minute of every day.

That's strange- I've never felt this hot before…..

Based off of the description of yourself in the last chapter, I can safely classify that as a lie.

I knew the temperatures in Japan got really high, but it was no hotter outside than it normally was, and I've been just fine up until now.

Oooooohhhhh. Physical temperature. Can’t wait to convert it into fahrenheit, because America.

Was I coming down with a fever?

Get up, come on get down with the sickness.

Open up your hate, and let it flow into me.

And just what was I holding on to? Hey- what WAS I holding onto? Realising something was in my hand- and it wasn't my duvet-

… a duvet is a a soft quilt filled with down, feathers, or a synthetic fiber, used instead of an upper sheet and blankets.

Word of the day calendar finally pays off.

I let go, got out of bed and turned on my lamp. And I couldn't believe what I saw.

I'd been holding onto a sword!

 

Where'd that come from? Particularly surprising was how big it was-

Giggidy.

Two Family Guy jokes in a row. I can see that we are using the highest quality of comedy for this review.

Hay! At least it’s not as bad as that time I went to lunch with David Hasselh--

 

No cutaway jokes!

at least the size of my bed! While I was trying to figure this out, my eye caught the reflection in my mirror.

WHAT THE HELL?

Why am I not as hot as I claimed to be!

I only just managed to stop myself from screaming out. Looking in the mirror, I realised that my hair had changed colour! My usual blond hair had now turned a sort of silvery white,

Oh My GOD! The worst possible fate. You have become

 

Old

and, whereas it had been straight before, it was now in curls!

 

It was said that you would be attractive, not Ugly!

You were to bring me self satisfaction, not leave me blue balled!

I tried tugging at my hair, thinking I may have put a wig on in my sleep,

Logical thinking.

but I hadn't. It was my real hair! Then again, I don't own a wig like that anyway-

Because that’s what’s important right now.

I sold all my cosplay outfits before I left for Japan,

...why? Isn’t that where you would get the most use out of them?

and I'd been too busy to make any more since I came here…. Looking closer at my reflection, I noticed my eyes had changed too. They were supposed to be green, but they had now turned a light blue colour!

Well you did have blond hair before so I think Hitler would approve.

What happened to me? Then my eye caught something glinting on my right wrist.

It was a strange looking red bracelet.

That's funny, I don't own anything like this either…. I don't even remember putting this on. Oh well, we'd soon change that. But as I tried to remove it, it wouldn't come off.

Recap.

Hair changed from Blond to Gray.

Hairstyle changed from straight to curly.

Eyes changed from Green to Blue.

And she got too fat to take off a bracelet.

It was like some strange force was keeping it in place. I tried harder- no luck. I finally spoke out loud.

"Shit! Why won't this stupid thing come off?"

"It won't come off because it can't!"

Hent, you watched the show multiple times. How do you not know this?

When they explained it in the show, a man turned into a chick and was barely dressed. Sorry if I was a little distracted!

You watch some weird stuff man.

W-what? What was that voice? I looked around. Was it coming from my…. backpack? Great, now my backpack is talking to me… Or was it something inside it? I opened it and the first thing I saw was that disgusting plushie I put in there last night.

Continuity error detected. We last saw the plushie being thrown into the washing machine. Now you can claim that this takes place days latter but, if it is still damaged my case will be confirmed.

"Hi there! Thanks for fixing me up yesterday!"

 

IT SPOKE! AND IT WAVED AT ME! I fell backwards, trying to say something comprehensible, but all I could do was gibber like a madman.

Ok. There is no way gibber is a word.

 

Gibber: Verb: speak rapidly and unintelligibly, typically through fear or shock.

 

Damn you smart people!

"W-whawhawhawha….."

"You seem pretty confused." It said. "I guess that's understandable. You don't really know what's going on, do you, Tara?"

Understatement of the century.

Great. The story is literally taking my jokes.

Hold on, that thing sounds kind of familiar. Like… Aya Hirano? I finally managed to say something.

For those of you that don’t want to google, she is a Japanese voice actor. For those of you that watch anime, she voiced Haruhi Suzumiya. What is the importance of this discovery? No clue!

"H-how do you know my name? And just what exactly has happened to me?"

"I heard your parents say your name several times, silly. Oh, I'm Pierced Sea Turtle, by the way. I'm your messenger!"

Shouldn't that be HARPOONED Sea Turtle? Never mind.

No no no. This is important! Maybe it should be IMPALED Sea Turtle?

"Messenger?"

