Hent showed us this video a while ago, and it got me thinking about wattpad. It's a strange site. The stories there are actually so shitty that the admins implemented a feature which blocks people from copying a story's text, presumably so that the shittiness of it will remain quarantined, and the rest of the internet won't have to suffer. And unlike FanFiction.net, wattpad's copy blocker actually works. That's why we've never really bothered to go there. But curiosity got the best of me when Hent showed us that video, and after some dank 360 no scope hacking, I found a way to breach the quarantine and copy from wattpad.
So, armed with my red tape machete, I finally dove back into literature's cesspool to see what I could see. I was there for less than a minute before finding today's story. After choosing the romance category and sorting by new, it was literally the third thing I saw, and the title alone told me that it would be everything I'd hoped for. So enjoy, because starting with My Darkest Desires, wattpad is fair game for retribution.
So this story was written by Raven. Yes, I shit you not, the first story that caught my eye on Wattpad was by Raven. Not the My Immortal Raven, but still, a Raven. The writer's username is actually BlackRoses_13, but according to her profile, she goes by Raven.
I'll just go ahead and prepare some tables to flip. Clearly, they will be needed.
Today was supposed to be like every other day here in beautiful posh Beverly when it was cut short by my boyfriend Daniel and his best friend Mark walking into my pool house, "Irene you have got to come see your new neighbor."
One sentence in, and it's already clear that these Wattpad stories are going to be delightfully amatuer. In fact, rewind, I want to break this down.
Today was supposed to be like every other day
✓ Generic opening line
here in beautiful posh Beverly
✓ Immediate abuse of adjectives
✓ Putting the protagonist in what is most likely the writer's fantasy location
Mary Sue Counter: 1
when it was cut short
When what was cut short? The day? Is it even possible for a day to be made shorter than it would have normally been?
✓ Wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff, or possibly just bad sentence structure
by my boyfriend Daniel and his best friend Mark
✓ Rapidly introducing multiple characters in a disinteresting way
✓ Telling instead of showing
walking into my pool house,
✓ Putting the protagonist in what is most definitely the writer's fantasy location
Mary Sue Counter: 2
"Irene you have got to come see your new neighbor."
✓ Not tagging dialogue that should be tagged
✓ Introducing even more characters before exploring the existing ones
In one sentence, we can cross nine things off the amatuer writing checklist and give Irene a Mary Sue count of two.
I quirked my eye brow at them, "I didn't think we had any neighbors it takes me at least 20 minutes to reach your house by car."
What the flip diddly fuck does driving to your boyfriend's house have to do with the existence of neighbors?
He smiled at me, and his blue eyes seemed to look aqua in contrast to the water in my pool
✓ Needless focus one people's eyes
✓ Comparing blue eyes to water
I really loved his eyes, "well he lives closer than you think?" he stated it as a matter of fact.
No, he most definitely posed it as a question. Want proof? Let's go to an instant replay of that dialogue.
"well he lives closer than you think?"
That right there is a question mark. It's used to indicate a question.
"Have you met him yet?" they both looked at one another, "we just ran into him as he was guiding all his servants to move everything into the house."
✓ Not starting a new paragraph for a new speaker
By then I had just gotten out of the pool and began to dry myself it was a bit embarrassing considering the bikini I wore, and I had both Daniel and Mark starring at me.
✓ Embarrassment over something not remotely embarrassing
✓ Guys staring at her
Mary Sue Counter: 4
Daniel immediately came to my side and made sure I was covered from head to toe, but we all had a reason to worry considering that Mark tried to make a move on me before, but I guess to Daniel friendship is better than love.
I think Raven is trying to establish some kind of love triangle, and I think Irene is at the center of it. It's anyone's guess, but just to be safe,
Mary Sue Counter: 5
I was stupid for thinking I mattered to him but he's only with me because my family owns Becker Industries a major contributor to the world trade,
Mary Sue Counter: 8
Self doubt right the fuck out of nowhere, immediately followed up by seeking justification from the guy, and also throwing in the fact that she has a well off family who she basically brushes aside. Come on Irene, are you even listening to the words coming out of your narration? Irene? Hey, Irene!
"Irene are you listening?"
I snapped out of my gloomy mood, "yes! What were you saying?"
they laughed and at times I got the vibes that maybe Daniel might be gay
he has never asked me to have sex with him not once since we started dating back in middle school.
Fantastic, he can be as gay as eight guys blowing nine guys for all I care, but can we get back to the story?
Come to think of it, is there a story?
