Hentai Man starts on his quest for a running series. Join him for a review of a fanfic of a show that no one has heard of except for him. And watch as he struggles with his biggest challenge yet....someone that can actually write a coherent story, has access to spellcheck, and knows words that make him sound like an idiot in comparison... not that he ever sounded smart or anything.
Alright everyone. This is a fanfiction of a show called Kampfer. I don’t expect any of you to have watched it so here is the Wikipedia plot summary.
The plot revolves around Natsuru Senō, a normal high school boy with blue hair. One day he wakes up and found himself turned into a girl. A stuffed tiger "Harakiri Tora" comes to life and tells him that he has been chosen as one of the "Kämpfer", a female fighter. The Kämpfer are destined to fight with other Kämpfer. The story starts when he is attacked by an unknown girl who happens to also be a Kämpfer.
As you can tell, we are in for a special treat tonight.
1. Chapter 1: A New Life
(Ok, so this is my other main project at the moment (The other being Tales Of The Abyss Rangers),
Note to self: Text Ray to look up “The Abyss Rangers”
and is a fanfic based on the light novel, manga and anime series Kampfer. As said in the main description, this is a retelling of the anime, as seen through the eyes of an original character named Tara.
Note to self: Get Ray to do this review with you and watch him freak out because of her name.
Much of the story will actually take place outside of the events of the anime, but most of the major scenes in the anime will be featured, albeit with Tara involved in them.
So for all of you who missed it, let me repeat. None of this story has anything to do with the original story.
The story will, for now, end at the same point as the anime, but the events of the finale will be slightly different,
As a person that watched the show: I think the ending was ok. As most shows that have a bunch of girls all fighting over one guy (Harem) the show ends with a comedic line and with all the girls still fighting over the guy. This is done so that people that shipped certain characters don’t get mad with who he ended up with.
to hopefully be more satisfying. Of course, the main cast will appear in this fanfic, while a second OC will also be introduced later on as well.
Alright! I get the deal with two Mary Sues! It’s a dream come true!
This won't be a particularly action packed fanfic, at least not at first, since I intend to focus on how Tara copes with being a Kampfer more than anything.
Emotions? These things have no reason to be in a fanfiction!
Anyway, this chapter introduces Tara, and explains the events that lead to her becoming a Kampfer. Please read and tell me what you think!)
Why must every fanfiction author spoil everything in the chapter during the authors notes?
Disclaimer: I do not own Kampfer.
I know...I know.
Chapter one- A New Life
My sword was a very big and heavy one.
Yeah. You know that whole “explains the events that lead to her becoming a Kampfer.)? Fuck that.
Standing it next to myself, the handle would just about pass over my head. But nonetheless, I was swinging it around like it was a toy.
Good luck defeating an enemy if you just swing around a sword like a three year old.
And just as well too, since it was the only thing stopping me from being peppered with bullets. I lost count of how many I'd deflected, or cut in half, but I knew I couldn't keep this up. My assailant stopped shooting for a second.
Man. I sure love how you are new to this whole thing and you are somehow able to deflect bullets with something bigger than a Clamor.
"Heh. Yer faster than I thought. But yer so fuckin' borin'…. Ain't ya gonna try to attack me, too?"
Unfortunately This manner of speaking is cannon for a certain character. And yes she is a main character. I’ll give you points Awinnerwasyou, for sticking with the cannon; But in this case I would have preferred you have changed it.
I couldn't answer. I didn't know what to say. I just stood there, shaking. I'm supposed to fight this girl, but even with my power, I was afraid. I was never any good in a fight, and even though I'm now some kind of warrior, I just couldn't bring myself to hurt anyone.
Man. I sure wish we knew how you became this “warrior”. But alass. We must wait until his hook is done and we get a nice flashback.
You read enough shit and it becomes predictable.
Not even someone who's trying to kill me. Just why are we being made to fight anyway?
Good question. Never answered in the show so I will be anticipating your answer in the future.
"Meh. Whatever. Can't be bothered to wait for ya to make a move…."