"Yup. You've been chosen, Tara. And now, it's your fate to fight!"

...close enough. Roll credits.

It will probably come as no surprise to anyone at this point that my patience was starting to wear thin.

Same.

I picked up Pierced Sea Turtle by the head and squeezed it hard.

Sexual innuendo is sexual.

"WHAT….. THE….. FUCK… IS….. GOING….. ON?"

Author expresses the will of the reader.

"Ow! I was just getting to that. Put me down!"

I sighed and let the plushie go. It dropped to the ground and picked itself up.

"You see, you've been chosen by the Moderators to become a Kampfer.

Kampfer is German for fighter by the way.

Make up your fucking mind! What nationality are you?

And looking at that sword, I'd say you've been set up as a Schwert type too!

German for sword.

We get it.

Now that you're a Kampfer, you must now fight, no matter what."

"Fight who, exactly?" With all this noise, it's amazing my parents haven't woken up yet…

“That’s because I slit their throats!”

 

"Other Kampfer, of course! See that bracelet you're wearing? That's your contract bracelet. It's colour represents which side you're on.

Oh my God she’s British.

Your bracelet is red, while your enemies will be wearing blue ones. You following me so far?"

Should I be taking notes?

So much was going through my mind I just nodded.

"Good. Your bracelet will also glow when you're about to transform, so I'd be alert all the time if I were you! I already told you you're a Schwert type, right?"

Schwert is German for Sword.

I nodded again. There was something I really needed to say, but something was stopping me.

"Well, there are three types of Kampfer out there. Schwert types like you fight with swords, Gewehr types use guns, and Zauber types use magic. Still following me?"

And once again, I waste my time translating stuff. Fuck you anthropomorphic stuffed turtle.

I was finally able to say something.

"So what you're telling me is that I could be attacked at any moment by some guy with a gun, or a sword or whatever?"

"Nope. You won't be fighting any guys. Kampfer must be female, so you'll only be fighting girls!"

*Insert joke that pisses off feminists here*

How reassuring.

"That's just about everything you need to know. Any questions?"

"Yeah, I have a few- why do these "Moderators" seem to think I have what it takes to fight? Have they even seen me? I'm a total coward! How am I supposed to fight?"

You're the protagonist. You’ll figure something out.

"You'll just have to. I already told you, you're now a Kampfer! It's your fate to fight at all times!"

"And just why ARE we fighting, anyway?"

"I don't actually know that. I'm only told what I'm supposed to tell you. Nothing else."

Typical.

Typical? Does this happen to you often?

"So I'm being forced to fight when I can't, and I don't even know why….. I need to lie down…."

I dropped onto my bed and closed my eyes. When I opened them again, it was morning. Looking around, I noticed that the sword that was in my bed had now gone. I also checked my reflection. Yup, both my hair and eyes had gone back to their usual colour. Guess it really was just some freaky dream. Thank god for that! Although that bracelet was still on my- huh? It WAS still on my wrist! So it wasn't a dream after all. Shit. And so, my life as a Kampfer had begun.

dun….Dun…..DUN!!!!

…...

I took a good look at my alarm clock. 8:00? Dammit, I needed to get ready fast, or I'd miss my bus again!

 

Shit! I’m late for school!

I quickly got washed and dressed,

Said no girl ever.

then made a mad dash for my front door- nearly forgetting my backpack in the process.

No tost hanging from your mouth? How did you miss that easily exploitable stereotype?

I made extra sure to hide my bracelet underneath the sleeve of my uniform, since I knew Mom and Dad would be suspicious if they saw it.

My god! A girl wearing a bracelet? What kind of a world do we live in!

Pierced Sea Turtle had made her (I'll refer to it as a she from now on.)

Thanks for the heads up. I’ll put it in with my notes.

home on my bed- couldn't really do anything about her right now…. As I ran out of the door, Dad called.

"Bye, Tara! Have a nice day at school!"

"I will!" I called back. Considering I've now become some super powered magical girl being made to fight, I probably wasn't being honest there.

You’re right. You aren't powerful, you can’t use magic, and you will probably make piece really quickly with your enemies.

Thankfully, I managed to catch my bus this time, so I didn't have to worry about being attacked on my way to school.

Someone never watched Speed.

As the bus made it's journey, I looked out of the window, deep in thought. Two questions kept creeping up- Who are these so called Moderators, and why are they making people fight? I wondered if I could really cut the mustard in this whole thing.

Adding “Cut the mustard” to my list of phrases no one will ever say.

