Review #135

♥♥Hot lover's♥♥

Story by tarrellgoku

Review by Ray




Yup, those are emoticons in the title. We're in for quite a treat.


The Transfer Chapter 1

Author's note........

hey guys don't take it to hard on me its my first ever book so cut me some slack…

“Ugh, why do we always have to move every time I get comfortable in my school, I mean like as soon as I start to get in cool with someone like , like lexa for a example she was the best thing that ever happened to me but now out of no where I have t-"

 slap gif animated GIF

I was cut off by the booming voice of

"—Ray, as he bitchslapped the narrator in an effort to make the protagonist more likable."

my pissed off father. “Hey! I've heard enough of your complaining, now we are going to stay in this house from now on until further notice. And you shouldn't even be complaining you have everything you ever wanted, your father is filthy rich I'm a lawyer and I am doing everything I can to keep your little ass happy,

Yeah protagonist, how dare you be unhappy when you have money! Money equals happiness and there's nothing else to it, everybody knows that!

 

Honestly, his father is less subtle than Doctor Money, and that shouldn't even be possible.

now go in your room and unpack we are going to your new school to transfer you.",“Who said I wanted this life, who said that I wanted my dad to be a billionaire huh?

Nobody. Nobody in this story has said that.

No one I stay here only because this is my family, and plus the heart problems that you know mom has if I left without notice or without a job due to your cockiness she would've been having a heart attack and you know that.

Yeah, that's why the protagonist hasn't left.

 

But now that I'm turning 18 in two months you won't even have to pay a dime on me cause I'm gonna have a good paying job and an adventurous life ahead of me so don't even think about making me feel guilty. Now I'm going to my room.”

"Fuck you dad, you can't tell me how to live my life! Now I'm going to go to my room! You know, my room in this house that I was just bitching about!"

Oh my f'ing Christ did I literally just talk to my dad like that, oh man I'm seriously grounded.

 

Hm, fascinating. According to this thing, the logic in this story makes no goddamn sense.

 

I wanted to turn back and beg him not to ground me but I knew it wouldn't work I don't know what he is going to do to me.

********

Most stories would just start a new paragraph here, but apparently this transition was so significant that it warranted a section break. So, tell me narrator, what vastly different scene do we find ourself in after the totally necessary section break?

As I got to my room

Or course, why did I expect anything else.

it was even more wider than I expected picture an master bedroom x3 that's how big it was. My eyes widened at the sight but keeping quiet due to me saying I didn't want to live the “rich” lifestyle.

Okay, I have two question. number one, why can't this protagonist make up his mind on whether or not he wants to live big? I would be completely fine with either decision, as long as we could get some consistency. And question two,

 

But due to me daydreaming about the new room, I was tackled by my little sister mya

That's not how cause and effect works. This is hardly even a matter of writing, this is just logic; don't use the term due to if one thing isn't actually due to the other.

she was just 10 years old but man it felt like she weighs a ton when she tackles me. “Ah ha I knew you were going to have a big room, what are you going to do in it get a whole bunch of girls in here and have a big blowout party?"

Well, we still haven't had any ❤❤Hot lover's❤❤ in this story, so Mya isn't making a bad suggestion.

For a little sister she sure did have q mind of a teenager. “ As a matter of fact yes I am and there's nothing your gonna do about it." I said teasing her.

Hoho, it's the ol' switcheroo, how comedy!

 

Her eyes widened bigger than the moon. “Im telling!” she exclaimed as she tried to escape down stairs, I guess she forgot I'm an award worthy runner back.

Of course he is. Let's see, a rich parent who he despises, plus a flimsy plot device that supposedly prevents him from actually taking control of his situation, multiplied by athletic ability…

Gary Stu Counter: A Lot

As soon as she knew it I caught her in my big hands and said “ you know the consequence's for being a little snitch don't you?"

Snitches get bitches. That's right Mya, you're a lesbian now. Deal with it.

She thought about it for a moment when she remembered the consequence she quickly tried to scramble out of my hands. Once again she forgot the weights that i lift.

[Eye roll 360 no scope]

“Nooooo please don't, I just got done putting my make up on and you know I start crying when I get tickled." I let her go because I didn't have time to play around I needed to get dressed for school.

Um… was he about to forcibly tickle his ten year old sister while undressed?

 

*************

Now Richland high was a good looking school but I just couldn't just let the details escape my mind.

I don't even know what that means.

It had a huge water fountain in the middle of the school yard and when I say it had some hot girls there I mean like round nice curves, big booties, big jugs like pow type girls but it might seem like I was interested in them cause I was like the goodest, no hottest out of all guys here and I could feel a tingle in my spine when someone was watching me from behind  and when I get that feeling I know I'm being stalked, Now let me say I would be checking out myself to cause i had my electric blue eyes and since I knew I could where anything I wore my tan muscle shirt and gray denim jeans slightly ripped and my jet black hair was in point with some swept across my face and my black smooth skin shining in the sun.

