Review #136

Harmonia's Big Adventure

Story by ClockworkMaiden

Review by Ray




It's April Fools Day, and shenanigans are abound. Last year we caused quite the kerfuffle, but this year, why don't we just sit back and relax with some good ol' fashioned Portal fanfiction?


 

This is the writer's depiction of her OC, and it's almost the perfect representation of bad OCs everywhere. The only thing it's missing is a paint bucket recolor, and maybe a scar that's more aesthetically pleasing than it is disfiguring.

I can’t stop looking at the eyes, what the fuck happened!

I just can't stop marvelling at the extra cleavage line. It's so close to being subtle.

Can this just be the review, just us reviewing this...this...whatever you call this?

Unfortunately, we have a story to get to. But I'll add it to the hit list.

Chapter 1

Hi, mi namm is Harmonia Yakovich Buttercat Asters, but u can cull mi "Cat girly".

I can totally see those cat features on your….OC pic.

Also, "Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee"

I have lung blonde hair

"Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair"

lick a golden waterfall!1!

Honestly, can I just quote My Immortal for the rest of this review? "AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?"

I have boos

 

and a cut tail.

Well I'm sorry to hear that, I guess.

Animal abuse is on the rage in trollfics.

I also hive scalet is lick pools of blood.

✓ Addressing eye color for no particular reason.

✓ Making an analogy to blood for no particular reason.

✓ Not using spell check for no particular reason.

I live in da Aperture Sci place in da secret wombs.

Mi father was Ratmany!122 But he done died.

How the fuck do you get the number 2 in there?!

When de girl Cell escaped. Now GLasos has fund mi

 

Coming to an IKEA store near you!

Oh, if we're going to get professional, then I better touch it up a bit.

 

 

and I'm trying to run from her rite no. I have lazer eyes because I dunnop why. I juts dop.

Wow, at least My Immortal at least gave a shit telling us the dumb shit Ebony had.

I knop, it's reallp annoying hop she jusp doesn'p give a fup.

"I Wile GET V STUPPID GURL!" She tells; at me ash I am running frum her mashy plutes;

Horrible grammar aside, when did GlaDos become German?

"No YOP WON'T!

Whap is your obsession with this letter?

Burn! Loll" I sed. Then I use patrol on ceiling with my portel gun and fill behind her.

"No!" She yolled. "UN must listen too mesh!"

Why do I think the United Nations got this letter recently?

 

"Why shoulde I lusty to you?" I asked beautifully, because I'm hot and have bobs.

"She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic."

Also, this sentence killed me in the My Immortal review before I could pay too much attention to it, but I just realized; how in the fuck did Ebony spell anorexic correctly?

I try to forget sentences from My Immortal so I wouldn’t know.

"Baecaus I no who YAH MAMA IS!"

And now she’s a somewhat racist interpretation of a black woman? Who or what do you think GlaDos is or sounds like?!

Yo mama, that's who.

Ah hell naw!

I stooped. "Who is she?'

"She was…..A TURRET!W 12!"

I gospeled.

That typo, I just… look at your keyboard. See the E key? See the L key? She had to make a round trip to pull off a typo like that.

I nearly drooped my poral gunner!11!

"Imkimpossible (Lol, liked Kim Possible?)!"

Okay, now you’re blatantly ripping off My Immortal, which was obvious before, but now it’s like you’re shoving that fact in our face.

"It ish treed!" Glasods nodded with a poker force. "Butt she went to Chinnea."

"What dies have to do whith mash?

What does that have to do with anything!?

What does this have to do with ethnobotany‽

[Editor's Note: This is a callback joke! To understand the context, see review #117!]

Oh yeah, by the way Fluff, we have an editor now. Apparently Warnuts summoned him from a plot hole.

[Editor's Note: To understand the context, see review #134!]

Oh, so Walnuts has his own caged slave now?

[Editor's Note: This is a callback joke! To understand the context, see nearly every early review where Warnuts was mentioned!]

That's sort of right fellow Fluffwright. Nobody has a slave exactly, although it was possible that Yellow would have been the new Mr. Super God Boss King Man's servant if he were able to geddit before everyone started doubting the verisimilitude of his existence.