Probably not. Suddenly, my attention turned towards a boy with blue hair running outside,

For the uninitiated, this is the protagonist of the anime.

desperate to get to the next bus stop on time. He didn't make it. I'd seen him a few times, actually, and although I didn't know much about him (lack of contact with boys in the school, remember?),

...That’s worthy of a Geddit Finger joke.

 

I knew who he was. His name was Natsuru Senou- a pretty average guy, though kinda cute.

 

Audience members that have a sexual attraction to men, you decide.

Going to great lengths to not offend anyone today.

 Not really the kind of person I'd date, but he seemed okay.

We will now be taking bets on whether or not they will be dating by the end of this story.

I suddenly felt a strange sensation on my wrist. I looked down and noticed my bracelet was glowing! Before I got too worried though, it stopped. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, but I wondered what could have set it off like that. Now that I thought about it….. Maybe I was seeing things, since the bus was moving pretty quickly, but I thought I saw something blue on Natsuru's wrist as he was running.

Along with the bracelet, you apparently also get super vision… Because plot!

 Could he have a bracelet as well? Is he a Kampfer too? But then I remembered what Pierced Sea Turtle said to me….

"Kampfer must be female, so you'll only be fighting girls!"

Right. Natsuru couldn't possibly be a Kampfer, since he's a guy. Guess it was just my imagination, then. Still…. All Kampfer are female… What's up with that? I decided I should stop thinking about all this for now, before I got too paranoid…..

Don’t worry.

 

Your paranoia is correct in this situation.

……

Aaa six Periods instead of a Return. I missed you.

I got to school with enough time to spare. Stopping by the cafeteria to grab something to eat, since I didn't have any time for breakfast before I left home, I then made my way to my classroom. As I was about to enter, I felt a bump on my left side. I turned to face a shy looking girl who was wearing glasses. She had short, orangey brown hair, which had a big yellow hair band in it. She seemed to be puffing and panting pretty heavily.

 

Adequate description.

"Oh! I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking where I was going." She said, looking a little red in the face.

"Hey, Akane. You OK? You look like you just ran a marathon!" I said, greeting her.

"I-I'm fine. I was just…. running a little late." She replied.

"Did something slow you down?"

"I…. suppose you could say that…."

 

There is no way she can be having this conversation right now. As we can clearly see in this photo:

Exhibit: A

 

Akane has a blue bracelet. If whatever the fuck the main character’s name is bracelet reacted to the kid that was running earlier while in a moving vehicle, It would absolutely react now!

Oh, right. I should say something about this girl. She's Akane Mishima, one of my best friends in this school. She's one of the librarians here, and is pretty shy. Though she's in my class, I only really got to know her since I'm a regular at the library. She's pretty cool, though her mind is a little… Well, you'll see for yourself.

Great description. Can’t wait.

"Ah, now that I think about it, I wanted to show you this…"

Boobs Boobs Boobs

I said to her, taking out the flier that I had in my backpack.

Damn!

Akane took a good look at it.

"A-an anime convention?"

 

"Sure. It sounded pretty good, and I really want to go. Are you free when it's on? Because I was hoping you could come with me. You know, just the two of us?"

Akane started blushing like crazy. Ooops, maybe I shouldn't have said "Just the two of us"….

"J-just the two of us? I-I-I-I… d-d-d-d-d-don't think I'm ready for that kind of relationship….."

But you are open to the idea.

Yeah. She does that sometimes. That girl has a pretty perverted mind….

Girls are just as perverted as us men. They just don’t get that awkward boner that you can’t hide.

"Ah, hah ha. I didn't mean it like that. You don't have to go if you don't want to…."

Akane calmed down a little.

"Oh… I'm so sorry! Um, yes, I'd love to go with you. Will I have to dress up?"

Not really. A lot of people go as a Japanese school girl. So you can just be yourself.

"I'll be cosplaying, but you don't have to if you feel uncomfortable about it…."

"Okay. Thanks, Tara. I'm looking forward to it!"

Thats right, her name was Tara… I should see if Ray wants to join me. He loves people named Tara.

 

Well that went well.

The bell rang. Guess it was time to start class…

"Oh, that's right- um… could you have lunch without me today, Tara?" Akane asked. "I have some important business on the boy's side…"

And just like that, all the lesbian tension in the air is gone.

"Hmmm? Okay. I don't mind. What business would that be, though?" Dammit, Tara, you shouldn't nose into other people's business….