"That guy seems to be freaking loaded he bought the old Grand Mansion that was built by that italian family," I began to think and I remember that across from our recently built mansion sat an old creepy mansion the gates were what scared me the most.
Okay Irene, how many mansions do you own if you have to put forth an effort to recall a creepy mansion directly across the street?
"He seems like the type to party a lot and party hard!" Mark said, "sounds interesting..."
"...More interesting than this conversation anyways. The dialogue is actually so boring that the narrator has already lost focus at least twice."
I began to walk towards the main house hoping that Daniel would follow but when I looked back he was heading towards the exit with Mark.
"My Lady, Master Gregory request an audience with you?"
I looked at Harrison our butler, "I'm going! Can you let me change first? I don't think that the council would want to see me wearing such an outfit,"
Who is this council and what do they have to do with anything‽
he chuckled and went on his way, "this house is full of secrets like always..."
I agree, the plot is such a well kept secret that not even that narrator knows what's going on.
I turned around and sitting by a window was my uncle, "I thought you had left already uncle Roman?"
He laughed and I remembered that I would say I was going to marry him, "how mean of you my dear niece after all I was the one that raised you when my beloved little sister left us."
Okay, that's more than enough exposition. We're eight pages into this review, and nothing significant has happened. The only minorly meaningful action was Daniel covering Irene when she got out of the pool. That could have lead somewhere, and it was a nice example of showing instead of telling. Aside from that one action though, it's all been conversations that go nowhere and backstory that isn't even supported by a primary story.
I hated that he brought that up all the time so I would pity him and myself plus he always made that cute face, "you know you look an awful lot like your mother," he pushed aside a strand of my hair, "she's not my mother!"
Mary Sue Counter: Why does it even matter at this point?
It took us all years to forget that woman she left us, "I would never be as greedy and conceited like her!" Uncle Roman came towards me, "your just lucky your even more beautiful than your mother," I slapped my uncle's hand from my face,
So what you're telling me, Miss Sue, is that you just slapped yourself in the face?
"my father is waiting for me," I started to walk away from him, I always liked my uncle but nowadays he acted like a jerk. When I met him I was 10 and he was only 15 now he's 24, and I'm about to turn 18.
Neat, now instead of rattling off information about even more useless characters, could we actually introduce a plotline that goes somewhere?
I made it to my room and looked at all the beauty within
all of the riches I had could never buy what I really wanted and needed,
and that was Love a love that Daniel nor anyone could ever give me.
(But boy am I going to be wrong)
Raven, are you trying‽ This isn't even a teaser for the second chapter, not that that wouldn't be bad enough. But oh no, it's much worse; this is the teaser for the second paragraph. Yes, we were still on the first paragraph! Gimme another one of those tables.
I managed to make it in time before my father sent Harrison again to come fetch me, "I'm here father," he looked at me at a glance and then he went back to scanning thru his papers and looking at his computer. If anything he hardly ever looked at me I could come in here naked and he wouldn't say anything
¿ıuıʞıq ɹnoʎ ɟo ʇno ǝbuɐɥɔ noʎ pıp ʎɥʍ uǝɥʇ
my father was more oblivious to certain things, but he is a smart man that's how he was able to build such a large company.
And how he was able to hand his Mary Sue daughter off to be raised by her uncle, even though that uncle was only fifteen at the time. Good call, father figure.
Despite mother cheating on him and I was the one to tell father after all I had been the one to catch her in the act, I guess that's what traumatized me.
Oh, you poor, tortured soul. You poor, poor, wealthy as fuck, life of leisure enjoying, boyfriend having, unabashedly attractive, tortured soul.
You'll have to get your sympathy points somewhere else Miss Sue, because they're sure as fuck not coming from me.
I don't blame my father if he hates her I will always hate her, "sit down Irene," I sat down and that's when he stopped doing everything he was doing. "Your going to turn 18 soon and I'm so tired..."
"...of your bullshit."
I knew where this talk was headed, "I was thinking your old enough to take over Becker enterprise and make it into your own Empire your old enough."
Remember how Becker Industries is a major contributor to world trade? Well I think we now know the father's views on world trade.
I wasn't prepared to hear this talk till I was married,
What does that have to do with—
"you thought I was going to give it to you after you married…
that was the original plan but it seems that Daniel's family has other plans for him.
And to find such a perfect young man for my beloved daughter is almost impossible." I don't know if it was more an insult than a compliment but either way it meant that I was difficult to please,
Clearly. Six perfectly good plot threads have thrown themselves at your feet.