[Editor's Note: This is an absurd number of callback jokes! Go fuck yourself Ray!]

All I got from that was that I’m the new Super God Boss King.

Get the hell out of the review Yellow.

You can’t talk that way to a Super God Bo -

 

Nice moves Fluff, I see all of that wall punching has paid off.

Tell mah now!" I fettered my eyelished.

"Beaus U NED TO RESCUE HER!"

(DAt was a plot twist!

I'm glad you were able to recognize that nobody reading this would care enough to realize that for themselves.

What will happened to Harmonia? Find out next time?!11

We can only hope.

And dat was just da prologue, sue it waz short LOL)

Speaking of Sue, I don't know if Cat Girly's character is even developed enough to call her a Mary Sue. The artwork is a definite sign, but as far as the writing goes, I couldn't say; I barely remember anything that happened in the first chapter, and we just finished reading the first chapter, and being that forgettable shouldn't even be possible.

Chapter 2

(Hi guys Im spry dat dis is late. I lost meh first druft LOL. And wet is a trullfic? Can u call it a faieefic instead? Dat would be nice.)

 


"But how can I rescue heer? From China?" I ask jumopfing up and down.

While you're in China, can you let me know if you see any fucks lying around? Because I can't seem to find mine, and I swear I've looked everywhere else.

You lost yours as well, I thought I was the only one.

"I will give u a SPACESHIPPIN!" Gladoss scremed, jumping with mah.

"Space!"

Glaods sung Call Mee Manly by Curly Ray Jun (I Luv dat song!# 111~~)

So it’s safe to say this is what My Immortal would’ve been if the characters listened to pop music instead of emo and were suddenly in Portal instead of Harry Potter.

Yup, and it figures that she would choose my least favorite song. I actually wrote an English final on how shitty that song is, so naturally, she had to respond by writing a slap in the face to my senses.

and tHE SPACESHIPPE Appeared. I knew it was a space ship because it said Spaceship on da side.

I want in.

Then get in, no one’s stopping you, except maybe GlaDos who was trying to kill you a minute ago, but is now for no reason helping you.

I looked around to see a lot of buttns.

 Futurama Fry - Not sure if typo for buttons or butts

And also…

 

"COMPANIUN COOB!" I yell runnin over to him. "Where did u go?"

"I'm sry I cold nut stare at u, Harmonia," He sed.

Did I miss something? When the fuck did the companion learn how to talk?!

I mean…

"I wuz surfing in Haiti."

Did someone say—

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

[Editor's Note: Nope. This is a repetition joke!]

"Oh, dat's nice!1111112? 1" I told back happily. "Now have to go on adventures! 1!"

Sure, do whatever the hell you want. At this point I just have to analyze it on a sentence by sentence basis, because trying to combine the sentences into some type of plot is just painful.

I pushed a big red button, I newt to press it, cuz it said, "Guru to Chineea" on it.

The spaceship went BOOOOOOMMMMMMM!1 And it took uff our clothes

 

at ad speed of smell! It was lik in ad movie Captqain England!

You are making this review so much more painful the more you speak.

"Yay I lug gong to China!" Sed a voce behind us. I looked around to see…

 

CHIMNA CORE!1111!

WOW!!! THAT WOULD BE SO AMAZING IF WE KNEW WHO THE FUCK THAT WAS!

"CHINA Cur!" I sed. "How u get here?'

"I dunno." Da core sed. It was red, but nut communist.

 

"Well, u can be our guid!"

"OK!" It seed, agreeing with meh.

"Were here," Companion sed.

"quot;Yay!"

So Fluff, about reviewing that OC art…

I’m sure Yellow would gladly take my place.

(I hop dat was exciting 4 u. Da next choppy is about Harmonia in China. What will happen? Find out spoon!)

Chapter 3

(Oh, and I forgut, I wood lick

to thank my boyfriend,

Brendo

...

, 4 editing.

Wow, Brendo must be even worse than our editor, and I don't think our editor has ever made a single edit.

Thx!)

We got off the spaceship tosee a lute of Chinese peole strain at us. Thay wore Chinese cloth.

 

That was pink and sparkle. Dey also had a flog a on them.

Joe of da crude members came to us and danced, sining "Sheng shong communist shong song!111!"