The shooting started again. Wearily, I deflected more of her bullets, still unsure of how much longer I could hold on. She was right, I had to make a move, and soon- otherwise I'd be as good as dead. I didn't want to do it, but if this was supposed to be my fate, I guessed I had to get used to it…
...this actually isn’t that bad… I think Ray screwed up when he put this on my desk.
I lunged at her, still defending myself from the onslaught of bullets as I rushed forwards. Close enough, I swung my sword at her.
Dead. Game Over.
Well that was a short read. Looks like I have the rest of the day off. Time to take my Wiafu to the-
Hay Hent. Here’s the rest of the story. All fifteen chapters. I’m confident that you can complete it.
She'd already anticipated my attack and jumped it in a manner that Mario would have been proud of.
...no I read that correctly. Points off for Mario. Why? Because he is Overused.
The force of the swing was so great, I managed to knock myself over. On the floor, I reached for my sword, but my opponent trod on my arm-
Haha! I finally got you! How does one trod on-
Trod means to stomp Hent.
keeping me from even getting up, let alone rearming myself. The next thing I felt was the barrel of a gun pressed against the side of my head…..
"Game over, Bitch….."
Badass line is badass.
I knew this was it. My first battle as a Kampfer, and it was also going to be my last. Knowing that I'd be dead in a matter of seconds, I counted down the time before my enemy pulled the trigger…..
Time for a Deus Ex Machina!
Before I go any further, I suppose I should introduce myself, and explain how I got myself into this mess in the first place.
Never mind. Time for that flashback I mentioned earlier.
So, my name is Tara Goodman.
Any relation to John Goodman?
17 years old, born and raised in good ol' New York City. Never really cared much about my appearance, but according to the guys at my old high school, I was "One of the hottest babes in school.".
The Mary Sueness is strong with this one.
So I guess I'm an attractive girl, just not one who really likes to brag about it. Though perhaps I should point out that I have blond hair that goes all the way to my hips. Oh, and my eyes are green. Just thought I'd share that …..
My interests? The usual, I guess. I love anime, manga, video games, listening to music, reading and cosplay. Yes, I'm a bit of a geek, but I don't really care. I'm a whiz at maths, English and science, and I can speak several different languages, too!
Where have you been all my life?
My mom works for a major international company, you see, and she deals with a lot of foreign bodies.
Figures the girl of my dreams mom is a slut.
So, she's had to learn a lot of languages, and she let me learn with her. I'm far from unfit, but I'd never win anything on track day, and I have to say, I'm a terrible cook. Not to mention I have a bad habit of forgetting things.
A....a main character...with flaws? What is this sorcery?
But still, I'm certainly a bright student. Certainly not your typical blond bimbo…..
I also have some pretty varied tastes. I adore things that are really cute, but I love action as well.
Man. Remember how exciting that fight seen was? That was awesome!
My video game collection is a mix of cutesy platformers and ultra violent action games, with plenty of JRPGs thrown in for good measure. My MP3 player has a selection of classical, rock, metal and J-pop, so my musical tastes are pretty varied too.
OK WE GET IT! Your every nerd's dream girl. Moving on.
One thing I should say- as I mentioned earlier, I'm a bit of a coward. I could never step in to help someone in trouble, for example. Nor could I stand up for myself if I was ever attacked. I've always hated fighting, so I always try to stay out of trouble.
Yet you play a bunch of fighting games...
As for my parents, they're pretty cool. I already told you about my mom. As you'd expect, she's often really busy,
A whores work is never finished.
but she's always been there for me at the best- and worst- of times. My dad is currently unemployed, so he spends his days doing the chores.
And all the feminists were happy.
Like Mom, he's been very supportive of me all my life, and I feel so lucky to have him. Although Dad doesn't have a job, the money Mom makes in hers means that we've lived a good life, and we've been happy and well supported.
She must be a really good whore if she gets that much money. I finally got you! You don't need a coma to extend your sentence if you use the word and! One point to me.