Oh, I see. That was a sentence, by the way. Just one sentence.

I knew that was gonna bring attention so I let her stare but soon it was time for me to register, and bam that's when I saw her.

Like it,

No.

vote it,

No.

how'd you like the first chapter

Well aside from the concept and the execution of that concept, it was a masterpiece.

it wasnt much but try and see if you can predict who Kai saw.

Kai? Is that our protagonist's name?

 

Well anyways, I'm going to assume Kai either saw Lexa or his sister, because they're literally the only two love interests that this story has presented so far. And honestly, I hope that it's his sister. At least the incestuous pedo tickle chemistry was more convincing than Lexa's random name drop.

oh and by the way there will be more chapters just tell me some ideas on it.

 

Let me get this straight, mister tarrellgoku writer sir. You want us, to give you, ideas on what you should write in your story. Bold move Cotton, you're on thin ice.

Thx

That tears it. Random internet horse, tell this motherfucker what's what.

 

Well said, random internet horse. Well said. Let's move on to the second and final chapter.

Reunion

Chapter2

Wellisn'tthisjustaphenomenalstart.

"Wow you look beautiful ." I never thought I would see lexa again

 

after yesterday we got into an huge argument about me moving and she Said she never wanted to see me again. But other than that she had her tank top on

 

Okay, that was actually impressive. "I guess she had feelings and shit, but enough about that; let's just talk about why she's hot."

which I thought was a bit little on her but an advantage of it was it showed every feature of her 34d breast and I couldn't help but stare but not obviously because last time that happened I was slapped.

As you should have been, you objectifying dickwad.

But other than that she had her jean shorts on

 

Oh my god he's still going!

and it said 'pink' on the bottom she was a brunette with her hail in a pony tail and had her hazel but eyes and-

 

Alright now Kai, that's enough, let's move on.

"Helloo are you even listening to me Kai?!" She interrupted my thought's yelling at me "oh, yeah sorry I started ugh thinking about school for a sec and what activities coming up, yay."

You sir, earn the award for world's worst liar.

I tried to come up with excuse but I think she knew I was lying

Think?

cause I didn't care about school activities. "whatever don't lie to me  I know you better than that anyways I was thinking I could meet you at your house today after school if that's okay?"

Oh dear Typeface Jesus these italics are pointless. Also, what? What reason could she possibly have for wanting to go to his house?

I was shocked at the question I was thinking about it for a second cause it was the first day and I need as much help as u could get,

As much as I could get? Well I hope you need zero help Kai, because that's exactly how much I'm getting you.

" sure I mean its nothing between us or anything like that but just a warning my Lil sis might be all over you so nothing you know that could turn me on plz

  1. You're not even trying to hide it Kai.
  2. Have you ever heard of locks?

don't wear cause I have even bigger house so she's gonna be creeping around OK." She was shocked at my request I could tell by her face expression that she was,

 

Yes, her face expression, what a master detective Kai must be.

" ugh OK I guess just one request","hmm?" I asked " Do I have to absolutely be plain I mean like a little something cause I don't like being proper like that, and what if I turn you on nothing will happen."

What the fuk… oh, right, Kai is writing this story. For a second I almost thought that the female character would act like a real person.

I was laughing in my head cause of her conclusion she clearly didn't understand what I meant by turn me on

How could she possibly… oh, right, Kai.

" fine but I did warn you

Get it Lexa‽ Of course you don't, but apparently Kai thinks it's hilarious!

And why do you want to see me again?" I was confused but before she could answer my name was called to sign in to school.

 

This scene isn't going anywhere, run for your lives!

She came up to me and said in my ear  " maybe cause I need to show you something." She whispered in my ear  seductively, I got a shiver in my spine when she said it I turned to her smirk and she almost leaned in for a kiss

 

when all of a sudden my best friends  stumbled in and started howling at us.

 

Are his best friends wolves?

 

Do you have something against wolves?

 

Lexa was so red

Speak of the devil.

Do you have something against devils?

Martin, you're the devil?

 

she his behind me so I can keep her away from them cause we had quite a history with these guys.

Flashback-2014 January 21st

This specific date means so much when we don't know when the main story takes place.

"Wassup my man?" Zack said "how you holding up haven't heard from a while what you doing " he kept asking

Oh dear Typeface Jesus why have you forsaken me yet again?

" man I been getting these girls man" we both laughed he knew I wasn't a player but still I could've been judging by my looks.

Don't forget your charm and modesty.

 

Anyways my friend invited some girls to party with and his gf lexa, at first I thought he was joking about inviting her and her friends but he was serious. A few minutes later the doorbell rang throughout the house I ran to open it cause I thought it was the pizza I had my money ready and everythung , but when I opened it and gave her the money I looked up at lexa and all her 18 friends.

"Damn, I was looking forward to that pizza."