It can’t get any better/racist than this.

Dey clopped

 

when he waz Finnish and came forward with jewels 4 us, cause we were special, apearantlee.

South Park is less racist than this.

 

South Park, is less racist, than this.

"I dun want yer jewelries!111" I sed. They bowed restpecfullee and stooped bawk. "Tell mah where my mum is!"

Is that what she came here for #AllOfMyQuestionMark???

"Oak!" A girl sed, (Kelsey, dies is 4 u!)

(AN: Raven dis is u!)

stepping forward. She waz smart aqnd came from AntacTICA!

"Me nam is Astrid!" She said happily. She had cut pink hair and silver and golden is. She smells lick pumpcin penguins. She was cull, but nut as cull ash me, LOL. "I can control fire, cause, im a fire bender!11"

 

Just….no...

"Cull!" I seed. "New tack us to my mum! Shez a turret1"

Okay, can we just review Companion Cube erotica next time? I feel like it would be easier to deal with.

Seriously, at least there would be a somewhat interesting plot going in.

"Sur!" She seed too. "All u have to so be clop 3 tims

 

and spin around! I'll do it with u, Haronia."

We did watt she sed.

Sudden lee, I felt al werd and scuff afterwards, and den I openened meh eyes.

WE were in dino age! And Buddy was on ad dinosaur tren! It made a sound.

"ChEW CHEW!" It sed.

I just...I can’t...

 

"Why died u doo dis?" I ask.

 

"Oops," She seed with a derp face. 'It was four times, not tree!"

"Lol," I seed, blinking mah red and silver eyes. I did it again; only dis time I clapped

 

Not this time Dashy, not this time.

four times.

This time they were transported to outer space where they suffocated to death.

 

WE were nu in rum. It waz all dark and stuff.

And den I saw two men. Dey was...COMUISTS!111!

Are the communists supposed to be the preps of this story?

And dye had mum loocked up!

(Dat was exiting, wasn't it: D?)

Yes, D is exactly the grade I would give this.

You’re being too generous, I’d give this a D-.

Chapter 4-0 da saxing! save mum we do

 

(oy, im surry it waz lat. Brend waz ben a jork!)

I gosped.

So instod of P, she con't stop using the lotter O now?

My hare was swining. Dey had Mum! 'Oh noes111!1

"oh yah11!" Da combusts sed, having pink whips dat said Koles on item.

I just…

The has blod on dem!111111111113

"dauter~" Mum tyelled. Sh waz a sparkly aqua turret WIF SPARKES1!1!

I’m surprised that I haven’t asked this question yet, but how the fuck did a fucking turret give birth to a cat girl?

When a machine gun and a kitten love each other very very much, Aperture Science does what they must because they can.

"Yo GUz ar mean!" I yolled at da communists. "Yu r doo doo heads!1111!1"

Communists are doo doo heads, that just about sums up an era of US history.

"AH WE DON LICK DOSE WORDS!11" Dey sceamed,

They’re very sensitive as well it seems.

runnin out da door.

I Pixed mum up.

Wait, did she just…

"Hi, Mum!" I sed.

She defeated the communists by calling them doo doo heads‽

 

Come at me ClockworkMaiden, you and me, one on one, a literary battle to the death!

"LOL," She sed back. "But we ned to dun awaynow. Dell be back wITH guns!1"

"butt I hive lazer eyes!" I sed, giving her a lock.

"Gooood!1" She screemed back. "But dey have an evan worse weapon!"

The ending.

I cirled my hed arund. Den I sed what is it

"dey hav...yur TWINE SISTAH!"

Nope, the weapon is the ending.

I gospled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~``221```

 

"I hive a twin sis?' I askd. I was shockled.

"yope," She sed.

See, even the mom said nope.

"hoo iz sha?" I asked.

She's your twin sister, or in your language, sho'p yop twop sostorp.

"Her...

name...

iz...

"

I hold mah breth.

"Miszzzzzzzzzz..."

"AOSTRID!"

The name was so suspenseful that the mother had a stroke trying to say it.

Chinea care, companon coob, and I gasped.

Den I locked arund confusedly.

Pear waz Astrod?

BUT IF PEAR WAZ ASTROD THEN WHO WAS PHONE?