One night, while Dad and I where preparing dinner (Well, I set the table anyway- like I said, if I cooked, it would result in an unprecedented disaster!), Mom arrived home from work with a life changing announcement
And this is why you should always use protection.
- she'd been offered a major position in one of her company's biggest branches! The catch? It was in Japan, so if she accepted it, we'd have to move there…..
And here i thought the higher paying pimps would be in the U.S.
As a huge fan of all things Japanese, I loved the idea, and Dad wasn't too fussed about it either. So it was settled. We'd be moving to a new life overseas.
Well that was easy.
While all my friends were naturally jealous that I was moving to Japan
Jealous that she was leaving everything she loved and cared about behind or jealous that they no longer have the chance to bang the hot geek?
(Hey, I would have been too if it had been someone else going instead of me!), in truth, I was really sad to leave them. My last day at high school was probably the most emotional day of my life,
“Other than the day of my first period.”
And all the feminists were angry.
and I spent most of that evening crying harder than I ever had done in the past. Mom came up to my room while I was crying and gave me a big hug, gently telling me that everything would be alright.
She then started to kiss me while unbuttoning my shirt.
"I know you're going to miss all your friends," She said, "But just think about all the new people you'll be meeting.
Like that girl in the first part of the story that was about to blow your head off! Remember how cool that was? Lets go back to that!
Not many people will get the chance you have right now, so try to think of it as an exciting new adventure. Don't worry, we'll come back here every now and again to catch up on how everyone's doing, so it's not like you'll never see your friends again…."
I’ll just leave this here.
I fought back my tears.
"I know, Mom. I'm really excited about this move, don't get me wrong about that. But I guess it's kinda hard to let go of something you've known for so long. I still don't really know what's going to happen when we move there. I couldn't be more excited, but if I'm honest, I'm a little scared about fitting in…."
Lets see. Dumb, white, American, blond in Japan? You should fit in just fin.
"Don't worry, sweetie. Just take it one day at a time. I face exactly the same thing when I start my new job,
Starting to run out of whore jokes. Mom can you please leave?
so you're not alone. So let's just do our best, okay?"
"Yeah. Thanks Mom."
We spent that night in each other's arms, and I can't remember the last time I felt so comfortable. It was certainly was one night I'd never forget…..
Oh you're not even trying now!
And so, with that, we were ready to move the next day. But although I knew my life was about to change, little did I realise that it would change in a way I wasn't expecting…
The flight to Japan was fairly long, but nothing that really fussed me. I spent most of my time watching movies and reading, more or less what I normally do.
Do you know how to speak Japanese?
にほん の はなすか。
From the airport, we took a taxi to our new home, and it was the perfect opportunity to take in the beautiful scenery that went past. I would have used the new camera I bought to take pictures, but I couldn't really do it justice cooped up in a moving car. When we finally arrived at our new house, I was curious to see what it was like.
Alright: prediction time. It will either be a traditional style mansion or a little piece of shit apartment.
The house wasn't that much bigger than our old one, but it had everything we needed, and there was plenty of space in my room for all the stuff I was inevitably going to buy.
It’s slightly bigger than an American home? Mansion. I called it.
Plus, the bed was nice and comfortable too. I spent most of my first night unpacking everything into my room, and then going over the details of my new school. I'd been accepted with a school named Seitetsu Academy Senior High,
Fun fact, google translate says Seitetsu せいてつ means iron-making. Looks like it’s going to be a fun school year.
and I was surprised to learn that the boys and girls in the school were kept in separate sides. Almost no contact with boys….. That was quite unusual…..
Unless you are a lesbian or my sister.
But still, as long as it was a good school, I wasn't complaining that much.
You should. Because tomorrow you're going to be working the forge.
I couldn't really sleep that night, mainly because I was still a bit nervous about whether or not I could fit into a country like this. But, as Mom said, I just had to do my best…
Good optimism… but seriously にほん の はなすか。
My first few days at my new school were certainly eventful. Most of the students there were surprisingly excited at the prospect of having an American student amongst them,
They are just acting nice because they think you're packing heat.
and I was often asked about what it was like living in New York.