- Meeting the new neighbor
- Sorting out the love triangle
- Managing Becker Industries
- Exploring the strange interaction with the uncle
- Resolving the mommy and daddy issues
- Getting over the Rich Girl blues
Six. Yet we're about a third of the way into the story now, and you've yet to pursue any of them.
but it was so obvious father always treated me like a world wide treasure to him I was the most precious thing. "Sir, Mr. Sebastian Barbarak is here to see you,"
I looked at father he looked confused, "who?"
Okay, if this doesn't set at least half of the dangling plot threads in motion, I'm ending the review.
Harrison asked, "our neighbor is here to speak to you sir." Father still looked shocked but none the less he agreed to meet, and when he came into father's office my breath was taken by looking at a handsome elegant man walking inside. I was in a daze, "I'm sorry to come so suddenly I just wanted to introduce myself," my father was speechless, "Mr. Barbarak as in Barbarak Global Enterprise."
- Meeting the new neighbor
- Sorting out the love triangle
- Managing Becker Industries
- Exploring the strange interaction with the uncle
- Resolving the mommy and daddy issues
- Getting over the Rich Girl blues
Damn, I really wanted to end this.
He nodded, "I just moved across the street to the old victorian mansion," my father got up, "I have been trying to buy that mansion for years!"
Then why didn't you, you know, buy the mansion? I don't want to tell you how to run your business, but it seems like a pretty straightforward solution.
Sebastian looked a bit afraid at my father's sudden outburst but it was true father wanted to buy that mansion for some reason. "The owner said he wasn't planning to sell it, how did you buy it?" he chuckled softly it was cute,
"I'm the actual owner that mansion has been in my family for decades you could say." And he said it almost like it was a really old place, but it was old only that it was built to last I guess,
I'll just pretend that made sense and move on with my life.
"I don't think you would want to buy it we have so many skeletons in the backyard."
Okay, please tell me that was supposed to be a joke, because that is by far the funniest damn line in the story.
He laughed and father calmed down, "Yes, I heard from a friend that there is a mass family burial in the back yard and that it was apparently haunted," he sat back down and straightened out his tie, and that's when father realized I was still there.
"Oh, Irene! You're so much like every other Mary Sue that you blend right in."
"Oh! Irene come meet Sebastian Barbarak I came closer to him and he looked at me, I suddenly felt as though we were the only two people in this world.
Is the father still saying this out loud? There's no second quotation mark, so yeah, I'm pretty sure he's still saying this out loud.
He extended his hand and I shook it but the electricity seemed to overwhelmed me as I felt his warmth reach deep inside of me.
…Are they fucking already?
It felt as though I was on fire,
Yup, they're definitely fucking, it's a veritable hunk of burning love. jeez Irene, I was just joking, but if you really want to hand fuck the neighbor in front of your father then be my guest.
"Gregory you needed me?" that ruined the moment, "ah! Perfect timing Roman meet Sebastian Barbarak," my uncle looked at him for a second and then he looked at me I was guessing that I was blushing, "nice to meet you." Uncle looked a bit mad, "Irene your boyfriend is looking for you,"
"What? No, my boyfriend is right here. We just had unprotected hand sex in my dad's office."
I looked at my uncle surprised that he suddenly mentioned Daniel, "I thought that he had already left with Mark?" Suddenly my uncle gave me that look and I really hated it, "strange...he told me that you suddenly disappeared."
He said it all sarcastically but he knew well enough that Daniel would never notice my abscense when he was with Mark, and that's what led me to think that maybe he was gay.
Or maybe Mark is just a really good friend who's not overly dramatic about everything.
"Well then I will have to excuse myself then..." I was waiting for father to tell me I had to stay, but he didn't and I walked out of his office boiling mad, and that's when I realized...why was I mad?
Because you're infatuated by somebody who you just met, and you want to do the sex with him, but your mating ritual was cut short.
Did I have a reason to be mad?
Probably not. You just met him, and didn't have nearly enough time to figure out who he is as a person. The vast majority of your feelings for him are impulsive and based on superficial charm rather than anything lasting or meaningful. But I'm a postconventional romantic, so what do I know?
I felt so stupid.
No Irene, you're not stupid.
I walked down the long strech of the corridor and then I heard footsteps coming from behind me, "you look kind of mad Irene?"
You don't know how question marks work Raven?
I glared at my uncle as he walked a bit faster in front of me. "Leave me alone!" I started running in the hall way, "are you mad because you couldn't talk to Sebastian? For some reason I don't get a good vibe from him especially the way he looked at you." I began to think in what way did that man stare at me, "funny, I never saw him staring at me?"