I was embarresed as hell but when I tried to get it back she stuffed it in her bra and said 'if want it you must dig'

At this point, I honestly don't know if tarrellgoku doesn't know how to write humans, or if this story takes place in an alternate universe.

no doubt she was trying to get me to do it cause she knew it wasn't mine and knew I wouldn't do it so she pushed passed me up with her 18 friends trailing behind her as she sat down in my spot

 

I was pusses

 

This is why you actually look at what spell check is suggesting. Kai, I believe the word you were going for is pissed.

but I couldn't do anything but ask her to move and she did but sat right on my lap , Zack came in with the sodas and the cans his eyes set on me giving a death glare at lexa he was pissed at the sight of lexa and me " I KNEW IT YOU LITTLE SLUT I KNEW YOU WERE SLEEPING AROUND AND YOU, YOU LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER I THOUGHT YOU SAID BROS BEFORE HOES WAS THAT A LIE!?!?"

 

he exclaimed in rage I got so pissed off I went off on him how dare he call me that when I've been protecting him for the last 5  years

Where did that come from and why is it not surprising that Kai is giving himself even more of an ego trip?

" LISTEN HERE BITCH NOTHING WAS EVEN FUCKIN GOIN ON HERE BETWEEN US TWO AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I SLEEP AROUND WITH  WOMAN LIKE THIS no offense lexa BUT STILL SHE IS YOUR  GIRL FRIEND AND IM NIT A BACKSTABBER LIKE YOU ARE YOY SLEPT WITH FIVE OF MY GIRL FRIENDS THIS YEAR NOT ONE NOT TWO BUT FIVE GIRL FRIENDS OF MINE!!"

  1. From now on, the role of Kai will be played by Tommy Wiseau.
  2. If Zack slept with five of Kai's girlfriends and they didn't have some sort of agreement beforehand, then,
  1. Zack is a fucking asshole.
  2. Kai is a fucking moron for continuing to "protect" Zack.
  1. It is by no means a mystery why Zack would assume something is going on;
  1. his girlfriend has been established as unabashedly slutty.
  2. Kai has been established as unabashedly objectifying.
  3. Zack himself has promoted his fair share of unfaithfulness.
  1. Save caps lock for something that actually deserves it.
  2. I promise you Kai, despite your sincerest efforts, Lexa is most definitely offended that you called her a whore.
  3. -uck yourself with a cactus. For further instructions, please refer to random internet horse's quote above.
  4. Your application for the spell check award has been revoked. You weren't getting it either way, but three red underlines in one run on sentence sealed the deal.
  5. Are we still on this pointless italics binge? You already established that it was a flashback. Job done, congratulations, the fact that this section is literally titled Flashback-2014 January 21st is more than enough to tell the readers what's going on. There is absolutely no need to change the format of such a significant part of the story.
  6. This writing style now reminds me of protecter22, which reminded me of apple short and secondpillow, which is not a good thing.

I was so pissed off I said that without thinking.

 

NO. SHIT.

I looked at Zack's horrified face and we both looked at lexa with tears bawling out of her friends

Gee, I wonder why.

my face was still incredibly pissed off at him. She looked up at Zack who's face was red as a tomatoe

You spell tomatoe, I spell tomato.

" is that true Zack? Have you been sleeping around with his girl friends this whole time you've been saying you were busy at your house? WELL IS IT!!!!!!!" her face was liquified with tears her friends were trying to calm her giving me a hard glare cause they knew about it but swore not to tell.

They're mad at Kai because he was cheated on…

 

" yes its true I've been keeping it secret for such a long time and honestly youre not exciting anymore when we first met you were the happy, ecstatic, person I wanted to be with but now your just ugh lame." She looked at me with an idea in her head but the n her friends said they needed to see me in the kitchen for a sec, I knew there was gonna be yelling in my ears about it but there was one I absolutely didn't want to talk to my fifth ex.

 

Suddenly my name was being called and no one was talking .

Flash backs present day

 

"Zack!!!!" Lexa was screaming my name cause she was being told she was a tramp a whore and slut

By Kai's wolf friends, or by Kai?

my mind went straight overprotective brother and started pushing them back from her

Ah, that's right, Kai only thinks of her as a whore. That's why he's the good guy. Apparently.

" hey watch what you doing, don't ever fuckin talk to her like that."

Dis gon get gud.

My friends shut up at that cause I was the tallest and strongest out of them all

*Eyes roll out of head in search of a better story*

and just started laughing because they knew I did that every time they did it. Jacob on the other hand was actually my wanna-be brother he did the same things as me and basically took notes from my actions in other words if it weren't for me he'd be out on the streets.

Yeah, two sentences away from the end, that's the perfect time to introduce a new character.

Then Zack came in and lexa got even more scared, as I thought about it I turned and went to the office and asked who's classes were she in and to my surprise she was in all my classes.

Uh oh, I sense some wacky antics a-comin'! Or angsty displays of masculine dominance! Or sex! Okay, I have no idea where this story was planning to go.

After that we left and started our senior life on the edge…

2edgy5me m8