Interestingly enough, you are not allowed to conceal and carry a firearm in New York.
I was even interviewed by one of the girls from the newspaper club. Her name was Masumi, and she seemed really enthusiastic about me. A little TOO enthusiastic if you ask me.
Having read/watched the show/manga, I can only see bad things coming from this interview.
I got to read the finished article, and it was greatly exaggerated…. I don't know what seemed to go through Masumi's head when I talked to her, but she seemed to think I was some burger eating cheerleader who spends most of my time chatting up boys.
… I don’t know if I should be offended or not.
Well, she got the burger eating part right anyway…
Never mind. I’m offended.
One of the other students told me that Masumi does tend to exaggerate her info, but she ultimately means well.
Oh really? If we just go back to that Negative Stereotypes of Americans list, we can see that everything she said was on there.
I could see that. I wasn't bitter about it, in fact I actually saw the funny side of it. I even showed the article to my parents, and it now rests on the wall in the living room.
Man this all fits together a little too well. If we , we can see that Optimism is present.
Once all the excitement about my arrival had settled, things calmed down a bit. I managed to make some friends pretty quickly,
And if we go to the list again! We see that Friendliness is there! All we are missing is her giving money to a homeless man and a speech on Unwarranted military intervention.
and I even found a great spot to study and read in the library. The actual journey to school was no problem for me to walk, though I preferred taking the bus. My studies hadn't faltered too badly either, despite the fact I was still learning how to write in Japanese.
(Luckily, I'm a fast learner, plus I'd learned a lot when I studied Japanese with Mom, so it wasn't going to be a problem for too long.) Also, having cosplayed as several schoolgirl characters in the past, I initially found it pretty weird to be wearing a school uniform as part of my normal routine. It almost felt like I was cosplaying every day. But I soon got used to that, too.
That is actually fairly interesting. As most American schools don’t have uniforms and the ones that do don’t have sailor uniforms. That could be an interesting study to perform.
Hent, I don’t think Ray is going to give you the time off to pursue that.
But think about it Mart! You get to do science and I get to sex Japanese school girls! It’s a win win!
I’ll fill out the Time Off For a Dumb Reason paper.
There’s my boy!
Several weeks passed, and things were looking up. Mom was doing well with her job,
(Insert whore joke here)
We were getting along alright with the neighbours, and I was fitting in better than I expected at school. I couldn't have been happier. But then came that fateful evening….
Play this music while you read. Makes it way better.
School had ended for the day, and I made my way to the bus stop, as usual. Feeling like a little music while I was waiting for my bus home, I opened my backpack and searched for my MP3 player.
Let's see….. My stationary box,
Why are we talking about her box? We have the names of two character so far. The protagonist Tara, and the unimportant side character Masumi. Lets not get ahead of ourselves here.
a plastic bag I used to keep my lunch, my reading glasses, a flier for a minor anime convention (I wanted to show it to one of my friends and ask if she wanted to come along…), my text books….. Wait a second- one of them's missing! That's when I realised that I must of left my maths book in class!
Note to self: Keep a tab open for overly dramatic stuff.
Crap, I needed that to go over my homework in the evening….. I had to get it right now, but my chances of catching the bus would have been slim if I'd have done so. No other thing for it- I ran all the way back to my classroom to get my maths book back. After a slight scolding from my teacher- telling me not to be so forgetful in future- I made my dash back to the bus stop. The bus was right there as I got there- maybe I could make it! Sadly, by the time I got close, the door closed and the bus left. Damn.
Oh no! The fat American will have to walk home! She will die of exhaustion!
Knowing it would be ages until the next bus showed up, I figured it'd be quicker if I just walked home. It had been raining during the day, but that had thankfully passed by now. So at least I didn't need my umbrella…..
And cue the thunderstorm.
