Review #129

Dreams come true

Story by SaraKiker

Review by Ray

Chapter 1, Well this is so awesome

I'm in Cali and I see Michael Clifford sitting in a cafa drinking a coffee I walk in there and me and him were the only ones in there.


Do the employees not count as people, or did these two just break into the cafa? And is a cafa similar to a cafe? And of all the celebrities to write fanfiction about, Sara chose a guy from 5 Seconds of Summer? Well to each their own, but I'll have you know that I possess a much more sophisticated palate, and prefer artists such as Mozart, Bach, Pachelbel, and Niggaz Wit Attitudes.

I walked in there and we lock eyes he smiles so do I walk over there he says hey beautiful I said aw hey cutie can I sit here he said why of course you can I said your such a gentleman he said I try to be lol me and him drank I chocolate chip mocha frappe and then we went to his place.


Instant relationship, just add coffee!

He opened the door I walked in an he ran up behind me and picked me up by the waist and I screamed because he scared me. Then he kissed me

Yeah, because picking her up went so well, why not escalate things even further?

I was blushing he said why you blushing I said because I like you and we're not even dating and then he asked do you wanna go out

At this point he might as well just come right out and ask, "ayy bby, u want sum fuk?"

I said yes I-I mean sure that's awesome, he said nice trying to save that lol

hm, this dialogue is a bit confusing. If only there were some sort of punctuation that indicates when someone is speaking.

now I have to go to Ashton's house to help him repair his porch

In once sentence, we've gone from an unexpected kiss to repairing somebody's porch. I'm almost starting to think that not a lot of outlining or editing or second thoughts went into this story. But hey, the sentence isn't over yet, and I can't wait to find out what new and exciting places it takes us next.


if you wanna come put a tank top shorts and tennis shoes on I came back in a long sleeve shirt and shorts with my pink vans he said why long sleeve I didn't say anything but look at my arm.

Wow, the pacing of this story is just phenomenal. In fact, to keep up with it, I'm probably going to have to drop this bag of fucks that I was going to give.

Michael said with tears " oh no you don't cut do you"


So because she's wearing long sleeves instead of a tank top, he just jumps straight to the conclusion that she cuts? Maybe she just feels like wearing sleeves instead of following your oddly specific instructions. Maybe she just doesn't own a tank top. Maybe a tank top raped her cat when she was eight and she just can't stand the sight of them anymore. The point is, there are plenty of other conclusions we could draw here.

I said with tears " don't leave me just because i did it"

And of course, his ridiculous assumption was completely right. But fuck it, at least the story is using quotation marks now, so that's nice.

he said " I would never leave you now let me see your arm"

"I would never leave you, we've been through so much together! We drank coffee! Coffee! I might not know your name, but I know that nothing can separate us when nothing brought us together in the first place!"

I said ok and there was 7 cuts well scars he said when did you do this I said a month ago he said put a tank top on I said ok babe.


Shouldn't she be uncomfortable showing those scars to strangers? I only mention it because she's already shown that she's uncomfortable showing those scars to strangers!

I went and put my purple faded tank top on which said idiot because I made it.

Okay, now this story is just trying to set up a joke. I appreciate it Sara, I really do, but trust me when I say I've got plenty to work with already.


Oh alright, just one. Ahem. Of course you made the tank top, it has idiot written all over it!


Came back to him he said wow you look beautiful every time I see you baby I said aww thanks babe and kissed him.

I want to hate this relationship so badly. They hardly know a damn thing about each other, neither has a compelling reason to like the other, and all they've done is be obnoxiously affectionate.


And yet, it's impossible to hate, because the characters are both happy with it. They're delusional as fuck, but dammit, they're happy.


Then we went to Ashton's house and Michael took off his shirt and I saw his abs and his muscles I said wow your hot he blushed ashton whined and said will yall stop being lovey it's eww ashton didn't have a boyfriend but luke an ashton both like each other so they might be dating oh wait there's luke now.

Okay, how many times do I have to shoot myself in the head with a nailgun before that seems like a well crafted sentence? Because I don't even know where to start, and at this point, lobotomizing myself just sounds less painful.

You know Ray, I—


Dammit Yellow, what have I told you about existing‽ Stoppit!

Oh you know you can't get enough of me. Anyways, I just stopped by to say that if you ever want your lobotomy hamer back, I still have it from the My Immortal review.


Alright, just hold still. This will only hurt like a bitch if you are one.


Luke came up to ashton and gave him a bunch of roses and asked him out

Of course, it's the perfect timing to ask somebody out! Besides, why would they actually work on the porch? That would just be boring, and could never be used to passively show character!

it was so romantic and sweet I said awwwww so cute and sweet.

How could I argue with how sweet it is if she said it twice? She's the narrator after all, so she knows best!


Michael and Ashton are done with the porch Michael and I went back to his place and showered.