Though honestly, this conversation would be painful enough even if the grammar were passable.
Uncle had a grin on his face, "aww, but you were staring at him quite intensely." I got even more upset after realizing that I was acting dumb, "you know your mother often played this way, and it made your father upset but that was her original nature."
You know Raven, if you just copied and pasted directly from the book of cliches, this would be a lot less confusing.
It made me mad to think just how much time has to pass so they would stop comparing me to my mother,
Don't hold your breath.
if anything I'm nothing like that women,
If anything, nothing. Under the condition of anything, nothing.
"uncle please leave me alone!" He smiled, "don't forget we have dinner with Sebastian Barbarak later tonight."
I stopped dead in my tracks to stare at him, "you have to be kidding me right?" Uncle smiled and shook his head, "he's bringing his younger brother." I looked at him, "I'm going out to eat with Daniel,"
he was trying to see right thru my lie, but it would go just as planned the minute a texted him. I smiled as innocently as I could and rushed down the hall to my room, thankfully my uncle had stopped bothering me.
Great, now can we get to paragraph three already?
I quickly began my message to my boyfriend Daniel, 'Danny we are going out tonight pick me up at 7:30 Love Irene.' It was short and sweet
Well, short at least.
and not a minute too soon he calls me, "hey Irene!" I walked over to my walk in closet to see what I was going to wear,
What a coincidence, Daniel's calling from a closet too!
Hard to believe how many of these we've filled up already.
"about our date I'm going to have to take a rain check honey." I instantly saw the big heavy door slowly shut on my soul,
Instantly, slowly. In a very brief moment of time, something took a relatively long amount of time to happen.
"why?...what's so important besides your own girlfriend!"
That's a very valid point, Daniel should respect his girlfriend's demands no matter how sudden and unrefined they are.
Holy shit Daniel run before it's too late to escape!
I was so mad but why even bother asking him who was more important, I knew all too well who it was. "Mark and I are going to stay overnight at my families villa."
And I'm not even talking about him and Mark; I'm talking about the fact that an eighteen year old male just used the world villa without even a hint of disdain or sarcasm.
Oh! great...that was just perfect, "you know Daniel I'm starting to notice just how important Mark is to you!" It was pretty obvious that I was mad not jealous,
"I never said he was important, he's just my best friend..."
That's right Daniel, bros before hysterical Mary Sues who don't know the meaning of courtesy.
That's where I cut him off, "would a best friend kiss his best friends girlfriend!"
I mean, if they were all into it, then maybe.
He honestly stood silent thinking about it,
So from now on I'll assume this story takes place in the future, because she can somehow see that he's standing as they talk on the phone—
Oh, nevermind, I guess we do have that technology. Shit, is it the future already? I was expecting a lot more chrome. Anyways, you win this round Raven, but you have made a very powerful enemy.
"and would a boyfriend easily forgive that friend just like that!"
I mean, if all of them were into it, then maybe.
I could hear a mumbling sound in the background and I was sure that it was stupid Mark. "That kiss was just a test Irene, if you want consider it a game or a horrible prank, because I was the one that asked Mark to kiss you."
I was so mad I was at the brink of my insanity here with this guy about to push him off the edge, "I want to break up..."
I fully support this decision on the grounds that neither of them seem like a good match for the other, and also on the grounds that if they were no longer together, the story might actually go somewhere.
I didn't think I had whispered it, but I'm pretty sure they had heard me. "What! You have to be kidding me!"
Let it go Daniel, it's better this way. You can go spend time with your ambiguously gay friend at your ambiguously gay villa and have an ambiguously gay ol' time.
Now that made him react the way I had hoped, "we aren't going to break up!"
If the Mary Sue wants it, and getting it wouldn't take away from the low hanging sympathy points, then it's going to happen. It's happening Daniel.
He was stubborn, "look Daniel you only like me because we make each other look good and our families have inmense power and wealth," it seemed as though he was ignoring me because he kept talking to Mark.
"Plus all these years that we have been together you haven't touched me in any way,"
Hey, come to think of it, has she ever tried touching him? Doesn't that make her a lesbian by her own standards?
it made me laugh I could hear the duh sound in my head each and every time because I was right about Daniel. "I don't want to break up..." he said it a bit sad and it was kind of depressing, "its too late Daniel Good bye."
And goodbye to you too Raven. That's the end of this story. I'm guessing there will be more eventually, and I'm also guessing that we won't be reviewing it. Maybe the others are more masochistic, but for me, once was enough. Now where did I put that last table?