"I just need to talk to someone about something important. Maybe we'll have lunch tomorrow?"

"Sure, no problem!" I said, smiling.

We both walked into the classroom. Even though I tried not to, I couldn't help but think about business Akane had on the boy's side. Normally, girls aren't allowed over there, but since she was a librarian, she had a pass that could let her get over there. Agh, stop thinking about it. Won't do you any good. Besides, I have far worse things to worry about….

Yeah! Like how the magic bracelet I got yesterday isn’t working correctly just to further the plot!

The day went by without any incident, though I noticed Akane wasn't present during the afternoon. I wondered where she was- surely that business she had on the boy's side wouldn't have taken that long? I thought I'd have a quick look for her after school. I checked the library, since that's where she'd normally be.

Audience, prepare for an action sequence.

"Akane? No, I haven't seen her since lunch." said one of the other librarians. "Last time I saw her, she came in here with Senou…."

"You mean Natsuru Senou?" That was strange…. Was he the one she needed to talk to?

"That's him. I think they went somewhere private to talk. Haven't seen them since."

Air   Talk   Quote

I thanked the librarian anyway and left. Guess the best thing to do would be to head home, before I miss my bus again…. Sadly, as I approached the bus stop, I saw my bus pulling away….

Never mind audience. The author decided to skip it by having the focal character leave.

Oh god, not today! This was bad. I knew that now I'm a Kampfer, I could be attacked at any time and any place,

Like at the school...in the library… which we missed.

so I couldn't afford to be out in the open like this…. I decided to walk home again. After all, I could be attacked while waiting for the next bus, so maybe if I walked, I may be able to get home before anything bad happens.

So exposing yourself to a larger area for people to to bump into you is a better idea than staying still and hiding till the bus comes.  

The sun was setting again as I walked nervously through the streets. My mind kept going back to what that librarian said back there. What would Akane possibly want to talk to Natsuru about? A confession of love? Doubtful. If that was the case, it'd be much easier for her to talk to him after school. No, this was about something else entirely. Oh, come on, why am I still thinking about this? It's none of my business…

HA! The fact that you have spent the majority of this chapter talking about it, says otherwise.

I was so deep in thought I nearly didn't notice that same strange feeling on my wrist that I had this morning. Oh no, PLEASE don't say that's…. Unfortunately, it was. My bracelet was glowing.

Which I somehow was able to feel before I could see it.

And unlike this morning, it was more persistent. Make no mistake about it- I was about to transform.

There was no doubt in my mind. Except for that Objection! I made earlier.

Does that mean there's an enemy nearby?

Suddenly, I heard a gunshot. Somehow, I knew that was aimed at me! I quickly tilted my head back, and a bullet just barely went past my forehead, lodging it self into the nearby wall.

 

PRONOUN OF WHATEVER YOU IDENTIFY AS, I doubt the verisimilitude of the notion that an individual of any caliber, be they a mundane John Everyman or a prodigious Mary, is capable of physiologically registering and subsequently reacting to a combustion propelled projectile in a manner timely enough to yield any significant bearing on the outcome of said projectile's mark.

Further more,

 

Stop stealing Ray’s jokes.

By this point, my sword had now materialised into my hands. Looking down at myself, I noticed that my uniform had changed somewhat. My sleeves had now become shorter, while I was now wearing black leggings underneath my skirt- which I definitely wasn't wearing before.

You weren't wearing a skirt before?

See internet? This is why you need to english better.  

Terrified, I turned to my left to see the one who shot at me. She was about my height, with red hair and matching eyes. She was also wearing a blue bracelet- yup, she was definitely an enemy!

What gave it away? When she shot at you or the color of the bracelet?

Judging from the gun that was being waved at me, she must be a Gewehr type…..

Must we always use the German words? I know they do it in the show but the show is more about boobs then about fighting.

"Must be my lucky day." She said. "I get to fight two Kampfer in one day- and this time, I actually get to fight an enemy!"

This is where I would put in a sound clip of the Halo Announcer saying Betrayal!

I had no idea what she was talking about, but I wasn't concerned about that right now. All I could do was tremble as it became clear how in over my head I was. I couldn't have been more scared.

"Yeh sure are quiet. What's wrong? Ya scared? Too bad!"

I couldn't answer. All I could do was hope and pray I'd make it out of this alive…..

I swear, if this turns into Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles , I’m going to be pissed.

Alright! Chapter 2 done. 13 more to go! Lets do this!

Here is your moment of zen.

 

Hentai Man Out!