The protagonist doesn't have to get back to her parents house before her bedtime?


It was 9 o'clock so we got in our pajamas

So she brought her pajamas with when she went out for the day? What a brilliant idea! Come to think of it, she also must have brought two spare tops, a pair of shoes, and a change of shorts… now that's planning ahead!

well Michael in his boxers I didn't mind but he was cute in batman boxers sexy actually I said wow your my superman tonight we got in bed and cuddled up with kisses on the neck and lips then we fell asleep.

Aw, how touching! These characters are so believable, and I have such an easy time relating to their journey!

Chapter 2, I love him

Well I sure hope so! After all, you've known him for almost an entire day!

Okay, now you're actually worrying me. You're not pissed off that she used the word love in this context?

Why should I be? Love at first sight is completely plausible, and beautiful too!


Yeah, it uh, it sure is Ray. I'm going to find Doctor Green. You stay here and try to avoid pointy objects.


Just try not to hurt yourself. I'll be right back.

Goodbye yellow friend!

Michael and me and going to Logan's because we've been together for 4 months and wanted to celebrate and then we ran into luke and Ashton well lashton because they've been dating for a year now.

How original and clever and chronologically accurate! Time flies when you're having fun, and Lashton has been having so much fun that an entire year has passed for them, instead of the four months it's been for Protagonichael!

We got into Logan's Michael ordered the steak while I ordered the chicken finger a mudslides and a beer because we both were 22 so we could drink well Michael didn't drink because he had to drive a I got a little drunk so Michael had to help me out in the car.

Aw, that's so thoughtful!

When we got to Michael's place he had to carry me because I was asleep in the car and he didn't wanna wake me.

She didn't scream when he picked her up? They've made so much progress as a couple!

We got in the house and Michael laid me down and I woke up so I got a shower and brushed my teeth because my breath was kickin and Michael didn't wanna kiss me.

Resolving the conflict before it was even established? That's so avant garde, and way ahead of its time! In a good way!

After that Michael and me laid down and watched white chicks because its a comedy after it went off Michael and me were asleep.

Watching a comedy because it's a comedy?


That night I woke up throwing up and Michael went to the store and got me a pregnancy test because in our 3/12 months together we had sex and it was awesome so I took it and I was pregnant so I couldn't drink nothing so after a month of being pregnant we told calum and his girlfriend skyler they were happy for us and then we told luke and Ashton which they were happy for us and an asshole because they said don't die that kids hair any.

This is the best—


Sh, it's alright, just let the good doctor's medicine do its magic.

But I… I wanna tell, everyone, how… great the story…


I couldn't tell me parents because they were in a bad car wreck when I was little and died so I lived with my aunt so I had to tell her.


…Are you people still here? The review is over.

Michael came with me because he want to see how they would react so we got in and I said I have to tell yall something my aunt and uncle looked at me and said yes sweetie Michael looked at me and hugged me because I was crying and I looked at my aunt and uncle and said I'm having a baby. They were so happy they jumped up and down and hugged Michael and me and congratulated us and after that me and Michael left because we lived in Tennessee and they lived in Alabama.


Chapter 3, 7 months

We've been together for 7 months and 3 months pregnant. So Michael and I went to Luke and Ashton's place while Luke and Michael played COD ashton and I made supper we made chicken fingers and fries. When we were done we are and watch oculus which was supper scary so I stayed close to Michael and cuddled up with him because I was scared I like horror movies but when I get scared easily. When the movie was over Michael and I went back to his place took showers and laid down him just looking at my arm where my scars were he looked at me and asked why'd you do this I said because before I meat you I was depressed and sad a lot because my parents I was missing them so I came to Cali because I told them I was gonna go there when I was older and I met you and you've been so awesome to me and I just love you so I haven't done it anymore since I've been with you he said oh I'm so sorry babe I love you too as he kissed my cheek and then kissed my stomach saying night to me and Mara Anne Clifford. I couldn't sleep that night I had a nightmare that I had a miscarriage and Michael left me for some slut and I cut to deep and died I was screaming so Michael woke me up and I was crying he said what's wrong I said don't leave don't leave me if we have a miscarriage he said what the hell are you talking about I said oh it was just a nightmare he said what happened I said the doctor told us we had a miscarriage and you left me after that for some slut and I cut to deep and died he was tearing up saying if we ever had a miscarriage I would never leave you because I love you to and so much I was still crying but said I love you to babe and he hugged me and whipped my eyes and said its ok babe love you he kissed me an Mara goodnight and then I didn't have anymore nightmares after that.