As I made my way home, the sun had begun to set, and I couldn't resist looking at it. It may not have been the most beautiful part of the country- certainly not when compared to the scenery we passed on the way to our new house, anyway- but the setting sun still managed to make everything look beautiful. As I walked on, I soon came to a park.
Good to see that the Land of The Rising Sun, looks better when it’s setting.
I knew I was nearly home now! I carried on my way, but then something caught my eye. I turned my head to get a better look at it.
It looked like some kind of plushie. It was a turtle one, and from where I was standing, it seemed kind of cute.
Finally! The plot finally found the story.
As I walked closer to it, I noticed a rip in it's side, and stuffing was coming out of it. How sad. Some poor child must have dropped it or something…. I figured the best thing to do would be to take it home, wash it, then repair it. Then I'd see if I could find it's owner tomorrow.
How dare you! Be a true American! Finders keepers/America wants it, America takes it.
I got the plastic bag I had in my backpack and went to pick the plushie up. It was soaking wet, and it was pretty dirty too. Then I saw it face to face, though, and I realised it wasn't quite as cute as it looked from a distance…. It had the creepiest face I'd ever seen,
and that was before I even noticed the guts hanging out of it-
I will refrain from putting up a Guro picture here. You are welcome.
not to mention the harpoon that was lodged in it's stomach…..
Ewww… I quickly remembered- this must be one of those "Entrails Animals" that seemed to be so popular at the moment. I knew a girl at school who was completely obsessed with these things, god knows why. Now what was her name… Sakura! That was it, Kaede Sakura!
Sorry Naruto fans.
This is the Sakura we are talking about.
She loved these things. Again, I couldn't help but wonder how someone as popular as her (She's actually considered one of the two "beauties of the school"!)
I can’t wait for Tara to be called the third. It’s coming. give it time.
could possibly have such a major obsession with something so…. gross…..
One's sexual preferences are there own damn business. You like guts hanging out? Good for you.
Thinking about it, I wouldn't be surprised if this plushie got thrown out or something. Still, it must have belonged to somebody, so I felt obliged to clean it up and find it's home.
Or just leave it because the person is probably looking for it.
And if I couldn't, perhaps Kaede would be happy to take it off my hands…. With that, I put the plushie in my bag and carried on home.
Naturally Dad was home when I got back.
"Hi, honey. You're back a little late aren't you?
"Yeah, sorry about that." I replied. " I missed my bus, so I walked home. Hey, we're not using the washing machine today, are we?"
"No, I did a whole batch of washing yesterday. Why?"
"That's good. I found this stuffed animal on the ground on my way here, and I wanted to fix him up. But it needs a good wash first."
"Okay. Just try not to use too much detergent, alright?"
"I won't. Is Mom working late again?"
"'Fraid so. She won't be joining us for dinner tonight."
"That's too bad. But I guess it can't be helped…."
After my little chat with Dad, I threw the creepy turtle into the washing machine and turned it on. I had dinner and went over my homework while it was drying out, then I sent towards repairing it. There was quite a lot of stuffing missing, but luckily I had plenty left over from my own ill-fated attempt at making my own plushie (Not really something I wish to talk about, if I'm honest….), so I could fill this thing out , no problem. Within half an hour I had it good as new! Actually, looking at it, that stitch seemed to suit the repulsive creature quite well. My work done, I put it in my backpack ready for tomorrow. I glanced at my clock. Wow, 22:17 already? I felt beat after the long day I just had, so I decided to call it a night.
So I didn’t comment on any of this stuff for a reason. This is the format of this story. Points for using quotation marks correctly and using spell check.
On the the negative- The Tab key is there for a reason and a Return is much more effective than hitting the period six times.
And one thing I missed, Why are you using military time A.K.A. 24 hour clock?
Briefly heading downstairs to kiss Mom and Dad goodnight (The former of which had come back home a couple of hours ago), I went back to my room, got changed and went to bed. Tomorrow was going to be another long one….
Alright! Chapter 1 done. 14 more to go! Lets do this!
Here is your moment of zen.
Hentai Man Out!