Chapter 4, Yay

9 months pregnant it's gonna be born on April 30 2015 which is my birthday to and that's the best gift I'll get. its April 28 so we got 3 more days till it comes Mikey wants calum luke ashton to come so I said I don't care which calum has a girlfriend her name is skyler she's pretty nice and cool I've meat her 4 times and I don't know when she's due. I had to invite my aunt and them and today is April 30 7:05 in the morning and my water broke Mara Anne Clifford is coming at 8:15 I had Mara she was dark brown hair a bunch of it blue green eyes pink lips. She was beautiful Michael watched as I was giving birth he didn't say ew or anything he just smiled and was happy watching Mara come out after they washed her I held her then Mikey did the luke and Ashton because they were the only 2 there yet after that my aunt uncle calum and skyler came and they held her while Mikey laid in the bed with me trying not to move much and letting me have a chocolate chip mocha frappe which me and Michael had when we first meat. The day was perfect after everyone left Mara and Michael were asleep and Mara slept the whole night which was awesome may 5 I got to take Mara home and dress her in i ❤️ Michael Clifford shirt after that I got my bikini on and Michael put his swim trunks on and we all went out side to have fun and it was the best day ever because I was spending it with my lovely family.

Chapter 5, 2 years

Michael and I have been together or 2 years now and we were gonna take Mara to the cafa where Michael and I first met each other but we couldn't because I have the flu. Mara is about to be 1 years old time flies by fast can't believe she's about to be 1 it was just like yesterday she was 2 months old. Michael wants her party to be a princess party but I said no because she's gonna have a 5sauce party we bought her a drum set and a four wheeler with 5sos on it and got her a couple shirts and black skinny jeans. Michael wanted to die her hair green but I said no we could get her a wig but we're not dyeing it till 4 or 6 he said fine. We invited some of my family members and some of Michael's family members we invited Luke, Ashton, Calum, and his girlfriend Skyler. Luke and Ashton got her drumsticks, a bandanna, and a beanie. Calum and skyler got her a flower crown and a 5sos poster. My brother Brax got her a 5sos album. Michael's brothers Nat and Alex got her hair dye. My aunt and uncle got her some combat boots then Michael's mom and dad got her some 5sos piercings for her ears.Then we had the cake and everyone left except Luke, Ashton, Calum and skyler. They were staring at Michael and he told me to close my eyes I said ok because I was scared he font down on one knee and pulled out a diamond ring he said open your eyes so I did and he said Sara kiker will you marry me I had tears in my eyes he got up and I said yes and jumped in his arms and he was just so happy as I was Luke Ashton hugged me and Michael so did Calum and Skyler hugged me gently and her and Calum left but Ashton and Luke stayed. Luke asked Michael if they could talk upstairs and he said ya so me and ashton stayed on the couch I thanked him for coming and for the gifts for Mara he said your welcome and I said you want some ice cream we have some left he said sure we'll Luke and Michael were upstairs Luke was telling Michael how he wanted to purpose to Ashton and he wanted to do it now so Michael called me up there I told ashton I'll be right back and asked him to watch Mara I ran up there they told me to go down stairs and cover Ashton's eyes because Luke about to purpose I hugged Luke because I was happy for em. I ran down stairs and put my hands over Ashton's eyes Luke came down got down on one knee and I got my hands off of Ashton's eyes and he started crying and he said yes and hugged Luke and they stayed the night which it was really awesome.

Chapter 6, So mara

So mara is 16 now tine flies by fast and she met this dude named Ashy. He was perfect had good manners and he didn't take Mara for granted. Mara's name came from Michael and Sara put together so it would be Mara and we told her that's why her name is Mara. She was a beautiful young lady and she started dying her hair at 14 and not its dark blue with hot pink tips like I said beautiful. Michael and Ashy are best buddies Ashy is 16 to so they both can drive Ashy has a truck while Mara has a jeep with Green Day, Blink-182, and 5Sauce albums. Mara tries to be punk rock yes she has black skinny jeans green day shirts blink-182 shirts and 5sauce shirts they one she liked is the band was Luke because he's really tall than her and he hugs her perfect as she said to me. One day Mara, Luke, Ashton, Calum, Michael, and Me where going to the mall plus Ashy Mara wore black skinny jeans with holes in them a 5sauce tshirt and a bunch of green day bracelets her hair in a pony tail Cuz it was long. Ashy made sure no one touched her or anything because boys kept staring at her. It was the summer and Ashy and Mara broke up because Ashy thought Mara was cheating when she wasn't she was sad depressed we fount out she cut we stop that in July she fount a dude named Wes blonde hair taller than her real tall picks her up when they hug has the same interest except he doesn't like 5sauce. He was awesome for her Michael and him became buddies I just didn't get attached to him because I knew they would break up sooner or later.Its been a couple of months and their still together they go to the same school same age some car well different colors. When she gets bullied he stands up for her and tells them to fuck off and she just loves him so she said I love you to him he was shocked they never said it before and he said it back she said do you mean it he said you I love you to the moon and back and if I listed you I would die.